preciousgirl82 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Just wondering what qualities are most important when choosing a husband? As i get closer to making plans for the future with my fiance I am excited because I love hm so much but im getting the typical jitters, wondering if im making the right decision or not. Sometimes i fear my biggest complaints about him are very superficial. Ive listed below the main reasons why I want to to marry him and the factors that make me a little doubtful about us making it. Id appreciate any insight into whether or not im marrying him for the right reasons. Thanks! Why I Want to marry him: He respects me I love him I love talking to him Similar interests.. I love being around him Same religion/church Same aspirations Likes animals and children like I do Master’s Degree Cooks Independent Handsome I trust him Giving lover Loyal My best friend Treats me like a princess Respectful to my parents, as well as his own Good Heart No Vices (doesnt drink, smoke etc) A giver...expects nothng in return! My Doubts: Families opinion/reaction to my engagement His overbearing parents Should try to find African American guy before going into interracial marriage (he's Puerto Rican)?? His height (im 5'8, he's almost 5'7..not drastic i know) Not as attracted to him as I used to be Cant rely on him bc of disorganization/forgetfulness/lateness (ADD symptoms) Poor social skills (may never fit in with family) Families very different A lil too emotional at times Look bad in pics together A little quirky at times Not into style as much as I am Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SongCoyote Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Note: everything below comes from my personal biases and opinions, which are based on my own experiences and worldviews. Your mileage may vary; take what you want and leave the rest. All is offered in the spirit of compassion and friendly advice, and no attack or disrespect is intended. Hmm... well, it certainly sounds like there's a lot more good than bad, and you're never going to find someone perfect (no matter what the movies try to tell you). Most of your doubts are not directly related to his suitability as a partner; there are only a few that are of real concern in my view. Poor social skills / ADD stuff: how you react to these, including how you treat him and behave around hi, are the real concerns. Compassion and patience, coupled perhaps with some research or even counseling on dealing with friends and partners who have ADD (which often comes with poor social skills as an added bonus) could make all the difference. And frankly, of the list you made, this and the next one (below) seem to be the only significant worries. This one will require some work and open-mindedness on your part, but is reasonably easy to deal with. As for not being as attracted to him as you used to be... can you figure out why? Are you just accustomed to him now, and don't get that "spicy" feel that new relationships give? Or do some of this habits, mannerisms, or even his ADD just plain turn you off? If the latter you may have a real concern, but if it's more about the spice then you may not have much of a problem. You are considering marriage, which is a stress in itself; if there are other stressors in your life they could certainly be affecting your libido. This is something that you should think seriously about, though as I've implied it may be a phase. I've gone through similar phases during my 15-year marriage, but we're still at it. As to the rest, in my personal lexicon they are ultimately unimportant. That's not to say they're not significant to you, as only you can decide what will have true impact; I'm just offering an outside opinion. Overbearing and different families can be avoided or can take their opinions and shove 'em, specific racial connections are others' expectations projected onto you, emotionalism is both a boon and an annoyance at times, but better (as I see it) than a stone-faced rock, and the style/pics thing is all frippery of appearance. Now, you may have a very different feeling about the families' reactions and such, and if so then by all means give it due consideration. But I feel that your relationship is for you and him, not them. After all that, my basic opinion (based solely on your lists, as of course I've never seen you two interact) is that this man is truly excellent marriage material. The personal quirks you mention can be understood and worked with, and the benefits of being with someone who truly cares about you and the happiness you can create together are immense. So it really comes down to this: what do you really want? Are you doubtful because you're nervous about this huge change in your life (perfectly understandable!) or is it because you truly doubt that you can be good to each other for the next few decades? Do you think "This man will make a great first husband" or do you smile in anticipation of sharing the rest of your lives? The answers to those questions will set you on the right path. Take your time, don't be hard on yourself for having doubts, and remember to be compassionate about yourself and him. I wish you well and hope that everything works out however is best for you both. Light and laughter, SongCoyote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I have to say that I think your doubts list is either too much influenced by the opinion of other people or is somewhat shallow. Would "looks bad in pictures together" be so important as to deserve inclusion in that list? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 To me I didn't consider myself officially engaged without a wedding date (or at least knowing which month if not the exact date) so I'm a little confused what being engaged means to you since you think that you should look harder for an African American guy. I liked what our marriage offiiciant asked us when we met before he performed the ceremony- he said he knew we would answer "Yes" to "do you love each other" but what he thought was more important was "do you like to hang out together". (yes!). The treat like a princess part used to be an "of course" to me before I was married- we're now married 2 years and parents of a young child. I don't particularly want or need to be treated like a princess except perhaps on my birthday or after a root canal like today. I want to be treated like a partner -with respect, caring, compassion. He did treat me more like a princess when we were dating because we were long distance, had no children, didn't live together -there were more opportunities to do romantic things. We hug and kiss every day-and often at night he gets me something to drink so I don't have to get out of my comfy chair which is so very sweet -so the romantic/sweet things are not quite at princess level but that makes it more real and more mature to me. Really important is that you have fun together- especially with private/inside jokes and that you're able to laugh at yourself and with each other. Especially if you can't go out as much as you once did because of kids/finances/whatever it's important that you enjoy hanging out together and that it's fun. Your doubt "look bad in pic together" concerns me -if that makes your list of "doubts about marriage" I would have to wonder a bit if you're ready to sweat the small stuff and the larger stuff for the common good. Was that meant as a joke? Did you mean you were concerned about wedding pictures? Maybe focus more on planning your marriage than planning your wedding reception? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anonymous122 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I think the only legitimate concern on your doubts list is... Cant rely on him bc of disorganization/forgetfulness/lateness Everything else is kind of superficial and/or, like DN said, obviously motivated by your desire to preserve your image for other people. Really, based on the list of good things, you can always throw him back into the sea and look for another fish, but you might never find a guy with that many positive qualities. You'll never find someone who is completely perfect, so if thats what you're looking for, I'd reconsider that expectation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 The only thing worth addressing is "can't rely on him bc of disorginization..." Everything else is either out of his control (his race, parents, height) or outside forces affecting the relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Although you say you love him I think it is fairly clear that you don't love him enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shuttlefish Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Why I Want to marry him: He respects me I love him I love talking to him Similar interests.. I love being around him Same religion/church Same aspirations Likes animals and children like I do Master’s Degree Cooks Independent Handsome I trust him Giving lover Loyal My best friend Treats me like a princess Respectful to my parents, as well as his own Good Heart No Vices (doesnt drink, smoke etc) A giver...expects nothng in return! There are alot of women out there who would KILL for a guy who has even 1/4 of these attributes!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I think it'd be interesting to see you make a list like this but instead of for him, making it for yourself and your qualities as a potential wife. I'm not married, so what do I know right, but I'm also not divorced or living in a crappy relationship (which I think is a bonus). But I know that if I were to consider marrying someone, I know half the equation is myself (the trickier part, really lol). Doing a list for yourself might give you some new insight on some of what you have listed as his negatives; a lot of those are a matter of context. I mean, some of the things you listed as negatives for you, others would not see as a problem at all or even a positive. The disorganization is the only exception. And all of us do have our flaws. Also it'd be neat to see what positives and negatives you feel you are bringing into this relationship. And I gotta ask; why did him not being African American end up on the negative list for you? That seemed really weird. It's not like you couldn't tell from the first date he is the ethnicity he is. So why put that on there now, after being a relationship with him? Is that cold feet talking or an actual issue to do with where he comes from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
preciousgirl82 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 Many of you mentioned that the things on my "Doubts" list was a little weird or superficial. Thats exactly what i felt down in my gut which is why im still with him. I AM basing a lot of it on the opinions of others and in that sense i need to mature myself. I know that he could probably write a similar list about me too. Im not perfect. He is a great guy though and i gotta stop worrying about what others (especially my parents think so much). We have a great time together and he is a great fiance. Everything a woman would dream of. I realize that a lot of things, particularly related to his ADD will come down to how well I address him and help him through it. I already started taking measures to improve on myself to make this work. Thanks for everyones responses. This was an eye-opener and I know if i dont stop worrying about these superficial things some other woman will get him and luck out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
preciousgirl82 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 As for not being as attracted to him as you used to be... can you figure out why? He gained a little weight in his face since we first started dating but im mature enough to know that we arent even 30 years old yet (he'll be 30 this year). This is just the beginning of physical changes and as we get older, neither of us will look like we did when we were younger. So im focused more on I guess how his lack of initiation, occassional disorganization and inability to remember certain things has made him seem less manly in my eyes. I think its more that than physical appearance. Sometimes the slight height difference bothers me too when i wear heels but im trying not to be shallow about such things. I just want a big protector. With his "average" height and mild personality I feel like im more of the dominant figure and its unattractive at times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
preciousgirl82 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 Although you say you love him I think it is fairly clear that you don't love him enough. I love him to death but I knwo what you're saying. Its as if i dont love him unconditionally. I probably need to look in the mirror and imagine how Id feel if I knew he was hesitating about marrying me because i wasnt "perfect". I know I need to loosen up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I love him to death but I knwo what you're saying. Its as if i dont love him unconditionally. I probably need to look in the mirror and imagine how Id feel if I knew he was hesitating about marrying me because i wasnt "perfect". I know I need to loosen up. That's a good revelation to make. No one is perfect and we all have our faults, so you have to find someone who's faults you can live with. The list of why you loved him is a very good list and many women would love to find a man like that. As someone else mentioned before, take a good look at yourself too and see what you bring to the relationship. It's easier to nit pick someone else, but harder to take a good look at ourselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I would stop "trying" and do it -meaning, the next time you feel turned off when you wear heels and he is not taller than you, you make the choice right then to distract yourself with another thought -whether it's about him or whether to have roastbeef or turkey for lunch. If it's a bigger issue for you -no pun intended- meaning a sign of something deeper that's wrong here- i.e. you are not attracted enough to him for your comfort level - then address that issue not the heels issue. It's fine to want a big protector but it's a big problem to think that a big protector needs to be a certain height or weight. As far as physical changes- I am 44. I have always been slim but am in far better shape than I ever was in the last 20 years even though I've been regularly working out and eating reasonably well since I was a teenager. My husband has put on some weight in the last few years -I only care if it affects his health which is an unknown right now. I would not have married him -or gotten engaged- if part of my decision had to do with needing him to look a certain way for me to be attracted to him. I did care that he takes care of himself -and I am pretty sure he'd say the same about me - and so, no I don't think it's inevitable that aging means weight gain but I do think having a healthy lifestyle and those sorts of values are important and often don't change with age (unless there is a real health scare). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
