blitzkrieged Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 sorry if this is a little long So, There's this guy that I met through an event we both worked at about a month and a half ago. it started out great, he introduced himself, the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen, and was really trying to talk to me, everytime I came to work. Of course I was nervous but I was playing my cards pretty well and didn't act phased. he also seemed pretty shy at times, which I thought was cute and eased up my fears of him being a huge player. We hung out a few times and eventually after an awesome fun night slept together. He texted me the next day what a perfect time he had. a few days later he had to leave town for a few weeks for the holidays, but he texted and/or called EVERY SINGLE DAY, for 3 weeks more or less. This is where it gets confusing... He said some really sweet things, particularly confusing that he kept telling me he didn't want me to find another guy before he got back, that he just wanted it to be me and him.. I was happy to hear that of course so I went along with it. But now that hes been back, he only ever texts me at night to come over his house.. nothing nice, never to go out or anything. Doesn't say a word after I leave, till the next night. I guess I've been going along with it in the hopes that he would see how fun I am to hang out with AND because Im so hopelessly attracted to him. I don't like being treated this way and I feel like I've been tricked into this I dont think he's seeing anyone else but...still. What did I even do wrong??? Guys, any particular reason you would do this? This guys looks can kill so he could have ANYONE! so why use someone like that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 He couldn't have me just because he has killer looks -I declined to date many hot looking guys and I am sure I'm not the only one. It sounds like he said a lot of flattering/sweet things but did not ask you to be exclusive. Then you hung out and hooked up with him without him having to plan a proper date so the message you are sending him is that you are comfortable with the casual sex arrangement. It's not supposed to be an audition- wow that must be exhausting to try to "prove" that you're worthy/fun enough to be taken on a date -don't you deserve more for yourself -he is not a bad guy, but you are lying to yourself and that seems unhealthy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 The only thing you've been tricked into is thinking you don't deserve proper dates, meaningful conversation or that this guy is "out of your league"......and that's a trick you've played on yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taradactyl Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Men are like children.... (no really!!) they have to be taught how to treat a person. And, by allowing this behavior of him calling at night, and you going over there, he has no reason to think it is wrong. He is most likely used to this if he is as good looking as you say, but don't you find, that good looking people often become less attractive when you learn more about their personalities? If you truly believe that you deserve better, then don't put up with that..... I am willing to bet that once you pull away a bit, he will start to pay more attn to you..... Maybe you need to be busy next time he booty calls...... and see what happens from there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
babybear Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I hear you! I seem to get into these arrangements rather stupidly far too regularly for my liking and then wonder how on earth it happened and how do i get out? From my experience having sex with the guy immidiately seems to send off signals that you find casual sex fun and would therefore enjoy this arrangement. My past FWBs have always involved me sleeping with the guy right away. And I've asked 2 of my main FWB in the past "if I hadn't slept with you the night we met would you have seen me again?" Both said no. It's hard though once you allow yourself to get into this situation and you get attached, you believe if you have sex with them enough and act as cool about the situation as they are then they will fall for you. This has never happened in my experience and I have generally been treated extremely badly by these guys because the longer it goes on the more incapable you feel about speaking up about unacceptable behaviour. You become obsessed with trying to maintain the charade that you are not emotionally involved in any way and are totally cool which takes huge amounts of effort to keep up when it is a lie that grows bigger and bigger by the day. The more you sleep with them, the more attached you get and the faster they get bored. These relationships generally have an expiration date in my experience of around 2-4 months. The best thing you can do in my opinion is to be honest with him. i know this prospect sounds humiliating but I'd strongly advise you got out now before your self-worth gets completely trashed. You should ask him if he is only looking for casual sex and ask if there are any feelings involved. You have to tell him that if you develop feelings and get emotionally attached, then casual sex CANNOT work. Put yourself first because you deserve the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
22n32 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 When u gave the milk away for free.. there were no guidelines or expections. U were blinded by his looks and let him get away with everything, and the more he got away with the more he pulled away and did things on his term.. he is truly good at separating his actions and feelings.. I could never play someone like that.. if I fall for u, my feelings will be right there to back it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 We hung out a few times and eventually after an awesome fun night slept together. You did not establish an actual, official relationship before sleeping with him and that was where you first went wrong. Do not assume a guy wants a committed relationship after a few dates and then sex. Even being in contact constantly doesn't mean there is enough of a connection to want to make the relationship official. If you don't want to risk being someone's booty call, it is best