johnm3 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 summary: LDR gf of 2.5 years broke up with me about 10 weeks ago (before which she was emotionally torturing me by ignoring me and acting distant while I was trying to understand what was going on) because she 'missed that initial spark you get from meeting someone new' (at the time she was seeing someone new, who tried to use her and quit when he failed) and she can't get that with me anymore (despite me treating her amazingly, better than anyone ever has in her own words)... also she said our relationship was 'too safe' and she felt too secure because she knew i would 'never end it'... but basically, she wants to experience other guys ( i was really her first real relationship ) she desperately wanted to be friends and i told her i did not want to be friends and she needs to experience life / i wished her luck and told her she had my love... after she read that she sent me a couple trivial texts and caught me on skype and had a short convo.. and she sent me an email last month about some other trivial crap that she forgot the info to something, I told her i didn't know, she said "okay thank you". i know this was an excuse to talk to me I've been doing well and I know she's surprised by my strength (I've always been too forgiving to her, but shes never done anything this bad) so I assume she feels the weight of her decision now... I never once asked to work it out or anything, just went NC except for me telling her I didn't want to be friends and giving limited responses to her questions. she sent me a text asking if I knew anything about some religion issue shes studying in school, because she was going to fail if she didn't write a paper about it by that night... I expressed minor concern, but ultimately did not help her. AND TONIGHT (after 1.5 months nc): got this email from the ex: "John...Can I talk to you? =/ If you don't have my number its *********... Call or txt if you want..I would really appreciate it. I really want to talk to u. Ex" So I called like 3 hours after she sent it, without thinking, at all, about the consequences of this decision. I was very upbeat and happy, never brought up the relationship... I did ask if she got the diploma I sent her for xmas and she was almost crying because she didn't know it was from me and it was so thoughtful (it was anonymous), whatever. She said she thought I hated her - I said I didn't hate her, just know that she needs to experience life -- I told her about all the things I've been up to, my plans for the future, all that stuff, and it was good stuff so I'm sure she's slightly impressed at the least. I NEVER brought up the relationship or even the slightest inkling that I cared about the breakup. I asked her how she's doing, her grandparents, brother, etc, and was enthusiastic about all this news. I asked if she's seeing anyone and she said nah, just random dates (but friends tell me she's always online, so idk). I was very satisfied with the convo up until the last 5 minutes when she said arguably the dumbest thing she's ever said to me: "So, guess what I'm doing now?" "What?" "It starts with a B" "Bowling." "No, it's not a sport - it's a pill" "Birth Control." "Yep." I became angry at this point - rightfully so - I said I don't want to hear about that and told her that she shouldn't contact me if she wants to share this bull * * * * information. Then she became very quiet (always does this when she gets defensive or sad) and I said "I don't want to hear about you losing your virginity to guys who don't give a * * * * about you" and then she said that it's not for sex, but for period cramps. Who knows if that's true... but still, she knows the conclusion any logical person would reach after hearing that, and she still thought it was an acceptable thing to say. EGREGIOUS!!!!! Anyway, for the rest of the call she was very quiet, I was absolutely stunned that she shared that bit of info with me, and now the images of her having sex with some random guys is filling my head - not too painful, but enough to get frustrated, and they will be painful later. I don't know why I didn't wait to call - talk to family about it - or ask you guys here on ENA - I guess I just wanted to talk to her and I wanted her to hear me doing very well on my own. Now, why did she do this? She knows 100% I don't want to be friends - I hope I didn't give her any hope for the friends situation from this interaction. I'm so pissed she told me about birth control - What the * * * * , seriously, what purpose could that possibly serve? I was getting the feeling that she wants me back, but I know this is completely pointless - I don't want to go through what I did again, and it would never feel the same as it did before she betrayed me. Even her voice wasn't making me melt, I guess this is due to my progress through NC... her voice was actually making me sort of annoyed, actually. So all in all, it wasn't a terrible experience, just very hurt by her thinking it was okay to tell me something which she knows would be interpreted as "I'm having sex with other guys" despite her excuse that its not being used for sex. Do you think I should have been less enthusiastic? I didn't want to sound angry or sad. I ended the phone convo, saying she sounds upset and I'm gonna let her go, but I could tell she didn't want to get off the phone. also, she said she didn't recognize my area code when I called, so that means she deleted me from her phone whenever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MasterPo Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Ouch. Well sometimes you just gotta make a decision and you did, sorry you did not hear what you wanted to. If you had contacted ENA I think you know what we would have said and I think you knew that too. It was a good read and thank you for sharing your experience. I was toying with the idea of contacting my EX just for whatever reason, now I will not. Pick up the pieces and chalk it up to hard earned experience. There are better things and people out there for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnm3 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 definitely don't initiate contact with your ex -- the only reason I called is because she seemed pretty desperate or eager to talk to me on the email -- if she would have said like "hey how are u?" or something, I would have upheld NC... but the momentum of her email carried through to the call. I think I handled it well, just wish she kept that bit of info to herself... I've been reading that birth control can be used for period cramps, but I'm gonna assume the latter because she didn't make it a point to include that when she first told me... first she got defensive/quiet, then I said "I don't want to hear about you losing your virginity to guys who don't give a * * * * about you" then she said it's for cramps... sounds like bull * * * * , but in anycase, I'm definitely not looking forward to contact again... maybe it's just adrenaline, but this experience has made me look at her in a much dimmer light. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I could be wrong but i don't think she said it because she was planning on having sex with anyone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nihongo Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 When I was reading your post, I was very impressed how you handled things leading up to the phone call. I don't blame you for acting that way when she told you about the birth control. It was inappropriate and she sounded too casual about it. I would've acted the same way. I guess from here I'd tell her again that you are going your own way so she can experience life and not keep in touch. But contact you if/when she's "experienced" life. Btw, I did have a GF who took birth control primarily for cramps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4dogs Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 In my opinion do not ever speak to your ex unless she is offering to get back together if that is what you wants. If you dont want to be friends, do not talk to her under any circumstance. If you see her, be polite, but dont go out of your way. It seems like she is playing with you and she wants you to be the guy friend that is there for her to talk to. If you dont want to do that, dont converse with her. You handled this well. Good job my man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nihongo Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I agree with 4dogs. She wants you to be that guy in her back pocket just in case she doesn't like the "real" life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsMeeoow Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Regardless - she broke up with up you and you left her to her own space and this is how she makes contact??? I'm sorry but this is RED FLAG inappropriate. She is looking for an excuse to get you talking to her again - show you care - making you angry and jealous at the same time. OK if she is taking the bc pills for cramps why in the world does she need to talk about it with you - a guy??? I personally would have told her I had better things to do and that I needed to get going. Wow - I'm just blown away by the subject matter after not having contact for that period of time post break up. Sorry. This girl is completely immature and is latching onto you for attention only. Keep moving forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
22n32 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Hey bro.. u took the higher road and u were mature with the convo.. who knows why she told u that.. one can assume its to get u jelous that she is taking the steps to become sexual active, and im sure she wanted attention from u, she wanted u too miss her and start chasing her again.. and maybe she thought by having sex u would chase her.. either way it was very inapropitate and red flag and best not to be involved with someone like that.. good luck hopefully it made things easier for the long run i know it did with meeting my ex last night.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnm3 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 thanks for your responses everyone well, I know it's weird, but she would always tell me about her problems down south when we were going out -- I guess cause I'm gonna be in medicine she felt more comfortable telling me, not sure. but yeah, I really needed other peoples perspectives to confirm that she made an absolutely absurd statement -- who knows the underlying reasons, but I'm pretty sure it's to incite some jealousy within me, or show that she's moving on... but if starting to take birth control is her idea of moving on, then she has a lot of work to do to herself. she knows I don't want to be friends, I'm never gonna initiate contact... the phone call ended with both of us being upset that she brought that up thanks again for taking the time and giving your opinions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnm3 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 she just texted me "I can't believe you made that for me. you have no idea how much that means to me." is there any reason I should respond Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Live-N-Learn Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Do not respond brother....You know you shouldn't. There is nothing to say. Just know she is thinking about you and obviously is not that upset with you or she would not have sent this. However, she did not call to reconcile so what's the point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thekid55 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 You have handled this entire situation the wrong way. Most of us told you months ago that the diploma idea was very, very stupid. You aren't her personal artist and she didn't pay for you it. She dumped you and you do this nice thing for her? It's so pathetic. She basically lost attraction for you and you doing 'nice' things for her won't make her feel attracted again. It will just make her think that she has you in her back pocket. She's clearly trying to push your buttons with the birth control stuff and you let her do it by getting emotional. If my ex told me she was taking BC, I'd simply say, 'Well, that's cool. Good luck in the future' and hang up. That leaves her wondering. By getting all 'emotional', you showed her that you still care. As long as she knows that you still care this much about her, she'll never want you back. If you want to have any sort of a chance with her in the future, ignore her and start dating new people casually. She'll get the hint eventually that you are moving on