kirby Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 My boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago after 3 and a half years together.It was my decision as he had begun taking me for granted, doing things he wanted to do whenever he wanted to do it etc. I felt like I was the only one interested in keeping the relationship running smoothly. I told him i needed a break for a couple of months to figure out what i want. He said he wants/promises to change his ways and he regrets everything he did and he wants nothing more than to continue his life with me. He loves me and I do still love him. I hated hurting him, but it was the only thing I could do. I'm still very confused as to whether I should I get back together with him or not? I think he will definetly try to change his ways but I don't want to get back together and for it collapse around me and feel like an idiot. My parents like him, but don't think he treats me the way I deserve to be treated. Can this be changed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForumGuy Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 If this is your first time around with this and you love him enough to be with him, you should give him the benefit of the doubt. If you have been down this road before, things likely will not change. As a guy, I can attest that we sometimes need a kick in the head and sometimes it makes a lasting impression. Right now you are kicking him in the head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andama08 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 You feel worried that he will try and change, but later fall back into his old ways. You were together for 3.5 years, which is a long time, and you much know him very well. Ultimately you are the one who must make this decision. Sometimes a break-up can serve as a wake-up call. Other times it can make you see that the relationship wasn't worth it. Whatever you do, make sure you have no regrets about it though. Personally, I would love it if my ex told me he wanted me back, but everyone's situation is different. If love is still there on both ends, I think anything is possible. I'm really sleepy right now, so if this doesn't make sense I apologize. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
d24 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 at the end of the day i think you should let him try, and if it fails you've not really lost anything. he might be able to save something truly special, because if you remember all the good times you've had in the past, that can potentially happen again with him. i don't see why you wouldn't let him try unless you have no feelings for him any more and actually WANT to move on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
faithful14 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I think you should sit down and talk to him about your fears. Let him know that while you do want to get back with him, you fear that things will go back to how they were before the breakup. Tell him what you want and see if he is willing to make those changes and stick to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
danslenoir Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 You may as well be my ex! She raised issues before (the whole taking for granted thing) and I failed to listen. Then she left and I felt like it was the biggest kick up the backside I've ever had. If she came back things would be different, I'm quite sure. Like you, she fears that things would (if not at first) go back to the way they were, and I guess I can't blame her for that. Sometimes it takes losing something (probably forever in my case) to realise just how much it meant to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EasyLiving Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Kirby, I am in the same situation as your ex. Your fear is that if you take him back he will eventually neglect you again. No one knows the future, but take a look at his actions during this period. If he's working on himself--I mean REALLY working on himself--and taking the necessary steps to unlearn some of his bad habits and refocus on his priorities, that's a good sign that he's willing to make that change. Guys get caught up in worldly things all the time. It could be work, friends, 'me' time, whatever. Every relationship hits a lull. But where there's true love there's always the effort to make things right. Good luck and let us know what you decide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirby Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Thanks for the advice guys. I've been battling with myself for weeks and seem to get nowhere with this issue! I did tell him of issues I had with what he was doing as they arose, he'd listen and apologise, but then kinda do whatever he wanted again. Hence my frustration! I felt awful breaking up with him. What you are all saying is correct, I asked him to take this break as a time to reflect on himself, and really sort out what he wants.I think this break has really been an eye opener that I won't put up with any less than I deserve. It's nice to know other people out there are in the same place as me, and it's nice to get peoples opinions who aren't connected to the situation. I'll keep you posted on my decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Romi Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Kirby, I am in the same situation as you. I left my boyfriend of 1 1/2 yrs because of the same things and because he lied to me. Not a big lie but that doesn't matter. It's been 19 days... I don't know what to do either. We had contact the first week by email and then NC. I asked him for space. I'm sad and mad because I talked to him before, many times and he did the same as your bf, he apologized and then did the same mistakes again and again... That's why I don't think he will be able to change in the future and I don't want to get back to the same relationship. I miss him so much! But I can't take a decision right now. It's too soon... Please, let me know if you had