drnutta Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Hi Guys, I've been seeing a shrink to help me through my break up... To actually try and figure out what I have done wrong. Today I had to bring in some emails and letters that my ex sent me to try and figure them out. My last email contact from my ex was that she cared for me and was sorry for what she has done... she basically jumped into a new relationship straght after. She said it was too late... she feels bad everyday for what she has done. You can perhaps dig up my story on here. Anyway the shrink basically stated that although she said to me it was difficult for her... it was much easier for her to get rid of me as she knows me better than the new guy. The outcome of her actions would have been easier for her to process. As she knows me... Also her stating that she does not want to play with peoples hearts... also it meant she did not want to hurt the new guy as it was easier to hurt me... even though I have been with her for nearly 6 years! I feel that I want to tell my ex that what she is saying in the email is contradicting her actions. I mean how can one say they care for you very much and then leave you? Also stating "Please don't change even though I have done this to you..." I feel like sending her a email... and letting her know what my skrink told me... Whats worse is I still want her back! Even after all this... Silly maybe... but I just feel I have wasted nearly 6 years and invested so much. What do you guys think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I think it's a bad idea. You will most likely not get a desirable response (if any), and at this early stage in your healing, a blow like that would be traumatizing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pennyloafer2 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 You can't tell others how to feel or how to act, you can only control your own actions. So I suggest you continue no contact. She has no interest in hearing your resentful accusations about her logic. You may be right, but it will not help you get her back, nor will it teach her a lesson nor open her mind. Resentment will be met with resentment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drnutta Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Its been 9 months in this emotional rollercoaster... She contacted me last week with this email above... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 If someone with whom I was through with told me "my shrink says you do this, that and the other thing for xyz reason", I'd tell my ex they could both bite me. Therapy is for you to heal. Although I do understand your urge, because when I was in therapy after my ex, I wanted to write him an e-mail and be like "Yeah, and my T says THIS, you ginormous liar!" But really...What for? He wasn't going to care. And it wasn't going to change what happened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhatSetsUs Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I don't think its a good idea at all. Sounds pretty vengeful to me and she'll probably be just get angry at you. Plus it will probably validate her reasons for leaving you in the first place and make her feel better about her decision to breakup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drnutta Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Just still even now not really getting any solid reason what actually happened... I mean... if you read my story... Been together almost 6 years... proposed... she said yes... a month later... she gets with new guy introduced by apparently parents and now apparently they getting married... that quickly... Reason... heh dogs?, She is confused... then its the don't change even though i have done this... I care for you very much... I love you.... but its too late... Your the best man I have ever meet... you have a big heart... dont ever change. Kinda getting mixed signals... which is difficult for me to figure out what exactly what i have done wrong... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevo Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I wouldn't send anything either, sorry. I agree that it will not result in anything positive for you. I was in the same boat. My ex is still trying to string me along with all talk but no actions to back up her words. Even last week she wrote that she wanted to discuss a future together. I stupidly broke NC of over a month to write "I'm open to talk about it". Since then just more stupid reminiscing from her and an "I love you". Still no phone call. Garbage. I loved this site at first but I got frustrated with the negativity that I found on here. But to be honest, the brutally harsh, "cut her off and move on" talk is the stuff that worked. I no longer want my ex back. My response that I was open to discussing a life together was just that. I was and maybe am willing to talk about it, but I don't know that I'd go for it. I wasn't jumping up and down when I read it, I didn't bother to post on here asking what she meant... I didn't care. I knew it was all BS anyway. She's either trying to string you along and make you a safety net, or she really thinks that telling you these things is letting you down easy (which I'm sure it is not). The best advice for me was to ignore her. The contact will become less frequent and eventually you can move on with your life. Telling her that she is all talk won't solve much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drnutta Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Heh hate to say this... but this former relationship of mine has given me serious confidence problems and trust issues now... something which might actually screw me up for years to come... OH JOY! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
law1204 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Just still even now not really getting any solid reason what actually happened... Well, the funny thing about trying to figure out other people's motives is that oftentimes...you can't. It's even more impossible if they themselves aren't even sure or don't know. What you DO know is - she left you for someone else. That is what happened. There could be a million reasons, there could be no good reasons; the best thing you can do for yourself is to just stay with therapy and work on YOU instead of worrying about what is going on inside her head, which no one can ever know anyway. There are things in this world to which there is no answer; what someone else is thinking is one of them. Kinda getting mixed signals... which is difficult for me to figure out what exactly what i have done wrong... The only signal that matters is that she isn't your girlfriend/fiancee/wife anymore. That's really all you need to know, isn't it? When the words and the actions do not match, the truth is in the action. But wanting to do the relationship autopsy is totally understandable and of course a good idea. Here's how a Men's Health expert did his. link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drnutta Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Your right Law1204... just feels rather weird... as in our 6 years together... we only had really 2 fights... which for me was stupid. 1 was her road rage... 2. she refused to go to the doctor for a wound that got infected... wish there was more now... and heh wish I was a bit more of an * * * * * * * to be honest just to justify things... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
