What Do I Think of Success? It Sucks; Too Much Stress. Fork In The Road Pt. Deux

[BirdOnAWire]

 

 

Check out part one for a little back story on recent events. If you feel up to it that is.

 

Any way...

 

I had lunch with the ex after a month or so of NIC. Well, that lunch didn't go well and I found out that she was ''talking'' to someone else. I went into hardcore ignore mode and shunned her every attempt at contact, and there were quite a few of them. This angered her...deeply (in fact, she said that nothing in her entire life has ever made her feel the way me ignoring her did).

 

Well, this past Saturday I felt really compelled to get in touch with her for some reason. I had this loooong text message written that was basically comprised of random, little facts or commonalities that her and I share. My intention was to send that...have her basically say, "ok...what does all that even mean?", and I would have responded, "It's a start."

 

Well...I typed it up and didn't send it. Instead I just said, "Hi". She responded back within 10 seconds with, "Hi? Woulda been nice TEN DAYS AGO!" I alleviated that tension and found out that she was sick. Her sick=her very vulnerable and clingy=me, hardly in control of my own actions; I just want to make her feel better.

 

Stupid, I know. We texted a lot over the next two hours (I sent 162 alone and she sent more). Then we spoke on the phone. This was all during my hour long drive to pick her up a piece of pie. This custard pie is AMAZING and we had it on a date back in the summer. So, in essence of nostalgia and just wanting to make her smile I went and got the pie and brought it to her. She then sat in my car and we talked for a little over two hours. She told me she misses me and no one has ever treated her as good as I have and no one has ever been as considerate of her or as thoughtful towards her. Yeah, no kidding...I coulda told ya that.

 

 

I told her how I felt and where I stand. I let her know what exactly I wanted and that we couldn't be friends and I wouldn't stand by and let her use me for when she needs support, only to have her run back to another man. She agreed. We talked a lot and then I walked her to her door and we hugged. She wouldn't let go. This, to me, was a good sign.

 

The next day, yesterday, we texted again for a few hours and I ended up over her apartment. I got there at 730...I left at midnight. We talked a lot about various things including all the changes I've made (she was surprised by a lot and actually a bit angry that I waited until after she left. Whoops lol.) She brought him up and I declined to talk about him. I did however find that him and I share the same name. This is in fact is a bit creepy. She said that they don't have a lable, they're not committed, and they haven't progressed physically at all. Do I trust her? I guess I have to if I want to go on trying to be with her. She actually asked if that whole situation would haunt me should her and I try again. I'm not sure. I told her that she would have to work hard to convince me.

 

In any case...she told me that after Saturday night, she told him that it was best if they just remained ''friends''. She then confessed that she loves me and misses me and doesn't think she'll find anyone else like me she just doesn't know what to do. I told her that she had to make a decision and in no way do I intend to be on one side pulling her while another man does the same on the other side. She then told me that another man isn't an issue...that the decision is to be with me, or not to be with me. It's not to be with me or him. This is comforting but it doesn't take me out of limbo because still, she doesn't know what to do.

 

She cried and told me that she was scared and that I let her down so many times. I didn't ask for another chance. I didn't beg, plead, try to persuade her, nothing. I told her that who I am and what I'm about stands for itself and if she thinks there's a chance to work it out then I'm on board but we're going to have to work together but the clock is ticking. And that if me being her in life is important or in any way critical to her happiness...as she told me...then I suggest she think long and hard because I'm not waiting and I'm not dealing with the uncertainty. She didn't choose last night so I take that as no...I don't want to but I believe that I have to.

 

She seems like she's leaning toward me but I can't expect anything. My hope and my expectations are in check...but man did it feel good to hold her last night. We still have a deep, strong connection and her and I both acknoweldged it. I left with my pride and my head held high. Was she using me? Remains to be seen. She now has one reason left to contact me and she knows it. So, it seems that she's come to the fork in the road now. Lets see what happens. Shall we?

