thali8 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I am SO confused about my FWB PLEASE HELP. I am a single mother to a 3 year old boy. I have been split up with the father for 2 years. I met recently a friend of a friend, and I really fancied and liked him. This is unusual for me, I rarely fancy guys. I hadn't looked twice at another guy since my split. My ex was horrible to me in a lot of ways and I suffered quite a lot. So I started seeing this guy, and after a while we had sex. Which was very good. This new guy, he makes me feel attractive, interesting, that I am a good person with a lot going for her. But i can't accept him as a boyfriend (don't know if he wants to be btw) One big reason is he smokes marijuana, as did my ex, and i SWORE i would never be with someone again who smokes, especially because of my son. He is a really nice guy though. there are even 3 more reasons just off the top of my head! age gap problem (I am 33 he is 45) that fact that he doesn't seem completely over his ex, the fact that we have a slight language problem, speak different languages but i speak his language nearly fluent BUT ITS NOT THE SAME. Can't really see myself with someone long term who doesn't speak English. Also is quite good looking and thinks he has a lot of women all the time that like him and he seems like a charmer...see i can go on and on! by the way, the one i really am against is the smoking marijuana one. it's one of the main reasons i split with the father of my child, how could i be so stupid to go into the same thing? This is what I am having a hard time with. I am so rarely free without my son, and when I am free I would love to see this guy, have drinks, have sex, hang out but a lot of times lately he keeps mentioning that he would like to hang out in the day with my son as well. for me its like what is the point Also the first two times we had sex i didn't sleep the night (i like sleeping at home and i don't want to wake up with him and have to talk and it's awkward etc) but he has asked me to stay the night. he asked the first time after sex and i just thought he was being polite, but this time he has said he wants me too well in advance so it is something he wants. i guess i am lost as to what i am doing. i am very attracted to him but don't want to get attached. he seems a bit uncomfortable with only meeting for mainly sex, he keeps pushing for spending time together too He has asked me when i am free to get a coffee with my son this week by email. so its now where i must either say something or just say i cant. i don't know - is fancying someone and having sex with them only OK for women sometimes? I want to be single and like I said there are reasons i wouldn't have him as a boyfriend. On the other hand, I really, really like him and am very attracted to him and him to me. I don't find that often. Think I have decided after my ex decided that's not enough, when there are signs for long term non compatability and issues down the road. I also am scared of: if I sleep the night in his bed, and we cuddle and everything, it's quite intimate, having breakfast etc it's all creating a bond. I think I will start to develop feelings for him if we start cuddling and sharing the bed at night. Even more, him spending even just a few hours with my son, well, he is a devoted single dad, and i just KNOW he would be great with my son, and seeing that i am pretty sure will make me fall for him a bit and daydream of more. One last question, this is for the guys out there: do you feel comfortable with 'sex buddy' or do you feel it's polite to also grab coffee etc from time to time. Does the fact that he wants coffee etc daytime stuff too, means he likes me or does it not neccesarily mean much ? very confused. please if you read this help me out with some honest advice. I feel like there is something i am not seeing. I don't get what I should do here!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Well, if he IS interested, is that a good or a bad thing? Sounds like you don't want him to be interested b/c you don't want him as a boyfriend..?? Why not ask him how he's feeling and if he tells you he's into you, you can break it off and explain your reasons...or you can agree to whatever kind of thing you want? If ultimately you don't want to be around marijuana, I don't see why you'd invite that into your life on any level. We all have our deal breakers and then some people start tricking themselves into unhealthy situations by making excuses to bend their own rules. Their *your* standards/rules, so the only person you're hurting by not adhering to them is yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 It sounds like he is filling a void you have for something interesting to do. How about getting a sitter one day/night a week and finding a book club/volunteer work/a pilates/yoga/workout class/dance class you like and focusing on that? This could be potentially harmful to your son especially if he is involved or gets involved in other drugs. Since it can't go anywhere and you have such huge responsibilities as a mom (my son is almost 2) I don't think it's worth all the risks (including the risks of STDs and pregnancy). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thali8 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Batya33 I do have lots of hobbies that i do on other days and nights, it's not that. it's that it's so lovely to be fancied and to have sex again, and with someone nice. but i don't want to integrate into my life. ? I think he just wants to hang out more, i don't think he is deeply into me, i just think he is more open than me that we could get on and maybe date more seriously than i want to. he does seem to smoke a lot less than my ex, only evenings, only sometimes, only on the balcony etc. i don't know. Also the fact he is 45 years old and the language thing, it just all adds up. This is whats hard. I fancy him. I get butterflies and I am really attracted to him when we talk I just want to kiss him. It's rare that I completely fancy someone like that. Honestly, it can be years in between feeling that for a guy. There were two friends