Laura Lee Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 My boyfriend David (age 31) and I (age 28) have been dating for 3 1/2 years. I've carried a lot of baggage from my previous relationship (elopment, divorce all within a year and half) so David and I decided to take it slow this time around. The past 6 months have been unbelieveably amazing. We've grown deeply in love with each other and even though there are small disagreements here and there, the relationship has been incredibly strong. Additionally, both of our families get along with each other amazingly. I am ready to take the next step (engagement, marriage) but he is not. He tells me that he loves me, that I am the one, and that he wants to spend his life with me. However, he is at a point in his life where he wants to focus on his career and wants to get further education (Masters/PhD). I am satisfied with my career at the moment and I have my post graduate degree. Although I am career-focused, I am in the point of my life where I want to get married, and eventually have a family in the next few years. David, on the other hand, wants to be with me but doesn't feel like he has enough to offer for my hand in marriage. He wants to get his education and get to a point in his career where he is confident he can take care of me for the rest of our lives. He also doesn't know when this will be, he says it could be in a year or 2 years or... Basically, he wants to be able to pay for the wedding, to take care of me, and set in his career. I am not totally satisfied with that answer. I feel like since we're completely in love and support each other and we're not 20 years old (not getting any younger!), what is wrong with taking the next step? We are completely committeed to each other. I don't want to give him an ultimatium...I don't think that is fair. I also don't want to have to move with him, follow him, with a blurry vision of when he'll actually want to marry me. I mean, I know I COULD, but it would be very hard for me. I also have a ton of pressure from my family. They wouldn't understand why we haven't gotten married after 3, 4 years. Also, David eventually wants to have kids. I do too, but I definitely think I'll be ready in a couple years, whereas he probably not for another 5-6 years. Anyway, If I could get advice on this, that would be incredibly useful. If you have any suggestions on what I should say or do, I would be very grateful. Thanks!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidehop Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I think he's being very honest and realistic about the situation; if the relationship is strong, maybe you should give him that chance? From what you described he's not lazy, putting things off nor he's ignoring the situation. Marriage can always wait. It's very possible that he really wants this lifetime opportunity to be one of the best, not rushed or unplanned. I understand the family pressure can be tough but the reality is you two are happy & that's what matters the most right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Let the man finish school! That is the right thing to do if you really love him. If it is a solid relationship, you can marry when you BOTH are ready. Pressuring him will get you nothing but alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sherryberrypie Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 What I have learned is that many men really need to feel like they would be able to support a family. It doesn't matter that the woman works and makes enough for the both of them... it always seems to come back to the the whole "man of the house" ideal. The best thing you can do for him and for your relationship is to support him while he finishes school, and afterwards you will both marry feeling completely ready and secure in your future together... knowing that you're educated, employable, etc... it's about so much more than love and an awesome relationship. My bf and I have been together almost 5 years now, own a house together, completely in love, but he is not ready yet because we are still living paycheque to paycheque until I finish school. It's definitely frustrating at times, but you just have to remember to set goals outside of marriage and family and use these years to better yourself and really become someone that your future kids will admire and want to emulate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 It comes down to what is more important -getting married and starting a family in the next two years (estimate - one year from now till the wedding, one year to have a child, etc) or waiting at least 3 additional years (with no promises from him as to when). If he is the one you want and you are willing to forego marriage and take more risks as far as a family(meaning, the risks increase after age 35) then that's your answer. I think your decision to take things slow is partly the reason he's not ready- he relied on your wanting to take things slow and is still in that mindset- and might be taken off guard by the sudden shift. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guynextdoor Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 He's committed to you, he wants to be financially sound and ready for marriage and starting a family with you. Now tell me what is he doing wrong??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 You got two choices.... wait or walk. I mean... what can you do about it? His mind is on enhancing his education and that is difficult to balance when you're married. You both are not on the same pages here. You want marriage now and he wants it later or when he feels ready. Don't pressure him at all and decide for yourself if you can wait for him. Otherwise, move on. This is a discussion you need to have with him. You need to decide whether this guy wants to stay seriously committed to you after college. It is beyond inappropriate to get your family involved. They have no business making these comments, period. That is between you and boyfriend. Don't let them pressure you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Assume you walk away. Then what. Then you have to take the time to get over him, meet someone else, fall in love, make a strong relationship, get married and then have children. How long do you think that process (which has no guarantees) might take? Longer or shorter than waiting until David is ready? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Lee Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 By the way I am 28...not sure why the smiley face is there in my previous post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strader18 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Assume you walk away. Then what. Then you have to take the time to get over him, meet someone else, fall in love, make a strong relationship, get married and then have children. How long do you think that process (which has no guarantees) might take? Longer or shorter than waiting until David is ready? Well pu DN. Reflect on this and you should be able to figure it all out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jd1983 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 He sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders. If you have a good relationship, then I don't see a problem with waiting. Would you rather him tell you when he is ready or pressure him into it? If you know that he is truly the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, then what's a few more years? Perhaps, it's even sooner than you think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Marley Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 His answers are so vague, though, that I wonder if he is actually conflicted about whether he wants to marry you at all. He should also consider your needs about starting a family, since it's different for women. We don't have all the time in the world to wait around. As Batya pointed out, if you don't want to get pregnant after age 35 due to the risks as well as possibly having a more difficult time conceiving, you two may not ever be on the same page. Just some things to consider. You really should talk to him, though. I, too, would be hesitant to make a lot of sacrifices for someone (like moving) when he is extremely vague and can't even give you a timeline, just maybes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I think you should probably get a doctor's opinion on this, but I think that you need to talk to your boyfriend about the potential risks of waiting 5-6 years to get married and start a family. There are plenty of people who get married when one or both are in graduate school (and I have several friends who were pregnant in grad school and male friends whose wives gave birth while they