Am I Stuck in the Friend-Zone forever?

[TK2006]

I dont really know where to start. I have been looking into threads in this forum for the last couple of days trying to relate to similar "problems" as mine are.

 

I have this friend. The friendship started really slowly, started when I was in the US, basically it was an online IM type of relationship, never met each other. I moved back to Europe (I'm originally from the UK, but was in another country for work). I finally met her, and we would meet about once a month (we're only less than a 2 hour drive apart).

The relationship slowly developed into being best friends, we are very good together, get each other right away, and I dont even recall we ever had a fight or a disagreement.

 

Then she moved to a country a bit farther away. She insisted that I come and visit her after she has settled in. And I did. Spent a few days with her, it was the first time that we'd actually spent more than one day together as she hosted me at her apartment.

After I left and went back home, I started missing her dearly and thats when the feelings developed. The thought of dating her have never even crossed my mind. She's 9 years older than me and single the whole time (she basically gave up on dating and is not interested).

I decided to let time pass and see if the feelings were real or were they just because we have spent a lot of time together. As the days passed I realized that this was real.

Here I decided to be more flirty with her and see where things would lead, as I didn't want to jump out of the blue and say something, would make the friendship awkward.

Her response was positive at first, but I think when she realized I was serious, she backed off.

Of coarse I was devastated, but I cant blame her, she did not lead me into anything wrong, plus she's been an amazing friend all along and I know that she wouldn't purposefully hurt me.

I confronted her and told her about everything, I even apologized, she refused the apology as she said "you did nothing wrong." She just said she didn't think its a good idea, plus she isn't interested in a relationship with me or anyone else.

Took me a while but I got over with it, and we went back into being good friends, but I think deep down inside me I still wanted something.

 

A few months later I moved back to the UK. Her job makes her travel to london regularly. So she tells me that she is coming to London for an overnight visit, and she wanted to meet. Told her fine, but I would have to leave early since I have to take the train back home. She offered for me to spend the night in her hotel. Once I got to her room (if you are not familiar with London Hotels, the rooms are freaking tiny!) I realized that we would be sharing a bed, awkward! Anyways nothing happened, nor did I think or hope would happen, I was over her. I was kinda happy because I felt that I was trully over her.

 

Anyways a few months later, after I have settled back in to the UK she comes over to visit london again, staying for 4 days, and yet again she invited me to stay with her. I had the week off anyways so decided why not, she works 9-5 which gives me time to meet friends in the morning/afternoon, and at night we would go out together (dinners, movies, regular "friendly" stuff).

 

In one of my days in london, I met my ex and her friend for lunch (this was an old old relationship, we remained friends, although we dont speak/meet regularly). When my friend was done with work and asked me what I did today, told her about my lunch, she did not react the way I thought she would, she seem jealous, which confused me, why is she jealous?

Anyways she left and got back home. I started becoming a bit curious, thats when I started looking for help online. She started acting weird. One day she would text me saying she misses me, the next day she would totally disappear, one day she would joke around about the things we did while in london, and so on. Once I havent replied to her text, due to having a late important meeting, she kind of went a bit "crazy" asking why would I ignore her, etc etc.

 

One of the things I gathered from the advice found here in the forum is the way I act with her. I realized that I am too nice to her and give her a lot of attention, and some times I feel she doesn't do the same. I realized that the reason she has a lot of guy friends (none come as close as me with her, but the same can be said about me with female friends), and most probably she enjoys the attention/affection from them.

 

So I decided to start ignoring her a bit, sometimes that resulted in her also ignoring, and some times that resulted in her asking why do I seem "far."

Anyways I decided to start seeing this girl who has been interested in me for a while. I have to admit I did this for two reasons, 1) was to see if I still had feelings for my friend, 2) I feel like I needed a relationship.

She's a girl who is just looking to have some fun before she leaves the country (she's a grad student who is due to graduate this summer).

Turns out she is the type of girl that likes to take a lot of pictures and is basically a facebook addict. She started posting pics of us on facebook, and my friend saw them.

 

Now things changed big time. She never asked about the girl I am seeing, nor did I ever tell her, but she started being REALLY nice, started flirting, sending me kisses etc etc. I try not to give her too much, sometimes I give her a positive reaction, and sometimes I'd simply reply by saying thanks.

 

I know this is all because I started seeing someone else and she is worried that my attention will not be with her anymore, and maybe she felt the need to "act" quickly. I'll admit that I still want her, but I dont be the one that would open this door as she is the one that closed it in the first place.