and she's no longer a priority in your life. The more you ignore her, the more desperate she'll get to talk to you. This will bug her big time. By that point, you won't want her back anymore. Oh and she felt like you'd never leave her awhile you in the relationship? That's your biggest problem right there. Sounds like you settled for less than what you deserve. The more often you do that, the more often you'll be single. You gotta stand up for yourself here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnm3 Posted January 22, 2011 Author Share Posted January 22, 2011 You have handled this entire situation the wrong way. Most of us told you months ago that the diploma idea was very, very stupid. You aren't her personal artist and she didn't pay for you it. She dumped you and you do this nice thing for her? It's so pathetic. the main reason I sent it, is to avoid the 'what-ifs' after-the-fact, for myself. and to perhaps leave a more permanent mark of me in her mind, being that of positivity. I don't see how it's pathetic, it didn't cost any money, it was a career-oriented gift -- not a romantic gift --, I didn't look for recognition from sending it, it was anonymous, it was for christmas, it's clear I didn't use that to sway her back into wanting to be with me and most importantly, there was an understandable reason for sending it -- that being her telling me she's going to fail school -- I don't think apathy would have been the best way to respond to that -- instead, a subtle, motivational and under-deserved gift. back when I was contemplating sending it, I saw this as taking the high road, and even though it may be the furthest thing from it, I won't lose sleep over it -- I don't think I did anything terribly wrong. She basically lost attraction for you and you doing 'nice' things for her won't make her feel attracted again. It will just make her think that she has you in her back pocket. I know doing nice things won't make them feel attracted again, but frankly, if I was to make one mistake, I'd want the diploma to be it. if it sent a needy, desperate message, oh well - in time she'll know the opposite is true - I didn't call or text her asking if she liked it, I didn't come accross as needy or desperate one time during the breakup. I don't see how it can be looked at as anything but doing something overly generous for someone who you used to be close to. I don't regret sending it, if I had to do it all over again, I'd send it again, to avoid the wonderment which would follow. I sent it, it turned out to be a negative-to-neutral experience, and I learned from it and knew not to ever ever reach out to her again. of the many dynamics that went into sending that diploma, an important one was closure. she didn't thank me for it, I assumed this meant she wanted to move on and not have me in her life anymore, this was solid closure for me, as hurtful as it was. She's clearly trying to push your buttons with the birth control stuff and you let her do it by getting emotional. If my ex told me she was taking BC, I'd simply say, 'Well, that's cool. Good luck in the future' and hang up. That leaves her wondering. By getting all 'emotional', you showed her that you still care. As long as she knows that you still care this much about her, she'll never want you back. I did not want her thinking I wanted to even remotely hear about her sex life. She needed to know telling me that was way out of bounds, and furthermore my reaction could have either have been very appropriate or entirely inappropriate based on the underlying reason she told me that (it's possible she told me that to incite some attraction toward her - in which case, she failed miserably) -- that will never be known, perhaps not even to her, so there's no sense over-analyzing my response. Also, I wasn't 'emotional', I was calm, controlled and direct in telling her I didn't want to hear about that -- seriously, who would? that's disgusting. I didn't give off any flags of jealousy, and whatever intention she had when telling me that clearly didn't go her way and that's why she shut down after me telling her not to tell me about that. One of the reasons she lost attraction to me is me not defending myself, so my response also showcased the fact I actually have respect for myself now. If you want to have any sort of a chance with her in the future, ignore her and start dating new people casually. She'll get the hint eventually that you are moving on and she's no longer a priority in your life. The more you ignore her, the more desperate she'll get to talk to you. This will bug her big time. By that point, you won't want her back anymore. I really find me repulsed by this girl now... I do plan on ignoring, but as far as getting her back, I've been trying to think of something positive that would come out of that and thus far I'm completely blank. I'm in a heavy course-load at the moment and it will only get heavier as the semesters go on, and I never want to deal with this again. Oh and she felt like you'd never leave her awhile you in the relationship? That's your biggest problem right there. Sounds like you settled for less than what you deserve. The more often you do that, the more often you'll be single. yeah no argument here - I was definitely too stable - not very exciting, just went to school, gym and work - never got mad at her, was always forgiving, treated her like a queen everyday. now I know to put myself first. I really appreciate your views but I feel some are taken entirely out of context Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnm3 Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 my sisters and mom tell me they think she brought up birth control to make me interested again -- it's really the only thing that makes sense, because she said she didn't have a boyfriend, so her telling me about bc would make her look like a * * * * , and she definitely wouldn't be comfortable with me thinking shes a * * * * . so apparently sending the diploma didn't cause her to lose too much attraction; granted there's not another reason she brought it up in her distorted little mind. in any case, nothing changes the fact that it was extremely weird of her to bring it up, and this girl has a lot of growing up to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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