Alone and alots on my mind

[Tman1439]

Recently, (like the last month and a half i guess) I've been feeling really lonley inside eventhough theres loads of people around me every day. I just feel like i need to go somewhere and get lost, so that I can be as alone as I feel inside. Because i have to be around friends and family all day, i act happy and pumped up, cuz' I'm the guy who is always pumped up and happy and seems to have everything going perfect for him. I don't want anyone around me to worry. But every thing that i have going for me now, its just like one day I didn't want any of it anymore.

 

I've gotten actually really good at acting happy, so much that sometimes i don't know if i'm actually happy or acting and that scares me. Theres one other thing i've never really been able to get over and that's that ever since grade 3, ive wanted a girlfriend (im in grade 10 now.) and everything was perfect back then i was still pretty smart and i had a crush on the most amazing girl i'd ever met and she "liked" me back and we were best friends too but the week I was going to ask her to be my girlfriend (this was 2 years later). My mom tells me we're moving 4 hours away to live with my step-dad and since that day i've never seen her again. You're probably thinking " 4 hours isn't that bad". Think about this, its not like we fell apart or anything, we were literally ripped apart. Its not a good feeling when you're ripped apart from your best friend and the first girl you ever had feelings for.Since then i've had terrible luck trying to date anyone in the new town.

 

I'm kind of rambling now but I have to say one more thing. You know when people say someone is " dead inside" like they are just mean and really dont show or seem like they have any emotions? I feel like that. But when i was little between the ages of 5 and 10, i was super happy and nice to everyone even the people i didnt like. but in the last 5 years 3 things have happined that i know caused this. 1. when I had to move away from the girl from earlier. 2. When my other best friend Taylor, my dog that we adopted around my birth, died because my Uncle that I don't speak to anymore kicked him and caused him to internally bleed and he had to be put down. I couldnt be there because we were 4 hours away and couldnt get there. 3. The christmas that just passed, my grandma and mom were fighting on christmas eve and usually I can calm everything down and get them to be rational. but they fought and my grandma left and nobody knew where she was for 4 hours but I tried and i couldnt get them to talk. thats when I learned that my best isn't good enough if it doesnt do anything. They evenchually talked the next day barely before we were gonna leave and I was told i might not see her again. I was grasping at straws but I knocked some sense into them.

 

This i whats been on my mind. Whats everybodys thoughts?

[Squiggy]

I'll share you my thoughts. I feel very much alone right now. I am friendly and have lots of friends to count on. But tonite i feel alone like no one cares about me. Depressing really. Then i look back when i wasn't alone. Had a good friend and would shoot whatever is on my mind. We drifted apart because our friendship wasn't that solid. It was broken up when i was certain that i couldn't trust him. I used to call on this girl before and now i don't have her number. Guess i lost it or deleted it because i was mad at her. Its because of me that i feel alone on this world. I go to work and be happy and energetic; but thats my work and i really enjoy being good at it. But then i cannot be "friends" with them because it causes conflicts at my workplace. I never wanted to be a manager, twice i tried running away from it but only to come back to that career. Its hard to balance life when in the end, you i don't have that somebody. i think that will be my goal this year, to find that somebody.. any how, those are my thoughts. Kinda different in terms of our age, and yeah i wish it was more simpler like how it was before. When all i used to worry about is coming home before it gets dark. hmm those were the happy days