oscuro Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I have a girlfriend and although the topic of kids is WAY ahead of us, she's made it clear she doesn't want any -- ever. I can respect that but It makes me a bit concerned because i'm not sure where I stand on the issue. I'm not necessarily obsessed with the idea. I can just barely handle the topic of marriage now. Anyway, I find her reasons for not wanting kids to be troubling though... I think sometimes we all try to make powerful decisions heavily on the basis of pain, fear and emotion. My girlfriend was more or less abandoned by her mother. She also had to help raise her three siblings for a several years growing up. She feels very stressed and bitter about the entire experience. I'm not sure why but it's the only thing she cites when explaining her reasons. I can't help but feel that her reasons aren't objective and that being haunted by these feelings is not a good way to live. Does anyone relate to this? Does anyone else have experience with this? I'm not too concerned on changing her mind but I do think her conclusion on kids has more to do with her own past and less to do with the actual issue of children. Your thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Depending on her age and future experiences, her feelings may change (or not). It makes sense if she had a bad childhood that she'd be un-inclined to have her own kids. Sometimes that changes as we get older and sometimes it doesn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrKitten Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Whatever her reasons are, you need to respect them. If you're concerned she has an unhealthy view on families and parenting, maybe suggest she see a therapist. But you shouldn't be trying to "fix" her issues. Only a professional can help her come to terms with her past, IF it is affecting her. And even if she develops a more healthy outlook, she may still not change her mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Her reasons are her own and are valid to her. But before you become heavily invested emotionally with her (and her with you) you do need to decide whether this could be a deal-breaker for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Respect her choices. Don't try to understand it totally or change it. Just respect it. It's obvious that you're bothered so I suggest you look elsewhere for a girlfriend who wants kids or is at least on the same page as you. I don't want (and can't have) kids and id be very offended if a man came around telling me that my reasons for not were not "good" enough. Feelings are feelings. It's better to assume that she won't change than she will. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newwave Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Yes they can change. My views on this changed. I used to be strongly never having kids. I didn't want to ruin my body, I didn't want to be the one doing the majority of the childcare (most guys I met were chauvinist), I didn't want the responsibility. Now I want kids, but only if the guy would be a devoted dad who would do equal share of childcare. Otherwise, no. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oscuro Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 Respect her choices. Don't try to understand it totally or change it. Just respect it. It's obvious that you're bothered so I suggest you look elsewhere for a girlfriend who wants kids or is at least on the same page as you. I don't want (and can't have) kids and id be very offended if a man came around telling me that my reasons for not were not "good" enough. Feelings are feelings. It's better to assume that she won't change than she will. My issue isn't that i'm hankering to have kids. I'm not terribly concerned with the idea of having kids. So that's not my angle in this. In regards to respecting her feelings, I do and I told her. I think it makes sense she would feel this way. However I would argue that whenever anyone makes serious decisions solely on the basis of past pain and emotions, you're taking a risk. Her and I wouldn't be in our relationships if we were both too consumed with our earlier pains. I wouldn't be able to accomplish things in my life if I made decisions on the basis of being hurt in the past. I think that's simply true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown1607307972 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I don't want kids, I told my boyfriend that before we were even together. After being with him for a while I mentioned it to him again and told him that my views are strong and that if he is simply with me expecting me to change my mind then he should probably think twice about this relationship. The fact is even if one day I did change my mind, I still wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't take my opinions seriously and was just *expecting* me to get out of some silly phase. Whatever her reasons are, it's best to respect them, prying at them may simply offend her. Whether you think her reasons behind it are damaging or not, you should respect her choice. I don't think her life will be ruined if she never has kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
little_buttercup Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Hi oscuro, Your posts really hit home & I thought I'd share my own story. One main reason my ex & I broke up is that he wanted kids & I didn't. Through most of our relationship I had been ambivalent. Several months later, I thought it over & told him I didn't think I wanted kids. While he acknowledged that "it is a deal-breaker," we agreed to save the discussion for later. Finally, it reached the point where I made my decision: I didn't want kids. (Some reasons: No strong desire to be a mom, burnout from taking care of my nephews daily for years, genetic disorders, fears of pregnancy & childbirth.) We talked about it some and we couldn't agree. He told me that "Having kids is really important to me" & "It had been selfish of me to hope you'd change your mind." (Side note: He's also dealt with me making decisions based on past hurts. This was a long-running issue in our relationship, too.) So we broke up. It's been almost 9 months and I have to admit that I still feel torn up that he chose kids over me. IMHO, if you really want to be with someone, you'd be with him/her regardless of issues like this, because you love that person...but that's an issue I have to deal with. Do you think you could be happy with her without kids? Or do you think you're better off with someone who wants them? Give it plenty of thought, discuss it all with your girlfriend (& a counselor if you need to), & see where you go from there. