SA_Guy99 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 At 26, I'm finally starting to actually fight my anxiety disorder, which tenfolds around women I like. I got to know one girl online and we've gone on 3 dates now, and after the last one, she came to my place to watch a movie. We chat online every night, we text each other all day. I never imagined I could be so comfortable communicating with a girl I like and I didn't feel much anxiety at all when she was at my place. I have one problem however... physical contact. As mentioned, 3 dates and neither one of us has made a move for a simple hug or kiss. I've never been in a position to make such a move before, so I have no idea how to pick up on body language or any hints that she wants me to do such a thing. When she was over for a movie, I envisioned us lying on the couch together, but instead we sat there motionless for the duration of the movie. I told her she could put her feet up, get comfortable, offered her a blanket if she gets cold and she just said "that's ok thanks". Those couple hours were like pure torture for me. I think it's obvious that we like each other, but that one move by either of us to push us to being more than just dating seems to be missing from both of us. I really like this girl and any advice on how to initiate the slightest bit of physical contact would be greatly appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tara30 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 She may be very shy about physical contact, and perhaps she is just waiting for you to make the first move...It has been a while since I dated, but when I was dating, I always waited for the guy to make the first move. It just seemed too pushy, if I started it. Maybe the next time you two are together, gently take her hand if you are walking together, or trying sitting close to her and putting your arm around her. If she likes you, she won't mind, and she will get closer to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanDee Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 When you're sat next to her, put your arm around her or your hand on her thigh. Not too intrusive but, still considered 'moves'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SA_Guy99 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 But how do I know it's ok to do that? Why would it seem pushy just because you're the girl making a move? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumbrella Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 You never really know its okay with 100% certainty at first. You have to take a chance. You're going to be waiting a very long time to find any female who will tell you they want you to make a move. Also the longer you hold off on this, the more likely you'll be friendzoned. They either assume you're not interested, or that you're a wimp. Or some combo thereof. Also, build up to it. Sounds like the ice needs to be broken a bit. Be flirty, smiley, crack jokes, playfully push/poke her when you hang out. That'll get you both more used to being physical, and might just get her wanting your touch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thekid55 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 You need to remember one thing: You are the guy. Guys initiate. If you want to get physical with her, you need to slowly start the buildup. You can't just jump straight into kissing her. You need to do playful touching first (like nudging her when you tell her a funny joke, maybe challenge her to thumb wrestling, shaking hands when you meet up with her pretending you are just introducing yourself again as a joke). Keep it very, very light and flirty. Women love that stuff. Once you have initiated that contact, you can proceed with putting your arm around her, but you have to be smooth with it. I always enjoy opening a door for a girl and putting my arm around her back as she passes through (subtle, yet effective). Once you pass through that barrier, now you can start to think about the kiss. If you 'notice' that a piece of hair on her head is out of place, fix it for her. If she lets you do this, then she's comfortable with your touch. She's ready to be kiss. Also, looking into her eyes and then lips and back up to the eyes communicates that you want to kiss her. A lot of guys don't understand that men and women are turned on in different ways. For men, once we see an attractive woman, boom we are turned on and imagine having sex with her. For women, they need the slow buildup. They like the uncertainity to see where things are going. They are attracted to our personality, our confidence, our social institution, and even our wealth. Looks matter, but they are not as important as to how you carry yourself. I'll tell you this right now. The longer you wait to get 'physical' with her, the more likely you are to land in the dreaded 'friend zone'. Things seem great now, but you have gotta be the man here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanDee Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 She's probably beginning to feel qute insecure/offended that you haven't made a move tbh. Also, just putting your arm around her isn't being pushy on your fourth date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BritterSweet Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 She could be shy too, and it's possible that inside she is as confused and frustrated as you. If you have feelings for her, you have to get her to notice it. Otherwise she may think you don't see her that way. Thekid55 has some pretty good tips. Start out making small touches to show that you are interested and like being with her. Also, DanDee is right about putting your arm around her. It's the 4th date. That's not too soon. In fact, most people would have kissed already by then! (BTW, if you were about to just now, do not beat yourself up about that! I was meaning to make you feel more at ease. That it's OK to do that at this point). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SA_Guy99 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 I wasn't saying it was pushy to put my arm around her. I was asking tara30 why she feels pushy only because she's a girl and would be making the move. I know society's expectations is that the guy initiates, but why does it have to be a hard rule? If she feels like she wants to be more physical, why can't she initiate too? Why does the pressure have to be all on me? The small playful touches described above just aren't in my nature. I feel weird and awkward just thinking about it. I'm not a charismatic or flirty person like that unfortunately. I think physical contact should be a two-way street personally. We both should be on the hook for initiating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdean76 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I think physical contact should be a two-way street personally. We both should be on the hook for initiating. OK, that's fine and good and everything in theory, but what if she doesn't feel that way? Then she gets frustrated that you're not doing anything and boom, you're done. If you want something, just go for it. You gotta get over it and just do something, man. I know we're all different and doing something small like thumb wrestling (a tactic which has worked for me with great results, BTW) might seem like a big deal to you, but it's not. You need to get over yourself. If you can put your arm around her, you can challenge her to thumb wrestle. To me, thumb wrestling is a great idea because it gets both of you involved in the touching and you have a bit of a competition and you both end up laughing in the end. It's a win-win. Nothing is given to you in life. You have to go for it. Do you want to potentially leave something good on the table because you can't work up the courage to make small physical contact? Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BritterSweet Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 "I wasn't saying it was pushy to put my arm around her. I was asking tara30 why she feels pushy only because she's a girl and would be making the move. I know society's expectations is that the guy initiates, but why does it have to be a hard rule? If she feels like she wants to be more physical, why can't she initiate too?" If it's an explanation you want, then here's what I can think of. Since society expects men to make the moves and the women to be passive, a woman actively going for a man may possibly imply that men won't come to her. There might be something wrong with her to make her unattractive, and she's desperate. Remember, this is just a wild guess from my head. There's no evidence I have of this idea being true or false. I actually talked with my parents one time, and said that the guys who approach me are usually not my type. Truth be told, I find some shyness rather cute in a guy. But I'm aware that most shy guys rarely if ever make the first move, so I would have to be the daring one. And that may be a challenge, since I'm an introvert myself. My mom and dad actually told me no, don't do that! "Let the guys come to you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ajp89 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I wasn't saying it was pushy to put my arm around her. I was asking tara30 why she feels pushy only because she's a girl and would be making the move. I know society's expectations is that the guy initiates, but why does it have to be a hard rule? If she feels like she wants to be more physical, why can't she initiate too? Why does the pressure have to be all on me? The small playful touches described above just aren't in my nature. I feel weird and awkward just thinking about it. I'm not a charismatic or flirty person like that unfortunately. I think physical contact should be a two-way street personally. We both should be on the hook for initiating. Well, m8 she is probably thinking the same thing that you are right now, and so, your both at fault, im having he same problem with a girl atm only for me it's not the touching that the problem for us one night we snuggled on the sofa watching a movie, but if u read my post for me making the next move with her right now, opens a whole other tin of worms that i would have to get over. so i do feel for you m8 but every one is right sometime, u only need to make a suggestion about putting your arm around her and if she responds and lets you then, you have both in your own way made a little bit of a move to get o the next step. but good look with her buddy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
testcase Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe you need a more physical girl? Believe me there out there. I was just dating this girl around the new year who I was having a hard time getting a read on. She seemed very shy and closed off, and I'm kinda shy... so it was a bad combination. 3 dates with barley hugs and I was frustrated. Lined up a really nice 4th date, made my move had a good kiss and thought the floodgates would open. Date after that it was back to shy, slow. Now maybe we liked each other. I definitely thought she was awesome, and attractive.... but if I couldn't make that move things weren't progressing dating / relationship wise. I felt that way, and I'm pretty sure she felt that way too. Now I'm dating a girl I had no problems kissing / flirting with... the chemistry is off the hook. I think I made the first move, or she did... whatever it was definitely mutual that sparks were flying and we both wanted it to happen. Maybe you just need to find that. It's out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DanDee Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 testcase: she might be thinking that he's still summing her up and not quite sure if he's into her yet. Women can be terribly insecure things. As far as you making the first move, it shows confidence and the ability to take control. All things that will go in your favour with this girl. These aren't neccesarily feminine traits, or at least traits that aren't top of the list for women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SA_Guy99 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 I went to her house for dinner tonight. She cooked a great lasagna. We watched a movie after, but as far as physical contact goes, it was the same damn thing. We were inches apart from each other and neither one of us could break the