post-marriage depression -- what do you think?

[BWillie]

I am a guy heading to divorce. She is sure that is what she wants.

 

We married with the best of intentions. But it turned out to be more than I could handle well. I came down with a case of post-marriage depression. Which in turn depressed her, because she felt she could not reach me. She got very frustrated and even angry, understandably, when I shut her out.

 

It seems there was too much change. First, the marriage itself... I'm 50 and had always pictured myself getting married but never had... and the fact she has two kids (a girl, 13; and a boy, 12) who soak up so much of the oxygen every day... and that I had to move, from DC to Minneapolis, so that my winters would go from annoying to brutal.

 

I left but wanted to come back and try again. She decided that would be a bad idea. She thinks deep down, I really don't want to be there. I miss her -- she's a great lady -- but I must admit to ambivalence, though I wanted to work through that.

 

Has ANYBODY been through anything like this? Or know anyone who has? If anyone has any insights, I'm all ears. Thank you!

[savignon]

It sounds like it was a huge transition for you and required more sacrifices than you could/wanted to/were able to make. As a mom she has to put her kids first and if you suddenly changed from the guy she had been dating to this guy who shut her out, it makes sense that she can't continue with that. You admit yourself that you're ambivilent so it seems like she has a good sense of you and knows you don't really want to be there and that it would be a waste of time to work on it.

Focus on what you'll do next. Go back to DC? Go back to your old job? I know it feels like the end of one chapter in your life, and it is, but it's also the beginning of a new chapter. You don't really want to be unhappy, closed off, not liking your new state, overwhelmed by suddenly having kids.....it wasn't making you happy. So while the loss is also something unhappy, it's temporary whereas staying in an unhappy situation is indefinite.

Best wishes.

[swampyankee]

I know of two situations where a guy walked in on a "family-in-progress".

I'm 50+, divorced after raising 4 kids, and moved in with a woman 10 yrs younger with 2 mid-teen boys. I was an empty nester for a while so I had a transition where I felt like I didn't have my own space. On the other hand, having had kids, I was used to the dynamics and them "using up all the oxygen" (good analogy, btw).

I spent a fair amount of time considering, processing, adjusting and setting ground rules for my involvement in their upbringing (I'm just a roommate to them, unless I feel they're disrespecting their mom). I also took my time making the full transition and maintained my own apartment for over a year while I spent most of my time as part of the household. It has worked out well although I still have my moments, depression being one of them. We are engaged, but we are waiting for the youngest son (now 16) to graduate high school before we marry, which seems to me to be a fair waiting period.

 

My son's mother-in-law lived with a 50 yr old guy who (10 yrs older than her), and had never been married, no kids. She says he had a hard time adjusting to having 2 teenage girls in the house after being solo for virtually all his life. They worked it out, albeit not without conflict. He lived to see her youngest daughter move out and marry and they enjoyed a very nice empty nest time.

Sadly, he was not very healthy and died recently at 64 yrs old. But his widow looks back on their 12 yrs together very fondly.

 

As was said, I think you had just too much change, between moving accross country, change of job, home environment, etc. My fiance's kids were 14 and 16 when I came along and were just becoming more independent