A break up like a knife in the dark.

[Drake7]

This got a bit long, sorry.

 

Ive never had much luck with the ladies so when I met my girlfriend 4 years ago I saw it as practically a gift from god. Things got tough over the years, I was diagnosed with cancer before I met her, but she stuck with me and supported me. I was too sick to work and on the brink of giving up and she did everything to cheer me up and help me out. She would go well out of her way to make me smile.. When I started to recover and it was time to rebuild my life something went terribly wrong..

 

It was barely 6 months ago when the doctors told me I would pull through to a full recovery. I had a hard time accepting it, the 5 year fight had taken a huge toll and at times I admit I took the grief out on her. I apologized and professed starting a life together even if it wasn't one full of major financial gains, she didn't care and wanted to be with me. I scraped together what money I could and began plans to move in with her but before I could even decide on what stuff to bring she phoned me and broke up with me. I loved her more than anything and so she stabs me in the back.

 

Four years which I considered the happiest in my troubled life, now completely meaningless. She claims she dosent know what she wants in life anymore and wants to be alone to work everything out. She claims to want to be friends but I profess It wont happen because I love her and one day seeing her with another man would kill me, probably literally. She claims its not to see other people but to work things out on her own to decide what she wants in life. but I just cant seem to believe it, like its some excuse to somehow distract me so she can move on. She was always so sure of herself and what she wanted...

 

She destroyed all my plans at a new life with her, a happy one.. gone within minutes. The emotional pain is so intense its actually worse than when I was first diagnosed. I practically begged her to stay claiming she can figure everything out without leaving me but she simply scream at me that I was trying to guilt trip her into staying and that I don't respect her needs. She kept saying that she doesn't want to hurt me and that she has no control over these feeling, I replied that the hurt was done and she was breaking my heart in two. What does it mean? Is there another man? Did she ever love me?... Is she some sort of monster who likes hard luck cases then ditches when things pick up? Shes not the lying type... but my mind is wracked with confusing doubt and defeat. I feel completely unable to do anything, I drag myself around like an old man dieing slowly in a rest home. I feel I will never be able to find someone new, or ever get over her. I was months away from proposing to her and now the thought of facing life alone and without her is completely unbearable.

 

I figured it was a flaw in myself, I'm not a bad person, im sensitive and kind. I do everything I can for her but even after everything it ended and everyone I know is in complete shock as well. I need some sort of closure or some sort of explanation of what these happenings all mean.

 

If anyone out there is an expert at this and can lend some insight of what is happen I would appreciate it with every inch of my being.

 

 

Thank you for reading.

[ForumGuy]

Of course she loves you, she stayed with you through your sickness which is not an easy task. She has cold feet about living together and it could be for a variety of reasons. Maybe your cancer took alot out of her and she is afraid it might happen again. She needs a break from things and since you love her, you will give it to her. If she comes back, maybe you will get another chance. If she doesn't come back, and finds happiness elsewhere in life whether by herself or with someone else, you will happy for her, becasue you love her. No matter what the real reasons are for the break-up, you must respect her wishes and give her what she is asking for, space....again, because you love her and this is what she wants. Right now, you are in denial that his could be happening and that is normal. We have all made it through times like these and you will too. Keep reading threads on here. Check out the "advanced search"...there are tons of them.

[MissSMcc]

if she wants space you have to give it to her, no matter how hard it is for you. i know the instinct to plead and beg when someone we love leaves us, but that will only make her feel more confined and like she told you, you're not respecting her wishes. if you don't give her the space and time she has requested she may be left feeling like you are not listening to her and only thinking of your own needs. give her the space and she may find that she misses you, or she may decide she doesn't want you back, either way it's what she needs and you have to give it to her, without questioning her motives.

