BF betrayed me for the second time while tryin to gain back my trust,what to do?

[iamanne]

This is what happened. Me & my Bf were on LDR and I caught him cheating. I met him twice in Singapore when he was still working together but now he already moved back to Mississippi. To make the story short, we broke up last June 2010. I totally did not communicate with him but his brother and I became close after we broke up. 2months after, he found out about this and literally came back to me, begging and crying. He said he will change, that he cheated on me coz he got scared when he felt that he's in love with. Which I find really absurd and unacceptable.. He courted me again and so I gave him another chance thinking that he really changed. I admit I've been very mean to him, part of me wanted to test him until when he'd stay faithful to me. Last Thursday, I realized its about time I stop digging into what had happened to us before and just learn to trust him again so I sent him flowers to signify that I am ready now. I called his son's number and I never knew that I will get the shock of my life. A woman answered my call, it was his ex wife. She said he's been staying there since June 2010 and that my ex (i will explain later how he became my ex now) told her that we've broken up last year. I said that's a lie and then I asked her why she's there, she said they don't sleep together she stays there so she can be with her kids and all. I wrote my ex's email and told her about this and she said it's not true. The ex wife lives in shop in my ex bf's yard because he couldnt stand her. That it wasn't his idea that she lives there and he hated her guts. That they will never be a couple again ever. I dunno who to believe anymore but the fact that I was deceived because all along I thought she doesn't go there anymore really hurts me so bad. My BF and I talk all the time when he's at home. He works in the rig and he works 2 weeks straight and 2 weeks off. I watch him and the kids have dinner, do stuff, etc. I tried calling him but he won't answer his phone anymore.

 

My BF and I had access to each other's accounts then all of a sudden he changed his default profile on FB and even his pwd has been changed. I waited for more stuff that he will do and all of a sudden, he changed his status to SINGLE. Obviously, we did not break up, and just like the first time we broke up, I only found out that I am back to being single through FB, when he set his status to SIngle again and I never tried to call him ever again. But now he did it again.

 

I wrote him an email telling him I am deeply sorry for being mean to him the whole time he was proving me that he is trustworthy. But again. how could someone betray me for 6 mos and not let me know that the ex-wife has been hanging around in his house when he's at work?! I told him that when he proposed to me in September, I asked for a formal proposal so we planned on him to come here to Malaysia this February (I am working here on a 1 yr contract but I live in the Philippines) to formally propose and of course I'm looking forward to that. But I saw that he's not doing anything at all, no flight bookings whatsoever. That explains why I've always felt that he just stringed me on, that he just used the proposal to hurt me even more because he knows for a fact that I wanted to be his wife. I keep telling him that and that's what usually starts the fights that we had. And then when I asked him if he really is coming over next month, he said he wasnt able to find someone who can replace him at work while he's away which I think is ridiculous if only he had started asking them early on coz we've been talking about it since Sept/October 2010.It was all just words to him, empty promises. This isnt the first time he did that, made me look forward to being with him again but when the date is too close, he'd give me an alibi and even make me feel I'm so bad because I don't understand his reasons.

 

I am not gonna tell anymore how he treated me before he first broke up with me because y'all for sure will tell me to just move on and never give a flying f*ck to this guy. I love him. I dunno what else to do. I know it's stupid to just sit here and wait til he comes back again. I wanna know if I should change my passwords so he won't be able to check on me anymore, if changing my passwords will make him wonder what I'm up to. I wasn't able to go to work for 2 days and have been in bed sick because of this thing. I lost my appetite, I couldn't do anything and I know this isn't healthy anymore and I realized I just had to post this and find strength in knowing that I am not alone. BTW, exbf is a father of 4 kids, the last is not his and was the reason why he and his ex wife had a divorce because he found out 2 yrs after the youngest was born, that she's someone else's daughter. But then again, that gives him no reason to cheat on me or treat me the way his ex wife did him. His sister emailed me and told me not to believe any of what the ex wife told me coz its a lie, she just goes there whenever my exbf is not around to watch the kids but they dont hang out, they dont sleep in the same bed. I never replied because the fact still remains, he was trying to gain my trust again but he managed to betray me one more time. I know his bills were too huge because of the calls he's been making when we were still together, him trying to win back my trust, now his phone bill reached $2939.00 just in 2 months but still I dont think that is enough proof that he loves me, phone bill is nothing compared to the fact that he lied to me again. How can I ever trust his words again when he's like this?

