Have told too much info about him to family and friends

[yelwed]

I have been seeing a guy for about a year which I have posted on here before. He lives 2.5 hours away from me and has a farm and I go up there most weekends that I have free. I will cut a long story short but he has been stressed out lately doing is normal job and his farm job and he is extremly tired. We would speak everyday on the phone but at many times he would not speak to me nicely.

 

I knew I had to do something about this as it went on for too long as I could no longer handle the way he spoke to me. I went up there last weekend to end it. I told him that I could no longer be in a relationship with someone that didn't treat me with respect. Also, he simply does not have time for a relationship at the moment as things are way too busy on his farm. We spoke a long time about it and he was very apologetic and could see where I was coming from and have decided to lay low for a while, not contact each other for a while, stay friends, catch up every now and then and see what the future holds. There is definelty feelings for each other, he didn't want to do this but he could see where I was coming from and I thought it would give him the opportunity to do what he has to do as he simply does not have time for a relationship at the moment. I thought I would be one less thing he has to worry about.

 

The problem is I am the one finding it hard to stay away. He has rang me every day since then to see if I'm ok and what I'm upto except for today. I really want to be with this guy but I also feel like I am playing games with him, well at least someone looking in would think that.

 

The other problem is that I have told family and friends what he is like, well they actually heard him on the phone once speaking to me and they were not impressed by his behaviour. Everyone has been telling me for a few months now that I need to break up with him and move on but I have found that so hard.

 

The things is as I have told too many people what has happened as I wanted advice but I have ruined it for the future should we want to be together in the future as I have told too much info which I regret.

 

What should I do? I want to lose all contact with him and then catch up in 6 months to see if feelings are there but I don't know if I can do that. I am so tempted to go back there but I know things won't change until his life is sorted out. Also should I worry about what others think if we do get back together as they know about his behavour? I have this gut feeling, they will shut him out. I want to ask him if we can try again but promise me that he wouldn't treat me that way anymore and if he didn't do that, that it would be over, no more second or third chances. Any ideas what I should do?

[sidehop]

I don't think this is going anywhere at this point, I would keep in touch as friends but no more. Whether it's because he's a commitment phobe or have other reasons, if he told you he doesn't love you after almost a year, it's basically a STOP sign staring at you to turn around and go the other direction. You may be hoping he'll change but I think you've given him enough time; he's just not at the same emotional level as you were in the relationship.

[lavenderdove]

So what will change in 6 months? If he's still going to own the farm and still be working a job, then his life will be the same. Are you prepared to move where his life and farm are? Unless you are willing to do that (or him give up the farm or the job), then things will be the same and all you've done is burned up another 6 months with no change.

[yelwed]

I don't think this is going anywhere at this point, I would keep in touch as friends but no more. Whether it's because he's a commitment phobe or have other reasons, if he told you he doesn't love you after almost a year, it's basically a STOP sign staring at you to turn around and go the other direction. You may be hoping he'll change but I think you've given him enough time; he's just not at the same emotional level as you were in the relationship.

 

He told me that he can't say that he loves me as he is careful with his words. I get the feeling that he does love me but he told me that he is frightened of getting hurt but I told him that those words need to be said in a relationship.

[yelwed]

So what will change in 6 months? If he's still going to own the farm and still be working a job, then his life will be the same. Are you prepared to move where his life and farm are? Unless you are willing to do that (or him give up the farm or the job), then things will be the same and all you've done is burned up another 6 months with no change.

 

I am willing to move to his farm, that isn't the problem but it is just the way he speaks to me. Do people change after time once they see what they have lost or will things go back to the same old way.

[yelwed]

My concern is if we do get back together, my friends and family will not be impressed and will not welcome him and will shut him out. I knew I should have kept my mouth shut but I like to speak to my friends to get their advice as I was so confused at the time. In time, will family and friends forgive him for what he has done. The other problem is coz he lives so far away, he doesn't attend any family or friends functions coz he is so busy which doesn't help.

[lavenderdove]

Well, if he has a farm far away and a job, he can't be expected to trot off to your mother or sister's house everytime they want coffee regardless, so you would have to learn to see less of your family if you get serious with him, or be happy seeing them alone without him. Many people who do live far from family only see them once or twice a year, so that would be no big deal.

 

You have to decide what is right for you, and if you are so attached to your family that you would toss over a partner based on their opinions, then you are not committed enough to the partner to be with him. Or perhaps are you afraid their opinion is right and he is a bad guy and you shouldn't be with him?

 

If you misrepresented him as overly harsh to your family, then you can tell them that is what you did because you were annoyed with him at the time and apologize for that.

 

But the real issue is do you think you want to take a chance with him or not? If so, then you probably need to move closer to spend more time with him, and if not, just let him go and find someone local. When you marry someone, they have to be MORE important to you than your family, because they are your partner, and your loyalty must be with him and not divided by anything your family may say or do, or the relationship will fail.