Hurting85 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Has anyone else ever felt like they needed to run away or escape? All I can think about lately is going to my parents' for a week or so and I hate thinking it. It makes me feel like my marriage is failing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Everybody wants to escape now and then. Maybe you just need a few days away....how would your partner feel if you took some time off by yourself for a bit? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hurting85 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 He'd want to know why. He knows something is up, just not what. Well, he thinks he knows what, and I guess he's got a small portion of it right, but the major part... It's awful, and I'm not sure I can tell him. I didn't cheat or anything like that, but it's awful just the same. And there'd be no point in telling him because it would be my problem to fix, and he'd be completely faultless. Which isn't entirely untrue, I guess. The bottom line is that I love him, I really do, but it's gotten to the point where I can't stand him, I'm not sure I even like him anymore, and I do NOT want to be around him. My biggest fear with leaving though- I'm not so sure I'd come back home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Well, in order to work your relationship out in a healthy way, you'll have to tell him what's going on regardless of whose fault it is or how awful it is. It must be frustrating to be in his shoes and know something is wrong and only have a half a clue about it. That would make me really sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hurting85 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 But when I tell him I don't like who he is? That he frustrates me with his childish imagination, that it aggravates me to no end that he can't just do what he's supposed to for work and is taking the easy way out, that he's not the kind of person I wanted to spend my life with? What about then? That will destroy him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Yes, that would destroy him because it's a complete character assassination. Talk about YOU. "I feel sad because we don't have the same connection we used to" versus "you're a child". Don't start anything with "you"...Start with "I" (and not like, "I think you're a child"...ha ha) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hurting85 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 Well that definitely defeats the purpose. lol The thing that really gets me though, is that he hasn't really changed. It just seems like I grew up and he didn't bother keeping up with me. Although, that's not 100% true, because I had these thoughts from the get-go but was blinded by other things enough that I could push them to the back of my mind. I mean, the man woke me up the other morning with a kiss on the forehead and a fresh steaming cup of coffee sitting on the nightstand. What's not to love? But he has these moments where I just want to scream in frustration. Like, when he said he wanted to design a house for us to live in. Sounds great, right? Aside from the fact that he wanted it to look like a freakin' dragon. Yep. He wants to live in a dragon. I could just pull my hair out. And sometimes I don't know whether to take him serious or not, so I ask, and he's like, yeah, I'm completely serious, I was going to be famous for it. And it's all I can do to not laugh in his face. I know it's mean and it's just awful of me, but I mean, c'mon. Whenever he starts talking that way all I can think about is that line from Wedding Crashers- Grow up Peter Pan. And then we're starting to have issues again with his old friend, who I've posted about before. I had a dream the other night that I walked in on them going at it. A couple days later, I felt like something fishy was going on, so I followed him outside only to find him on the phone with the guy. It just rubs me wrong and raises all sorts of red flags, but it's *my* problem and he won't hardly even talk about it. That almost makes it worse, you know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thejigsup Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 You can say "I am having trouble dealing with some of the things that are going on in our marriage." "I feel that between the two of us, we are losing our connection. What do you think we can do together to work on this?" If he gets attitude when you put it this way, you have a big problem and some time apart may be just what you need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hurting85 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 That went very south, very fast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 If you knew this from.the get go, why did you marry him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hurting85 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 I guess I thought he'd grow up. Or maybe because we took things so fast I was still so head over heels that it overpowered the annoying things? Or they were endearing somehow? I don't know... He's shirking responsibilities, and now we're going to have no income soon, whenever that is, because he can't just tough it out and do what he signed up to do. He grasps that there are things I don't like, but he just stonewalls me. Insists that it's perfectly normal to live in a dragon. That he'll always be that way and maybe I need someone to replace him so I can have that "normal" that I need... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
letmyselfdown Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 everyone needs a little time off. take your break and sort your thought/feelings. you need to do it for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 It sounds like the two of you changed (as we all do) but you did it seperatly. You have to let him know how you feel. I think some space might help and give you perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I guess I thought he'd grow up. Or maybe because we took things so fast I was still so head over heels that it overpowered the annoying things? Or they were endearing somehow? I don't know... He's shirking responsibilities, and now we're going to have no income soon, whenever that is, because he can't just tough it out and do what he signed up to do. He grasps that there are things I don't like, but he just stonewalls me. Insists that it's perfectly normal to live in a dragon. That he'll always be that way and maybe I need someone to replace him so I can have that "normal" that I need... How fast did you get married? I think you need to have a talk with him, but use certain strategies as to not make him defensive. Make sure to always use "I" statements(I feel like we are losing the connection we had...). Also try to use the "sandwich" effect, where you start off with something positive that you like about your marriage, then go into what the problem(s) is, and then back to something positive. If you only blame him, things will go down hill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hurting85 Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 We got married about seven months after we met. I am beyond frustrated with him today. I've been sick all weekend with a cold, it's only getting worse, and he just called from work to say we had plans tonight at an upscale restaurant. Beyond my being sick, we *really* can't afford that. And he said it was "just because". I know it's a sweet gesture, but my god, hello! I'm sick! He punched the door during our "discussion" the other day and I feel like I've lost all respect for him and the for me for not walking out when I said if he said he wanted to hit me just once more I'd walk out. His response- "that attitude is what makes me want to slap you". I just can't get past that and feel like whatever shreds of emotions I had left before that conversation are gone. If we weren't married, I'd walk. I'm not even sure I still love him. How much do I owe it to my marriage to try to get past that night? (Counseling is all but out of the question. He hardly opens up to me and says he wouldn't speak a word to a stranger.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 It is never okay to try to stay with someone who admits to wanting to hit you. Next time, he could. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hurting85 Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 That's exactly my thought process. And he kind of refused to apologize for it. He did a couple days later, but for it to take that long?! I'm just a little peeved about it still. Honestly, it's not the first time he's said it, and both times it was when I brought up how his relationship with his friend bothers me. (I've made threads about it, if you're interested.) And more honestly-ness, that just further adds to how much their friendship rubs me the wrong way that he's willing to get THAT defensive. I just have no respect for him for losing his cool like that, and no respect for me for not walking out the door after I said I would. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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