No matter what I do, my family still focuses on what I do "wrong"

[NaturalJ]

I am going to college full time. I work part time and support people much like a CNA job, although I'm legally not a CNA and actually do more than one (am allowed to give medications because of the agency I work for). I support mentally handicapped retired individuals which is frustrating at times, but it is just like taking care of children.

 

However, my family (mother, step-father, half-sister) still focuses on what I do wrong in life. For instance, my parents went down town for about 6 hours and I had just gotten off work. They gave me a ride home before they went downtown and 6 hours later my parents got on me for laundry. They were washing laundry and left them wet. I had spilled something on my coat and it required washing immediately. I started a load and had to remove their clothing after drying them. I was busy at the time I moved my mother's laundry out of the dryer so they were not folded. My step-father told me "she folds your laundry without being asked so you should do the same for her". My mom was pissed at me and was yelling (she's a bit over the top in general). This may sound petty and it is, but this really irritated me.

 

You see, this is not the first time this has happened. My step-father never says anything to me unless it is something that I should be doing or he thinks I should have done. He always tells me I'm selfish. My mother does the same. I tell them how they focus on the bad and try to communicate with them, but they still do the same things over and over. I'm not ignoring the fact that yes there is always room for improvement, but they always confront me on every little thing and then I get called selfish or they hint at it.

 

No matter how much I try to communicate to them that they need to award the positive and stop focusing on the negative they still do. When they compliment me, it isn't sincere. They compliment me because I have told them they need to focus on the positive and not just the negative.

 

Am I really that selfish? I am going to school which focuses on a career that helps people in a scientific sense (possible M.D.). I work with people who are 70 years old and have the intelligence of a 3rd grader, but I still do my best to support them. I have tried so hard this past year to help others, but sometimes I don't do what is best in every scenario and I get called out for it.

 

Sorry. This is just a way to vent and was much of a ramble. I try to not be angry as I have had a temper in the past. I know it is not worth getting angry over, but the one thing I cannot tolerate is being told I'm selfish or having people think that. I work my a$$ off for other people, and am devoting my life to it. I just can't believe that I am still being called selfish.

 

I also sincerely apologized to my mother about the laundry.

[Jetta]

Sounds to me like you're giving too much of yourself to others and not able to give to those who are supportive of you and it's harming the relationship. You need to cut back in some area so you can be less selfish at home. Easier said than done I know. I'm living at home with my mother while finishing my degree and she often complains about things like laundry. Well she does it daily and I don't, but then she'll do mine because she's doing it daily and I have adapt to her schedule not other way around. I've been picking up clothing and doing a load or two a day on break and will try to continue with it while classes are in session. It really only takes a few minutes and it shows you care about their feelings as well.

[LookingUp]

Try not to take too much of what happens in situations like that to heart. I had a step-father like that and I learned that most of what my mother said to me after such a conflict was not her real emotions but emotions taken from my step-father. I am always being called selfish by my mother, it's because I am so much like my father, whom she hates.

 

When something like this happens to you, ask your mother if she is taking it out on you personally, or if she is giving you her repressed feelings from her relation ship with your father. Your mother may not even know she has hurt you so much.

 

If none of that works then try to ignore the criticisms they give you and only listen to friends and co workers. No matter what a lot of people say, look into yourself and if you really do feel that you have been selfish on a point, apologize, if you haven't try to figure out why your family believes you are being selfish. Once they tell you and you still don't get it, it is because they don't like what you are saying and want to but the blame and their insecurities on your shoulders not theirs.

[abitbroken]

I really think that while it seems they are unreasonable, make an extra effort to not leave their stuff hanging. Sure, you needed to wash your coat, but would it have ruined it if you spot cleaned it or soaked it because the washer or dryer was occupied, then tossed it in. Most cleaning directions recommend that if the stain is bad. Also, yes, I do think it is a simple courtesy if you take someone's clothes out of the dryer to make room for yours that you should fold them and not just toss them on the table. You needed to wait for your coat to be done anyhow. To you, what you have done does not sound inconsiderate, but it is just something you have to relegate yourself to if you are living in their house. If you had wash going and one of them came down and tossed your stuff out, I am sure you wouldn't be happy if they bunched up your stuff on the table and you then had to iron. I know it is just towels, but when living there, everyone has to help each other out.

 

If you want them to focus on the positive - you may be very smart intellectual wise but you are missing the little things - then give them something to be positive about. Warm their heart by cleaning the kitchen counter without being asked when they dash out the door for work. Make is so they don't see a table cluttered of your study material once you are done. Don't give them things to complain about and things will be more peaceful. They aren't calling you a worthless idiot. They are merely not happy that you dont follow through or take what they were doing and leaving it a mess.

 

I guess I just haven't heard anything that makes me think your parents are abusive or crazy. Its just the growing pains with living with adult kids.

 

I used to have the same attitude with my parents. Before i moved out, I used to tell them "well at least I am not a drug dealer, a teenage pregnant mother, I am not out til 3 am. and I am an honors student" and I felt this justified me in not deserving them to bring stuff up. But parents are going to focus on the little stuff because they want you to do well. They aren't going to give you a pass just because you are in an advanced degree program. They have to live with you too, so be a good roommate while you are there.

 

I live temporarily with my parents and it is like having adult roommates. The dishes don't wash themselves, so to speak. it was weird moving back in my 30s but gave me a different perspective.