Ex Wife wants to move back in...guess she is getting divorced from new hubby

[Live-N-Learn]

My ex and I were together for 10 years. We have two kids together 6 and 10 years old. Our marriage was a mistake we never really loved each other. She divorced me 3 years ago and remarried 6 months later. I guess it is not working out and she now wants to move back with me. Please read the email I just got from her today.

 

 

I would like to have a heart to heart with you in regards to my plans to move back to Tulsa. Would you be agreeable to letting me and the kids move back in (providing you don't smoke) and we rent to own a house? It can be under your name, but while we're all under the same roof, we treat our finances as if we were 1 family - no child support, just one budget to pay the bills, payoff our cars, build up some savings, etc. I looked at jobs available and there are tons in Tulsa. I was going to send my resume to a couple temp agencies to see if they could place me and what the salary would be.

 

I realize that is this stage in our lives, it's not about us anymore, it's about our kids. If I could go back to that day I found your ad on Craigslist, I would've simply turned the other cheek and recommended we go to Christian Counseling. I don't know how some people can allow their children to be scarred for life (ie. Payton - 18 and she's STILL trying to get her parents back together). I want my family back, the Bender Clan, I want our kids to grow up normal, involved in after-school programs/sports. I want a normal life with my best friend again.

 

I only see the kids every other weekend because she lives 3 hours away. I want her and the kids to move back here but I do not want to be with her again. I am just not sure how to handle this. I have a very big house and am selling it. One thought would be to let her and the kids live her for 6 months to get on there feet and then they can move out. We would sleep in separate bedrooms.

 

Another would be to just tell her to get an apartment and I would live close by. What are your thoughts?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

How very business-like of her. She is worried about damaging the children...kind of late for that when she bounced out of one marriage and immediately into the next marriage. Now she wants to bounce back to you and play happy families. As if that is not going to damage the children's view on relationships and marriage. She is not doing this for the children, she is doing this for herself because she doesn't want to be alone. She wants the security of having a man take care of her..which is why she immediately jumped into her second marriage. I would say that you live separately. She should get her own place.

[LarsWB]

If your heart is not in it, don't do it. What good will it do your kids to suddenly live in the house again with mom and dad, who are sleeping separate bedrooms and have nothing to do with each other? You're divorced. She got remarried. Her problems are her and your problems are yours. If she moves in, she will be your problem. Do you want that?

Yes, you want to see your kids and be more of a part of their lives, but don't let your ex-wife USE that on you...it's a great way to yank your heart strings and get you to support her again. Just my opinion, I wouldn't do it. I'd continue the plan of selling the house and moving on with your life. Perhaps if there's a profit, you could help her get an apartment closer...for your kid's sake, not hers.

Be strong. Think heavily before you make any moves on this one...that's what I think anyways. Good luck.

[sidehop]

Don't. If she's certain that there are tons of jobs available, then she needs to get a job. It's beyond me why she has the nerve to ask you to live under one roof under one income, etc then throw in the picture of the children as if she's trying to make you feel guilty. I'd do anything for my children obviously but it's a different scenario altogether. You can still see & provide for your children while she finds her own place to get back on her feet.

[FarthestEdge]

She is not doing this for the children, she is doing this for herself because she doesn't want to be alone. She wants the security of having a man take care of her..which is why she immediately jumped into her second marriage..

^^^

This.

 

Since you have children together, she thinks she can guilt you into taking care of her. Keep in mind too, that letting her move back in could undo your divorce agreement, and she could once again, go after half of what you have left, and given enough time, spousal support depending on your jurisdiction.

 

Is having the kids live with you an option? If so, you could offer to let the kids move in, cease child support payments to her, and agree to cover their costs in full while she gets on her feet.

 

With generous visitation, of course.

 

Personally, I'd advise against it. Whatever the reasons, your marriage ended, it did end and you both saw fit to see the divorce through. I'd move forward, not back. Neither of you mention any interest in rekindling a romantic relationship, only one of convenience...which will only be convenient until one of you finds someone else you'd rather share your home/life with...and the battle will begin anew.

