markfromark Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 I have known her for 2 years and so far we have only been friends, no romance. She is 36 and of course her biological clock is ticking. I always wanted children but it somehow never worked out and I don't want to wait until I am fifty which is only a few years away. With her offer on the table my mind is in overdrive. Maybe that's the only chance I'll have in the next 10 years. She did not suggest a relationship. Just have a child together. Has anyone here been brought up on parents who had this kind of relationship? I mean, not a loving couple but good friends? Maybe living a few blocks apart, not living together. I am willing to raise a child on my own. In the last few years I have contemplated of having a child with a surrogate mother but I find this a bit too selfish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whes Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 It's hard to say what I think. It's going to be a very complicated situation you'd be getting into, requiring the honesty and kind of communication you'd find in a long-term relationship. How good is your friendship? How much can it sustain? There is no such things as "just" having a child together. In order to figure out how to raise a child together, you'll have to have a lot of intimate conversations (verbal and physical conversations). The people I would recommend talking to would be a divorced couple who are on good terms with each other, who have young children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 A lot can happen between now and 50. You can meet a gal who is the "one" next year - you never know. also, I am her age and I just me the love of my life last year. We are thinking about children, but we aren't going to rush to have them tomorrow. If we have them in the next 2 years, that will be fine. Don't sell yourself short. You coudl meet the love of your life tomorrow. also, this will only fulfill her wish to have a child - not yours to raise it because i doubt she is going to have the child then hand him/her over. Your role may be of a full-on dad or it could be of an "uncle" who looks on after she meets someone after a few years and marries him. Also, what is going to happen - she gets fluid to impregnate herself or are you having sex with her? Also, after having sex, what if things go wrong or you decide that you want to be more than friends and she does but you don't? I reallythink you should weigh all options thoroughly. What do you tell a child about their parents never marrying? Or do you sign off your rights when you meet someone ? SOunds like a legal aggreement would have to be drawn up big time and you might not get what you really want. I would no let your wish to have a child solely sway you on this - there are far greater implications here. you can also adopt if you want to be a dad without the entanglements of this or just try to meet women who are looking for a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeepMe Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 This is something you can't go in with a blindfold and expect everything to come out peachy keen. This is something you have to really discuss with her and what exactly she plans to do. You said that she doesn't plan on having a relationship just having a child together, so what exactly does that mean? Is she just using you to have a child and claim that it's hers? Or is she having a relationship as almost a pre-divorced couple that aren't together but share rights to the child? Would the child be mainly hers, and you get the child on the weekend? Or would it be vice versa? Then of course you have to think of all the legal matters, what would happen if you two were to not get along, have a spat, end the friendship, how would you dispute the child? A lot of things can happen, and just as everyone else has said you could end up finding someone else. You say that you thought of a surrogate mother but you find that would be too selfish, is that because of her? She can always get a sperm donor if need be. If it's the friendship and not wanting to do it alone, everything should be weighed out. Anything can happen, but the most important thing that "should" happen is a long thought out, heart to heart talk about all of this. If you do decide to go through with it, you need to figure out a plan and have everything 200% figured out a ahead of time. And just as Abitbroken said, you still might not get what you really want. I wish you the best of luck! -Keep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 You would have to have very clear and binding assurances that you will have parenting rights - and even then they may not be enforceable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jetta Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 To me it's be somewhat like divorced parenting. You'd have to work together but seperately in your parenting, and it's difficult the child will ask questions when they get old enough to communicate and you need to have reasonable answers. One will be why aren't you and mom married? I had to explain the divorce in child's terms. It wasn't easy to go into all those questions but I feel to keep the lines of communication open you have to be willing to answer, because when I have questions for her I will want her to answer me. Personally I'd take her up on the offer, especially since you were thinking of serrogacy. But you do have to work things out, between the two of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Just like not everyone will have a successful relationship, not everyone will be a millionaire, not everyone will be able to travel the world, not everyone will be able to retire at age 55....not everyone will have children. Having children is not necessarily about what a person wants...it is about what is in the best interests of the child. Is it really in the best interests of the child to have two people who have no romantic relationship whatsoever, come together to produce a child and then co-parent that child as separate entities. At least in divorce there was, once upon a time, a family unit. This kind of setup is rather cold and clinical. A child born out of a business arrangement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markfromark Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 @KeepMe: the surrogacy has been on my mind for a long time. Has nothing to do with my friend. In the back of my head surrogacy (for me) is selfish because I feel like I produce a child just because I have strong feeling for fatherhood. I imagine how I would feel if my dad had taken his sperm, went to clinic with a surrogate mother and then 9 month later I was born. Just doesn't