Questions

[Zenfeedbacker]

I just got out of a relationship (New Year's Eve of all times) that broke down due to chiefly my inability to communicate clashing with her neediness. Now even though everything's still quite raw, I just want to run some stuff by you and see if I can't uncover any of the answers I'm looking for.

 

First, her prinicple argument towards the reason for breaking up was that she knew I loved her, but didn't feel it.

Naturally nobody want's to hear that, not least when they thought all along they were transmitting those feelings loud and clear.

 

So what on earth went wrong? I should add that last May my decade estranged father died in a drunken brawl, naturally this placed a great deal more stress on us. For one I did become distant - I had to work through it, though throughout I felt so grateful for her sticking with me, my love only grew and grew for her. By the autumn I had recovered from that depression, but I'd been left, let's say.. emotionally frail. I was tired from all that pain, and that was really the final nail in the coffin I think. It upset her that she couldn't seem to make me happy - but the truth was she was the only thing that made me happy at that time.

 

So there was this huge disconnect! Me sending signals, her not receiving.

What on earth could be wrong with me?

I'm generally rather stoic by nature - I prefer to think about things rather than express them a lot of the time. I often feel by wording my thoughts they lose their meaning, I feel as if I can't say something to someone and have them understand it exactly as I intended.

 

I'm already starting to think about the future, even letting myself become slightly optimistic.

I will find love again, I know that. I'm just scared of history repeating, as despite my failings I desperately wish to express my true feelings for people, I aspire toward empathy as we all do whether we admit it or not.

 

So. Yeah.

i) Do I have a problem?

ii) Should I get help?

iii) Are there women out there that can deal with someone as difficult as me? Everyone deserves love, and I want to give it. People just.. can't see it.

 

Bonus question;

In spite of all this I'm going to take some time for myself to rebuild. I've been in 3 relationships each lasting around 2 years in the past 7 years (I'm 22). Have I missed something, was my development somehow arrested by essentially growing in to manhood based on a model of being a boyfriend?

 

Cheers for any replies.

[Stay_home]

Everybody's style of communication is different. As long as you can get on the same page with your significant other to the point where you can at least understand each other, I think you'll be fine. In some cases, you do have to know how to express yourself and say what's on your mind. If you love your woman, tell her. If there's something you'd like to say, say it. If you have a question, ask it. You don't have to be anymore proficient in one then the other, but I think having a steady balance is what really matters.

[Capricorn3]

broke down due to chiefly my inability to communicate.

First, her prinicple argument towards the reason for breaking up was that she knew I loved her, but didn't feel it..

At least you recognize what the main problem is. Inability to communicate and lack of communication will almost always cause a lot of grief in any relationship, imo. So in that aspect, yes, I would say you have a problem. Getting help would be a good idea because I doubt you'll be able to fix this on your own when it seems to be part of your make-up.

 

Good luck.