Celadon Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I don't know if something's wrong with me, but I'm finding it hard to let myself go with a guy I'm getting to know. When we're not together, I'm constantly analyzing the relationship and wondering if there are red flags or reasons why this won't work out. We've been together less than a month. When we're together we generally have a great time. We're very attracted to each other. We have good conversation. We laugh. He treats me well. We share some similar values. I know that you can't know someone well after less than a month, but I find it hard to let go and just see where things will take us. I keep scrutinizing our interactions afterward. I think I'm driving myself nuts. This could be part of the problem: For some reason, I don't feel secure with a guy unless he is EXACTLY like me. So this could be a trust issue. He's demonstrated so far that he is trustworthy. But will that continue? I don't know how to judge. I want to be wise about this relationship. I know this is kind of rambling, but does anyone have thoughts or advice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
guynextdoor Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 It seems like you are trying to fine flaws in this relationship, are you sure you are ready to date? If you are expecting this guy to be exactly like you then I'm afraid this relationship isn't going to last long.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bri427 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 relationships shouldnt take that much analyzing...my advice is always... "never look for a problem if there isnt one"...if things r fine now, then let it be. or u will inevitably push him away. theres no way to truly tell if someone is going to last or not. u just have to enjoy ure time while you have it i say stop over analyizing so much and allow ureself to have fun and feel soemthing. u cant control anyones intentions or action but YOUR OWN! good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 This is just relationship anxiety. Try to limit your time per day that you allow yourself to analyze the relationship. Outside that time practice thought stopping . Depending how well you are doing decrease the time that you are allowed to overanalyze. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
april15 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Do your best to be true to yourself and let things develop as they will. Have you had the expectations talk? What are you looking for? What is he looking for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celadon Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 It seems like you are trying to fine flaws in this relationship, are you sure you are ready to date? If you are expecting this guy to be exactly like you then I'm afraid this relationship isn't going to last long.. I think I'm ready to date, guynextdoor. The thing about expecting a guy to be exactly like me ... I KNOW it's irrational, yet I'm sort of plagued by that thought. I almost started a thread just on that. It's like an overly romanticized, perfect match, "you have one soulmate" kind of notion. I wish I could figure out where it comes from or what it represents so that I can get over it. Maybe by getting over it, I can give this guy a fair chance. (And similarly, I can stop being afraid that HE's going to find his soulmate in someone else.) This is just relationship anxiety. Try to limit your time per day that you allow yourself to analyze the relationship. Outside that time practice thought stopping . Depending how well you are doing decrease the time that you are allowed to overanalyze. Very practical suggestion, penelope. Thanks. I do tend to have problems with wandering thoughts. Do your best to be true to yourself and let things develop as they will. Have you had the expectations talk? What are you looking for? What is he looking for? Thanks. I appreciate the advice to be true to myself. Re: expectations, we've had one talk. We both outlined what type of qualities we're looking for in a partner. When you say "looking for" do you mean out of a relationship? I think we're both also looking for a long-term commitment, though we have made no promises in that area except to date exclusively. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 This could be part of the problem: For some reason, I don't feel secure with a guy unless he is EXACTLY like me. So this could be a trust issue. Me, either. I'm the only one that I know what to expect from. People are unpredictable(naturally). I don't handle unpredictability very well, I'm more of a consistency type of person. How about you? Also regarding red flags, I was telling someone yesterday that it's important to verbalize those to someone else - Most especially if you're someone who has come out of a bad/abusive/dysfunctional relationship. Our perception gets skewed, we are unsure about our own judgment, and we can't tell if we're reaching, having dejavu, or these things are true and literal red flags. Having someone objective to discuss them with really helps put things back into perspective. If something is bugging you that much, it's worth bringing to light. I think all people deserve a basic level of trust until they've betrayed you or otherwise done something else to mess with your trust. Don't push yourself to give more than that right now. You needn't lay all your cards out on the table and strip nude to see where this is going. Maybe just take off your shoes. And coat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
april15 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Sounds like you have all the information you need at this point. Just let things go as they will. Relax, enjoy yourself, try to focus on current happiness. Be the in the moment as much as possible. Three months from now you will know him much better, hopefully he is not just like you, that would be crazy boring. Shared interests is much better, and hopefully some new interests to try out and maybe discover some new things for both of you. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celadon Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 Thank you both. It has occurred to me, reading everyone's replies, that I need to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. To be fair to me, it's not like I'm NOT trying to enjoy the relationship or anything, it's more that I'm wary of all the ways in which he could disappoint or betray me. (Yes, holdover baggage from a past relationship.) I guess I just need to become completely open. I hear you. It's kind of disappointing that I've become so "security" minded. I've gotten frustrated when friends or family have been scared (in life in general) to change or grow. And here I am insisting that I find someone exactly like me, so that I can have that predictability. I guess the question is: How truly essential is it for me to have that predictability in the long run? BEcause it's one thing to want to be trusting but another to admit that, no, I really do need someone who is a carbon copy of me in order for me to trust. By the way, I do have a few friends that I've bounced my thoughts off of, and they've been helpful in bringing me back down to earth. They've told me certain things I worry about aren't deal breakers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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