[ForumGuy]

If I could go back to that day I found your ad on Craigslist, I would've simply turned the other cheek and recommended we go to Christian Counseling.

I guess this would be her "I made a mistake" admission. Still, the six months idea would let her get her foot planted firmly in the door. Trying to entice you with "no child support".....hmmmmm. I would just tell her that it would never work and use the reasons CAD mentioned above if you need them.

[Mauxly]

I love the, "Provided you don't smoke" condition.

 

This woman had lost her grip on reality. She ran from the marriage into a new one. The new guy couldn't handle her controlling ways and gave her the boot, so she tries to run back and control you again.

 

Absolutely do not let her come back. Your home is no longer her home. It's high time she start taking responsiblity for her actions. You've propped her up too long. The best thing you can do for her is give her a bit of tough love and make her teach herself that she can support herself.

 

That she attempts to use your children as leverage for her own gain is proof of how manipulative she is. Ugh...gross.

[MasterPo]

I love the, "Provided you don't smoke" condition.

 

This woman had lost her grip on reality. She ran from the marriage into a new one. The new guy couldn't handle her controlling ways and gave her the boot, so she tries to run back and control you again.

 

Absolutely do not let her come back. Your home is no longer her home. It's high time she start taking responsiblity for her actions. You've propped her up too long. The best thing you can do for her is give her a bit of tough love and make her teach herself that she can support herself.

 

That she attempts to use your children as leverage for her own gain is proof of how manipulative she is. Ugh...gross.

Yup. Well said.

[Live-N-Learn]

Here is how I replied.

 

I have thought about what you wrote and I don't believe it is a good idea for us to live together again. We do not love each other and it will only further confuse the children having us in the same house living in separate bedrooms until you get on your feet and move out. I would love to have the kids back in Tulsa so that I can spend more time with them.

 

I plan to get an apartment and you can as well. There are plenty of apartments to rent for around $700 a month. If you do find a job here in Tulsa I will try to loan you some money if needed for the down payment but that is the best I can do.

 

I think if you are honest with yourself you know we are not good for each other as a couple and it is not best for us to live under the same roof. I do care what happens to you but I am pretty sure your solution is not the best way to go for either of us.

 

Let me know what you decide.

[doesitmatter30]

If you don't give her child support for the 6 months, she can use that against you later. If the kids are in need, offer to let THEM stay with you and she can goto her parents house or something until she figures it out for herself. Her staying with you is one of the worst ideas in the long sad history of bad ideas.

[Live-N-Learn]

If you don't give her child support for the 6 months, she can use that against you later. If the kids are in need, offer to let THEM stay with you and she can goto her parents house or something until she figures it out for herself. Her staying with you is one of the worst ideas in the long sad history of bad ideas.

 

I did not know that about child support. How could she use it against me? Not that I am going to let her move in, I'm not. She does not have any family here or friends. She is on her own. Either way, she made the choice to divorce me and remarry some other guy. Just becasue it is not working out does not make her my responsibility again.

 

I love my kids with all my heart and would love to have them back close to me. I travel a lot for work so it would be really difficult for them to live with me. I will encourage her to find a job here in Tulsa and get an apartment. That's all I can do. I have no idea how she will respond to my email back to her. But for her to say I was her best friend is crayz. We fought all the time. She even wanted to take me to child services cuz she thought I was not a good dad! That was only 6 months ago!

 

Btw..I think I'm a great dad and so do all my friends

[DN]

It seems you have made a reasonable offer - it will be interesting to see her response. It is possible she was trying to take advantage of you and by allowing her back into the home and not pay child support it could have been injurious to you legally - but it is also possible she wants to reconcile.

 

I think you have done what is best for you and for the kids.

[Live-N-Learn]

Here was her response

 

Yeah, you're right. I guess I was having one of my "I just want it the way it was" moments but disregarded all reality.

