Cminor7th Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Been away from the boards, but I've been dating my gf for a little over a year now, and things are fantastic...she is smart, successful, and overall wonderful. However, with this economy, I took a significant pay cut and it took me a while to recover, but I am good. Still, she makes 35%-40% more than me (I saw her W2 by accident), but she is in the medical field with an Ivy League degree, so no surprise. I guess my ego initially was bruised, but I got over it. How does ena deal with it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orchidrose Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I guess I'm unclear what there is to deal with? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidehop Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Unless there's a problem in the relationship because of the money issue, I don't think you should really be concerned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerrian Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I think you just need to get over the rather outdated idea that the man has to be the main earner in a relationship. Sit down and think about it: you've just stated that your girlfriend is smart and successful; so treat that like the good thing it is. The fact that she has a higher earning job than you doesn't make her superior - just means she has a higher paying job, and it doesn't change the dynamic of your relationship unless you allow it to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cminor7th Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 I think you just need to get over the rather outdated idea that the man has to be the main earner in a relationship. Sit down and think about it: you've just stated that your girlfriend is smart and successful; so treat that like the good thing it is. The fact that she has a higher earning job than you doesn't make her superior - just means she has a higher paying job, and it doesn't change the dynamic of your relationship unless you allow it to. I know in this era, the solo breadwinner is mythical. At times I get into trouble comparing myself to others, and it grates on me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mauxly Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 What are you upset about? I make more than twice as much as my boyfriend, and he makes good money. It's just that I've been working in my field for 15 years. I don't have an issue with this at all. In fact, it would be really difficult to find someone in my area who makes more than me. If this is a deal breaker, does that mean the fact that I've worked hard my whole life somehow sabotaged my chances at romance? Ugh... The fact is, women are becoming more and more educated, setting themselves up to be the primary breadwinners. Times are a changingin' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cminor7th Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Unless there's a problem in the relationship because of the money issue, I don't think you should really be concerned. No, it hasn't been a problem at all. We are both really wise with our money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alli Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 So if you were married to her & you were making what you make right now, would you prefer that she make less than you, even though it would significantly reduce your total combined income & reduce things like the value of house you buy or the vacations you take? So your combined income would be say $20,000 a year less than it is right now, just so you could be the one making more money than her? Lets say you played on a basketball team & wanted to be the best player. Would you prefer that everyone else suck just so your mediocre skills would be better than everyone elses? Same concept, that if you really wish to be above someone else, you are also wishing that they were less, and that's not really a fair or reasonable expectation for others. I hope that makes sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cminor7th Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 What are you upset about? I make more than twice as much as my boyfriend, and he makes good money. It's just that I've been working in my field for 15 years. I don't have an issue with this at all. In fact, it would be really difficult to find someone in my area who makes more than me. If this is a deal breaker, does that mean the fact that I've worked hard my whole life somehow sabotaged my chances at romance? Ugh... The fact is, women are becoming more and more educated, setting themselves up to be the primary breadwinners. Times are a changingin' Just the numbers really. Also I tend to tie in career/job with my own masculinity and the ability to provide. This has never been an issue between us, but it feels embarrassing at times. 10-15% I could deal with... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cminor7th Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 So if you were married to her & you were making what you make right now, would you prefer that she make less than you, even though it would significantly reduce your total combined income & reduce things like the value of house you buy or the vacations you take? So your combined income would be say $20,000 a year less than it is right now, just so you could be the one making more money than her? Lets say you played on a basketball team & wanted to be the best player. Would you prefer that everyone else suck just so your mediocre skills would be better than everyone elses? Same concept, that if you really wish to be above someone else, you are also wishing that they were less, and that's not really a fair or reasonable expectation for others. I hope that makes sense. Of course not, if the gap were closer is what make it more tolerable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alli Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Of course not, if the gap were closer is what make it more tolerable. You could always date someone who either doesn't work or earns a meager wage, then your income would not only have to support you but also her & future children, if that is the more preferable alternative. Or you can ask your current girlfriend to take a paycut so you can be the one making more money. Both of these options seem a bit ridiculous don't they? But what else can you do? Leave her or get over it, I don't see any other options. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cminor7th Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 You could always date someone who either doesn't work or earns a meager wage, then your income would not only have to support you but also her & future children, if that is the more preferable alternative. Or you can ask your current girlfriend to take a paycut so you can be the one making more money. Both of these options seem a bit ridiculous don't they? But what else can you do? Leave her or get over it, I don't see any other options. I am over it, just wanted to rant. Of course, that is a crime I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alli Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I am over it, just wanted to rant. Of course, that is a crime I suppose. My bad, it appears you weren't asking for advice or opinions after all on accepting the difference in your earnings. I would just be annoyed if my husband couldn't handle the fact that I earn more. If he was, I'd tell him he's more than free to join me in a combat zone, but until then... