Npharris Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Hey everyone. I've been reading the threads on here for the past couple days, and it seems like you all have good advice... so here's my problem. I am a 20 year old male and I was home-schooled since the second grade. No, my parents weren't the terrible, creepy kind that lock their children away from the world - we were encouraged to take part in sports or be in clubs etc to meet kids our age. But I had no constant exposure to the relationships and drama of junior high and high school to give me some understanding of how to act in romantic situations. I am a junior in college now. Women seem to find me pretty attractive, but I have had only two 'girlfriends' in my entire life (you can only really count one of them - I never even kissed the other one.), and with both, I was not the instigator of the relationship, but rather they sort of roped me in and led the way. I am sure that the only reason those relationships even happened was because of that aspect of their personality - these were two very hot girls who made a game out of getting any guy they wanted. When I finally kissed the one I did, It was because she was the one to go in for it. I would not consider myself a shy person at all, but I have a great amount of difficulty with exuding the confidence that women find so attractive when I am interested in a girl. I think that this is because showing interest in a girl is not a situation with which I am well acquainted at all. I am never sure if I am being to forward/too reserved and I am always scared it will become awkward and I will come accross as a loser. As soon as this thought enters my head, of course, I freeze up and can't think of anything to say to keep the conversation moving, or I say something really stupid. So it fizzles and dies. And this cycle is self-perpetuating because now it has happened enough times that I expect it. Let me be clear though - I am completely comfortable around women. More than half of my friends are women. It is only in the context of me being attracted to them (Or even them being attracted to me. I know, what the hell right?) that I loose my confidence. I can't keep going through life like this. I desperately want a girlfriend but I realize that I never will have one if every time the subject of romantic interest by either party comes up I freeze and I feel stupid, weak and ashamed. Numerous girls have called me "innocent" because I behave the way I do. (I'm really not. I'm as horny as the next guy. I just don't know how the hell I'm supposed to act!) What should I do? Should/can I face my fear head-on somehow? Are there any ways I can practice gaining confidence in this type of situation? Any advice you can give I would appreciate. Thanks in advance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WindowTo Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Confidence is gained by success and success is gained by trying/taking chances. Lets put it this way, the ceiling on being too forward is a lot taller than that of being too shy. In other words, err on the side of forwardness. I think that people like you need to try to stop from feeling unworthy or ashamed of their desire for a woman. On an emotional level, women like a man who is not afraid to take what he wants and view himself as someone who deserves great things since this makes them perceive people the same way. That is not to say that you have to go to some extreme, but it is to say that your image of what this is is probably very different from what is required to come off as a confident guy in a romantic situation. Stop trying to hide the fact that you are attracted to girls. That is not to say that you should not follow social cues and respond to the signs of their comfort zone, but the art of flirting is all about expressing interest while skirting and pushing the comfort zone of both parties. The reason you cannot think of anything to say is because when you experience an interaction which is romantic in some way you are probably so busy thinking about how nervous you are, or furiously trying to think of something to say that all your natural tools for conversation building have no brain space to work with. Next time focus on relaxing and clearing your mind, eliminate the need to say something interesting or unique, focus on being as laid back as you can and let your instincts take over and also LISTEN. When you listen and let your instincts grind the information this is where good conversations come from, letting your mind meander through your past experiences and relating what a person is saying to yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Growl1971 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Women LOVE confidence in a man. Mind you, I said confidence, not cockiness or arrogance, huge difference as these are turn offs. Being self-conscious is quite normal, especially for a boy your age, so don't think there's anything 'wrong' with you, nothing at all. You have to play a game inside your own head when you know you're going to be around new women you'd like to meet. It's important for you to psych yourself up in your own mind, to remember all the great things about you that you know to be true, and that being this great catch is something that any woman would be LUCKY to get. Remember, women are more often just as nervous as you are...but don't ever show it. Do your best to remind yourself you're a good guy, a catch, and proceed with that attitude coupled with a sense of light hearted sense of humor. You make a girl laugh, and that's half the battle. Get her comfortable with this attractive, funny guy around, and watch them open up. Whatever you do...don't look scared or nervous! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Npharris Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Thank you - These are both fantastic answers. I never considered that my whole problem is I am carrying around a kind of toxic shame and a feeling that I am not good enough to deserve things that I want. This really resonates with me, and makes things make a lot more sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charity Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 if i called a guy innocent and he responded by saying 'I'm really not. I'm as horny as the next guy. I just don't know how the hell I'm supposed to act!', well i would be reeled in straight away. it shows manliness and vunerability at the same time. i like that! not speaking for every woman here, just myself! lol maybe you need to be friends with a girl first and then let the attraction grow, that way she already knows you and you won't get tongue tied! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bish0p2004 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 if i called a guy innocent and he responded by saying 'I'm really not. I'm as horny as the next guy. I just don't know how the hell I'm supposed to act!', well i would be reeled in straight away. it shows manliness and vunerability at the same time. i like that! Absolutely brilliant. It's all about being honest with yourself and the people around you. Npharris, do not feel guilty because you are a man and you have human desires. Show people that you are human and be comfortable showing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Npharris Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 Charity - Haha, That's great. I'll have to remember that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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