 

I'm doing the budget right now (I had to pick Josh up from school as he didn't feel good) so I'll have a better picture of what the future looks like and when.

 

I have to budget a down for the apartment, furniture (a bed for me, refrigerator, washer/dryer - depending on the place), moving expenses and lack of income until I find a place. I asked the kids would they rather live in Tulsa or Fort Smith and both said Fort Smith. I'll have to work on that with them.

[trezz]

If I could go back to that day I found your ad on Craigslist, I would've simply turned the other cheek and recommended we go to Christian Counseling.the above quote from your thread made me think, wow, people are not seeing this how can they be tough on her for leaving.

then i saw this;

I asked the kids would they rather live in Tulsa or Fort Smith and both said Fort Smith. I'll have to work on that with them.

that seems a little messed up. why start this if she has not spoken to the children first.

is she into emotional blackmail?

the message seems to be- i will take the children back home to live with you, oh, you won't have us, ok. the children don't want you anyway.

 

i agree with you. living together then separating again would be nasty for the children.

whatever the reason for the split is not important now. you seem to be sure together is not a healthy choice.

there seems to be a lot of her problems in her reply email.

sick child, living expenses, no income.

she sounds like she is going to lay it on thick.

i would be very cautious in dealing with her.

[MakeItCount]

Damn, she's really turning up the guilt trip here. Should be happy you're not in that relationship anymore.

[Tanzi]

How very business-like of her. She is worried about damaging the children...kind of late for that when she bounced out of one marriage and immediately into the next marriage. Now she wants to bounce back to you and play happy families. As if that is not going to damage the children's view on relationships and marriage. She is not doing this for the children, she is doing this for herself because she doesn't want to be alone. She wants the security of having a man take care of her..which is why she immediately jumped into her second marriage. I would say that you live separately. She should get her own place.

 

I couldn't agree more. There is definitely double standards going on here. It doesn't matter if a family is split .... the children needn't grow up damaged. My ex-husband and I aren't together any more and we are much happier this way thank you very much! However what children need is stability. Your wife is the one that doesn't seem to be able to provide that. Moving in together would be disasterous if neither of you want to get back together. The children would end up getting confused. They may even assume that you are back together again and then they will be left with their hopes dashed, not to mention even more confused, when they have to move again. OK so you are only talking 6 months .... but when is 6 months ever really 6 months? I think it is a good idea for her to move closer to you so that you can be more involved with the children but whatever choices you make now should be permanent choices so the children don't have anymore unsettlement than they have already had.

[lostandhurt]

Okay I have read most of the threads you have posted just now.

 

WOW! you can pick them can't you? lol

 

I think you made the right choice for you in this case. From reading your threads I can see that having your ex wife in your house is a disaster waiting to happen. It would only be a matter of time before she seduced you and then let the drama begin. Keep the ex at arms length, do what is best for your children and always keep in mind why your are not married to her anymore.

Also NEVER stop paying child support unless the court orders it! NEVER EVER!!!!! If you two do work out a deal she can pay you back after there is proof that you paid like you are supposed to. NEVER pay with cash, never skip a payement and always keep records or your payments.

 

Lost

[gallop30]

this is kinda funny i must say.

the children don't want back, but still she makes the decisions.

she wants to fix what's unfixable. i must give her credit at least for growing up and thinking like a mature women now,even if it's too late.

 

i'm just sorry for the kids,my best wishes go out to all of you

[Live-N-Learn]

I believe she will end up moving back to Tulsa. She is selfish to some degree and will not want to take care of the kids by herself and having me closer will facilitate that plan. I am OK with it and am on to her scheming and will set healthy boundaries. I just want the kids back here closer to me so that I can be more involved in there lives. She will easily be able to talk the kids into moving back here. The difficult part IMO is her finding a good job. She says there are plenty but I doubt it.

[gallop30]

live,are you a man or a mouse?

think about your kids