so who is the dumper here?

[katnip]

Hi everyone!

 

I'm a noob to the forum, i have spent some time reading around just to get a feel, and i think i comfortable enough posting.

 

I need some help with figuring out who dumped in my breakup. In a nutshell, I had been with my now ex for 11 months, feb 14th marked a year. Throughout our entire relationship he was just not detailed, he didn't give me what i wanted, which wasnt much. I just wanted some texts here and there to let me know he cares, a phone call at night and a nice card or letter every now and then. He went on a trip for a month and he didn't bother to make a phone call, he emailed me a couple of times and got on webcam with me as well, but, still....over all looking at the big picture, i was not happy whether long distance or local.

 

I am divorced, so i know what i want now, what i don't want and etc, this is just something i cannot compromise in a relationship. I was miserable with my ex because of his lack of sensitivity and he just never was affectionate or showed me how important i was to him(there was tons more to it than that but its not relevant). Seemed like story was gonna repeat itself, so i made a decision to break up with him.

 

on the day he got back, he sent me an IM saying he was home, and then he took a nap, got back online, and before i went to bed i asked him why he hda not called, he said he left his charger out of the country and the only other charger was at myplace. I said, but u have a landline...then i proceeded to just dump him on the spot. He requested to speak in person about us and i said no 3 times. He then went to bed and that was that. I took a box full of his stuff ot his front doorstep the next day, and late ron decided perhaps i should talk to him, SO, i let him know that im open to talking and he can come over in the evening. He said no. I tried to convince him (there's alot involved here, both our families etc so i felt we should) and he still refused, he said to stop messaging him. blocked me from IM. I emailed him that night to apologized for jumping at hi and breaking up without accepting to speak about it like a mature adult. I also explained how i felt and reminded him of everything and everyone involved and really felt we should speak because our problem is something that we can work on. No reply. He proceeded to be unavailable by phone, didn't charge it i guess for two nights. I tried calling him once each night. I decided to try and text him and he replied by saying, do not call me or message me, i will not read your messages or answer your calls.

 

that really stung, but i respected his choice. I just wanna know who is the dumpee in this situation? I am assuming me, because i asked to speak and he refused, turning things around right?

 

he emailed me tonight, to say he still had some of my stuff and if i needed anything (he's been helping me get on my feet after the monetary damage done by my divorce). I have been considering myself the dumpee, and as soon as i read his text that said don't message me, i have not. I blocked him from my facebook and an instant messengers, deleted him from my phone etc. I already told him that yes we can talk, and yes we can work at it and gave my feelings. That's enough.

 

I feel, if he wants to talk about us, and is interested in having me around, he will say it, not give me emails like that. However im not sure where i stand lol.

 

theres tons more to the story, but im sticking to what is relevant here. So what do you think? am i the dumper or the dumpee??

[Aether]

Well, I'd say that you are since you were the one who ended it. He is obviously very hurt. I had a situation where I thought the breakup was "mutual" to an extent, I say that in quotes because I didn't want the breakup but perhaps it was something that we both needed. Anyway since then he has basically told me that he was the one who brokeup with me making himself the dumper...which I can kinda see. It's odd because my ex sounds like yours, I was never made to feel like I was special or important to him, it's a complex story which is posted elsewhere on the site take a look and see if you relate to any of it.

 

I never came out and dumped my ex, just started a conversation which lead to us breaking up, at the time I thought maybe I would get support and encouragement but it didn't go that way...

 

I will come back after some thought later as I'm off for counselling in a bit.

[katnip]

thanks for you reply! the reason i'm thinking perhaps im the dumpee, is cuz i took back the not talking in person thing and asked him to meet me to talk, then he refused. I guess i wanna know where is stand so i know what steps to take next. As the dumper, am I supposed to do the NC the same way i would as a dumpee? o_O It's been 5 days since the breakup, and he did contact me tonight. However, i dunno if he contacted me cuz he cares about my wellbeing or cuz he's fishing around to keep me in his life(or both). If im the dumpee, then i want to just wait till he asks to talk flat out. If im the dumper, then perhaps i should reply, by just letting him know, yes I'm fine, u can leave my stuff at my doorstep whenever u can. Don't contact me again unless it's because you want to work things out.

