How can I quit feeling desperate and putting up with substandard behavior?

[kristenjo]

I've had HORRIBLE luck with dating the last several years and it's really doing a number on my self esteem. I find I wind up putting up bad behavior from men once I become emotionally attached to them. For instance, I casually dated a guy for a few months...I ended up breaking it off with him because he wasn't putting any effort into anything, would cancel plans with me sometimes, barely initiated phone calls, etc. In short he wasn't into me. He has issues with commitment, but we had amazing chemistry and a ton of things in common. I'm still not over him and I still want to spend time with him, which is messed up.

I feel like I'm coming accross as desperate because we still talk from time to time. I ask myself why I can't let go and be with someone who treats me the way I deserve to be treated. But on the other hand, this inner voice is telling me that no one has treated me well for years, so do I even deserve or am I going to get better treatment? Men are attracted to me all the time, but as soon as I start liking them they always end up treating me the same way. I feel like I'm starving for love and attention, which is creating it's own vicious circle. I don't know what to do to boost my self-esteem when everyone around me seems to be indicating I'm not worthy of love, affection and attention.

[Leftright]

If your problem is low self-esteem, then you need to work on it. My advice would be to take a break from dating, because its obviously bringing you down. Find other activities to occupy your time such as a hobby, class or volunteer work and take this time to work on yourself. Sometimes a little therapy helps too. Also, don't be afraid to go see a psychoanalyst or spiritual counsellor. You would be surprised at what kinds of things could come up while speaking with them. The only way to solve a problem is to get to the root of it.

 

-Leftright

[kristenjo]

I think I have a lot to offer, am attractive, intelligent, like a bunch of cool things, etc. It's just the way people have treated me makes me question my concept of myself & feel unlovable. I think, if I'm so great, why doesn't anyone else see it? Does that make sense?

[bulletproof]

I think I have a lot to offer, am attractive, intelligent, like a bunch of cool things, etc. It's just the way people have treated me makes me question my concept of myself & feel unlovable. I think, if I'm so great, why doesn't anyone else see it? Does that make sense?

 

Here's the thing- if you truly believed those things about yourself, nothing anyone says or does could shake that. So obviously you don't have very positive feelings about yourself. At some point, you have to wipe the slate clean, and not play the chicken-and-egg game of "people treated me badly, so I feel badly" when it's really "I feel badly, so people pick up on that and treat me badly."

 

What helps is to structure your life so that you are happy, busy, and working towards goals. Dating can be a part of that, but not the majority of it. This will likely put you in places to meet other productive people and also give you a sense of confidence that will carry over to other areas of your life.

[Solo Pilot]

If your problem is low self-esteem, then you need to work on it. My advice would be to take a break from dating, because its obviously bringing you down. Find other activities to occupy your time such as a hobby, class or volunteer work and take this time to work on yourself. Sometimes a little therapy helps too. Also, don't be afraid to go see a psychoanalyst or spiritual counsellor. You would be surprised at what kinds of things could come up while speaking with them. The only way to solve a problem is to get to the root of it.

 

-Leftright

 

^---- I second this advice. Also about wishing for better treatment. It's true you do deserve to be treated good, but if you keep find guys that treat you badly, then (than?) maybe you should take a step back from dating and see what kind of guys your attracting. You might be attracted to the wrong sort which is causing your heartache. I find that quite a few women are attracted to the bad-boy types since they exhibit lots of confidence which is what women find attractive in a man. So ask yourself. What kind of guys am I attracted to.

[dconway8484]

Here's the thing- if you truly believed those things about yourself, nothing anyone says or does could shake that. So obviously you don't have very positive feelings about yourself. At some point, you have to wipe the slate clean, and not play the chicken-and-egg game of "people treated me badly, so I feel badly" when it's really "I feel badly, so people pick up on that and treat me badly."

 

What helps is to structure your life so that you are happy, busy, and working towards goals. Dating can be a part of that, but not the majority of it. This will likely put you in places to meet other productive people and also give you a sense of confidence that will carry over to other areas of your life.

 

This is some of the best advice I have read on this site. If you don't value yourself, you will keep getting hurt. I've gone through my entire life hating who I am, and although I have dated some great women, I was entirely dependent on them for my happiness -- when the relationships ended, I was a mess. Not going to happen anymore.