I Screwed Up

[einsteins_girl]

So I screwed up yesterday. A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend's father suffered an aortic dissection, which is very serious. He was in the hospital - in the critical care unit - for most of those two weeks. He finally went home on Friday. For the first week, my boyfriend was there with his father (his parents live in another state). Then because my boyfriend had a work trip he couldn't miss, he came back here. The trip was cancelled, however, so my boyfriend talked with me and asked which days would work for him to go back down for a few days. After talking, we decided on Wednesday through Saturday. In other words, he would come back Saturday, which was yesterday.

 

However, when Saturday came around, we were talking on the phone, and I asked what time he was leaving to come back up. He said he wasn't coming back up until Sunday evening. Based on a history of him asking for my opinion and then disregarding it, I was very frustrated and disappointed by this, and I had a hard time hiding it. I told him that it was frustrating that he asked me what days would work, and we agreed on days, and then he changed it. (Because of the nature of his job, I don't see him very often as it is.) He got angry and said I wasn't being supportive of him being with his father after he almost died. I thought that was a little unfair. I have been supportive, of course, but I expect people to abide by their word. Plus, the only reason he was staying the extra day was to "help move furniture."

 

The call did not end well, and I didn't hear from him the rest of the day. As the day went on, I could see his perspective more and more. While still frustrated about his constant changing of our agreed-upon plans, I felt bad that he didn't think I was being supportive. So late last night, I sent him a text message, apologizing. I would have called but it was late, and I didn't want to wake him. (Text messages don't usually wake him.)

 

Well, it's now almost 11am, and I haven't heard from him. I called once, and he didn't answer. I called a 2nd time a half hour later, and he still didn't answer, so I left a brief message, asking him to call. I suspect he's ignoring me.

 

Ugh. This is frustrating. I know I was wrong, but I don't feel like he was completely right either, and I'm somewhat sure he's going to break up with me over this. Our relationship has been on shaky ground forever (we've been together 5 years), and I often feel like he's waiting for an excuse to end things. I'm worried he's going to use this, but I don't know what else to do other than to apologize. I apologized for being selfish and for seeming unsupportive. I told him I've been working on being less selfish, but I don't always succeed, unfortunately. I don't know what else to do. -sigh-

[sophie274]

I think he should have let you know sooner that he had decided to stay an extra day - but broadly I agree that your behavior was selfish and that you should have cut him some slack given the circumstances. In his shoes I would have been upset at you as well, I think.

 

However, sounds like you've done what you can - sending the message apologizing and then trying to reach him several times to apologize over the phone. I think now you just have to wait for him to call you back (and by the way I think ignoring someone is childish and rude - if that's what he is doing). I don't know what all the problems in your relationship are, but if you feel that you are trying hard and doing your best, and either that your best is not enough or that he is just waiting for an excuse to break up with you, then perhaps it would be for the best if you went your separate ways. It can't be very enjoyable to be in a relationship where you feel that any small argument or misstep could be the final straw, or to constantly feel like you are on shaky ground.

[catfeeder]

Please don't keep calling. I know it's a reaction to your anxiety, but it will come off as hounding him. He's under stress. His family needs him right now. They probably need to reconfigure things for his Dad's recovery time, and that wasn't something BF or anyone else likely considered until it became apparent.

 

You've sent an apology, and it was probably appreciated. It's possible and reasonable to forgive someone but still need to avoid them for a while. Leave this be, and BF will contact you when he feels more up to it. If he breaks things off, then stay calm and let him off the hook easily--this will surprise him and allow him to go cool off and reconsider such a rash decision while under stress. If you crank up the volume by trying to 'win' him back right now, you could toast yourself for good. I wouldn't do that. Less is more.

[einsteins_girl]

He called me back, and we had a discussion that, again, did not go well. I apologized again, and he said he can understand my perspective, but he feels like I try to monopolize his time. I don't think that's a fair assessment. His job means he is gone about 14-16 days a month. Then, when he is home (even before his father became ill), he spends at least 5 of those days, if not more, at his parents' place in another state. The remaining days he spends at my place, but they are always weekdays, which means I'm at work for the majority of those days. So, really, I see him pretty much never. However, he views the time he spends at my place when I'm not there as time spent with me, which is crazy, in my opinion. Plus, when I am there, 90% of his conversation consists of comments about how he misses his parents' place and wishes he were there. How is that supposed to make me feel?

 

I said that I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this. When he's here, I'm at work. I can't change that. I told him that most people have significant others that they see every day after work and on weekends! All I'm asking for is a few evenings, and if possible, one weekend day. It doesn't seem like so much. So then he said, "Maybe you should go find one of those significant others." Nice, right? That comment really made me feel like he wants to be with me, since he's so quick to encourage me to look elsewhere.

 

So then he told me that he's staying an extra day and won't be back until Monday. Now, this time, I know it has nothing to do with his father because he told me when we talked yesterday that he would be able to take care of everything and be back on Sunday. Now, it's Monday, which really just means he's avoiding me.

 

I think he just doesn't care about me and has no interest in seeing me in general. That's why he's always gone. And I know... I know I should end things, but I just can't do it because I love him, and I keep thinking if we could work out this one issue, things would be fine. But given that he won't compromise, it seems the only way to work it out is for me to move to his hometown. But I am hesitant to do that when things are so shaky already. Ugh. So he ended the conversation by saying he'd talk to me later, and I said, "Really? Will you call me later?" He said, "Yes," and we hung up.

 

I effing hate this.

[Staryu]

How bout you call his house phone or his parents and tell him before he can say anything ''baby, I'm awfully sorry for everything I put you through (that way you apologize for everything he might feel that you did wrong, so not specifically for what you think you did wrong) I love you and I miss you so much that I made a giant chocolate cake with your name on it. Without you I clearly have no life going on and to much time going to waste. Let me know when you can come and umnumnumnum it.

 

Sounds really silly, but believe me guys LOVE cake.

Now back to the kitchen, kk ^^

[catfeeder]

I would stop picking NOW to negotiate your time with him. If my BF did that while I was with my family on Dad's return from the hospital after a heart attack, I'd shut him down and stop being kind, too.

 

Your battles are valid, your timing is not.

[capilot]

Holy cats, his father is in the hospital with serious heart problems and could be dying, and you're giving him grief about petty nonsense? You're dangerously close to getting dumped and you don't even know it. I speak from experience here.*

 

Staryu speaks truth. listen to Staryu. Except, I'd even go further and say send a card, rather than a phone call.

 

(*When my mother died, my girlfriend at the time was incredibly selfish and thought only of herself. It ended our relationship. Later, I got a sympathy card from her mother and my first thought it was because she felt sorry for me that I was stuck dating her daughter.)

[imoutfront]

Yes, it's crazy that he considers time spent alone in your place while you work is time together. That makes NO sense. Based on what you wrote, I'd say he's done with this relationship. He just doesn't have the guts to break up with you. Now, I agree that you were wrong for initially arguing with him over something like this while he was at the hospital for his Dad. Bad, bad timing. But you realized this, and apologized. I would leave him alone now while he's away. Give him time with his family. And take the opportunity to reevaluate your relationship in your own mind. You shouldn't have to feel like you're always on shaky ground, and that anytime you say or do the wrong thing, that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. When he comes home, give him a little bit more time to decompress. Then have a conversation with him. Tell him all of your concerns. If he doesn't understand, or doesn't want to hear it, then you have your answer.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah, I think he's done with the relationship too. If I were you, I would start preparing myself for it to end.