 

he has always had a tendency to bring up any subject he could after an argument, just so he can break the ice. However, to me, this is a serious matter and not just a dumb breakup. Things have to change or i'm out. I do feel very bad and hurt the way he cut me out, not being forgiving after i apologized (im not even sure he read my email) while in the middle of other drama that he knows I am in.

 

what to do, what to do.

[abitbroken]

I agree - you ended it. You are definitely the dumper. He didn't dump you by responding negatively to your dump. Also, it seemed pretty final if you dumped his stuff on his doorstep. If someone did that to me, their actions would speak very loudly and to me there would be little chance they would want me back - OR I would consider that not a call to "talk about it" but that they've made up their mind. Maybe in your past relationship dramatic statements were what made the two of you have an open conversation, but he is not your ex. Every man is different and every relationship is new. You mentioned that your demands were few and he didn't give that to you - but you also mentioned he financially helped you. Some men have a communication style where they express love through supporting and taking care of someone. Some express it through doing things for another, or touches, etc. It seems like you were focusing on the small thing and not the big picture that he was showing you that he loves you, but not just in the exact way that you want it. There are many guys out there who do nothing but text all day long, but then that means that they probably text to others, too. So, in other words, if you feel secure in yourself, and confident that he loves you, you don't need a text. The text, when it comes because of his own thought to do it, will be the icing on the cake.

 

My boyfriend told me that guys are really "dumb" sometimes. I have learned that if something is important to me, nagging gets me no where. Suggesting something and saying why it is important to me or simply asking is one way to go about it, but the second way is to put yourself out there and start exhibiting the behavior yourself. If a text during the day is important, text him at a particular time during the day or call HIM to say goodnight and after awhile he'll expect it. He won't do it right away, but he might start doing it himself. Also, some guys just aren't texters.

 

Also, the other thing - about the trip. Sometimes when people are overseas they really CAN'T be in constant communication. I knew someone who went to china for awhile for work and the weird schedule of constant work he was on - there was just no way he could call home every day. Also, with the time zone issues, if he did have a moment it would be 4 am, etc, in the time zone where home was. And texting and calls were very pricey. Also, sometimes access is an issue.

 

A far as the charger - I know if my bf came from overseas he would want to get over his jet lag and be at his best to see me.

 

Anyway, this one looks like it will be very hard to reverse. Also you mention what you will put up with and not. I am in the same boat. I am divorced also. But please take a broader view. It is one thing to say that you won't put up with someone who uses drugs, that has a poor relationship with his folks, who has not completed high school, or someone who is looking for a casual relationship. or their worldview/faith is too different from yours. Or maybe you don't want to meet someone in a risky line of work, etc. But if something like texting is what "you won't put up with", that's a pretty tiny thing - but something that someone can easily screw up - so review yourself whether you want a relationship or are looking for a relationship where you can have an easy out when the going gets tough.

[katnip]

Hiya, thank for your reply

 

yeah i didn't post the whole story so i could just focus on the one question I have. The picture is much bigger. I did set an example, it wasn't just the texts or stupid stuff like that, the relationship as a whole was lopsided. I am open minded enough to realize that the way he shows love is different, however, he seemed to make almost o effort to just try and do some of the things I like. I was patient, i didn't bring it up regularly or anything, we'd just talk about it every few months, I e-mailed him etc. He knew where I stood ever since day 1. I felt I was always the one compromising, being patient, doing what he liked, I just gave alot and received little in return. You could say, I felt like I was taken for granted. Believe me when I say, I am THE most patient, sweet and nice girl ever, but, there's only so much I can do and take. He did many great things for me, which is why I hung around.

 

I do realize that his internet was limited while on his trip, but phones are not. I didn't expect a call every day, but ONE call the entire month? he wasn't in a 3rd world country. To me it just hows where I stand in the list of priorities. I'm not willing to babysit a relationship, I was the bigger person and apologized for jumping the gun like that, he shut me out. I have a little girl who is attached to him (we were planning for engagement once he got back, so like i said there's more to it lol, I just don't wanna post the entire novel yet), his mother and i spent almost the whole month together when he was gone, I have a relationship with her, and she has a relationship with my child, there's lots more involved here than just him and I. We had lots of things to do once he got here, and he just turned around. Told his best friend he hoped I found someone better than him and proceeded to change the subject every time that my name was mentioned. SO, even if I did break up with him, I would think he'd be more mature than that, he was warned beforehand, not like it came out of the blue.