contact with him or if he tried to win you back in some way Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirby Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Hi Romi, We havent had much contact. He came to my house to pick up some stuff and have a chat. I put it all out on the table why I was doing what I was doing, why I needed space. He said he would give me the space, but could we keep the lines of communication open, because it's only reason to drift apart. I said yes but it does make it more confusing. He and I are going for dinner tonight, mostly because I want to be fair to him- I am asking him to wait around for me while I make a decision. I miss him so much. I like you wish that a decision would just present itself- I feel like I'm in lingo, and I'm not liking it. My mum and dad like him, but they think he needs to mature and he doesn't treat me exactly how I deserve. They think that there is someone for me that will treat me exactly like I deserve, I just have to wait for him. But on the other hand- I have invested so much of myself in my 3 and a half year relationship that I don't want to see it go to waste, when I could give him a 2nd chance. I don't know. I don't know want to disappoint my parents, even though they'd support me no matter what. Although I'm sure that if he went back to his old ways, I'd pick up on them straight away and get out- and I'd be in a much stronger place to deal with the break-up if it had to occur. Hope this helps a bit Romi- it is a very confusing time! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Romi Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Kirby, please let me know how dinner was last night. I'm actually in NC. It's been almost 2 weeks since I don't talk to him. Tomorrow it's his 32nd birthday and I don't know if I should call him or not. I don't think he deserve it. Like you said, my parents and sister think he's too inmature (with 32 yrs!) and he needs to grow up to have the kind of relationship I need right now. So I don't think I'm getting back w him... Good luck to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirby Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 Hi Romi, Our dinner went really well actually! We just spoke about general things and at the end of our meal we went outside and had a very honest, blunt discussion about everthing. I said what I need from him, he bought up things that he knows he needs to improve on and how much he's assessed his priorities. I really feel that there can be a future for us. I said I still need a little longer, (and I think the break is doing him good!) but I'm leaning towards getting back together now. He seems like he wants to change, and is really working on himself, so considering I still love him dearly, I feel I owe it to him and our relationship to give it a second chance. So we'll see how it pans out over the next couple of weeks and hopefully we'll get a happy ending. I hope you're going ok with your situation, and I really hope that anything I say can be of help to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crushedlikefruit Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Hi Kirby (and Romi!), I just wanted to quickly say that it's nice to see ladies like yourselves still out there, willing to give love a second chance. I am currently going through hell, trying to prove to my ex girlfriend (who I love deeply) that the profound changes I'm making to myself (including seeing TWO counsellors) are for good and that we can make our relationship work again. She is pushing, then pulling away and recently called things off again - despite still texting me / calling me saying how much she misses me. The way I see it is that I'm willing to fight for our love and do anything it takes, and when that is met with her reluctance to communicate and work through things, it hurts me and makes me wish that I could be with someone who is willing to listen and appreciate things from my side. Congratulations on being open to giving things a second chance with your man, I truly hope things work out for the both of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carlsongs Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Kirby and Romi, Why are you trying to change in these men? Is it something bad or is it something as little as not putting the toilet seat down? If it it is something minor and you really love these men. Its time to compromise. You guys breaking up and not trusting that they will change is just going to make thust issues on thier part even worse. You started a relationship with them because you loved them in the first place. Your never going to find the perfect guy that is going to do EVERYTHING the way you expect them to do it. If they had an emotional or physical affair. Then you should be mad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirby Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 I am not trying to change him, I didn't like how I was treated as I was CONSTANTLY compromising, so i broke up with him. It is him who can see the error of his ways, and wants to make the changes. He used to live his own life, and I was left out of it. If he didn't change his ways, no girl would ever be able to be with him long term. It is always very easy when you are reading these posts to see it as simple as 'woman wanting to change the man' concept, but you have no idea how much effort I put into the relationship with little in return in the end. So now, if he's wanting to make changes for the better...I'm not going to stop him. I know what I need, and if he wants to be with me and he can grow up and become the man I need him to be then I'm not going to complain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carlsongs Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Oh im sorry Kirby. Im sure your hurting right now. But I will admit even men try to change woman too. A relationship takes 2 to make it work. In the mean time my friend. Chin up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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