[Drake7]

Thank you for the advice. I read a few other threads and decided the clear facebook out completely of her presence as well as her friends who already deleted me. As well as employ complete NC. I noticed her picture before I deleted her off.. a huge smile and all dolled up with makeup. Scared me deeply, her looking so happy after what happen, its like it didn't hurt her at all. Maybe a cover????? I cried on the phone harder than she did(so hard my nose bled) but she did indeed cry, was it fake?? The fact her friends were deleting me rapidly scared me further, its like shes poisoning them to me. Ive spent the last few days completely avoid my computer and internet, but received a message from her sister. She told me to not contact my ex under and circumstances, she then attacked me with a wall of text saying her sister needed an extremely supportive man with an amazing job and life.. I Wish she could just tell me that to my face, providing its what she really wants. Her mother had even called mine, saying I better not end up like an abusing harassing ex... At the end of the message the sister said my ex would talk to me when shes ready. I get the harpies sicked on me and its so hard to believe she will get closure with me or work things out if she cant even face me directly. I even considered going out to her place and confronting her in person, but I fear possible police involvement regardless of my peaceful approach. I can't wait around hoping forever for her return. Im late in life emotionally and if she won't be my muse I need to find another special woman to be that, be my lady of the lake. Hope got me through cancer but right now its hurting me so badly I can't eat sleep or even go to work without popping a sleeping pill to dull my nerves.

 

I can't get proper closure and I can't stand outside her window with a boom box blaring Peter Gabriel, what do I do now???

[confuseddotcom]

I can't get proper closure and I can't stand outside her window with a boom box blaring Peter Gabriel, what do I do now???

 

I know it's not what you want to hear but you do nothing. At this point there's nothing you can do to bring her back. Anything you do will just push her further away.

 

Btw, I think it's terrible what her Mum and Sister said to you.Their reaction (and her friends also) seems way out of proportion to your behaviour.

[fwdthinker]

Please stay off the pills!

[Drake7]

Knowing I can do absolutely nothing is killing me but I do accept it to be true. Action at this point will result in me ending up in jail or a funny farm. Covering her car in flowers sounds great in my head but I bet would make it worse.. I feel right now she is already pushed away completely because of the very nice email I sent to her a day after the break up.(24th) I scanned an old letter she wrote me and attached it on the email. Did she even read it?? Did she even mean it? My anger tells me she deleted it and simply hated me further. She had to read the email, this resulted in the family coming after me. My nice gesture made her hate me, I dont get it. I devoted my life to her and she hates me? Theres been no contact from her directly since the break up phone call, so I have no idea what shes feeling towards me, so my mind simply assumes its hate. I was prepared to give my life for her and now it seems like shes taking my life from me one pill at a time. Im a sensitive man and very reasonable yet they make me out into this psycho stalker monster, which makes me think they never really held me in high regard.

 

The pain and anger get so intense at night, (since I no longer sleep) I scream to myself "That bi*#ch probably just wanted to f*%k other guys!" I remember the last few conversation before the break up, they were almost all about her being sexually starved. She would tell me how much she wished I was over at her place. One time she was basically trying to make deals with me, if I moved in with her sooner she would do more things sexually adventurous. Was that a warning sign of some sort??? Is she just going to become some sort of sex addict??? Or was it truly aimed at me only? If I found out right now she found a guy or was flirting with one, or the more extremes that she slept with a guy or anything like that I Know I would probably snap. I am still employing strict NC(No choice she wont talk to me). I want to believe her claims of wanting to stay single but I cant. I remember her comments of "I want to be just friends again." It translated to me that she wanted to try other guys while I have to watch in extremely pain knowing I should be in his place. I feel if I can't have her then no one should.. The pain is driving me up the wall and the insomnia is making it worse. The sleeping pills are making me ill but without them I go sometimes 2-3 days without an hours rest.

 

I opened up my heart to her and so she stabbed it, I feel now that ive lived long enough to become the villain. I think of all sorts of mean things I woulds say to her, despite my love for her. I just don't know how I can move on and ever love another woman. She has left such a stain on my life I just cant wash it away. Im terrified of what might happen to me. I fear an overdose on the meds or death from a lack of sleep. I saw a doctor who just gave me more meds I just cant take it anymore.

[MissSMcc]

maybe you should see another doctor, obviously the meds aren't helping as they should. i know how unjust it can feel when an ex says things that imply you are something you are not, when my ex moved out he said something about not wanting there to be any fighting and shouting when he came to pick up his stuff, this infuriated me because i was never the one shouting and screaming, that was always him. someone on here told me that often when a person ends a relationship and says things like that with no apparant reason its because they feel the need to justify the split to themselves or their family. don't rise to it, i know it's hard but you have to focus on yourself, your relationship is over, at least for the moment, and contacting her in any way when she has asked you not to will only push her away further and give her justification in leaving you (i asked him not to contact me but he still does, he doesn't respect my wishes, he's such a psycho etc.). so get yourself back to the docs and sort out your meds, and do whatever you can to distract yourself from the pain.