 

So anyhow, as the dumper, what do I do? continue on with NC? he did try to reach me, i just dunno if i should respond, it's only been a few days...

[abitbroken]

The relationship was not as bad as you say if you had a tight bond with his mom and allowed your daughter to as well. Unfortunately, your actions were very final. He may have thought, since you were with his mother for a month, he didn't communicate as much because he knew that you were okay/being looked after. Also, what do you do about his financial support? You must end it and the mature thing to do would be to pay him back. He was thinking he would get engaged/marry you, so he supported you under false pretenses, or if he didn't support you, he helped you financially in some way. From his words to the friend, I would imagine that he felt like you thought he was not good enough or he could never seem to please you. I know gals like that where the husband doesn't feel he can ever make her happy. To me, the people who insist that they are compromising and patient are not - if you were compromising you would find ways on how HE expressed his love. If I wanted my boyfriend to text me, I would be SOL because he doens't text anyone. He was surprised when he got a text from work once and practically didn't know how to find it again once he read it. And he is not into little presents. But i DID find ways that he DOES express it and I look forward to those.

 

btw, i feel that you need to own up to your part in this. You say that you broke up with him, but he is not being mature about it. Well, dumping his stuff on the porch was not mature either. Maturity would wait until he got himself in order after coming home and then seeing how things went when he saw you and voicing concerns to him then. Or just admitting that you meant to dump him - that your actions were not simply a threat to see what he was going to do next. When people break up with us, we are hurt, angry, sad, and are allowed to be that way. If he blew off his best friend about talking about you, he is not ready to talk about it or feels that he doesn't want to bad mouth you by doing so, or is in shock over the whole thing. And why do you know what he said to his best friend unless you are checking up on him? That could be seen as a bit controlling.

 

As the dumper, you have to decide what the heck you want. Do you want to be done with him forever? Do you think what you did was a mistake and want him back? I think he deserves a response if he tries to get any other stuff back and he deserves a response about the money. But if he told you that he doesn't want to hear from you, then make yourself scarce for now and respect his wishes. I think in your case, I would respond to his initial contact because of these leftover loose ends but not unless you are willing to be listen unselfishly. For now, reflect on what happened and the relationship and yourself.

 

Also, what are you doing with the mom? Are you still maintaining a relationship with her hoping he comes around or to keep your ear open to what she has to say about him? I would stop seeing her for now as well.

 

really, I would have thought about the whole picture and what it means for your daughter too, as when you break up, she breaks up with someone, too? Were the texts, and the little stuff big enough to forego counseling and just end it? With a child, I think talking things over, mutually agreeing to end it and slowly tapering off his involvement in her life would have been better for HER. Or even if you wanted to dump him and be done with it, small contact would be allowed so she doesn't feel abandoned. But what's past is past. It is just maybe hard for you to remember that it just doesn't affect YOU but her too.

[katnip]

yeah, it was a good relationship when it comes to chemistry and how we get along, however, it was very lopsided. I gave alot of myself, and yes he helps me (let me clarify that isn't not with his money, he's a student and doesn't work he has helped me FIND support and stuff like that).

 

I don't expect him to make ME happy, as i feel that is each person's responsibility, to make themselves happy. I don't depend on anyone for that. I just feel that after all that I personally give, and I ask for so little in return, it should be something he can make an effort to do, and we have talked about it like i said, he has agreed, but still, no action. I don't feel it's petty or immature on my behalf, given that I have looked at the big picture many times.

 

yes I did mean my break up, I am not keeping ties with mom either, she hasn't called me , I suspect she knows something happened and probably will approach me later when i see her (we go to some study groups in the same place weekly). I will let her know, if she wants to see my child, she is welcomed to come over and if she wants to be my friend she can. I have thought about how it will affect my daughter, and the trip helped her wean from him. I didn't bring her into the relationship until a couple for months ago when we were speaking marriage, he asked to initiate a relationship with her so i let him.