that were interested in me after I split with my ex and i just felt nothing, i simply couldn't have cared less about them. Also i had a date in the summer and he was good looking and i just didn't fancy him at all. and recently me and the girls went out and hung out with some nice guys and i just didn't remotely fancy any of them at all. it really doesn't occur often in my life, this kind of attraction for someone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 It sounds to me as if he wants to take the relationship to another level. Ask yourself this .... do you want to be alone forever? If not then you are going to have to let your guard down at let someone in at some point. It sounds as if you have found someone who could be very special to you, should it be allowed to develop. Why don't you just open up to him and tell him exactly how you are feeling. He may be able to reassure you of how he feels or totally understand where you are coming from and so prefer to keep things as they are now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thali8 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Am I making a big deal about not wanting to sleep the night till the morning? is that actually nice? Do you guys like that or prefer when the woman sleeps at her place? a-little-blue i can't tell him how i feel yet, because it's too soon. We had sex 2 x and were friends before that. If i mention something at this point it would be weird. he hasn't brought up anything. he asks me for coffee and for walks etc, but he hasn't actually said ' i really like you' or 'i feel a lot for you' or anything near that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 OK, you have a point, thali. If he does make a point of asking why you don't stay over or why you don't want him to meet your son just yet, tell him you want to take things slower. Oh, and I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who would love to have sex without any emotional attachment and who would actually prefer the woman to leave immediately after but there are just as many men out there who want more than that and who would like to cuddle up after sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thali8 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 I don't want to fall for someone not right for me. It's like choosing passion over compatability and i have done that twice before, and twice it ended in heartache. i actually met a woman in her mid thirties once who was having a drink with me and my ex, looked at us and said 'i don't do passion anymore' for some reason i kind of got what she meant when she said that, and i always remember it. We were passionate, but also had a destructive unstable relationship .. Anyway, still don't know: whether to stay the night at this guys house, whether to get to know him in the daytimes that doesn't lead to sex.. and have no idea how he feels, i think i am seeming to him like all i want is a fwb, if he wanted more would he say ? i feel sooooo confused I did want just something casual, but then the fact that i am even on here posting means somehow even in this short time i am thinking about it from an emotional level, not just sexual. My worst nightmare is to spend time with him, start to fall for him, and he is just seeing me as a complete fling, and is just being polite by offering to see me occasionally in the day and asking if i will spend the night .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thali8 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 a-little-blue said: Oh, and I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who would love to have sex without any emotional attachment and who would actually prefer the woman to leave immediately after but there are just as many men out there who want more than that and who would like to cuddle up after sex. -- men what do you think? what do you like? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 The botom line is that if you want a FWB and he doesn't, then by continuing to see him you are using him. And you should not do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charity Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 i am inclined to think that the issues that you DON'T like about him are exactly what will break you guys up if you give it a shot. the smoking, the talk about other women, the language etc. he sounds sweet and i totally get that it can be soooo hard to meet someone who you really fancy like hell, but i think you need to listen to your instincts on this. at this point why not be completely honest? tell him you don't see anything developing but you like him and want to keep what you have the way it is. at least then you are giving him the choice to accept or decline that. be careful though, if you start staying over and he meets your son, it will be hard for you to NOT to get more attached and because of the reasons you don't see him in your future, this could lead to a drama filled relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I think you might find that you are more interested in more people when you have more going on in your life - so that having great sex and someone to cuddle with won't take priority over finding someone who is potentially compatible for a long term relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seymore Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Question for the OP, as I dated a single mother recently who decided there was no time to date, but found herself some FWBs instead of me... You have a young son. What is the purpose of a fwb to you? It's obviously causing issues in your life. Why not find a guy who you could have a relationship with? I know you said you don't have time, but when it came to the girl in my situation, I would have settled to go out once a week or once every other week, as I knew she wasnt always free but I liked her. But here you're developing feelings for a guy you know you don't want. Is this healthy? Do you need this drama, along with the responsibility of having a kid?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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