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk about this some more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oscuro Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 I don't want kids, I told my boyfriend that before we were even together. After being with him for a while I mentioned it to him again and told him that my views are strong and that if he is simply with me expecting me to change my mind then he should probably think twice about this relationship. The fact is even if one day I did change my mind, I still wouldn't want to be with someone who wouldn't take my opinions seriously and was just *expecting* me to get out of some silly phase. Whatever her reasons are, it's best to respect them, prying at them may simply offend her. Whether you think her reasons behind it are damaging or not, you should respect her choice. I don't think her life will be ruined if she never has kids. Asking your partner for their reasons and their feelings behind an issue is fair. Especially if you want to have a more serious relationship. Maybe in your relationship you don't want to open up to your partner. In other words I don't think its inappropriate for me to seek to understand why my girlfriend feels the way she does since her and I both want to have a very serious relationship. I also don't think my desire to understand her is disrespectful (it sounds like you're saying it is). I think if she wants to understand my heart and my feelings, that's perfectly acceptable too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oscuro Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 I'm willing to accept it if my girlfriend doesn't want kids. If that's the case, I hope my heart doesn't change. I feel strongly about staying with her and respect her feelings. The only thing that concerns me is just the fact that she would make a strong decision like that so heavily on the basis of these past pains. The reason i'm critical of that is because I think those sorts of things can easily ruin a relationship. I have to tell myself not to give in to my insecurities, fears and hurts i've dealt with before. I wouldn't be able to be the sort of person I am with her if I gave in to all that. In our relationship so far, we've both had to come to terms with some of our earlier pains so that we could open up to one another. What concerns me is not the kids, its whether or not my girlfriend is being honest with what she really wants and if she's carrying too much of a burden on her mind that makes her decide against kids. I'd much rather she say she doesn't want kids BUT she's also at peace with the difficult topics on her mind. I'm not pushing her on the topic but I do feel concerned. I think sometimes people make decisions to avoid the emotional pain and not because it's the decision they really want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrKitten Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 You're not your girlfriend, nor are you her therapist. It's not your place to pick apart the reasons for her decisions and try to fix them. As I said before, if you're that concerned for her wellbeing, suggest she see a therapist. But if she doesn't want to, you'll have to respect that decision as well. Assuming she's a responsible adult, she'll address the issue if it's hindering her life when she wants to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oscuro Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 You're not your girlfriend, nor are you her therapist. It's not your place to pick apart the reasons for her decisions and try to fix them. As I said before, if you're that concerned for her wellbeing, suggest she see a therapist. But if she doesn't want to, you'll have to respect that decision as well. Assuming she's a responsible adult, she'll address the issue if it's hindering her life when she wants to. I never argued that I could fix anything. I'm just saying it concerns me if and when I see a loved one dealing with the heavy matters on their mind. She might need a therapist. She might not. If she is willing to talk to me, I'd be willing to listen. I think the catch is the last thing you said: If she's a responsible adult, she'll address the issue. It's very easy to find people in their old age who never tackled these big matters on their mind. I don't know about you but I've seen older people with regret. I don't think it's an issue of maturity or being an adult. It's about being closed off or not. The bottom line is, if I went around making decisions only based on my pain and hurt, I would not be able to accomplish anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrKitten Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I never argued that I could fix anything. I'm just saying it concerns me if and when I see a loved one dealing with the heavy matters on their mind. She might need a therapist. She might not. If she is willing to talk to me, I'd be willing to listen. I think the catch is the last thing you said: If she's a responsible adult, she'll address the issue. It's very easy to find people in their old age who never tackled these big matters on their mind. I don't know about you but I've seen older people with regret. I don't think it's an issue of maturity or being an adult. It's about being closed off or not. The bottom line is, if I went around making decisions only based on my pain and hurt, I would not be able to accomplish anything. There's a lot of "I" in your post. How YOU make decisions is not the same as how your girlfriend does. Regret and pain are part of the human experience. Sometimes we come to terms with it, but not always. But we all carry it and deal with it in our own ways. You keep sounding like you're trying to babysit her emotions and her mental state. If she is generally emotionally stable and happy with life, just let it go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oneironaut Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 What concerns me is not the kids, its whether or not my girlfriend is being honest with what she really wants and if she's carrying too much of a burden on her