[jumbrella]

I'm definitely no expert on this stuff, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

 

But that all sounds good to me. Me personally, would I believe that whole "they never progressed physically" nonsense? No. And honestly, that would bother me a whole lot but-- if you really do want her back, and think she's worth it, you may just have to forgive and forget. ( Thats if this guy was just a rebound, and not someone she cheated with/left you for.. I don't remember your backstory )

 

Does it seem as though shes being genuine with her feelings towards you? From what you've written I would say yes.

 

I think you're going about it perfectly. Keep your poker face. Let her work for it, and let up slowly as she shows shes serious. Take it slow, and try not to let your hopes get the best of you.

 

Yes keep us updated, and goodluck!

[BirdOnAWire]

It makes me sick to my stomach thinking about her and that guy. They met in September. She asked for space in December. I called her out on this but she assured me that she was never unfaithful. Still, I consider that emotionally cheating and she should have told me about him in September. I get enraged by this so I try not to think about it and I have to take what she tells me at face value. I don't think they slept together and she swore up and down that she never considered him as anything until after we stopped and even now they're not official or committed.

 

It bothers me though, a lot. It's actually the biggest bump in the road for me. Even if she does come back to me...I honestly just don't know if I'll ever be able to get past it. They work for the same company (different locations) so I really don't see how I wouldn't always be worried that they're still talking. It would hang over my head and that would in turn make me hang it over her head which would doom us from the re-start. I don't know man. I'm planning on crossing that bridge if we get to it and she's going to have to work her tail off to convince me that this is real and she's not interested in anyone but me. I haven't heard from her today at all though and when I left last night, she still was unsure.

 

So, in that case this is day one of the second chapter of moving on for me. I got to a point where I was strong enough to give the ultimatum and be ok either way. Now, I have to actively work on getting back to that point and beyond. I have to be ok no matter what and honestly...I'm not banking on her coming back.

[jumbrella]

eww sorry.

 

That changes everything. Are you sure you even want to be with this girl?

 

Does she deserve you?

[BirdOnAWire]

eww sorry.

 

That changes everything. Are you sure you even want to be with this girl?

 

Does she deserve you?

 

Call me stupid, childish, or immature but this question really depends on one thing for me. Did they have sex? That's the million dollar question. If they did...I don't care if she hits the powerball and comes crawling back to me...my door is closed. If they didn't and it's just what she said it was, which is ''talking'', then I can accept it and work on it with her. I'm not exactly innocent in this mess but I have never cheated on her and never would. Physically or emotionally. Infidelity is something I will not stand for and as a man I'm far more concerned with the physical aspect than the emtional side of it.

 

After everything she told me last night though man I can't understand how she couldn't come to the decision to be with me. I just don't understand it. Does she love me? Yes. Does she know that she'll never find anyone to treat her the way I do? Yes. Does she acknowledge how much she loves to be around me? Yes. There were some negative traits that I displayed that may have caused some friction in our relationship. I've changed those. Does she honestly believe that I've changed? Yes. So, what the hell is the problem woman?!?!!??

 

She better get it in gear dude because I'm starting to talk myself out of giving her another opportunity, damn it.

[johnm3]

this girl needs to work on herself before getting into any sort of relationship. infatuating over another guy whilst being in a relationship with a good man is egregious. she did this because of her own issues, and she needs to work those out on her own. until she does, she's a ticking time-bomb; this will surely happen again in the future and the only difference may be improving her methods to conceal her infidelity.

 

I'm going through something similar with my ex, it seems she has had a change of heart, but I can't forget the past: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

 

if they met in Sept, I doubt they didn't get physical for about 3-4 months; i know this hurts, but you need to be real about this situation.

 

the way this is set up now is fine, if she never gives you an answer, good for long-term-you, if she gives you an answer and says she wants you, you better make her work long and hard to prove she genuinely wants to be with you.

