In a very hurting situation

[letmyselfdown]

Hello - I am new to the forums and I am feeling very very low and hurting. Mine is a little long story. An ex-coworker(49) and I (33) knew each other for 1 year. We are very good friends, shared everything. I even knew who he liked as he would tell me everything. He has been married for the last 25 years but not in a fullfilling marriage. A month ago, he approached me that he is interested in me and instantly I developed feelings for him. We played around with the idea of getting involved sexually without being romantically involved. He is undeniably physically attractive and treated me like a queen. We were dying to be in bed with each other. But we became closer emotionally and would chat for hours online and talk on the phone. He lives in another state and visits on business where I live. We have common friends from work but no body knows. This past Monday, we ended up having sex, he totally enjoyed it like it was a never before experience. The sex was wild but not romantic. But as soon as the sex was over, I could immediately feel he was different. He is a perfectionist who literally takes care of his body and believes in being where as I have an okay body, I am thin and have some scars/stretch marks on my body. I left that night at 1 am. But the next day I did not hear from him until 3 pm . He was chatting with me casually without any mention of last night. I would feel he was different. I was near his office and asked he would meet with me. He immediately came to meet with me. He was totally cool and was talking about everything. We were at a lounge. he was so high in spirits, ordered his dinner to eat and didnt even care if I ate. He said he was so tired and exhausted because of lack of sleep for the last few days. We were talking and he said he wanted to see me happy. When I told him what we had was just sex, he said it wasnt just sex. After 2 hours, we were talking he left. He knew I was not feeling okay but I did not tell him anything. He would ussually hold my hands but he did not hold my hands and just before he left kissed me on my lips.

 

I am so messed up and feeling very very bad and as though I have been used and manipulated. I need a closure. I want to know what was that one night for him and where I stand. Did he find my body ugly ? I am not expecting him to be romantically involved with him or for him to leave his wife but I need his friendship, respect and care. I am not even thinking of having sex with him again but I need my friend back. I feel like I screwed up , lost my dignity and pride. I cant think, eat or sleep. I cannot even focus at work that I had to take the day off.

 

I immediately came back that night and changed my phone number, shutdown my facebok account, linked in account, shutdown my email account because I felt so hurt, I did not want him to ever reach to me.

 

BTW, this is my first ever casual sex. I have only been in one long term relationship and this is just the second man that I have slept with so it was not easy for me to easily to do this and I feel like I have lost my integrity.

 

I am feeling so low and lost, feeling empty and as though I will never ever recover from this. How can I recover from this ?

[PaintWithLight]

Welcome to the forums and I am sorry you are feeling down. The first step is to take a breath and understand that what has happened were the best decisions you could make at the time. No one is 100% perfect. Nothing is to be gained by beating yourself up about your regrets.

 

You have every right to stop contact with him but what has he done that is so unforgivable? It seems like you are disappointed that you had "casual sex" and now jumping to the other end of the spectrum. You met someone, developed interest and then acted on that interest. There has been no loss of integrity. He was a married man and you accepted that fact. It is not uncommon for both individuals to be a little confused after their first sexual encounter. You can't sleep, eat or work... You need to calm down. You are a 30 year old woman who has become romantically involved with an older married man. You can see him again or not, it is your choice.

 

You may ultimately regard this as a mistake but you can learn and move forward in life. One misstep does not mean all is lost. You are still a person of value.

 

Is there a differing cultural foundation underneath your reaction? It seems like you have a very strong moral code that does not allow for flexibility or mistakes. You have also had sheltered involvement with men, so this has been a powerful event for you, which does not automatically make it a bad thing. Why are you leaping to such a strong reaction now, after the fact?