preciousgirl82 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 why did him not being African American end up on the negative list for you? That seemed really weird. It's not like you couldn't tell from the first date he is the ethnicity he is. So why put that on there now, after being a relationship with him? Is that cold feet talking or an actual issue to do with where he comes from? Ive known him over half my life and we have been dating for 9 years. I have absolutely no problem with him not being African American like i am. In fact, up until recently, we never mentioned our cultural differences because it never mattered to us. In fact, im very attracted to Puerto Rican guys so its actually a bonus for me!! I know that my dad wishes i would marry within my race and when i found that out my fiance and I finally spoke on the issue. We admitted that it'd be "easier" if we married within our own race because it'd be easier to blend families etc. That made me question how important this factor is when you marry someone. One key thing my fiance said though was "Just because something is easier doesnt mean its the best thing". I know that by even considering this a problem its because im tempted to take the easy way out...something i used to have a big habit of doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
preciousgirl82 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 That's a good revelation to make. No one is perfect and we all have our faults, so you have to find someone who's faults you can live with. The list of why you loved him is a very good list and many women would love to find a man like that. As someone else mentioned before, take a good look at yourself too and see what you bring to the relationship. It's easier to nit pick someone else, but harder to take a good look at ourselves. Ive already started looking into myself and ive learned so much. I even had a talk with him this afternoon and told him that im going to change a lot. He's such a sweetie that his response was "And what can I do to be a better man for you?" I know i have a good man on my hands and ill die alone if i wait until i meet a perfect Prince Charming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidehop Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Well he sounds like a great guy for you, don't ruin it over small problems. A lot of things you mentioned can be adjusted, made more aware and there will always be family issues. He's not perfect and no one else is Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I made a list before I met my bf. I wanted a man who met all of the criteria. I found him, he didn't meet all of the criteria, but 99% of it. I knew what I needed and I got it. If a guy doesn't meet all of you needs (and looking good in photos is not one of them) then go for it. If he doesn't, think twice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circe Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I know that my dad wishes i would marry within my race and when i found that out my fiance and I finally spoke on the issue. We admitted that it'd be "easier" if we married within our own race because it'd be easier to blend families etc. That made me question how important this factor is when you marry someone. One key thing my fiance said though was "Just because something is easier doesnt mean its the best thing". I know that by even considering this a problem its because im tempted to take the easy way out...something i used to have a big habit of doing. Honestly, it's only as difficult as the personalities involved make it. If your families are open to each other then its not difficult at all. I'm in a mixed race marriage and know others in them too and blending families is not hard when everyone wants to be friendly and learn about each other. It can actually make for a much more fun process because there's so much to learn. For instance, my parents are going overseas for a wedding - and they have decided to make a stop off at where my H's uncles and aunts live, because they hit it off so well when they met (in this country) a year ago.. and they (the uncles and aunts) invited my parents to drop round if they were ever around (in the other country). And now everyone seems quite excited about this get together. And they aren't even our in-laws - they are his uncles and aunts and my parents! And our parents always got along really well. They may not have the closeness that would come from say, sharing the same native language or culture or group of friends (which is what would have happened if I'd married within my parents' culture) but that can also have a plus side. So I wouldnt worry about that. I know when I was having cold feet something DN said really helped me - which was to imagine what life would be like without him. That does put things into perspective and help you stop taking things for granted. Re: the height diff and not looking good in photos - I'm not a facebook hater - I actually think its a really good thing that people are more open about their lives on there and I think it does promote staying and feeling connected with others. BUT - one negative thing about it is that it promotes the view that unless you look good visually to others, you aren't "right". And it also causes people to be overly critical about what looks good in the first place. If you two are in love - that should always look good - to you. And that's what counts. I'm sure you know this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
preciousgirl82 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Re: the height diff and not looking good in photos - I'm not a facebook hater - I actually think its a really good thing that people are more open about their lives on there and I think it does promote staying and feeling connected with others. BUT - one negative thing about it is that it promotes the view that unless you look good visually to others, you aren't "right". And it also causes people to be overly critical about what looks good in the first place. If you two are in love - that should always look good - to you. And that's what counts. I'm sure you know this. Gotta agree with you there. I wish things could be so easy with our family issues. My fiances parents are very lighthearted and friendly and I know they would try to get along with my family. My family, on the other hand, are very critical. They make good face and are polite but my mom and brother expecially are like snobs and quietly put people down who are less educated, more "ghetto", or just who act different from how theyd like them to. Sometimes i feel like im an adopted child because i am definitely not like that. Im way more accepting and open-minded. But in the end I know its my life and, when i get married, theyll be off living their own lives the way THEY WANT TO. I have to do the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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