Having casual sex with best friend...he' loves me' but do I love him?? ARGH!

[swaymiss]

Hi, um I don't really know what I'm gonna get from posting this but I have a majorly confused head so just wondering if anyone has been in the same situation or anything? Besides lots of people say its good just to write things down so here goes…

 

I've known this guy since we were 16 and became best friends from about the age of 18 (I'm female btw and now 21). He’s such a sweet guy, really good looking with such a lovely laid back and fun personality and we seem to just naturally get along, have a laugh and be totally comfortable in each others company.

 

I've been in 2 long term relationships and the odd mess around with other people since I've known him but we’ve always been friends throughout (just didn’t get to see and speak to each other quite as much alone because hey turns out guys are threatened when you have a male best friend, can you believe it!? lol). I broke up with the last bf last September after nearly a year of being on/off and just over 2 years together and tbh am happy being young free and single again.

 

Aanyways... thing is he hes always had a bit of a thing for me and has claimed hes loved me since we were 18 (even though we'd always just been innocent friends and I’d always told him that’s all I want). This did cause me to back off a bit at first while I was in my last relationship because the bf before that had felt threatened towards the end of the relationship at our growing closeness. But as I grew unhappier at the end of the second relationship we got really close again, we tend to be there for each other when the other needs it most etc.

 

He’s never really got over me but he’s good at hiding it most of the time to keep our

friendship normal (unless hes drunk then it just all comes out!) and I think that’s one reason he hasn’t really been in a long term relationship before. We hang around with a lot of the same people most of whom don’t really approve and get why we are so close without actually going out with each other and it has caused ongoing tensions between our group but hey all adds to the confusion that is my life.

So yeah lets cut to the chase cause this is turning into an essay… it started off as just sweet little cuddles n kisses whilst drunk and I have been accused of leading him on with things like that by my friends when I turn ‘drunk and oblivious’ and hes been accused of always trying it on with me when he gets drunk but we always just blamed it on the booze. But once I’d split up with the bf (who as it happens is also still stupidly obsessed with me but that’s a different problem arrggghhh go away men!) things got friendlier whenever we got drunk and wed just laugh it back off again when sober. Ended up sleeping with him for the first time when both veery drunk at the end of September. We then decided that ok that wasn’t too bad it hasn’t affected our relationship lets just say f*ck it if we end up doing it again who cares we are both single kinda thing so since then yeah it has happened a few more times…… (need to mention got caught in the act by one of my best girl friends a few months ago that was verrry awkward as have been keeping it a secret so people don’t speculate and moan! haha)…

 

Thing is I’ve always been the one saying no to anything more than friendship because despite totally contradicting that by sleeping with him and stuff I can’t actually see us working as a couple in the long term and never have done. But I know that if I turned round tomorrow and said lets go out properly he’d say yes because he loves me and yeah I do love him but I don’t think it’s quite in the way it needs to be and I think I just try to do and say things to make him happy? So it just feels like I’m now just leading him on to further heartbreak even though he says he knows the score and its just a bit of fun? I love everything about him, I hate to see him sad and I love it when hes happy. We text each other everyday and I miss him if we go for more than a few hours without texting or more than a few days without seeing each other. I’ve never been so close and comfortable to any guy and I’m able to tell him anything even things I haven’t told others. He is truly my best friend (yeah I have girl ones too I’m not totally weird or anything).

 

I just don’t know what to do anymore and I can’t talk to my other best friends cause we all hang out together in the same group and they don’t really approve so they don’t know the full story of the whole new going ons... I don’t know whether to back off and hurt the both of us for a while just so he can finally get over me (though I’m not even sure if it’ll work cause it obv didn’t in the past), or whether I do actually love him and just my confused head can’t seem to admit it to itself? I’ve been asked before if I’m just scared of admitting it because I don’t want to lose what we have as a friendship etc if it all went wrong but I know its not that cause I know we are always gonna be friends nothings affected us so far so yeah.

 

Sorry for the loooonnggg read I suspect most of you have dozed off now lol I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced such a close relationship with a friend or anyones views on my very confusing situation and what I should do? What the hell do I dooooo?!? I think about this all the time atm and I’m losing sleep over it. Gaah men!!

[lvrnftr11]

Hello swaymiss! My opinion is that your both adults, and it sounds more like your friends should stop judging you! But let me ask you.Have you actually had an indepth discussion with another close friends about your situation? Talk to a friend whos opinions you trust most, then give it some more time and thought. But make it your decision and not what you think others should have you do. Best of luck!

