Casmut Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Just a quick backround check. My gf and I have been dating for close to 2 months, and things have been great thus far. We spend a good amount of time together, see movies, have dinneretc. The sex is great and we both get very deep with it, so that department is fine. Everything just seems peachy besides one major flaw. Her culture greatly differs from mine. She is from India and I am European. In her culture she must marry someone of her parents choosing, she is simply not allowed to date yet she does it anyway. I didn't know until recently that marriages are arranged in her culture and there's no other way around. A few days ago after we had sex, we talked a little bit our future and I had simply asked her if she would ever tell her parents about me. She said she isn't strong enough to face her parents, and I respect that. She then said that her and I have an expiry date which is in 2 or 3 years when she is done university, after that her parents will force her to marry. I wasn't sure how to respond to that so I said that I don't give up to easily and that things can change. At the same time I felt that I should just break it off with her before we get to emotionally attached. She really likes me, heck she loves me..a feeling I haven't yet gained for her. So I'm in a dead end relationship, and I'm not sure if I should chance it or not. Its a big gamble but it feels like a lost cause. Could use some advice... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaraBlue Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 If you want something more and it's something she cannot give you, it's best to end it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 I feel that in cultures where it's really expected to please and honor your parents in that way it's very unlikely she'll change her mind and you should thank her for being this honest with you and then move on. Imagine how you'll feel in several years when you've spent all of that time with her, fallen inlove, dreamed about your future, etc. and she tells you "I told you all along we had an expiration date". She'll go on to be married as per her family's arrangement and you'll be left to start over again. Imagine a time in your life where you wish you could back to and warn the younger you not to do something. Now imagine an older you looking back at the you today and saying "please don't waste this time....you already know it's a dead end." Hmmmm....my "exercise" didn't come out as well as I thought it would....hopefully you get the idea. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lvrnftr11 Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Another opinion is that if you walk away now, what is it that your doing? Playing it safe? Because you are afraid of being hurt! But loving someone is never a waste of time!!!! Respecting her family and background is being a mature individual. But there are no guarantees in life. But it would be a terrible waste to look back and realize she was the love of your life and you didn't give your relationship every possible opportunity! Love is the strongest driving force in our lives in my opinion. The devotion you show her over time could be the reason she breaks her apron strings to her parents. But respecting her is paramount! Life for me is about lessons, very tough lessons at times that threaten to break us, but strengthen us for the journey that is love and life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casmut Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 Thanks for the replies and yes savignon i get the idea. That scenario is something i've played through my mind numerous times since she told me the situation. I've also dabbled in the idea that if i am there for her, respect her and love her that there may be a possibility that she'll go against her parents wishes and make a decision that she wants. The way i see things right now is that in either direction i go, i may have regret. If i stay with her and give it the chance then it could work, but at the same time i could end up hurt if it doesn't work. If i leave her then i don't get hurt as much and i'll probably regret the fact that i let someone that i know i could feel deep love for in the future go.. But in my heart i feel that i should let her go, maybe i am protecting myself but i think in the long run it'll be for the best. I thought i'd sleep on it and maybe i'd have a better sense of things, but i still feel that letting her go might just be the best choice to make. As much as i really don't want that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 I think you know it's for the best to let this go asap. On the brightside, look you aren't talking about your ex! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casmut Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Ms Darcy! Great to hear from you, hope all is well. I stopped with the ex long ago, in fact i was able to muster up the courage to basically tell her everything on my mind. Deleted her from FB, got rid of her phone number, blocked her from my emails and such. I want absolutely nothing to do with her. I think its best to let go, but i hate giving up..but really i don't think its giving up either since the cards have been played, it just seems like there's a small chance. How do approach a situation like this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Firstly, you have been dating 2 months. You can't really say you know her well enough to even know you'd entertain the idea of marrying her someday. But I would express my concerns. She does have a choice to tell her parents she is marrying someone else or not marrying who they choose. If she ends up with you for a year or two, etc, she may find the courage to do so, esp. if she is proposed to, but then again, she might not. It would be reasonable for you to tell her that you can't be in a relationship with someone who must marry someone else and then its up to her to make the decision or not. But you really can't say that unless you are prepared to marry her. I would maybe see where this goes for a short while longer and then maybe make a decision. It could all be for nothing if you don't end up really working out, of course. Just have fun just like she is, but be hones with yourself. If she is adamant, then you have to protect yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SayWhen Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 The only way she can stay with you is if she defies her parents which is highly unlikely, especially since she already said she doesn't believe she has the courage to do so. You either need to end it, or continue in the relationship and hope that when she graduates that she will have the strength to stay with you...but that seems like a huge gamble. Personally if I was with someone who told me in 2-3 years that we would break-up, I'd probably end the relationship, but then again I agree with a previous poster who said love is never a waste of time. Tough situation...good luck and keep us updated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemonie Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Two months is a relatively short time. It's up to you to judge... is your girlfriend the type of person who would date a guy while knowing that it's a definite thing they'll break up in the future? Maybe she's just having too much fun with you at the moment, but as time passes and things become more serious, she might muster up enough courage not to 'defy' her parents but to at least speak to them. The fact that she's already disobeying them this early on can have a negative impact once her parents find out, though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 If I were you I would get out now while it's still relatively early in the