were in grad school) and a wedding does not have to be an expensive thing. That said, his priority right now is his education and building his wealth and he has a right to have that as a priority over getting married and having kids. What you need to do is really figure out if there is a middle ground where you can connect, especially taking into consideration the risks of waiting to have children. It's unfair, but a man can continue to safely father children well beyond the period that a woman and it is a reality that you both need to acknowledge and really consider in deciding how to move forward. I think it makes sense to talk through all of your options, fears, concerns that you may have about waiting to have children as well as about waiting to get married and it might be wise to involve a doctor in the discussion about children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Good point but unless she gets her hormone levels checked, etc it is hard to tell a woman's individual risks of waiting to try to conceive (even if she gets tested, still lots of speculation). The answers to the general questions about declining fertility don't really require a doctor's visit -there are lots of medical/authoritative books/web sites to answer that question. I do agree with DN though that since she waited 3-4 years to get to this point of being concerned, ending things now and trying to meet someone new could result in the same or even longer wait. OP if it helps we started trying when I was close to 41, before we married, it took around 6 months-a year to get pregnant without outside help and I had a complication free pregnancy and healthy baby. Starting out as newlyweds and new parents wasn't the easiest but so far so good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 I take your point but should a man be pressured, more or less against his will, into marrying and having children because a doctor says it might be morre difficult? We are constantly told that some women want to wait until their thirties or later to have children and that it is safe and that men should not pressure women into having children earler than they want to for health reasons - it seems a little contradictory to stand this on its head when she is the one to want children earlier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lady00 Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 I take your point but should a man be pressured, more or less against his will, into marrying and having children because a doctor says it might be morre difficult? We are constantly told that some women want to wait until their thirties or later to have children and that it is safe and that men should not pressure women into having children earler than they want to for health reasons - it seems a little contradictory to stand this on its head when she is the one to want children earlier. I don't think he should be pressured into doing something he doesn't want to do. But he has expressed that he wants children and I think it would be a shame if they waited unnecessarily long and were not able to. If he learns more about all of the risks involved (and maybe he already has and this is a moot point) he might change his mind about the time frame. I just think--and I hate to generalize based on gender, so I will say based on many many of my male friends and acquaintances with whom I've spoken to about this issue, none of them are concerned at all about the risks a woman may face by having children later in life. I think this might be because they are thinking primarily about their own other goals and plans and assume that they can wait many years, do all the things they want to do during that time, and their partner will still be able to have a child at that point without any difficulty. Whenever I express concern about how long it might take me to find a partner and have kids, I hear a chorus of my male friends telling me that it's not something I should be concerned about and I'll be able to have children with no problem--it just seems like the risks involved are not on their minds at all. But I think it makes sense to be very concerned about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Any time a male does say he wants to marry and have kids but his girlfriend wants to wait there is a chorus of "she will be fine, you should not pressure her" and women who say they had children later in life with no problems so I am not surprised many men believe it. There is indeed evidence that there are higher risks involved - I have posted such evidence myself in the past but was immediately shot down for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkly Eyes Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 I take your point but should a man be pressured, more or less against his will, into marrying and having children because a doctor says it might be morre difficult? We are constantly told that some women want to wait until their thirties or later to have children and that it is safe and that men should not pressure women into having children earler than they want to for health reasons - it seems a little contradictory to stand this on its head when she is the one to want children earlier. DN, what you say rarely happens, a man pressuring his partner to have kids. I think the opposite of it is what happens often. I think people shouldn't pressure their partners to have kids, no matter what their gender is, but they can ask for compromise and they can leave if their wish isn't granted. OP, up to you. But as others pointed out, it takes longer to meet someone new and build a family, so it makes sense to wait. However, it's good to ask for a more specific timeline. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 You have a good man - stand by him as he stands by you, and all good things will come. At least, I hope they do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 DN, what you say rarely happens, a man pressuring his partner to have kids. I think the opposite of it is what happens often. I think people shouldn't pressure their partners to have kids, no matter what their gender is, but they can ask for compromise and they can leave if their wish isn't granted. Perhaps you should spend more time reading threads on here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparkly Eyes Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Perhaps you should spend more time reading threads on here. I do actually and that's why I said it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Well, I have seen quite a few threads over the years I have been on here on the subject and know of a couple of people in 'real life' to whom it applies. It does seem somewhat dismissive by you of men's concerns as if their opinion somehow doesn't count or should be (and is) ignored. Just because you personally may not have come accross men saying these things it doesn't mean they don't exist. I agree that no one should be pressured into having children and that it is important to talk about what one wants early - but no one has a preemptive right to be more concerned that anyone else. Children should be something that both people want at a mutually agreed time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 I take your point but should a man be pressured, more or less against his will, into marrying and having children because a doctor says it might be morre difficult? We are constantly told that some women want to wait until their thirties or later to have children and that it is safe and that men should not pressure women into having children earler than they want to for health reasons - it seems a little contradictory to stand this on its head when she is the one to want children earlier. I tend to agree with you (and I was one of the "geriatric pregnancies" but I waited because I wanted to meet the right guy, not for any other reason) but if this woman has particular issues that a doctor can diagnose then it's not harmful for the couple to have that information and if it causes the SO to reevaluate timing then who's to say that's pressure (I mean, the man) -- in general I think both people have to be flexible and speed things up if something happens where waiting would be harmful to the family/mother/child. I also think that it's foolish at any age to refrain from sharing your goals -general and specific about children and doing so as soon as things get serious or potentially serious. I understand some people don't know what they want as far as kids till later but then share that too so everyone is on the same page and if possible, prevent the "oops I'm pushing 35" conversation for those couples who meet before that age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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