feel right with me. I know lots of people are fine with surrogacy. I hear all of you about the fact that someone right just might come along. I just never had that feeling that someone was "right" and I am getting a bit discouraged about ever finding someone. I have not dated in a year mainly because I am tired of it. Anyway, thanks for all the input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ReadyorNot Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I think that if you and your friend can work together on parenting, and figure out how this child will be raised then I would also do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 @KeepMe: the surrogacy has been on my mind for a long time. Has nothing to do with my friend. In the back of my head surrogacy (for me) is selfish because I feel like I produce a child just because I have strong feeling for fatherhood. I imagine how I would feel if my dad had taken his sperm, went to clinic with a surrogate mother and then 9 month later I was born. Just doesn't feel right with me. I know lots of people are fine with surrogacy. I hear all of you about the fact that someone right just might come along. I just never had that feeling that someone was "right" and I am getting a bit discouraged about ever finding someone. I have not dated in a year mainly because I am tired of it. Anyway, thanks for all the input. Well...if it were me, I would agree that surrogacy would be selfish to bring a child into the world just because you want one like its a bucket list, but that's me. I would choose adoption over that for sure because you are giving a loving home to a child who does exist and is in the world and would otherwise not have one. It would also be much easier to explain adoption to a child in a way that they can feel good about rather than explaining that mommy and daddy never loved eachother and agreed to have them as a business transaction. When you are considering adoption, I am sure most people go through screening or counseling to make sure a child is not just something on their bucket list, so to speak. There are also ways to have children but not have them, such as becoming a foster parent or big brother/big sister. I would strongly review what you really want - is "fathering" a child and knowing you have done it what you are after, or are you looking for the lifetime commitment? and if you are looking for that lifetime commitment? It is one thing if suddenly you find out you have a child by accident and stepping up the plate versus intentionally bringing a child in to a situation where there is no family at home. But that's just me. I really do think that you can meet someone if you do the online thing and look for a woman who wants to have kids, maybe lowering your age range to 32-40, so you won't meet someone who is so young who wont be at the same place in life but may still reasonably be able or want to have kids. Also, volunteer for children's causes because you know the folks there have a heart for children. You may just meet a young divorced mom with a child who sees herself having another if she met the right man, or you could meet a single gal who feels like you do, but falls in love with YOU first rather than compares their bucket list with yours. Also, is this woman friend someone that is just a friend because they are just a friend or is someone that you were interested in but were never able to kindle anything? I guess I just feel you are limited yourself - when you are looking to meet someone for YOU who will be your companion/partner/woman in your life, its going to be a strange thing for her to accept that you just had a baby with someone to have a baby, but that's just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown1607307972 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Just like not everyone will have a successful relationship, not everyone will be a millionaire, not everyone will be able to travel the world, not everyone will be able to retire at age 55....not everyone will have children. Having children is not necessarily about what a person wants...it is about what is in the best interests of the child. Is it really in the best interests of the child to have two people who have no romantic relationship whatsoever, come together to produce a child and then co-parent that child as separate entities. At least in divorce there was, once upon a time, a family unit. This kind of setup is rather cold and clinical. A child born out of a business arrangement. There never was a family unit with my parents they were a young couple, my mum still lived with her parents an was 21. I was an accident, but not regretted. My parents broke up for good when I was 6 months old and they never lived together, but they remained on good terms. I can say my parents were brilliant and my childhood was brilliant despite being very far from the nuclear family setup. I honestly don't think the child would be troubled by the lack of a family unit if they've never been in one in the first place, as long as they are loved and cared for properly. The main issues in this situation are how things would work between the two adults in this situation more so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaStranger Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I think there are a great many advantages to doing things this way! So many 'happy families' end in divorce these day that absolutely nothing can be assumed by once being in a loving romantic relationship. It can all turn sour and with it comes bitterness, resentment, greed and hurt.... whereas this way, you eliminate all these things by making the decision to not be romantically involved up front. I think DN is right, that you would need to have things set up in a legal sense which would protect you both, but I see nothing cold and clinical about it. You must love and care for your friend- as a friend- for you to even have had this conversation. Two wonderful people who want a child so much they had one together- a child that they love and care for? I don't see how the child could suffer. As for meeting someone else in the future- it would be no different than anypne meeting someone who already had children by a previous relationship, I think most people would understand and you could always go on to have further children and still love this one just as much and give them the same quality time. And lets face it- the older a person gets, the higher the chance there is of this! The only potential problem is if you want to be activley involved and she wants a sperm donor- this is something you need to be sure of from the very beginning! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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