 

What I want to know is how to make her open that door? Or, even though I'm not the type of person that asks again if at first I was rejected (this goes for everything in my life, its kind of like motto, and she knows that), I would open this door again but I would be sure of her response. I think it will be very awkward if I brought up this topic again and get rejected,

 

Help, anyone?

 

(wow, just previewed the post, didnt know it would be this long, hope someone actually reads it!)

[BMP2CPM]

Once you're in the friend zone, it's very difficult to get out of it. Honestly, I think the only reason she was showing interest is the jealousy factor. Women can be motivated by jealousy, but when you come down to it, it's not about you at all. Don't you want a woman that's motivated by you and not the jealousy factor? Also, I seriously think you are more into her than she will ever be into you. This isn't a good situation to be in for a guy because she doesn't sound like the girl who ends relationships. She's a nice girl that would like to keep you orbiting her, giving her attention while she hooks up with other guys. There may be other orbiters too. You may want end any kind of relationship with her. She will get serious with someone soon and it will hurt. And no matter what you do, it's probably not going to be enough to make the difference. If you still want to try, you would need to get together, touch her, if she responds kiss her. Then see what happens. Sounds like you are doing great with not being too nice and lack of attention. Still it might be too little too late. Good luck!

[charliepapa]

Sounds like you are managing the situation just fine. If you like her, when your current girlfriend leaves maybe ask her out on a "date". If (when) she turns your "date" down move on.

[TK2006]

She's a nice girl that would like to keep you orbiting her, giving her attention while she hooks up with other guys. There may be other orbiters too. You may want end any kind of relationship with her. She will get serious with someone soon and it will hurt. And no matter what you do, it's probably not going to be enough to make the difference. If you still want to try, you would need to get together, touch her, if she responds kiss her. Then see what happens. Sounds like you are doing great with not being too nice and lack of attention. Still it might be too little too late. Good luck!

 

There might be other orbiters as you say, although I dont know to which extent because of us being in different countries. The only thing I know that she has a lot of guy friends, but no one gets the same treatment as I do. Many of her friends that know me think we are in a relationship. One of her friends actually asked me.

I know that she doesnt have a relationship with anyone because she is extremely picky when it comes to men, and I think she has given up. I dont know of any relationships she had during the time I've known her, although she had some before we became friends and she was really hurt by most of them (she was engaged, broke it off, and a few other serious relationships that ended badly, either by cheating or something else, and the last one she had was with a guy who totally showed her a double life, he was married and had kids and he made a good job keeping that from her), this is something we have in common we both pretty much have had our fair share of bad relationships. I havent showed any intrest in women for the past two years almost.

 

I am at a crossroad right now, either totally forget and move on or give it another shot (I just have a feeling that this would be "the" relationship we are both looking for)

[TK2006]

Sounds like you are managing the situation just fine. If you like her, when your current girlfriend leaves maybe ask her out on a "date". If (when) she turns your "date" down move on.

 

Thanks for the reply, but what I want to get to is asking her with out her turning me down! I dont want to be rejected twice. I wanna make sure if I do ask her out again, the answer would be yes.

[charliepapa]

Thanks for the reply, but what I want to get to is asking her with out her turning me down! I dont want to be rejected twice. I wanna make sure if I do ask her out again, the answer would be yes.

 

I know it is hard (i have dealt with it myself) but there is no way of getting around it if she is not interested in you now she will never be interested. One way or another the situation will be resolved and you can move on with your life and with other (better) opportunities.

 

 

p.s.

I asked someone out whom I had a stupid crush on and was actually relieved when she said no.

[TK2006]

I know it is hard (i have dealt with it myself) but there is no way of getting around it if she is not interested in you now she will never be interested. One way or another the situation will be resolved and you can move on with your life and with other (better) opportunities.

 

 

p.s.

I asked someone out whom I had a stupid crush on and was actually relieved when she said no.

 

Thanks for opening my eyes! Never thought of this in this sense.

Thats the main reason I wanted to post this here, I needed some people looking in from the outside.

 

The no, would be a relief, but do you think it will damage the friendship?

[charliepapa]

The no, would be a relief, but do you think it will damage the friendship?

 

Sorry, no idea. Probably - but put it all on the line. Maybe she will be impressed in your all or nothing approach?

 

Good Luck

[TK2006]

Sorry, no idea. Probably - but put it all on the line. Maybe she will be impressed in your all or nothing approach?

 

Good Luck

 

Thanks for your time and wishes