WhatSetsUs Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 In order for me to keep my head straight while I deal with the aftermath of my breakup, I'm gonna start posting regularly on here. I've kept a "journal" on here in the past and it's helped before so I figured I should try it again. Before I get into it, I guess I should introduce my situation: The Relationship I was with my ex-girlfriend for 4 years. I've known her since middle school, and we became good friends when we got to high school. It wasn't until our senior year of HS that we started getting together. Through fate or whatever, we both ended up going to the same college. Our relationship got serious. It had all the signs that it was leading to marriage. Yes we are young, but the idea of being together forever felt right. I'm certain that if we could overcome this last breakup we would be getting married sometime in the future. The Breakup(s) During our 4 years together we've broken up 3 times. The first breakup was tough for me, but it helped me realize that I was very immature and verbally abusive to my ex. The breakup didn't last very long and we got back together shortly after. The second breakup happened last February. We were having a tough couple weeks leading up to the breakup. I got a little too comfortable and stopped putting in effort into our relationship. We would do the same things all the time and I stopped being exciting. I got short tempered and there was a lot of friction between us. Eventually we got into a real big fight and she decided to breakup with me. We spent 3 months in NC and it wasn't until July of last summer that we got back together. This final breakup happened on December 18th. At this point our relationship was more serious than ever and we had ever intention of living together as soon as we graduated this spring. In November we kept having a reoccurring fight. We would have it about once every week or so. Basically, she wanted me to be more caring and supportive of her while she was going through some stressful times. Unfortunately, I was under a lot of stress of my own with the semester and with grad school applications, so I wasn't as sensitive to her needs as I should've been. I started getting really short tempered with her and would tell her to just "toughen up." After each fight we would just throw a temporary band-aid on it and continue on. A week before we broke up my ex asked to go on a break. She told me she just needed to time to cool off and that we would work on things once I got home for winter break. Unfortunately she didn't want to work on us anymore and she decided to break up with me. She told me that she didn't want to keep trying to make this relationship "the one" for her. She told me I wasn't nice enough to her, and didn't do enough to support her emotionally. She was just too worn out to try and continue to work on us. I pleaded with her but she just wasn't having it. I was devastated... So what now... Since the breakup I went complete NC. I made up to day 30, but last night I broke NC. I texted my ex asking her if we could talk. I still haven't heard anything from her... I have come to terms with what I did that led to our breakup. I've learned from my mistakes and I know what I need to do going forward, whether it be with my ex or in a new relationship. I still love my ex and I still really want to get back with her. I was hoping that I would be able to talk to her and see if there was any chance we could work things out. Having been through 3 breakups already, there isn't much more that we would need to overcome before being a perfect couple. We've dealt with more issues together than I think most married couples do. Going forward, I couldn't imagine any other problems arising. At least on my end, I wouldn't make the same mistakes. I know that the chances of me getting my ex back are very slim, but I haven't been able to let go of that hope that we can. I'm hoping that she will respond to my text and we can talk, but if not I will give it one more chance to talk to her. After that, I'll have no choice but to stop looking back and stop holding onto hope. I guess part of me knows that I need to use this breakup as a launchpad to learn how to be single and to focus on my future, but right now, I'm still too stuck on my ex to want that. So that's my story. I plan on posting here regularly, as I see fit. I welcome anyone to post on here as well and let me know what you think. Of course, advice and encouragement is highly appreciated. Thanks for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhatSetsUs Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Well I texted her on Monday night and I still haven't heard anything from her. I'm feeling pretty damn low today, worse than I've felt in a couple weeks. I'm planning on reaching out to her again tonight, but this time I think I'll call. I'm just not ready to let go of this. I'm willing to fight as much as I can for something I believe in. I know there's not much I can do to persuade her, but I'm hoping that maybe she has been thinking about us too. I really don't want this girl to be the one that got away, especially since the only person I can blame for this is myself. Is there anything I should say to her to help my chances??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irial Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I understand how you must feel, about the loss and about the fact she won't give the relationship another shot. I've been there, and I know how badly it hurts. I know all too well how it feels when you think it's "the one" and they are slipping away from you. After all the efforts, all the dedication and time. What has helped me through this was thinking that it doesn't really depend on me. It's not up to me to fix this (no matter how much effort I put into it!), the ex knows how I feel about him and he could come back anytime, and if he isn't coming back that means he does NOT want me. Sometimes they are "so far gone" there's nothing you could ever say to get them to come back. If you do need to reach out to her before finding your closure, do it. I think you already know what would NOT help your chances (pleading, begging, being pushy, desperate etc), about what could help, I really don't know. I suggest you just tell her in a direct way how you feel, don't make it too sentimental, and just get straight to the point. Once you've done this, just leave it to her to reach out to you if she wants to, and stop keeping in touch. Good luck! Stay strong Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 The rest of the folks may disagree, but I definitely think you should call her (rather than text) regarding something as serious as this. It is a sign of commitment to the idea and respect for her. She may not pick up (likely not) even if she wants to. Leave her a message. Say something concrete. that you have been doing a lot of thinking - would