[Drake7]

Im sorry to hear about your split up. 2011 seems to be the year of endings. I can see now that contacting her can not show love or concern but only cause problems. I assumed a nice email would get a nice reply. Her need to justify the break up by making me into a monster makes me question her original motives. You point out that respecting wishes is important, when your ex did not respect yours i can only imagine the pain it causes you. So as such, i will respect her last wish, i will never contact her ever again, so long as i live, period, as a last act of love. If she truly wants to speak to me again as i was informed then she will, regardless i want to work on me and my own well being. I considered taking nc to an extreme and completely dropping off the face of the planet from not just her but everyone else in my personal life. Deleting facebook, change phone numbers, maybe even my legal name. In a way to maybe make them think i died or something. I sometimes wish she never existed..

[MissSMcc]

do whatever you have to to get your strength and happiness up, but i don't think dropping off the face of the planet would achieve this. family and friends can be priceless at a time like this, not only as a shoulder to cry on but also as a distraction from the break up. do you have many close friends you can call on for support? also a good thing to do, when you feel able, is to try and make new friends. put all thoughts of romance and love out of your mind for the moment and concentrate on new hobbies and activities, join social clubs, a gym, book groups, whatever you are interested in. and if you feel the need to vent, just come on here and do it, you can't aim it at your ex but it's not healthy to keep it inside either. basically, be selfish, live for yourself now and be completely responsible for your own health and wellbeing.

[Drake7]

Sadly, most my friends moved after high school however i still have a handful left. Hanging out is ok for awhile to distract myself but they are not hugely supportive friends. My mother has been supportive but is not the best to vent to. I start a new job in a week so meeting new friends is a possibility and a bit exciting. I lived the majority of my life pleasing others, satisfying their needs, and now realize i have done so little for myself that i feel as if i have nothing. I would hate to be selfish but it sounds like it would be a good thing to pursue what i need and not what others need right now. No more being a door mat. I would love to be emotionally independent before i pursue another love, its just so hard to let go of my grief and regrets.

[MissSMcc]

i know it's hard, but time is a healer (haven't heard that before right lol). i think it's important not to depend on a partner for your self worth and emotional happiness, not to say you shouldn't take comfort from a good relationship or a supportive partner, but you have to depend more on yourself and your own way of life to make you feel fulfilled. congrats on the new job, it's a great chance to meet new people and gain some confidence as a single man. being emotionally independent before beginning a new relationship is a must, but to achieve that you have to create a life for yourself where you are happy being single. this will also mean that you won't be relying on a partner to give you all the emotional support you need, which will give any new relationship you have a better shot at working out. i know that's a long way away, so take baby steps, think of the things you need to get through this hard time (eg. a good nights sleep, activities etc) and think of ways to get these things (eg. see your doctor, new hobbies etc). don't rush yourself, as long as you are being proactive in your healing you will get there.

[Drake7]

I certainly am ready to heal however it seems certain things set me back. So many of my possessions are from her. People say to get rid of all the gifts and emotional triggers from the ex but there is so much stuff.... I'm not exactly sure of how to go about it.

 

I hit a real snag tonight when I was checking my public email and saw a statue update via msn. "livin life" Her positivity scares me. I hate myself for checking her profile, 5 new friends all guys.. what is going on??? I feel violated sexually right now, like all of our encounters were to satisfy her sick sexual needs. This girl took my virginity at 18(She lost hers to an ex that raped her.) and now its like shes become some sort of * * * * .. I am so lost right now... Is she a complete monster to be able to move on this fast???? What kind of monster is she to do something like this to such a nice guy like me, I just don't feel I deserve this. I am a good person I always have been, I don't intentionally hurt people but yet I am being tortured.

