slowmotion Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Hi everyone, I just discovered this forum yesterday and it's nice to know there are people feeling the same way as me. A few days ago my wife kicked me out. I didn't have much say in the matter because we were living at her parents house due to financial problems. We were trying to get back on our feet after a rough few months. Last week her behavior changed dramatically. She was constantly on her laptop/iphone and there was an extremely secretive atmosphere about her. Every time I would walk past her when she was on her laptop she would close windows and switch tabs immediately. She started to lie about her whereabouts. She stopped answering her phone when I called. When I confronted her she claimed that she "needed to live her life" and "needs time to do me-things". She later apologized about lying and said it's one of the worst things she's ever done. Fair enough I thought, for the past few years I've been working from home and she hasn't. Whenever she came home from work, I would be there. She basically never had any alone time for years. She also never had time to hang out with her friends for years. She's not working at the moment, and taking a much needed break, so it's not hard to imagine if she wants to catch up on having a bit of fun. But. And this is a big but. I discovered that she was arranging (possibly romantic according to a few Tweets I saw) meetings with strangers on the internet. The next day she was gone the entire day, only coming back at night. All she would say was that she's picking up a friend at the airport and showing them around. She also claimed that she was going to a friend's birthday over the weekend and that she was staying overnight. When I asked to come she said it was just going to be a "girl time" thing and I wasn't invited. I also discovered that she created an OK Cupid profile recently and her status is "single". Not only that, but her profile is full of absolutely ludicrous claims. Her "interests" and "activities" included things that were outright lies. For example, she claims to be into snowboarding and skiing, she says she adores horses, she claims to play the violin and cello, she said that she's driven a Ferrari, she said that she loves paragliding (?!). These things are so far from the truth it's almost comical. Well, I decided to confront her about it in front of her parents. It didn't go well. She broke out in hysterics and denied everything. She said that she couldn't be with someone so distrustful and that she didn't love me anymore and said she wanted me out of the house asap. I didn't have much of a choice as it was her parents house. They said "she's our daughter and we believe her. If we have to choose between her and you, we choose her, so you have to get out". After I packed my things and was ready to leave, I asked her to please answer her phone if I call, because there will be a lot of things that need to be arranged. She agreed. I also asked when we will see each other next so we can discuss how things will proceed from now on. She said she will meet me Monday. But she didn't keep her word. She won't answer when I call and I received a total of 1 text from her since I left saying "I won't be home for a few days", so the meeting on monday never happened. When I was told to leave, I had no means of transportation to bring my belongings to a friend's house. She told me to take the car. The car is in her name, so eventually I will have to return it to her. I'm also expecting extremely important mail at her parents house and she knows that I need it. I'm not sure how to view all of this. For the last 3 days, I've been sitting alone at my friend's house in a constant state of despair and uncertainty. I have no idea what's going on or what to expect in the future. Can any of you guys give me some insight or maybe tell me what to expect? Will she ever get back in touch with me or arrange a meeting to talk? At first I thought I thought I'll play her game and ignore her too, but as time goes on the need to sort this situation out becomes greater and greater. Sorry for the long first post, but thanks for reading. I'll really, really, appreciate any insight you can give me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandymay1977 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Sounds like she has moved on and has found someone else to fill your place. Contact the parents directly and ask for permission to collect any belongings or mail that may still be there at an appropriate time for them and start putting your life back together without her, what she is doing is not the actions of someone who loves you. Plenty more fish in the sea, don't wait around for her, it'll just take longer to recover and move forward. Look for someone who deserves you. I seriously hope no children are involved, if there are then it get very complicated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slowmotion Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Sounds like she has moved on and has found someone else to fill your place. Contact the parents directly and ask for permission to collect any belongings or mail that may still be there at an appropriate time for them and start putting your life back together without her, what she is doing is not the actions of someone who loves you. Plenty more fish in the sea, don't wait around for her, it'll just take longer to recover and move forward. Look for someone who deserves you. I seriously hope no children are involved, if there are then it get very complicated. I was terrified that might be the case :sad: Would it make any difference if, as recently as 1 week ago, she was saying how much she loved me and asked me positive sounding questions about the future? She even asked if I was willing to try out certain new things in the bedroom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shnoodle Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I was terrified that might be the case :sad: Would it make any difference if, as recently as 1 week ago, she was saying