appreciate the opporturnity to speak with her, and to please let you know either way. (You don't want to be left hanging - take it from me - that is the worst feeling). Maybe suggest a day/place time. Make it easy for her to say yes. You may still not get to be together as a couple, but at least you will have given it a solid attempt. Then you can figure out what you do next. Also, be prepared to tell her exactly what you see about yourself, and how you will change it. Most girls want to know that there has been a true and profound change in a person who is neglectful of them. Words are not really enough. What really turned on the lioght for you to see your behaviour the way she saw it? You're going to need to give her very solid reasons for allowing herself to take a chance again. hope this helps - wish I would have heard the same from my ex. Aint gonna happen. He is not as evolved as you are ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhatSetsUs Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Thank you both for your thoughts. Greatly appreciated fwdthinker - The main thought process behind this is that it will be my final solid attempt. I'm just not willing to give up on something I believe so strongly in, especially since the issue is very fixable (at least from my perspective). I have written down all my thoughts; its actually kind of overly organized, like I wrote a report or persuasive essay or something lol. I know exactly what I did, I've made the changes, and I'm committed to working things out, if given the chance. In the past, I've always used logic and reason to work out an argument with her. She sometimes felt like I was lecturing her. So do you think I should appeal more to her emotions or what? I just 't want to come off as sincere. What could I do/say to show her that I am capable of being more emotional? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Look into her eyes. Let her see your heart. Hug her. Kiss her. Or if that is too much, try simply holding her hand. I'm no expert though; just a girl with a sad heart who had to leave for the same reasons. Being consistently dismissed/neglected by your SO is a steady blow to one's self esteem - whether it "should" be that way or not. And it takes a ton of energy to reclaim it in the aftermath once you have made that tough decision to get out. Maybe it would be good if you tell her straight up that you have laid it out logically and are not sure how to present it in a way she can hear (i.e. non lecturing..). What would she tell you if you asked her that? Do it that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhatSetsUs Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Well unfortunately, I don't think I'll be able to physically see her (she's back at her college and I go back to mine this weekend) but I do want her to see that I can be emotional. That was one of my big issues leading to the breakup. But I think I'm just gonna tell her all the things I've been thinking about since the breakup. All I can do is tell her whats on my heart I guess. I'm just afraid that my chances have finally run out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 That may be true with this person. I know it hurts. But regardless.. You're going to okay. Sooner or later. No matter what. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhatSetsUs Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 Well I called her. Got no answer but I left her a message. Ugh, that was incredibly nerve racking. I was literally shaking. I wasn't really expecting her to pick up, but now I realize I'm stuck waiting on her. It's hard for me to understand how this girl which I've loved for so long and shared so many good times with won't even give me the opportunity to talk to her. It's just real tough to deal with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 how are you today? I am also having a really tough time today with NC. But for me I know if I call, he will only hurt me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irial Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I'm sorry to hear you got no answer But don't worry, I'm sure you'll find the strength to get through this torture. Still, it really sucks she won't even give you one last chance to talk! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irial Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 how are you today? I am also having a really tough time today with NC. But for me I know if I call, he will only hurt me. Hey fwdthinker, I know how you feel! I also know if I ever got in touch with my ex at this point, he'd just hurt me (even if not intentionally). NC is best, but sometimes it's really sad to go on another day realizing the person is out of your life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Thanks so much, Irial. It is hard to reconcile in my mind that the person I cared for most; became the one who hurt me the most, in the most careless of ways. I am hoping that the scales fall from my eyes and I can see him for who he really was. A charmer, a talker, but not a man of substance integrity and depth. Just a kid playing games. At my expense. Yes, I am bitter and angry today. 9 days NC. he had a flight booked to visit Monday. Guess that wont happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhatSetsUs Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 how are you today? I am also having a really tough time today with NC. But for me I know if I call, he will only hurt me. I'm in a really down mood today. I mean, I wasn't expecting her to answer when I initially called, but I was hoping for at least some sort of response by now. I realize that if I don't get a response at all today that she will have sent me the "message" that she's done with me. I guess the finality of the situation is hitting me. I don't even know where the hope of getting her back came from, and now I'm just mad at myself for believing there was a chance. It's scary going forward without having her with me. She was the one person that gave me a true sense of comfort. I can say this though, 9 days of NC may feel like a long time, but in the end its worth it. I went 30 days of NC before making that call last night. And during our second breakup I went 3 months. You just have to stay strong and know that time will make things get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irial Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Thanks so much, Irial. It is hard to reconcile in my mind that the person I cared for most; became the one who hurt me the most, in the most careless of ways. I am hoping that the scales fall from my eyes and I can see him for who he really was. A charmer, a talker, but not a man of substance integrity and depth. Just a kid playing games. At my expense. Yes, I am bitter and angry today. 