 

I have stopped taking the sleeping pills but as a result I have not slept since my last post. Sleeping terrifies me, I just can't do it, I tend to have really bad vivid dreams and I know if I sleep I will dream of her. I can almost predict it will be a dream about us getting back together. I have ate two cups of rahmen noodles since it happen and I am wasting away. I was 282 on the 23rd of January(break up date) and now I'm down to 268 and dropping fast. I feel like I am literally dieing, this punishment to my body worsens because of having cancer in the past. One last friend I could talk to dropped out of contact of me tonight, he couldn't take it anymore. I really feel like I need a friend, someone I can talk to on a regular basis but this small town is so lonely. I'm not even sure I have the capacity to be happy single.

 

I really am lost at this point, I feel like I have walked into someone else's life.

[MissSMcc]

sorry bud

the livin life thing could just be a front, i put something similar on my facebook page shortly after my ex left to try and save face with my family (pretend like i don't care). so don't read too much into it, same goes for the new guy friends, they could be anyone, old friends from school, distant relatives, friends of friends she's never met, just because a woman has a guy on her friends list doesn't mean she is sleeping with him.

sleeping was also bad for me for a while, i had lots of nightmares (theres a post i made on here about it somewhere), the dreams have faded though, and i kinda think in someway they helped because i felt much better through the day, like my mind had gotten it all out of my system in my sleep. also it's totally normal to not be eating, i lost about 5 kilos after my break up (think thats about 12lbs.) purely through not eating, the thought of eating actually made me want to vomit for a while. it will get better, but only if you allow it to. that means letting yourself feel the pain, but not wallowing in it, and not being too hard on yourself if you have a bad day.

friends are also tricky, i think thats a big part of why this forum is so valuable, friends may get bored of hearing about it, or not know what to say to help. we all have an understanding here of what you are going through and we wont get bored or judge you so keep posting here if you need someone to talk to.

[Aether]

Have you thought about counselling Drake? It would give you someone to talk to on a regular basis and ultimately help you see things in a different light which will definitely help. I went through the feeling like I was going to die thing too, I think many of us do. This week marks 2 months out for me and I've only just over the last couple of days got a proper appetite back. Have a think about the counselling though, this forum is fantastic, but sometimes it helps more to actually hear what you are saying if you know what I mean? I'm not sure of why it seems that way, but to me it does, I hope you start to feel a little better soon, take care *hugs*

[Drake7]

Thank you for the advice.

 

Its both good and bad to know so many people here are suffering as I am. I indeed made a few appointments with a counselor, I go for my first this Saturday. One thing I thought about last night was during the break up call I asked her how long she was miserable for. She said that the first year was good but after that she was miserable.. I feel like for 3 of the 4 years she only stayed with me out of pity for my cancer. She would sometimes say I was a promise breaker or a lier but now that I realize it maybe she was the worst of all. If she was so unhappy with me after the first year she should have left, not lead me on for three years while I tried to build a life with her that I thought she wanted. I did indeed build my entire life plans around her and then she breaks it off, right before action was about to be taken... She gave me no opportunity what so ever to try to work things out between us properly, and chose to just ran away. There certainly was no second chances.

 

Really makes me wonder if I should tell my next romantic interest that I had cancer. I hate when people feel pity for me, nothing in life was ever handed to me and I am not looking for free hand outs. Now though.. I feel like thats what her love was, her feeling sorry for me and just being there because she felt obligated too. When she entered my life I had absolutely no one and she saw that. Was her love based on pity? I think maybe a warning sign was from time to time when we argued she would use it against me. "I went to all your cancer appointments when ever I could, I would take work off and make time for you..." her tone of voice made it sound like I was just a job she couldn't quit... till now.

 

I feel completely used, I really don't know if I can give my heart and dreams to another woman if shes just to going to smash them all over again. I figured woman liked men who went all out for them, the knight in shining armor, but all that got me was heartbreak..

 

I just don't know...