[swaymiss]

Hey thanks, yeah i'm trying not be influenced by biased views or his own wants etc but my heads such a confused mess on what I actually want myself atm that i've turned to strangers instead hmmmm

[KeepMe]

Personally, I wouldn't make any decisions until you know, and until then I would have a full heart-to-heart conversation with him. Let "him" know how "you" feel, communication is important in every relationship friends or lovers. You can laugh it off and say it's okay, but eventually you have to talk to each other and get each others views on where this train is going. If you guys are really that great of friends it shouldn't be hard having a conversation about something like this. Maybe ask him what he is thinking, dig down really deep into all of his thoughts on this situation and let him know yours. Once you two have a better understanding on exactly what you "both" are thinking about all of this, it will help you make an over all decision with things. Let him know that you don't want to ruin a friendship if things didn't work out in an actual adult relationship, let him know everything you've told us. It's awkward, but I truly feel like that's really the only way you will be able to decide what you want.

Best of luck to you! =)

-Keep

[handsdown]

I totally know how you feel! I was in a similar situation a couple years ago. (well, minus the other friends being judgmental about the situation)

 

I had a very very good friend that I ended up sleeping with after 10 years of friendship. He had a crush on me on and off throughout those years. He was a sweet, charming, charismatic guy and had no trouble attracting many lovely women, and even though I saw that he was awesome, I just could never see us really working in a relationship. When I was single following my last long term relationship, I decided to give it a go and sleep with him. At this point he had moved away, so we made plans and he would come and see me every month or so. I loved spending time with him, but something just didn't click for a relationship. He seemed fine with it not progressing.

 

However, once I got into a new relationship, he seemed to disapprove, told me I should be single longer, that I shouldn't depend on guys to fulfill me etc etc. He pushed me away and we just drifted apart. Even though he never said this (he's not the type) I know he was disappointed on some level.

 

I miss him a lot.

Sooo, moral of the story, your friendship just got a whole lot more complicated. I think in the future I would not 'try out' having sex with a friend, you have to be sure you want to have a relationship first. So 'try out' a relationship with him, not sex.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I broke up with the last bf last September after nearly a year of being on/off and just over 2 years together and tbh am happy being young free and single again.

 

But you are not exactly living the single life. You still wanted the feeling of being in a relationship without having to commit to a relationship. That is why you willingly chose to move your friendship to the sexual level. You knew this guy was interested in you as more than just a friend. Since your last relationship ended you no longer have the perks of having a relationship..someone doting on you, someone to have sex with you. So by doing it this way you can continue the feeling of being in a relationship while still proclaiming your singleness. Problem is, it is not fair to this guy who probably thinks he has a chance with you now that the competition is out of the way and you have willngly welcomed him into your bed. I can see why your friends don't approve...because they see a guy who really likes you, and they see you taking advantage of that now that you have no boyfriend. Yes, he went in there with his eyes open...but he is hoping something more will come of this so he took a chance...problem is he took a chance with someone who had no such idea in her mind and just needed to continue the thrill of having a relationship by being in a pseudo-relationship. Yes, you need to end this sooner rather than later. Unfortunately it might end up ruining the friendship the two of you had built up over the years.

[swaymiss]

Hey thanks for your input guys in reply to KeepMe: yeah we already talk about what we are doing quite a bit but I reckon hes now hiding the fact that he probably secretly wants more to come out of it and im hiding the fact that maybe I do to, just to try not and lead him on further and end up hurting him if i then changed my mind?

handsdown: that sounds pretty similar to my situation but I hope it doesnt end the same way we have stopped having sex etc, only very recently cause I told him its confusing me and he's fine with that atm hes not pushey or anything (another good quality bless him).

Crazyaboutdogs: yeah I do agree with you on some levels but i'm not intentionally using him as like a no strings attatched guy or anything our friendship relationship is stronger than that and we just feel comfortable doing whatever, I just dont quite get how it got a bit messed up in the process. On the friends note they see it both ways but being primarily my best friends I suppose are slightly biased towards me being the good one in this and actually keep telling me to back off cause he's too obsessed etc (perhaps his only main fault - his clouded judgement of me being oh so great and loving me all these years has made him a bit over protective and obsessive when i see other guys).

But yeah still confused will have to pull my hair out a bit more and see how it goes I suppose