[bish0p2004]

I think this was definitely a positive meet and you still have a chance if you can just...not...be...clingy...and...needy.

 

Just try and put her in the back of your mind. Tell yourself that it can go either way and you'll be fine with whatever decision your ex makes. Continue working on and improving yourself through work, hobbies, going to the gym, and hanging out with friends and family.

[BirdOnAWire]

My only saving grace here is that during those months her and I were together 6 days a week. At least, and the phone was in my name and I reviwed the records (yes, I was suspicious...and for good reason apparently). Knowing her and her pattern...they probably kept it strictly email although he always wanted more. Well, when it was time to kick me to the curb, he stepped in. Honestly, just typing that makes me want to kill the bastard but I can't let that get to me. If shes finding that the grass isn't greener...then I don't want her back and it's too late. If she sincerely feels that the decision she made was a genuine mistake and she is ready to come back and set aside her damn committment problems and work at this with me then I'm all for it.

 

Still no word from her though so maybe that's my answer right there? I won't break here though, not again.

[MakeItCount]

No breaking, you're doing great. I've honestly always been confused about whether or not I'd take the ex back (if it so happens) after she's slept with someone else. Probably, although like you say, she's really have to have shown me she's grown. Which won't happen

[BirdOnAWire]

Hey guys. I've done all I can do here right? She has to come to me now, right?

 

Lol I was feeling good for a while but now I'm back in that uncertain stage and it's a total bummer. I want to call her and say, "get your crap together!! What's your answer woman!!?"

 

Can't do that though right? I totally deserve better than this.

[MakeItCount]

Nope, you chill now. Remember the advice you were given: put it in the back of your mind, keep moving on. It's all part of truly being in a better position, a position of strength should she come back. No need to pressure her now.

[BirdOnAWire]

True indeed brother.

 

Last night was very interesting I must say. I believe the hard work begins now?

[Janeiac]

Bird, it sounds as though you are handling things well. Keep it up! Don't start pushing her now. Take it slowly, and know that whichever way it goes will be fine.

[penelope13]

If she truly wants to give your relationship another shot, she has to come to this decision while she is in a good place, while she is emotionally happy with herself and her life - not because she is sick and she needs someone to entertain her and run errands!

 

You need to be sure that it's a conscious decision on her part to come back to you, not because she is afraid of dealing with the downsides of life by herself. Otherwise she will come back to you so that you can rebuild her self esteem and well being until she feels ready to look for some new emotional connection again - which might not be with you.

 

She also would have to be very convincing that she knows why she started to have an emotional connection with someone else while in a relationship with you and how to avoid that in the future.

 

if you do not wait for these things to happen you might just end up in an on-off relationship - which in the longterm hardly ever work out

[Brownstone322]

They met in September. She asked for space in December.

"Asked for space"? She left for another guy (which is a pathetic way to end a relationship to begin with) then didn't have the decency to admit to it.

 

Call me stupid, childish, or immature but this question really depends on one thing for me. Did they have sex? That's the million dollar question. If they did...I don't care if she hits the powerball and comes crawling back to me...my door is closed.

After the "needs space" lie, why would you believe this one? You can bet money they've had sex. Lots of sex. The type sex people have when the relationship is new. Think about that, because that's just a reality.

[BirdOnAWire]

"Asked for space"? She left for another guy (which is a pathetic way to end a relationship to begin with) then didn't have the decency to admit to it.

 

 

After the "needs space" lie, why would you believe this one? You can bet money they've had sex. Lots of sex. The type sex people have when the relationship is new. Think about that, because that's just a reality.

 

I don't know how to approach it man. When I say they met in September I don't mean they were initiating a relationship then. They work for the same company. What she told me last night was that he was there and she knew he was interested in her. After things fell apart with her and I, which she swears wasn't for or because of him, she tried to use him to get over me. This was easy because he was there and was going through a tough time himself. Also, it took me 6-7 months of ''talking'' and dating to actually sleep with her. It's cliche but she's really not that kind of girl.

