phxazmstr Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 My new love and I are communicating about everything possible which is a great start to our relationship however, she has been single and a loner type for 17 years and recently told me all she wanted from me was.... and she pointed to her wedding ring finger so I thought she meant a ring to marry. Now she tells me she just wants an engagement ring only no wedding band and is not sure if she wants to marry. The engagement ring is to show everyone else she is taken and she thinks love is enough and marriage is just a piece of paper. I told her that would be a deal breaker. THOUGHTS?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Pump the brakes for a second ... how long have you been together? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GotMyLifeBack Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 If you meant what you said, then it's a deal breaker. There's nothing wrong with her for not wanting to get married, and there's nothing wrong with you for wanting to get married. These are obviously incompatible desires so if you stay together, one of you will be disappointed. You might consider having a discussion with her and ask her if she's at least open to the possibility of marriage, and if she is, then give this some time and see how things unfold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Wait - how long have you been dating? Are you ready to spend your lives together? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phxazmstr Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 that is what I'm trying to do.. Her exact words were "I don't think I want to get married". How do you interprute that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phxazmstr Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 We are older I'm 55 and she 52 we know exacly what we want for the rest of our lives... but this one stumling block... dating for 2 months... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 I would be highly suspicious of someone who wanted an engagement ring and no marriage for all sorts of reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophie274 Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 It just sounds very odd to me for someone to request an engagement ring "for others" - but then be resistant to getting married because it's "just a piece of paper". If she doesn't need the "show for others" of the marriage seal, then why does she need the ring? It does come off as sort of materialistic to me. Did you ask her why she does not think she wants to get marriage? Is she categorically 100% against it, or just sort of wavering? Has she been married before? For me, this would be a difficult decision if she were on the fence - do you continue to date hoping that she comes around, and that she is just skittish now but will grow accustomed to the idea? what if she doesn't? - but if you know that you want to get married and she absolutely does not, then I think it would be best for you to part ways now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Definitely a deal-breaker for me. In fact, it's huge red flags. She doesn't want to get married, but she wants others to think that she is taken? Seriously, you don't always need a ring on your finger just to let others know. It sounds as though she is more concerned about the opinions of others, rather than your own relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 If all she wants is a ring on her finger, she can go get a nice CZ ring for $20. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mauxly Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Whoa! Did I read that right? 2 months? I don't care how old you are or how much you think you know what you want, 2 months?!? You've barely started dating, you don't even know each other. Talking about marriage at this point is insane. And wanting the engagement ring with no intention to get married is equally rediculous. Buy her a diamond ring, don't call it an engagement ring if you want. Or don't...I don't know...I don't think either of you are thinking straight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phxazmstr Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 She was married twice but used to being single now for 17 yrs. Says the marriages were good but ended badly. I'm giving her time to search her soul for what she truly wants. And its not like I want to get married tomorrow or next month but need to know for down the road. I also plan on asking her a few times later if she says yes to make sure she still feels the same. Thanks all for your input Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phxazmstr Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 Not planning on getting married any time soon... we are not stupid. But if that is an option for both in the future when ever that might be.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 the problem with buying an 'engagement ring' to show the world that she is taken is that people will keep asking her 'when is the wedding?' when she has no intention of marrying again. that's going to make for some awkward conversations, i bet. it doesn't take a ring to be committed. i know couples who have been together for 20+ years and not married, they don't need a ring to broadcast their status to the world. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SayWhen Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Buy her a nice promise ring instead. Maybe a pink sapphire or an amethyst...something that she would like and could wear to show she's comitted to you. Suggest that to her and see what she says. It sounds like she wants a diamond ring to show off...which is obviously the wrong reason! Also, put the breaks on a bit for actually considering marriage. Two months in, you're still in the honeymoon phase. Enjoy just being in a relationship without thinking of making it into a marriage. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 that is what I'm trying to do.. Her exact words were "I don't think I want to get married". How do you interprute that? I would interprete that as she doesn't want to get married. I certainly wouldn't spend thousands on a ring just so other people know she's taken which she can just tell them for free. It's a symbol of a commitment that she's not willing to make. Just my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 We are older I'm 55 and she 52 we know exacly what we want for the rest of our lives... [...] It doesn't sound as though knowing exactly what you want for the rest of your lives has led you to the same place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phxazmstr Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 Would you say that it is a commitment for marriage? when ever that might be... 6 mo 2 yrs when ever.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phxazmstr Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 Well everything else has but this is the one stumbling blockso far... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 It is just plain ridiculous for anyone to ask for an engagement ring after 2 months... for all you know, she'll dump you and sell it for cash. I'd be concerned that she's after money or possessions from you... at 2 months, you should just be having fun and not even thinking about engagement or marriage, since you don't know each other well enough at all to make that decision, whether that is to spend a lot of money on a ring or marry someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phxazmstr Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 no you misunderstood... not right now but at some point.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 no you misunderstood... not right now but at some point.. how can you say that at some point you'll want to marry her? it's too early to make those decisions about her right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 She sounds like a woman who wants a ring on her finger but not the commitment behind it. If that's the case tell her she will get her expensive engagement ring when you get yours. In all seriousness, I would consider this a huge red flag. She doesn't want marriage but wants an engagment ring? Hm.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Well everything else has but this is the one stumbling blockso far... Stumbling block? This is a red flag. You say you would like to get married and she clearly has told you she does not want to get married again. You don't have the same goals in life, so you can either accept her choice and not get married, or find someone else who also wants to get married again just as you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Let's say you do as she wants and get her a nice engagement ring. Then she breaks up with you. What are you left with and what is she left with? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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