9 days NC. he had a flight booked to visit Monday. Guess that wont happen. Sorry FwdThinker for not getting back at you on here, I hadn't seen your reply. I understand precisely how you feel about the fact the person you cared for the most became the one who hurt you the most. I am on the same boat, and I am waiting to see my ex become a normal person to my eyes and no longer the great guy I thought he was. It's normal to be bitter, keep up with the good work on your NC! I had the same thing even, my ex had ME book a flight for christmas to his place. Well that no longer happened, and it was non-refundable. How great! @WhatSetsUs Sorry I stole your thread to answer FwdThinker, but I will use this same post to reply to what you said too! I'm really sorry to hear your mood is down, though that is understandable. Don't be mad at yourself, you just needed this to get some kind of closure, so you did what you had to do. You'll find many nice people (also around here), but the one person you should look for comfort from is YOURSELF! You can get through this, and you will Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhatSetsUs Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 @WhatSetsUs Sorry I stole your thread to answer FwdThinker, but I will use this same post to reply to what you said too! I'm really sorry to hear your mood is down, though that is understandable. Don't be mad at yourself, you just needed this to get some kind of closure, so you did what you had to do. You'll find many nice people (also around here), but the one person you should look for comfort from is YOURSELF! You can get through this, and you will Haha no problem, this is an open thread and I welcome any and all comments. She actually facebook messaged me about an hour ago. "Hey, what's up?" was all she said. Do you think this is a good place to just spill all my thoughts and feelings for her? What should I say? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I would take that as an opportunity to ask her to speak. Facebook is not the right place for such a conversation. (IMHO) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 thanks for the encouragement Irial. Yeah - these tix were also non refundable on his end. And there were more! But I feel he needs to learn that lesson for himself. I feel bad about the $$, but he chose it. He can deal. And frankly, he seems to be happy doing so. Sorry again for the hijack WSU. Let us know what happened. Either way - closure is going to be a good thing. I did not get that and have to give it to myself. Either way it's time to take control of the future without their input. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhatSetsUs Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 I ended up messaging her back with all my feelings. I told her everything I had been thinking and that I wanted to give us another try... I realize that it wasn't the exact venue suitable for the kind of stuff I was saying, but I'm sure she expected me to say something along those lines. I'm hoping for the best but I realize my chances are slim to none Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Keep us posted! May it turn out for your highest good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irial Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Got any news yet? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhatSetsUs Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 Well like I said I told her all my feelings. I told her I loved her and wanted one more opportunity to work things out...she told me that she didn't feel the same way about me that I felt about her. She told me she didn't think we should talk anymore and then wished me luck on my final semester... I'm very much heartbroken but I think I needed to experience this to know that it was finally over. I think the finality of the whole relationship will allow me to move on from this. I expect the road to full recovery will be a very long one but I know in the end that things will be better off for me. While part of me still wants her back, I know that I have to completely let go of that hope. In the past that hope kept me from fully moving on and it's why I always ended up back with her. But I think I'm gonna run with this and see how life can be now that I am truly single. All things considered, this may have been the "best" time for this to happen, since I have no idea where I'll be next year for grad school and that probably would have put a huge stress on any relationship we would've had anyway. Well, now what? hahaha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irial Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Well, that's really sad. I know how it is when you realize it's actually final. I also think you needed this to start moving on, so you wouldn't keep on torturing yourself and wondering. You will eventually let go of the hope as you start healing. I think it takes long for that to go away (I'm there myself, I sometimes still find myself hoping that someday, somehow, there'll be another chance for us!), but the most important thing is that you get back on your feet and find a way to live happily even without her. Well, now you keep on writing on here and chatting with us awesome people from this forum, and try to enjoy your life as much as you can It sounds great that you might even be somewhere else soon enough, for grad school, I'm very sure that'll help with your recovery as well. Besides, you're in your final semester, that's super exciting! Stay strong *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhatSetsUs Posted January 24, 2011 Author Share Posted January 24, 2011 Today is the first day of my last semester at college. Being back at school has been both a good and bad thing. I'm really happy to be back with all my friends and back to having a normal routine/schedule. I have new things to focus on and I'm hoping that it will make moving on that much easier for me. At the same time, I'm missing my ex more than usual and its because being back at school brings up so many memories of her. She's been in the back of mind since I got back here. I keep thinking about all the times we've had and all the future plans we made that will never come true... at times it really gets me down. Part of me is excited to experience new things and eventually a new relationship. The other part of me longs for my ex and wishes she would just come to her senses and come back to me. I know that I can't go back to that, so I'm trying my hardest to just continue to look forward and look at the situation optimistically. Hopefully this semester exceeds my low expectations hahah. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 You have a good head on your shoulders. I think you are really clear on what you feel and why, and that's half the battle. I hope you keep posting here too and step by step your new and happy life will take shape Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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