 

Should I leave all my accounts open for him to access or change all my passwords so he'd wonder what happened to me after the childish facebook breakup that he did to me? should I answer my phone in case he calls me again? Please, I need an answer. I want to move on and get over this pain. I am away from home and that kills me even more coz I don't have any support system here.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

QUOTE]Should I leave all my accounts open for him to access or change all my passwords so he'd wonder what happened to me after the childish facebook breakup that he did to me? should I answer my phone in case he calls me again? Please, I need an answer. I want to move on and get over this pain. I am away from home and that kills me even more coz I don't have any support system here.

 

Although you have been rude to him, that doesn't excuse the fact that he didn't tell you about the setup he had with his ex wife, even if she was just living on his property. Also the fact that he breaks up with you by setting his FB to single shows that he is a coward. I think you should change your passwords, not so he can wonder what you are doing, but so that he simply doesn't have access to your information. I am not a big proponent of sharing passwords anyway, even in the most harmonious of relationships. He he calls you again, answer the call but make it clear to him that he violated your trust yet again and that you can't accept being treated like that.

[iamanne]

thanks for your reply. i wish he will have the decency to at least call me and put a closure to our relationship coz i know i deserve more than an fb breakup. i dunno anymore if you call this love or stupidity, i survived cheating, a miscarriage, the lies and yet i stick it out with him. not too many girls would want a relationship with a guy who's got 4 kids but ive learned to love his kids as well and treated them as my own.. i just wish i can get over the hurt soon. i do know his passwords but i'm trying hard not to snoop anymore.. this is starting to affect my health as well..

[Janeiac]

Forget this guy. Nothing but trouble and heartache lies ahead if you pursue a reltionship with him. Change your all your passwords, and delete and block him from all your accounts: Facebook, MSN, Yahoo, AIM, Myspace, whatever. Don't pick up the phone if you see it's his number calling you.

And I'll see you over on the no contact challenge thread-- I'm on Day 4 and I feel pretty good!

[iamanne]

an update: After sending him an SMS last January 25 telling him "make this the last day you'd see a message coming from me and I'll make this the last day I that I know you", he replied: "I do love you and i never betrayed and cheated on you especially not with my ex. You just took things and went overboard with them".. what the!!!! so it's as if the whole thing is my fault huh.. absof*ckinglutely crazy and he doesnt call it betrayal or cheating, now that's really funny.. i didn't reply anymore.. and never attempted to contact him since then. it's been 12 days since we last talked and i must admit, i feel a lot better not being able to talk to him though i miss him, part of me tells me to just leave it at that. he didn't have the courage to give me proper closure but i realized that there's no need for one anyways, the betrayal happened the whole time he was trying to win back my trust, i let him do this to me when we were first together, i gave him another chance to prove himself but he's an epic failure and he betrayed me once again. i still feel lonely but honestly, with all the fights that we had because of that proposal that he said he will do, just hearing his voice ruins my day, it stresses me out real bad and it's not healthy anymore..

[Starrgrl]

^ good on you!

And I realised that too, that keeping my ex in my life was weighing me down and was the cause of all my distress. Now I feel so much lighter and freer =)

[iamanne]

same here, my days are a lot better and less stressful when he stopped calling me..he's in the rig right now and will be back on the 9th. i dunno if he's gonna call but i hope he won't... or well if he does, i just wont answer my phone..