how much she loved me and asked me positive sounding questions about the future? She even asked if I was willing to try out certain new things in the bedroom. No, she will be asking the same of her new fling. That Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde switch can happen pretty fast, but it happens every day. "Every time I would walk past her when she was on her laptop she would close windows and switch tabs immediately." "She started to lie about her whereabouts." No, that's not fishy at all. It sounds like you caught on to her sleezing, and when confronted she felt backed in to a corner, trying to turn it around on you. Also happens everyday. There's a thread or two you might want to check out around here about G.I.G.S. (Grass is Greener Syndrome), but do yourself a favor and don't let it get your hopes up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gallop30 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 don't even think getting her back at this time. she's gone ,and whatever you do will only push her further from you. even if you'll transform in Superman,she wouldn't care,you don't exist in her radar as of now. pick your stuff up,and don't contact her at all,no talking,no explaining,no whys and why nots.she will feed you bunch of bs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandymay1977 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 mmm trying new things in the bedroom....is the new thing male or female??? I'ld be guessing Male. No guy needs to share their woman, you deserve better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BMP2CPM Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Don't worry about her anymore. Focus on yourself. You have extra time on your hands and you're essentially free. Become the man you always wanted to be. It's a great time for it. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Her actions ... spending lots of time on her laptop/iphone, switching tabs or closing windows when you walked by, staying out overnight, lying about her wearabouts etc ... are suspicious enough but to find out that she has created a dating profile is a blatant discovery that she has been up to no good ... or if she hasn't, she certainly wants to be. It seems that instead of trying to work with you as regards your financial situation she has her own plans ... that doesn't involve working! Hence the over-pretentious dating profile she has created. However you can't really blame her parents for taking her side. They will always stick with their daughter no matter what the beliefs are. Maybe, due to your circumstances (living in their house), you would have been better off confronting your wife ALONE. However, what is done is done and she is nevertheless treating you unfairly. You are married, afterall, and that isn't something you can walk away from as easily as if you were just in a relationship. She wants out of the marriage, there seems little doubt in that, whilst you have been left in limbo. If there are things you need collect or that need to be discussed immediately then perhaps you should contact her parents. Its not ideal but it may be the only way. Other than that, and sad though it is, you have to accept that the marriage is over and that you have another path now to travel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I think it is clear she was cheating. And what is this "taking a much needed break from work'"? You live with her parents and she gets to take a break from earning money that could help get your own place? And now, no doubt, she will be asking for sposal support because she isn't working. She seems very selfish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slowmotion Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Well, she finally got in touch with me via email. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. She asked how I want to go about collecting the things from her parents place and how I want to arrange the various debts that we have together (money her parents lent us for example). I'm sure you will see this question coming a mile away, but... Should I be encouraged by her willingness to communicate and her willingness to possibly meet in person? Admittedly, there was absolutely nothing encouraging about the content of her email, it clearly implied a permanent break. And I know I'm a fool for wanting to get back together with this person, but I just can't help it. Just the fact that I got an email from her has made me happier than I've been in days. What should I make of this? How should I handle it if, and when, we do finally meet in person again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Dark Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Wow ten years..... Shows how far marriage vows go. People can be so ugly. I am sorry to hear this happens and it happened to you. I know what it's like to see what they are doing and be told you are the one who is wrong despite the evidence. Best of luck for the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slowmotion Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Wow ten years..... Shows how far marriage vows go. People can be so ugly. I am sorry to hear this happens and it happened to you. I know what it's like to see what they are doing and be told you are the one who is wrong despite the evidence. Best of luck for the future. That means a lot to me right now. Thank you. Will the fact that we've been married 10 years make her reevaluate her actions at least a little bit? Shall I suggest marriage counseling to her? Should I try to get her parents to suggest marriage counseling to her? Will it make any difference at all? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I think it best to take her words at face value only and don't read in anything that is not specifically there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandymay1977 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Okay I see an email translation is needed here... She asked how I want to go about collecting the things from her parents place- translation, when are you going to get the rest of your stuff out of here so it can be finalised. how I want to arrange the various debts that we have together (money her parents lent us for example)- translation seperating the debts so that we are no longer tied by anything and that I'm not getting lumped with your share of the debts when I tell you where to get off! Honey this email is just finalising your suspicions, she is telling you it is definitely over and she wants all loose ends of you tied off as soon as possible. Save your heart honey, arrange by email to collect your belongings at a time where her parents can supervise without her there, request an emailed list of current shared debts, if you don't know them all and elect to take responsibility of your own half and which ones, you don't need to meet her to do this, take on an extra part of another debt equal to your share of the debts to her parents and she can take all of that one, to make it easier on you, or ask for her parents bank account details to direct transfer funds to and commit to a regular repayment arrangement to them to clear the debt. It doesn't need to be done in person and you will only be torturing yourself if you do, her intentions are clear and they do not involve reconciliation, I'm truly sorry to say it, but she is freeing herself of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Dark Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I wish I could say if marriage counseling would make a difference but I can not comment at all. I wouldn't know what she intends to do if you confront her with the suggestion and the support her parents will give seems to primarily be in her favor. Figure out what caused all this. Was it simply being married then all of sudden feeling she needed to go and find other men? What would make the switch turn on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandymay1977 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 to attend marriage counseling you need to have an idea what the underlying problem is, given the underlying problem seems to be with her (I figure this, as you don't seem to quite know what's hit you) I doubt she would be a willing party to attend. Have the parents tried to make any contact with you? if not they have probably accepted any story she has fed them on the situation and you will get no joys there as they will support her, maybe they were a contributing factor to the problem, just a thought. I know 10 years is a very long time to live your life one way for it to suddenly change so dramatically but I don't think you have a choice here, she has accused you of being distrustful but yet she gave you every reason to be with her secretive actions, that is not how a wife behaves when she loves her husband. (Been happily married 12yrs now myself and I would never do that to my man unless I wanted out!) There are alot of women out there who are desperately trying to find a decent guy who genuinely cares about them, maybe her loss would be another woman's gain. You'll get through this, learn from it, become stronger and find someone better. Hang in there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Well, she finally got in touch with me via email. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. She asked how I want to go about collecting the things from her parents place and how I want to arrange the various debts that we have together (money her parents lent us for example). I'm sure you will see this question coming a mile away, but... Should I be encouraged by her willingness to communicate and her willingness to possibly meet in person? Honestly? No. Especially when all she wants to know is when you are going to pick up your belongings from the house and how you are going to pay off the debts you have together!! Incidentally, how does she expect to help pay off these debts when she isn't working? Admittedly, there was absolutely nothing encouraging about the content of her email, it clearly implied a permanent break. And I know I'm a fool for wanting to get back together with this person, but I just can't help it. Just the fact that I got an email from her has made me happier than I've been in days. What should I make of this? How should I handle it if, and when, we do finally meet in person again? Exactly what she says. She wants you to remove your belongings from her house. There is nothing to suggest that she has changed her mind as regards splitting from you. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I am in your corner! You are not a fool for wanting her back. You are still in love with her and you wouldn't be human if you could switch off your emotions just like that. Take heart in the fact that you aren't the only one who is or has gone through what you are going through. I have been in your shoes and I can honestly say that I am happier now than I could ever have hoped for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slowmotion Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Sorry if I'm getting annoying with these questions but... I've been emailing back and forth with my wife all morning arranging a time to meet for a talk. Just a talk, not picking anything up. Should I be hopeful because she's willing to do this? To be fair, we are meeting up under the pretense of "how we will handle this separation in a civilized and fair manner and how things will be moving forward from now on" Those were my words to her when she asked what exactly do I want to discuss. I didn't want to scare her away by suggesting we talk about how to fix our relationship. Is there anything I should or shouldn't say during our meeting? If I'm hoping that we can work this out sometime down the road, what is the best course of action? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Be friendly and non-aggressive or overly sad. Just talk about why you said you wanted to meet - if she brings up getting back together then explore that careully. Butdon't you bring it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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