 

I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses because no one is more skeptical than I am. In fact, I'm down right scared that this girl will do it to me again. The only thing I can do is give her the warning that I'm not going to stand for any behavior that's detrimental to me and if we're entering a new relationship that she's going to have to work as hard, if not harder than I am to make it work. I told her this and she agreed. I'm so heavily guarded right now though I really can't see how I'm going to relax and let the relationship blossom. I fear that I'll always be on edge waiting for her to leave or I'll always be suspicious. I mean, they met at work so they could be e-mailing eachother back and forth at this very moment for all I know.

 

Geez...I'll tell you what though. I know the signs and although in no way am I willing to get involved in the game of who can leave who first...If she ever, and I mean just one time, shows me that she's slipping. I'm gone.

[Brownstone322]

Geez...I'll tell you what though. I know the signs and although in no way am I willing to get involved in the game of who can leave who first...If she ever, and I mean just one time, shows me that she's slipping. I'm gone.

Lemme phrase this another way. I believe there's such a thing as "needing space." I really do. I'm an aloof person myself, and sometimes I need to be alone, away from everyone. I've never really liked seeing the women I date too often, certainly not every day. It's just the way I am. (I lived with one, but, on balance, that was a bad idea.) So I "get" needing space.

 

See, but here's the thing. When it's really about "space," it has nothing to do with someone else. What happened in your case wasn't about "space"; that was a cover story.

 

Do you really think she'd end your relationship to begin a chaste one with someone else? That makes no sense at face value. So I'll ask again (perhaps rhetorically): Since you know she lied about the basic reason for the split, why would you believe anything she says about the relationship that followed?

[BirdOnAWire]

Well, I ended the relationship. I guess that's where things get hairy. I broke up with her and went as far as giving her a deadline to move out. I know I'm the one hurting and on ENA panicking but as I said previously, I was in no way innocent. If you want the truth, we argued over minor things, I broke up with her and left her crying at home while I was out at bars infatuated with all the new female attention/options. Meanwhile, she wanted to work things out. Well, my dumb ass woke up and came crawling back once I realized that I'd never find another girl like her. By that point, I pushed her too far away...even out of my house and into an apartment of her own! She told me it was too late and that she learned to live with out me again and couldn't forgive me.

 

I went bat sh!t crazy and did evvvvverry lame thing you can do. I begged, I cried, I bought ugly jewelry, I pressured and tried to force her to see it my way. Well, I guess I bent her till she broke and she told me to leave her alone. This was in December...this is when she said she started talking to this other guy (in order to ''get over me''). I honestly, honestly do not believe they slept together and she swears they didn't.

 

Sometimes I really can't call it brownstone...but I like your way of thinking. Don't sugar coat anything.

[Brownstone322]

Jeez, dude ... that's about the best argument I've ever seen for an extended period of no contact. I don't think either one of you will be able to talk those issues away any time soon, not without a longer cooling-off period than you've had so far.

 

And if you in fact drove her out of the relationship, then why would it be such a big deal if she got with another guy? I mean, you had your go at the open market. That cuts both ways.

 

Anyway, I think you should both let this one go for a while.

[BirdOnAWire]

Jeez, dude ... that's about the best argument I've ever seen for an extended period of no contact. I don't think either one of you will be able to talk those issues away any time soon, not without a longer cooling-off period than you've had so far.

 

And if you in fact drove her out of the relationship, then why would it be such a big deal if she got with another guy? I mean, you had your go at the open market. That cuts both ways.

 

Anyway, I think you should both let this one go for a while.