mind that makes her decide against kids. I'd much rather she say she doesn't want kids BUT she's also at peace with the difficult topics on her mind. I'm not pushing her on the topic but I do feel concerned. I think sometimes people make decisions to avoid the emotional pain and not because it's the decision they really want. I rather have to agree with DrKitten here. Her reasons for not wanting kids are not really yours to pick apart. As someone who is child-free by choice, I grew to despise having my reasons for not wanting kids psycho-analyzed as I went through my teens and 20s. I had my tubes tied at 29, but even now, at the age of 43, I still have people questioning my decision. I have even been called "selfish" for not wanting kids. I usually respond to such comments with tact and grace, but what I want to say is, "Who the HELL do you think you are, questioning such an important decision in MY life? Who gave YOU the authority to decide that maybe it's because I was 'mistreated' as a child, or I'm 'too selfish' to want to devote ALL my time and energy to being completely responsible for another human being for nearly two decades of my life and beyond?" I'm sorry if this comes accross as angry, but frankly, procreation is a VERY personal decision, and it galls me how many people in our society think it's somehow up for discussion. It is MY body, and MY choice, plain and simple. Saying that you think she's making this choice for "emotional" reasons, and that it may not be what she "really" wants, is condescending and arrogant, to be blunt. If you love her, accept her decision, and decide for YOURSELF whether or not it is something you can live with. If not, please do her a favor and move on, so she can find someone who does respect her choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unknown1607307972 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Asking your partner for their reasons and their feelings behind an issue is fair. Especially if you want to have a more serious relationship. Maybe in your relationship you don't want to open up to your partner. In other words I don't think its inappropriate for me to seek to understand why my girlfriend feels the way she does since her and I both want to have a very serious relationship. I also don't think my desire to understand her is disrespectful (it sounds like you're saying it is). I think if she wants to understand my heart and my feelings, that's perfectly acceptable too. I apologise if I came accross as rude, it was not what I meant. In my case there is nothing for me to open up about. I don't want children because I have a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (I have no idea what triggered that), I have many much younger relatives and have witnessed the difficulties of parenthood, It doesn't fit with my plans for the tuture I have and I just have no desire to be a mother. There is no emotional pain in my case, just a seemingly out of the blue phobia and just genuinely not wanting children. I am very open with my boyfriend, I don't mind talking to him about my fears, I just wouldn't want him to try and change me because he believes that my reasons are harmful to myself. A partner wanting to know why she feels the way she does is fair enough, wanting to *listen* to her thoughts, but what I meant to say is that you need to accept her reasons once you've heard them and not pick them apart. What I would find rude would be if my boyfriend kept on telling me my feelings were unhealthy and damaging when I am perfectly content with never having children. If you are curious to what her reasons are then it's fine in my opinion as long as you accept her answers. A woman who doesn't want children will often get her views challenged by people who don't take her views seriously, and even if your intentions are good she may find it offensive if you try and tell her that perhaps emotional pain is blocking what she really wants. We get "all women want children some day" forced down our throat by society and it makes us very defensive about the way we feel. If she's happy and stable then then it doesn't really matter if she never wants children because one can live a perfectly happy and complete life without them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetpea03 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 I never argued that I could fix anything. I'm just saying it concerns me if and when I see a loved one dealing with the heavy matters on their mind. She might need a therapist. She might not. If she is willing to talk to me, I'd be willing to listen. I think the catch is the last thing you said: If she's a responsible adult, she'll address the issue. It's very easy to find people in their old age who never tackled these big matters on their mind. I don't know about you but I've seen older people with regret. I don't think it's an issue of maturity or being an adult. It's about being closed off or not. The bottom line is, if I went around making decisions only based on my pain and hurt, I would not be able to accomplish anything. I don't think you will get much out of your girlfriend. She may not even know 100% why she feels the way she does, but it's still just how she feels. There aren't always clear reasons to our emotions and some things people just don't like to talk about. She has already told you she doesn't want kids and the basic reasons of why, so I would leave it at that. If you worry about her emotional state, then you can suggest that she sees a therapist, but don't try to be her therapist. People deal with past pain/difficulties in different ways and this is how she handles her own problems. If it is pretty much working for her, then let it be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KelleyKelley Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Her reasons are her reasons. If she does not want them, then well, she does not want them? Can you live with that or not? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrandyGirl Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 You might want to ask your girlfriend gently, why she doesn't want to have kids. And respect her wishes, just because a woman does not want to have children does not mean that there is something wrong. She might not ready or feels secure enough to have them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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