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cminor7th Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 My bad, it appears you weren't asking for advice or opinions after all on accepting the difference in your earnings. I would just be annoyed if my husband couldn't handle the fact that I earn more. If he was, I'd tell him he's more than free to join me in a combat zone, but until then... It is okay, no foul. I would just chalk it up to "it's a guy thing".. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BetterKarma Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I can see where Cminor7th is coming from. Society dictated throughout history that males are the dominate providers of the family. So I can see why Cminor7th may have issues with that. I also believe that we are seeing more cases where women are making more and being more successful. This doesn't make the male unattractive or less attractive for the female but it does hurt the ego of some men. On the flip side, I know some men who would are looking for women to make more so they can be house-husbands. If I was in Cminor7th's shoes, I would be thinking "JACKPOT!" The number one reason why couples fight is due to finances. Knowing that your partner is financially capable and independent, is a huge stress relief that a lot of people don't actually get the luxury of feeling. I say embrace it and enjoy it! The more the merrier! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
testcase Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Haha I wish and hope this is the case. I've dated enough girls with no money to appreciate the times I date one with money. More money than me? Every better! I dunno money isn't my main goal so I wouldn't care. As long as I have enough to live the life I'd like to live, which isn't anything crazy, I'm happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markfromark Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I have never met anyone who makes exactly as much as I do. There is always someone who makes more or less than me. It's her money anyways, just make sure you don't live above your means. Don't go into debt for anyone. If she wants to go on a fancy vacation tell her you'd love to but you can't afford. She either helps you out or both of you go camping. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsMeeoow Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Just the numbers really. Also I tend to tie in career/job with my own masculinity and the ability to provide. This has never been an issue between us, but it feels embarrassing at times. 10-15% I could deal with... I have the potential to make more than my husband. Right now I don't because of the economy and my overall hours are down right now. He's technically ok with it but this year he actually made more money (I usually make 20-30K more) than me and it was a huge ego boost for him. I don't give him any crap about it - men have an overwhelming desire to protect and provide for the family... yes its a joint venture in our household but that is how he feels... it makes him feel manly knowing we have the light bill paid cause he worked so much overtime... lol. I let him alone with that... let him revel in it because in a couple of years I'll be pulling 20k more than him when I start working more hours. He will be happy for the money for our future. Its just the way he's wired. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BriarRose Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I know in this era, the solo breadwinner is mythical. At times I get into trouble comparing myself to others, and it grates on me. No, it's not a myth - I know many women who do not work and their husbands support them. However, certainly many women are making big bucks now and this should not bother you, especially since your relationship is going so well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lvrnftr11 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I don't like to say that "Love conquers all" but if you love each other and continue to want to make it work past the year you have been together, learn something that is termed fighting fair. I imagine it will come up and learning to deal with it as adults not as angry people will get you through! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilliesFan001 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 You really need to find a different place to derive your self worth from. The amount of money you make does not correlate with your masculinity or worth as a person. I guess society has drilled it into mens' minds that they need to be breadwinners, the providers, etc - but this was true 50 years ago, not today. Don't see her making more money than you as a threat. She's successful, and smart, you should enjoy being with a woman like that. There really isn't anything to learn how to deal with, unless she's rubbing it in your face and making you feel badly about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginger1 Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Yeah this is kind of ridiculous?!?! Why should she make LESS money than you? She has a better job and probably smarter based on her degree. Duh. I am kind of offended that you still think this is a "problem" in 2011. Its called women are just as qualified as men and are entitled to pay according to their work quality not gender. omggg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cminor7th Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Yeah this is kind of ridiculous?!?! Why should she make LESS money than you? She has a better job and probably smarter based on her degree. Duh. I am kind of offended that you still think this is a "problem" in 2011. Its called women are just as qualified as men and are entitled to pay according to their work quality not gender. omggg Well she is in the medical field, so that pays $$$. My degree was BSCE, so intelligence isn't the key(nice attempt at a barb). The field of Computer Science, Information Technology, and Engineering have all had flat rates of pay or decreased wages due to outsourcing and the silly recession. In the 90s, this wouldn't be an issue since wages were realistic. However, this is another discussion. Ginger1 is right I have been conditioned as a man to equate wages and career to my worth as a man. 2011 or 1911, the year is irrelevant, it is man's instinct to be providers. If I don't work, I am not a man imo... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orchidrose Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Ginger1 is right I have been conditioned as a man to equate wages and career to my worth as a man. 2011 or 1911, the year is irrelevant, it is man's instinct to be providers. If I don't work, I am not a man imo... That may be true, but her making more doesn't mean you're not working, or you're not able to provide. If the two of you were to marry, you would still making a major contribution to the household. You're not "providing" if you're not working and you're sitting on your butt all day, not if you're working but your girlfriend is making more than you. All men have the instinct to be providers, but not all men feel belittled when their female partner makes more money than them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkelephant Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 My boyfriend will make bank while I will make next to nothing even though when we graduate, we will both be doctors. I've contemplated breaking up with him because of that, so I don't think it's that ridiculous. I hate it when there's a huge discrepancy in money between couples... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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