law1204 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Not fighting isn't a sign of a healthy relationship just like fighting isn't a sign of an unhealthy relationship. It's all in how you resolve disputes. Check out John Gottman on that. If in six years you guys only had two arguments, I daresay there was probably a glaring lack of sharing or communication in the relationship, or someone was giving in to the other way too much and losing themselves, which isn't healthy and leads to resentment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drnutta Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Suppose we had our differences... but I would not consider them major blow outs... like swearing etc... Ah well who knows now... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 So are you going to try to use your SHRINK to bludgeon her with guilt to make her come back to you? If she's found another guy, she's found another guy! There may be all kinds of her own personal reasons why she chose to leave rather than stay in the relationship. If the relationship got too 'hard' for her and she got tired of trying to make it work, she might have decided to leave... that is what the shrink is telling you. But why was it so hard? Those things might have been things about the relationship that she really didn't like, that she couldn't or didn't want to fix, and she just got sick of beating her head against the wall and decided she'd try her luck elsewhere... I don't mean to be harsh, but you don't have pure motives in trying to have your shrink shrink her so to speak, when your shrink hasn't heard her side of the story... your shrink is there to help YOU let go and move on to a happy life, and i think he would probably be surprised to hear you were trying to use things he tells you privately in session to try to get your ex back or 'shrink' her in his absence, since he hasn't talked to her himself. Perhaps you should explore that with him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drnutta Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 frankly I've given up to be honest... sick to death of going and retelling my story... to the skrink that is... sick of her stringing me alone... saying really thinking about us... hate that i proposed and her accepting only to traded in and marrying someone else... hate whats happened... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lost Horizons Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Don't tell her, you need to go NC and now. You have to realise that you'll probably never get the answers you're after. Even if you did, they'd probably only lead to another series of questions with no answers. Have you been working on yourself since you split ? Just concentrate on making yourself as awesome as possible. Actions speak louder than words.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drnutta Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 I have been no contact till she contacts me and gives me these signals or mixed messages... Its hard when you have had a relationship this long and have lived together for that period... Most days i try and keep to myself... as emotions are up and down... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I have been no contact till she contacts me and gives me these signals or mixed messages... Its hard when you have had a relationship this long and have lived together for that period... Most days i try and keep to myself... as emotions are up and down... Stop taking her calls. Otherwise, every time you start on the road to healing, she'll just jerk you back down. If you want to tell her she needs to stop contacting you until you're over her, then do that. But you really don't owe her any explanations--she's with someone else. That's all the explanation she needs. Head high, and baby steps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dissapointed75 Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I feel for you. Your situation is even more hurtful than mine. 4 years wasted for me, no marriage proposals for me or new man for her. I would be furious if i were you and I'm bitter enough. Up and down like you said you are. You must force yourself to get out and doing interesting things. I met a female friend of mine at the gym last night who is a Psychologist. She said she would be bitter if she were me. Don't feel ashamed of how you feel as anyone would feel the same. I told my supposedly lovely caring woman what I thought of her behaviour and lack of logic and it did me no favours. She exlained that she has low self esteem for the way she has treated me and low confidence (still all about her). She uses my hard but true words against me now. It wasn't worth it. Yes I may have trust issues for a long time. I hope not though. I really hope you can keep busy (for years) and push through. I would have no contact with this woman if i were you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 Anyway the shrink basically stated that although she said to me it was difficult for her... it was much easier for her to get rid of me as she knows me better than the new guy. The outcome of her actions would have been easier for her to process. As she knows me... Not even a psychologist can tell you what someone they have not spoken with really "meant." Remember that sometimes when a relationship was over, it was over a long time ago before that in one or both or your minds. Sure, some people move on too quickly but for others, the relationship was dead for months. A natural response is wanting to "make someone realize" something and you can't. You can only deal with their words to heal. Also, I disagree with "if there are no fights, its not a healthy relationship." There are some people that talk when something is bothering them before it gets huge and before it turns into a big blow up fight. I think if people never disagree about anything or express a differing opinion, then that is a problem, but to say that you "must FIGHT" to be healthy - well, that's not 100% for every relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drnutta Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 I dont know why I have this desire to say I miss her or something to reach out... I know its stupid... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snoopydog Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Be strong don't do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
law1204 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I feel for you. Your situation is even more hurtful than mine. 4 years wasted for me, no marriage proposals for me or new man for her. It's probably better to view each relationship you have as a learning experience rather than a waste of time. Just because a relationship doesn't last forever doesn't mean it wasn't a good thing for you at the time, or that there isn't anything you could take away from it, etc. If you learned lessons from it and it made you a better person, taught you to be more introspective, taught you more self-control, taught you how to be a better partner, etc then it wasn't a waste of time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drnutta Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 I guess thats true... however how can you fault anything if you dont get answers... and if the other person says you have been the best partner etc... and when you look back... you would not change anything? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dissapointed75 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 Yep, you are on the money law. I've learned alot and improved myself as a person already in many ways Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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