 

Well that's kind of my point. I don't have a leg to stand on with her in that regard which is why I can't and won't hang it over her head. She's done some things recently that baffled me and blew my mind but I had to learn how to man up and see that the relationship failed because of both of us. What gave me the right to tell her to kick rocks and then come back saying, ''ok baby...that was a joke. I'm ready now.''? If it wasn't for me getting cold feet (like many 23 year olds would, I'm sure) the break up would've never happened. I walked away from it all two weeks before Christmas and it wasn't until the past weekend that we really established lines of communication again. You can look for my thread about what happened when I asked her to lunch after a month or so of cooling off (it was bad) but the result of it was me going strict NC and completely ignoring her. I decided to move on and was quite alright with it. Then, she came knocking so to speak. Well, she came half way and I met her there.

 

Last night she told me that she told the other guy that they couldn't be anything other than co-workers and she wanted me in her life but wasn't ready for the relationship again. I said ok, I understand and told her to take care. I wasn't bluffing. In no way could I be her friend with potential while she's free to do as she pleases. I can't be her promise while she's my threat and I made it clear. This is when she broke down. She told me that she does love me and does see a future but she's just terrified that I will let her down again. I assured her that I would do everything in my power not to. So, we're trying again.

 

Damn if I don't feel uneasy though dude.

[MakeItCount]

Well, that's one hell of an update. Take it sloooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwlllyyyy though, you both need to be 100% sure of this and you need to realize where you made your mistakes. So does she.

[BirdOnAWire]

Slow is definitely the word. Every part of me wants to race back into it though. This is by far the scariest stage of this relationship yet though. Like, just a week ago I looked at it as OVER. Now, I look at it with hope and promise again and I know far too well how it feels to want it and not get it. Could this just be a fear of rejection again or should I not feel this unsettled? Should I take these feelings as a sign that maybe this isn't the right time to try again?

[jumbrella]

Okay so there was definitely more to your backstory. I'm going to flip flop on opinions again.

 

If you're the one who drove her away, especially due to having "female attention", then I think you definitely need to cut her slack about this coworker. You said that it took like 6-7 months for you guys to get physical... I'd say thats a positive sign towards her and this guy maybe not sleeping together. Keyword is *maybe*. I still wouldn't bet any money on it, but maybe it can put your mind at ease a little bit more.

 

Either way. Since it looks like she had been pushed away by you -- you definitely need to ease up on that issue. Like Brownstone said, it cuts both ways.

 

Sounds like theres a whole lot of drama and issues between you both right now. I totally agree on the going slow part.

 

BirdOnAWire, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I just saw another recent post of yours saying that you two did end up getting back together?

[BirdOnAWire]

Yeah man. This story is so damn confusing that even I have trouble keeping it straight some times. I did initially break it off with her though but it wasn't for other girls. I got hesitant about being committed to her and her son. I love them both but I had doubts that I was dealing with. We were still living together when we split and it didn't take long before I came crawling back. Well, she wanted to take it slow and this didn't please me I guess (selfish) so I gave her the ultimatum that ended up being my doom. I told her that we either get over what happened or she get her stuff and get out. Harsh, I know. I sincerely didn't think she would actually leave. She did.

 

As of last night, yes we are back together. I'll post the story of what happened last night...and it's pretty interesting...when I get a chance. I also want to wait a little while just to make sure I'm not dreaming lol.

[MakeItCount]

Nope, definitely not a dream.

 

Okay, this is how I see it. The raw fact is that you broke up with her - allowing her to be single. That's it. This is no Ross/Rachel we're on a break crap, you were broken up. Whether or not she was physical with this guy is none of your concern. If she says she hasn't, take it at that. You show her you trust her, and she will warm up to you again real soon. Read that again. I know it sucks, I would feel the same way, but you were broken up - that's that. If this girl means as much to you as you say she does, it won't matter anyways.

 

Keep as busy as you can for the moment so you aren't tempted to rush into things. If you're texting her etc, think, then think again and make sure you're not being desperate. I know it's probably killing you inside but let it build up again - it'll be much better this way.

 

Best of luck man, you know we're all jealous.