[poweroflove]

Drake you might not want to hear this, but I am going to share with you my honest opinion. I totally understand you are hurting and this breakup caused you immense pain. Right now you feel she perhaps had pity for you and you were more of obligation. I don't see it this way. You yourself said she tried her best to cheer you up, pull you together through your darkest stages and took alot of your frustration on her. She did that until you recovered from cancer, thankfully. She doesn't seem a monster at all. If she was, she would've left you the second she knew about your illness or when the opportunity arises which am sure at some point it did in your 4-years relationship. Maybe it was not pity, maybe it was an instant feeling, unexplainable feeling that made her wants to take care of us and bring joy to your life as much as she can. Yes it hurts so bad when we become too attached to them emotionally and want to take the relationship further. I experienced something similar, I was the one who out of my desire to take care of him and did it for years, felt entitled to him. It took different turn. I was (still) hurt me so much. I was angry, heart broken, disappointed, etc. But I tried to be fair, to see it from different angel and be truthful to myself. I still love him very much, I still care about him but decided to remove myself from the situation because I need to emotionally detach myself from him. I will always stand by his side.

 

Sometimes as much as it stings, but remembering the good things, the truth and understanding the feelings of the other party, make things easier. Bearing negative feelings toward the person you truly love and whom deep down you know he/she loves(d) you back makes things heavier on heart, more pain and saddness.

 

My advise will be to remember the good, special and fond memories. Try to remember the goodness she brought into your life. Cancer is very stressful, on top of being there for you, she was cheering you up, very supportive and taking your frustrations. Maybe all of that took its toll on her. Maybe. Maybe her behaviour is senseless to you, but perhaps it time for you to "cheer her up" and that by respecting her wish without holding any grudge against her or feeling of ill will or resentment.

 

Love doesnt have to go, in fact true love never dies. Just focus on yourself. You are still very young, life is going to smile at you and the first sign is your complete recovery from cancer Be grateful that you had someone who helped you get through it and just embark on a healing journey.

[Drake7]

I try to think of good memories with her but now they have all turned into negative ones. To think of these so called good memories simply reminds me of her and then comes the pain.. She broke my heart, she gave up on me so when I look back at the times we had together it all feels false. I hate to have negative feelings towards her but its like its all I am capable of now. There has been absolutely no direct contact from her, I haven't the slightest idea of how she is feeling. The little I was able to figure out makes it seem like I never existed to her. The NC makes me feel like she hates me... I do not understand how NC could mean anything else. I simply see it as, one completely avoiding those they dislike. So I am trying my hardest to erase her from my memory, like she never existed.. I can't even say for sure if she ever did love me or if she does right now deep down I just do not feel it... Before she hung up I asked her, "do you love me yes or no" she did not answer it and simply said she "cared about me" and also had been worrying about me the last few months but could not state the reasons why. I was so mad I told her I was going to enlist in the army and just, disappear from her life forever, this did get a rise out of her on the phone, changing her tone to a very worried one. She always hated the idea of me joining the army. I feel so hurt and betrayed, I never once gave up on her, never. But.. she threw me away like a dirty napkin and had her sister/mother said very hurtful things towards me, although I am not sure if it was 100% intentional. I am grateful that she was there even if it didn't last, I probably would have just killed myself.. when I reflect upon it now I just feel like she was never truly there. I am in basically a complete recovery from cancer but there will be many follow up appointments which I will now be facing alone.

 

I hold onto the hope that she will one day return to speak with me(as her sister stated) but I feel in my heart its a fabrication to get me to shut up. If she did come back to talk with me maybe in a month or two I would try to work things out. If she talked to me in a year or two and was with someone I would probably blow up in her face and go into a more severe depression. The idea of her with another man enrages me and gives me a horrible sinking feeling. I don't want to hate her but I don't want her in my life in any way shape or form if shes not with me.

 

I never was good at interpreting the actions of girls which is making this a nightmare. As well as the fact she was my first love and this is my first break up.

[Drake7]

Just a quick update but a friend had asked me to make a profile on a dating site to meet new people..

 

And... I saw my ex on there. I read her profile and it was complete garbage. She claimed our relationship was only 2 years, she says on it she is a smoker.(Seriously!!! ive never seen her smoke what a liar.) Makes me wonder what else she has been doing. Or maybe she just started I dont know. Seems like she was only doing or not doing things because she was with me. I was always suspicious about her cheating on me and stuff maybe she was. The fact that she has already moved on completely and is now looking for another guy like we never happened is killing me. It almost confirms everything I have feared in my previous posts..

 

I am at the breaking point.