faithx Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 i have not talked to my boyfriend in a week (i initiated this by ignoring his last texts to me, because i knew i couldn't continue on but i wasn't sure what to say or do yet). but i decided i am going to move on. i am going to send him this and then cut off all contact. the last time we talked a week ago he literally threw the most hurtful of names and insults at me. which he has done a lot. and for the first time in 2 years i snapped and did it back. and then i felt disgusted with myself and left. he has since then apologized and put some blame on me, and then started text messaging me random photos like nothing had happened. this happens all the time and finally after 2 years this is just it for me. but like i said... i want him to know all of these things. i will admit that, in the very back of my mind i feel like if he knows all these problems he will get help, and eventually be a changed man. i know thats optimistic though. anyways, i was enabling all of these horrible things for so long and it was wrong of me. i should have walked out the first time he exhibited that behavior. he has no reason to change unless he truly realizes how destructive these traits are... etc. anyways, heres the letter. let me know what u guys think.... if i should add anything.. or if something i wrote is just wrong to say.. or something. thanks. BTW if you'd like a bit of history on our relationship feel free to browse my previous posts! LETTER: i'm going to get to the point… i want you to know why i can't talk to you. these are my problems with our relationship. unfortunately, they are extremely serious. feel free to read them or not. 1. feeling constantly criticized and put down. for everything from my job, to school, to my appearance, to forgetting to turn a light off, to making a silly sound, to having any encounter whatsoever with a member of the opposite sex, to hanging out with my friends. essentially, to me, it seemed everything i did was unacceptable. and restrictions would be made. and anger. and spiteful comments. i cut off many people from my life and essentially became a hermit and even became very quiet in front of you, just so a fight wouldn't erupt, but that's not healthy at all. and people in relationships need to not only feel free to be themselves but also feel supported in all ways. 2. jealousy/ control issues. i saw some of these traits from day one and was convinced when you got to know me and see i am loyal and etc that these things would go away. they got worse. a lot worse. this is actually probably the biggest problem i had in our relationship. and they are the cause of almost everything i already wrote about in #1. jealousy and control comes from a very deep seeded insecure attachment style issue caused by really early childhood experiences, that takes a lot of insight and therapy to fix. 3. emotional/verbal attacks and abuse. i've never, ever in my life had someone say such deeply hurtful and offensive things and names to me. constantly for over 2 years. until i snapped back. which made me feel even sicker with myself and everything. i don't think i need to say nor do i want to say more about this. all other problems-- starting fights out of thin air when drinking or when out, the blame game, possible transference, manipulation, ignoring and withdrawal as manipulation, withdrawal as a means of communication and dealing with issues, the constant cloud of suspicion making me question your own loyalty, my emotional abuse resentment turned physical, accusations, projection, leaving me at places for no reason… are all a result of essentially the jealousy/control/insecurity issues. NO- i am not perfect. at all. and never will be. i am sure you have your own list of things. and as you've noticed, i have my own set of insecurity issues. the key is trying your best to not let it affect your partner. those issues are my own problem. it makes me sick to think about ruining someone else's self esteem because of my own issue. and now, i will be extra cautious. because i've seen how insecurity can ruin a beautiful thing. and it's just sad. i loved you grant. very much. but people can only change for themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faithx Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 btw in case anyone is wondering why i don't just say this in person-- this is how he communicates. he doesn't listen in person or over the phone or gets extremely volatile, prefers texts and emails over talking and calling.. i had expressed my interest in better communication as well but of course nothing ever got better in that area. so this is basically the only way of communicating at this point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faithx Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 LAST THING TO ADD: weve broken up a few times because of these same issues, mostly he would go insane and push me away and i would start to move on and then he would come back with some valiant attempt saying he will change but that i couldnt move on because he needed me to go to therapy with him to help him change.. and that if i dont come back he wont go to therapy but that he was willing to do anything blah blah.. so obviously he needs to make this change for himself and can only do that if i dont go back promising to hold his hand thru the promised "change" like last time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
delphi88 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 This sounds like a good letter to me. From what you've said, he's emotionally abusive, and no one should stay with someone like that. You're right that he has to change himself. You being there will not make it easier, it will only prolong this damaging relationship while you could be getting on with your life. Don't take any of his emotional blackmail, which might well follow after getting this letter. You know the right thing to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Growl1971 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Wow...can't believe you put up with that for 2 years! Get movin! Drop the rock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyNinja Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I think you made a good choice in writing a letter. It provides a means to get EVERYTHING off your chest without interruption and you are able to articulate and really put down how you feel. I've done this before and it yielded fine results. I think the letter is good and it gets straight to the point. I also can't believe you put up with this for 2 years! You must have a lot of patience. Good for you for moving on and realizing that this guy was a parasite to you. I'm sure you have learned a great deal from this relationship and I wish you the best in moving forward and finding the right person. Until we meet again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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