forcefield. I wanted to make the move so ****ing bad, but it's like there's something blocking my body from reacting to what my brain is telling it to do. I think a major part of this, is that I have the fears that most 14 year-olds have with girls and touching them, and I'm almost 27. I feel like complete garbage right now. I've gone through depression in dealing with anxiety and loneliness, but now that a girl I like is right there in front of me, not being able to do anything about it hurts almost worse. I'm lost as to what to do about it. :sad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BritterSweet Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Okay, while we're both online, don't log out yet. I'm typing something that I'm taking a while to complete. I need a few minutes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jumbrella Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Okay first things first. She is not the only female in existence. Repeat this in your head as needed. If for whatever reason, you two never advance to a physical/romantic rs, its not the end of the world. Nor is she a special snowflake. Don't let this get to you. Sounds like you're starting to beat yourself up. Understandable, but really try not. Cuz it ain't gonna help you win her over. Do you guys only watch movies? Mix it up a bit. Take her someplace. And then maybe end up finishing the night with a movie. Just remember...build up. From the moment you two meet up, you should be advancing things. We've given you pretty solid advice. But you're the one who has to do it. Just remember, you'll get 1 of 3 possible outcomes from her. Yes, no, or maybe. They can all change on a moments notice. And none of them really matter in the grand scheme of things... so just go for it. You'll learn no matter the outcome, and be better for the next one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SA_Guy99 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 I've taken her out for dinner twice as well. We both like to watch movies, so I don't see a problem there. I understand what you're saying with trying not to beat myself up. Just keep in mind that I'm starting to date at 26 years of age. I met this girl online, and we chatted for a few months before meeting in person. I really do like her, and at least I'm getting more comfortable actually being around a girl I like the more I see her. She's almost like a female version of myself. If I can manage to make something serious with her in the long run, that would be amazing. I talked with my aunt tonight about this all and on her advice, I sent the girl a text message that said again that I had a great time tonight, dinner was awesome, that I was disappointed with myself for not being able to show it with a hug and/or a kiss and that I like her a lot and we will do something again soon. I don't know if that was the best option, but at least I made it less confusing for her than it may have been. All I know now is that I won't sleep well tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BritterSweet Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 OK, so just to clarify: you feel down because you believe you were supposed to do something but didn't? It seems to ruin your whole experience when you feel like you failed at something. Here's something that may be worth a try: If you have plans to meet up again, like the next time you have dinner together at her place, bring her a dessert or something. Then pat yourself on the back for doing that. Compliment her cooking or her looks ("You look nice/cute/great." "You're a really good cook.") Then think, "Yes! I did it!" Rinse and repeat with other nice things. When you're watching a movie, sit right next to her. You said in your last post that you were mere inches from each other (If you didn't sit as close to her at first, then consider that an improvement). Then nonchalantly (or at first pretending you don't mean to), slide your hand to the side until it touches hers. If she reacts negatively, then you can pretend you didn't notice you were doing that, and no harm will have been done. If she doesn't pull away, then you can be bolder and hold her hand. Sound safe? Overall, think more about the things you did good on, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem, and compliment yourself. In fact, before you meet her, look at yourself in the mirror and say, "Hm. Looking good." You may have to force yourself at first, but keep at it. To the other posters on this thread, please feel free to add your opinion. What do you guys think of my idea? Got anything to add on or criticize? Being 22 and single (never had a boyfriend), I may not seem like the best person to be giving advice. But while I never had a boyfriend, I did like a guy a few years ago, and there was practically no doubt the feeling was mutual. When our families gathered together, the two of us would go somewhere alone and talk. And once on Christmas, he kissed me on the cheek But with both of us being shy and introverted, neither of us took any major action, and my feelings for him eventually faded (this was after over a year of liking him.) It's pretty important to take an extra step. Even if they're just little baby steps in the beginning. If you want, I'd be happy to cheer you on. ...Pfft, this doesn't look like it should have taken so long to type out, but I sometimes have a hard time thinking of how to get my thoughts accross. And even then, I might edit something tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BritterSweet Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Sorry to make you stay online and then log out right after I typed my own post, but I have to get up early. But yeah, jumbrella's right. Things may not always work out the way you wish they did. Sucky things happen, but it's not the end of the world. It's a part of life. Rather than lower your mood, think of them as learning experiences. Think of how it could have been better, and plan what you will do next time. In fact, you're already improving yourself. The fact that you're getting more comfortable with a girl proves that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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