[iamanne]

I went on NC the whole time he was in the rig. He came back 2 weeks ago. February 14, I asked that he give me a sign, white roses. He never did sent me white roses. So I went on and texted him: Hey I know I was kinda acting crazy but after I smsed u this morn, I agree that we should split up and its probably the best thing that both of us can do.

 

After ignoring my sms and calls when I found out about his ex wife staying in his property, he finally texted me 8hrs after i sent that sms telling him i'm fine with the split up. I don't wanna read into any of his words, but he usually tells me this:

 

if i dont want you, i wouldn't be calling you

i love you

i dont wanna jump into the same thing again, the doubts, the fights

i miss our happy times together

 

etc....

 

since he started calling last Feb 15, he waits on skype until i wake up and he said he just wanted to talk, he calls me every morning and we talk about the same thing over and over again. I wanted him to get things straight and I dunno what is so hard to understand when I asked "what do you want? Do you want me back or not?"

 

then I decided last night, to cut all forms of communication again. We didn't talk because I saw what his brother posted on their common friend's wall, accusing me of stuff I never did, like hacking into my exbf's account when he knows for a fact i didnt need to hack into his account because we share passwords.. he's brother talks too much when I never talked to him ever again after my exbf and i reconciled the first time and I hate it so much that he can't email me and tell me if he's got a problem with me and he just keeps yapping like a gay on FB. I got so angry when my exbf added a common friend of theirs yesterday that was apparently deleted from his FB and his brother commented on that friend's wall : *** friends according to him are being deleted from time to time from his account and we hope its not a nut case.

 

That really made my blood boil. This brother of his has been sending me spams, he also thought that I hacked into his account which is for me is totally crazy and BS. I have been telling my exbf to tell his brother Ive been getting spam mails. I dunno what the hell is going on in this guy's head that he's thinking I also hacked into his account or maybe he's just trying to get some attention. I texted my exbf and asked him to tell his brother to go get a life and leave me alone because I don't care about his accounts and I emailed their friend to inform him that I got 40+ spams from his yahoo and he might not be aware of it. His brother replied to a wall post on one of their friends whose FB has been compromised with this "I had to change my passwords too because I think she hacked into my account as well" is F*&cking crazy he tried to turn the tables against me when all I did was to let him know that he might have been hacked because my exbf and I have been getting spams from him. He just won't stop messing with me and I guess he could not accept the fact that no matter how much he hated me because I stayed away from him when he said he was falling for me, he couldnt stop his brother from calling me, trying to fix our relationship. I'd like to think he's being bitter because his brother loves me too much and even if we've gone through so much, we still try to make things work while he on the other hand have always been dumped.

 

This morning I got an sms from my ex telling me : I hated the distance between us.

 

We're on LDR. When he was assigned in singapore, i went to singapore 2x to be with him. When we first reconciled last year, he already knows what he should do about the distance because I told i'm not gonna fly to US and be with him, it's about time he makes the move, either he propose and we get married in the Philippines or he files a petition for me so I can be with him in the states. Do i still need to tell him what to do? Obviously, none of what he said he will do happened when we reconciled. He didn't proposed even if he said he will, he didn't came to PH to see me, he didn't file a petition and all he did was wait for USCIS to send him infos when everything is online and all he's gotta do is read.

 

I am tired of telling him what to do and I decided to ignore his sms. Besides, I find it crazy that he's telling me that when he broke up with me and didn't even ask me back. he always tell me, if i dont want you back, i wont be calling you. and I always tell him "I don't wanna assume, if you want me back, court me, pursue me, ask me, i don't take hints and I cannot read your mind"

 

What should I tell him? I will wait if he calls again tonight. he knows I was so angry yesterday, I guess that was the reason why he didn't call last night because he knows i'm still very very angry at what his brother has been doing. Well the least I expect from him is to call his brother's attention and ask him to shut his big mouth up and get a life and leave me alone.

 

Please help!!!!!!!