relationship before you get even more attached than you already are. I've seen people do this to themselves (stay in a relationship with an expiration date) and I always wonder why they do it. As much as it will hurt to end things now, if you want a relationship with a future, this isn't it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casmut Posted January 31, 2011 Author Share Posted January 31, 2011 Thanks all for the great input, its been a great help and has put things into perspective. Her and i are still together and things seem perfectly fine, but this whole thing still lingers in the back of my head. I am unsure what to do at the moment, i am 50/50 with the whole thing. I am going to talk to her soon about how i feel, but i'll wait until the end of February because she has a few things going on and i don't want her to be distracted. I really care about her a lot, sometimes i wonder if i could change her mind with time.. Thanks again for the replies, i will continue to update here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TearsofFate Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Hello, I remember reading your threads from a year back. I'm glad to read you are dating this girl. I was just going to say I used to get panic attacks (like her) when I couldn't breath and freak out for no reason. I was thinking maybe I could help since I don't get them anymore after 4 long years of trying to get rid of them. This kinda regards to your other post. Oh and I ended up in the hospital thinking I was dying a few times and couldn't even go outside I used to get them so badly. Firstly, the breathing thing. I used to HATE that right up there with the fast heart beat thing! those two things are what makes panic attacks, for me, so scary. So I decided to try and get rid of the fast breathing first. What helps...3D picture books. Believe it or not. If you focus on getting a 3D image...(a easy one or a hard one), your brain changes the way you breathe. You can ONLY make the 3D imagine appear if you are calm. So while you're looking for it, while freaking out you'll start to notice your breathing going back to normal. This is what actually cured me of my breathing problem thing. I don't need the 3D books anymore. Paper bags kinda work but not really. Next is getting rid of "the edge", the thing that causes fear, and feels like crap, and is basically makes a panic attack worse and worse. If you can get rid of the edgey feeling you are good to go. What helps....vitamin C. Vitamin C and natural fruit sugars naturely slow the heart rate down and regulate the heart rate...so when having a panic attack if you take vitamin C pills it really helps. Some people drink fruit drinks but I find vitamin C pills are better because fruit drinks can cause acid reflux in ppl with bad nerves and make the attack worse. So buy a bottle of vitamin C pills for her. The trick is to "overdose" on them. I know that sounds bad but it's harmless...I take only 1 vitamin C pill (200g-500g) but there were times in the early beginning when I first started using them where I took 4-5. Taking this many at first is fine. IT saved me so many panic episodes I swear to God...it really saved me. Oh and let her sit down too. It works faster if you are sitting or not moving, it calms you faster (for me usually in 2-5 mins). If you are walking it sometimes doesn't work until you stop walking. it's a quick relief really. She wont always need to overdose btw, after a 2 months I hardly needed them at all. Now my panic attacks are non-existant. I highly suggest trying out these two things. I keep a bottle of C's in my purse all the time. It's the best! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casmut Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 Oh my i haven't been on here in quite awhile! I know i said i would update, and here it is. Firstly, Tears it is great to hear from you and i apologize for the lengthy delay in replying to your response. I appreciate the great reply and advice, i hope things are well with you. So i went through with it, and perhaps a thread needs to be made in the break up forums. For the sake of a promised update however, i'll write what happened here. Ever since she mentioned this expiration date, things on my end rolled down hill. I started to back off, and build up a guard. As my guard went up she gradually grew way to attached to me, to the point where i actually felt smothered. She consistently sent me text messages, and when i didn't respond within a 10 minute period she would call me. Within those 10 minutes should would send anywhere from 20-30 texts, this is not an exaggeration. It got real annoying, especially at work. So i sat down and talked to her about the messaging business and she chalked it up to wanting my attention 100% but said she would cut down on the constant texting/calling. She was actually for it because it was interfering in her studies. Well it didn't last to long, and it got FAR worse. I went out one evening with my closest friends whom i haven't seen in awhile. It was nice for a change, but during that evening she made it a point to get my attention, in the 3 and a half hours i was out with my friends i estimated her texts at about 200-350 messages. With very little replies from my end. I got real grumpy over this, but held it together until one evening about 3 weeks ago i basically snapped. It was a Tuesday, and i had a long day at work, i was so exhausted and i couldnt wait to just get some sleep. I made my rounds, called her to talk for a few minutes and say good night. When we got off the phone she texts me and starts a conversation, after 15 minutes of texting i tell her im going to bed, she says "ok sweetie get some sleep!"...then she found something else to talk about and kept me up even longer till finally i said "shutting my phone off, night". From the time she told me about an expiration date, till the time she went text crazy, caused my attraction for her to decrease substantially. Eventually i just didn't even want to kiss her..which leads me to this point. I ended it last week, telling her that the expiration date didn't sit well with me and her culture conflicts tremendously with our relationship if she isn't willing to take a risk. I also told her that i felt smothered, and that the constant texting/calling began to take its toll on my every day life. She was bothered but seem fine about it, saying that it was a good thing because she wants to focus more on school and family. I hope she's ok, i didn't want to do this but i felt myself slipping so i had to do something. We've been broken up for over a week, and i'm VERY content with the turn out. It sounds harsh, but i feel like i am free... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
markfromark Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Do some research, talk to other Indians. Arranged marriage is common but neither mandatory nor forced. Even in India she has a free will. Even in India no one will force her to marry. I assume she lives in the US right now. If her parents pressure her to marry a man of the parent's choice that's another topic. The expiration date only exists in her mind and that of her parents. By the time she graduates she might have the self confidence to stand up to her parents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casmut Posted April 5, 2011 Author Share Posted April 5, 2011 I've done research on the whole thing. She is simply unwilling to take any chances. Either way i did end it with her, and i intend to keep it that way. Not to sound bad, but if someone isn't willing to take any chances or make minor adjustments to their life style then i see no point in being in a relationship at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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