Grace696 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I went to see a therapist last week, as I'm really struggling 1 month post breakup, and feel like things are getting worse rather than better. I think this is because the reality is finally sinking in and I'm starting to realise he's not going to change his mind and he's not coming back. Anyway, I told the therapist that I can't stop thinking about him, and my mind is constantly flooded with happy memories that are now very painful. She suggested that I try setting aside a daily scheduled mourning period, a half hour where I sit and let myself think about him, have the memories, and grieve. And then the rest of the day when I find memories coming up, I can say to myself, "Stop. Not now. Wait until the mourning slot." I was pretty dubious about this, and thought half an hour would in no way be enough, and she said I might even need several times each day. But I've been trying it for a few days now, and finding it helpful. I'm actually only doing 20 minutes a day, as that is all I think I can cope with. I feel scared just beforehand, like I'm not going to be able to cope with the pain, but somehow knowing that a) it's only 20 minutes, and b) I have a little bit of control over it by controlling when I go through this, really helps. It gives me some peace during the rest of the day. Not that tears and memories don't come up otherwise. When a memory comes up outside of the scheduled morning period I imagine a garage door or a blind coming down, that "shunk" noise a blind makes when it's released, and I tell myself that that memory can wait until the next mourning time. Sometimes this works; sometimes I have to have a cry regardless. But one interesting thing I realised is that up until trying this I haven't been allowing myself to mourn or to really think about him much at all - just trying to block it out and distract myself. And giving myself this time to think about him and cry makes me feel like I am doing something positive for myself to get through this. Like it really is just a process I have to get through rather than the end of the world. Each mourning period I go through is one more on the road to being healed and whole again. Thought I would share this in case anyone else finds the technique useful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I did something similar with the help of a therapist after the most horrible breakup I've personally ever been through. It worked great for me and I'm glad it's working for you! Best wishes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 that's great advice. thanks for sharing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace696 Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Thanks for the feedback, guys. Savignon, how long ago was your break-up, and where are you at in the healing process now - just to give some light at the end of the tunnel for us newbies? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy11 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Wow I thought I had seen the title of this post a little while ago but didn't click on it at the time, not sure why. But I too am seeing a therapist and tonight she suggested to do exactly this! So I searched back and found what the rest of you have written. I'm glad to know this exercise has worked for some of you. I'm going to try it tomorrow for the first time. My therapist suggested either an hour or just a half hour. Do you recommend I try starting with just a half hour? My ex-fiance' broke up with me 7 months ago, however he came back and begged for a reconcilation which I gave him, but then he "changed his mind" and about 3 days ago we broke up again... for good this time. So even though it's been techinically 7 months, I feel as if I'm starting the healing process all over again. I hope some scheduled mourning time helps! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peaceOfmind78 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Thank you for sharing. I have been waiting for someone to post something like this! I will try to set a mourning routine as well... But with my own little twist-- a glass or two of wine, music, ENA, and *weep~weep~ ='[ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosarioT Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 thanks for sharing this... the sec I have any thoughts about my bf I always block them away... I've been doing this for the past 2 months and I can't imagine what it'd do to me if I actually allowed myself to think about all those beautiful memories we used to share for half an hour or 20 mts a day... I'd be scare to even try... I don't want to remember how amazing he used to be not even for a second of the day and whenever those thoughts come to me, I always think about this movie "salt" where Angelina finds her husband dead, and she gives herself like 3 sec to feel that pain and then she moves on to kick some butt, ha ha it's a movie i know... but just blocking any memory with the word "salt" does the trick for me.. lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeepBreathing Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Grace, Thank you so much for posting this. I can't wait to try it out. I want so badly to move on and be happy. It's still fresh (things have been on and off since November, but it was this Sunday that he permanently ended it), so the pain is still very intense. I am constantly fighting the urge to call him, or to drive by his house. Thoughts of him with other girls eat me alive. I want nothing more right now than to move on and live my life again. I will be trying this method and getting myself to a counselor as well! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy11 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 I'm on Day #3 NC and I just tried my scheduled mourning session for the first time tonight! It was a little awkward at first, I was thinking "so what I'm just supposed to sit here and cry now?" But then the thoughts started coming, and the tears started flowing and it was easy. I journaled while I sat and cried and thought of our happy times and all of the times I wish I could take back when I made mistakes and what I would have done differently to try to save our relationship. It actually felt really good. I sat and thought of memories and thought of him while writing and crying for about a half hour and then I decided to spend my last half hour here on ENA. I see my therapist on Wednesdays and this was the "project" she gave me for the week so I'm going to try to set aside an hour every day for the next week. I have to admit I do feel a bit better. I was nervous throughout the day though knowing I was going to have to come home and cry and just thinking about what I might think about during that 1/2 hour made me anxious. However, I was pretty good at telling myself to postpone those thoughts and wait until the allotted time. It was hard to do, so maybe the thought stopping or thought delaying will get easier as the days go by. And now that I've spent my hour thinking about him and feeling sad, I'm going to spend the rest of the night doing things for me.... first on the list, working out, then on to making something good for dinner and drinking a nice, big glass of wine! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace696 Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 Glad to hear that some of you might get some relief from this. Daisy, personally I think I would find a whole hour too daunting, but I might do two half hour sessions a day instead. It's great to read of your hour ending with you going to do nice things for you. I find something about the scheduling of the mourning that feels like I'm taking charge of it, and even though it's painful, afterwards I can similarly be "right, that's that done, now to get on with my life". Rosario, I can certainly relate to the desire to use some sort of thought control to just not have to go through the pain of thinking about it, but I guess I believe the only way out is to go through. Perhaps not right at the beginning of a break-up - I'm 6 weeks in now. I don't know that I could have faced it at first. But I also figure that surely there are only so many memories to cry over, and only so many times I can cry over each, so eventually I'll run out of things that make me cry. Right? Whereas if I squashed them all down and didn't think about them, they would retain this dreaded power over me, and come bite me on the a** someday. This is my theory, anyway. A couple of other things I find helpful for this whole session of pain thing: I look after myself during it. I make sure I won't be disturbed. I get sparkling water and tissues and a nice blanket and get comfortable. I cry like a 2-year old until the alarm goes off. Then I do a guided meditation to relax and really calm down. And then I get up and have a cup of tea. Good luck to us all in these difficult days... We'll get through it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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