 

I DON'T want to be done with him forever, I do love him and deeply care for him and his family, however I know that if things don't change it will be constant disappointment and I don't want to resent him in the future. I feel it's a good decision, but I am, very open to working on things if he's serious about it. I didn't want to brak up, but i just felt it had to be done, for my own good. He doesn't seem to value me much, and well, Im not gonna be a doormat, been there done that. I have had these days to reflect and see what I did wrong, I did go about it the wrong way and I already apologized to him for that, i admitted my mistake, and it's when he requested for me not to contact him. So I let him be. As far as his friend, well him and I are buds too, and he just wanted to let me in on it, as he feels it was harsh for him to just walk away without accepting my invitation to speak about it, because my child, and my family along with his is involved. I haven't spoken to his friends about him since, so i'm not checking up on him at all.

 

I will give it a couple of days to reply to his initial contact I suppose, he just wants to give me my stuff, also asked if I was doing okay and that my daughter is still welcomed there anytime. He also IM'd this morning me on facebook to remind me that he emailed me last night. He KNOWS that i get all me emails instantly on my phone and that Im always logged into gmail because of work, so the IM, I dunno how to take that. I do feel bad, but I also need a bit more time....

[penelope13]

I don't get why it is important for you who is dumper/dumpee - just some stupid title (although I totally agree that clearly YOU are the one who is responsible for the break up).

 

The only thing important to decide is what you want from this interaction in the long term and how to go about it maturely.

[katnip]

well at first I just wanted to know out of curiosity (I'm trying to distract myself here lol) and also, because as a dumpee it's important to keep a bit of dignity, not go after someone if they dont wanna be contacted u know?

 

yes I do need to decide how to go about it, and im not sure...like i said i think i will give it a couple of days, so that I'm sure what i wanna say. Then just have him take my stuff or give it to his mom for me. I dont think i shoudl initiate the "lets talk about things" because i did that when we first broke up through an email, and i feel if he wants to talk (since after all, he requested to not be contacted) then he should say so. am I right?

[penelope13]

You should maintain your dignity no matter who the dumper is

[katnip]

lol yeah, that's what i figured. I took the dumpee role pretty quickly when he shut me off. It can tho, be seen as a mutual break up of sorts, I dunno. I just wanted to know so I can handle it accordingly, the roles are a tad different as far as contacting and stuff, at the end of the day I'll do what feels best, but initially, it's good to know.

[penelope13]

No, this can't be seen as a mutual break up: you break up with him over IM. He tries to talk to you multiple times. Everytime you shoot him down. When you realize that you have gone too far, then you try to turn it around. It's quite understandable why he doesn't want to talk to you. Making yourself out to be a victim (or dumpee) in this situation is IMHO childish and doesn't bode well that you will find a mature way to work out your differences. Sorry for being so direct, but as long as you are not willing to look at this with a more unbiased view, you will not be able to work out what the best strategy will be that will work for both of you.

[katnip]

whoa nelly! I am anything but immature here geez. So i had an emotional moment, we all have the. I'd been away from him for along time, plus he had finals the last 2 weeks before he took off. he didnt try talking to me multiple times, he asked a couple of times during that IM conversation. It was done through IM as that is a big way we communicate since I work online and he's usually studying, we don't do tons of phone time or texting, we eitehr talk on IM or see each other.

 

I was only tryingto figure out where i stand BECAUSE it's not clear to me, yes i broke up with him, however he asked me not to contact him, then turns around and contacts me later....so im just a bit confused, nothing wrong with that. I left his box there because he has family over and since we are close (them and I) we mutually did not want to create drama, this is something we discussed for a couple of mins before I left, i checked with him first. I also did it cuz it would be harder to see him after all teh feelings were flaring and because he needed some of that stuff.

 

We aren't teens here. I have been very mature, understanding, patient and ect about his circumstances. I deserve to get what I need out of this relationship, if not why stay? Like i said, it's something that we can work on, he agreed to that. That's why I didn't want to provide alot of details about the actual relationship in this thread, the point was to figure out whether I was dumped or not, so that i can deal with it properly. It feels different.