to wait until there is actually a mutual discussion and agreement to be an official couple (not just sexually exclusive, but a full-blown relationship). Sex or no sex, several dates and constant contact does not necessarily mean there will be an actual relationship happening. It takes time to decide whether or not there is going to be a further commitment to a relationship rather than just casual dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Men are like children.... (no really!!) they have to be taught how to treat a person. And, by allowing this behavior of him calling at night, and you going over there, he has no reason to think it is wrong. He is most likely used to this if he is as good looking as you say, but don't you find, that good looking people often become less attractive when you learn more about their personalities? If you truly believe that you deserve better, then don't put up with that..... I am willing to bet that once you pull away a bit, he will start to pay more attn to you..... Maybe you need to be busy next time he booty calls...... and see what happens from there. I think he is treating her just fine - he is entitled to believe that she enjoys their arrangment since she continues to come over when he calls. I believe men, like women, can sometimes act like children -we all have our moments -but I would never want the OP to have the impression that men -as a gender -are instinctively rude or thoughtless and nor is the OP necesarily so insecure that she settles for what is unhealthy for her. More likely, she is blinded by lust, in a bit of denial, and wants the trophy of a handsome man - but is ignoring her equal desire for a real relationship -we've all made mistakes like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blitzkrieged Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 Men are like children.... (no really!!) they have to be taught how to treat a person. And, by allowing this behavior of him calling at night, and you going over there, he has no reason to think it is wrong. He is most likely used to this if he is as good looking as you say, but don't you find, that good looking people often become less attractive when you learn more about their personalities? If you truly believe that you deserve better, then don't put up with that..... I am willing to bet that once you pull away a bit, he will start to pay more attn to you..... Maybe you need to be busy next time he booty calls...... and see what happens from there. I don't know.. Maybe I am naive to think that guys know better and yeah, I've tried playing that game, ignoring his late night texts once in a while and it definetly works (to some extent).. all it proves is his human-ness. We all do that! lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blitzkrieged Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 You did not establish an actual, official relationship before sleeping with him and that was where you first went wrong. Do not assume a guy wants a committed relationship after a few dates and then sex. Even being in contact constantly doesn't mean there is enough of a connection to want to make the relationship official. If you don't want to risk being someone's booty call, it is best to wait until there is actually a mutual discussion and agreement to be an official couple (not just sexually exclusive, but a full-blown relationship). Sex or no sex, several dates and constant contact does not necessarily mean there will be an actual relationship happening. It takes time to decide whether or not there is going to be a further commitment to a relationship rather than just casual dating. Its hard though... Doing this just seems to take all the passion and magic and spontaneous fun away from the process, and it becomes just that: a process of follow up interviews. I wish people could just ginuenly like each other without ulterior/selfish motives... It really brings me down sometimes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savignon Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I don't know.. Maybe I am naive to think that guys know better They know better than what? We all teach people how to treat us (men and women, adults and children). He would naturally think you're happy with an arangement you keep agreeing to. If I invited someone over and they kept coming over I would assume they liked coming over and it's not b/c I'm a child or a dog or anything. It's just human nature. Positive re-enforcement= continuation of behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blitzkrieged Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 They know better than what? We all teach people how to treat us (men and women, adults and children). He would naturally think you're happy with an arangement you keep agreeing to. If I invited someone over and they kept coming over I would assume they liked coming over and it's not b/c I'm a child or a dog or anything. It's just human nature. Positive re-enforcement= continuation of behavior. Ok... point taken, but i've asked him point blank before if he was just using me for sex, and he said no way.. I've told him straight out before i don't wanna be someones booty call BEFORE sleeping with him, and he said "why do you think im such a tool bag, why are you thinking negative about me, etc." his words - men, women, children, whatever... leading someone on AND lying to do it, i would hope a decent human being would know better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blitzkrieged Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 I probably am just blinded by lust I enjoy hooking up with him alot, he already got me a little attached with all that mushy stuff while he was away.. And he will contact me everyday, or night I should say, even if I don't respond. So its like he's leaving the door wide open to me, but it seems for just one thing. its hard to say no when I want it just as much.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Ok... point taken, but i've asked him point blank before if he was just using me for sex, and he said no way.. I've told him straight out before i don't wanna be someones booty call BEFORE sleeping with him, and he said "why do you think im such a tool bag, why are you thinking negative about me, etc." his words - men, women, children, whatever... leading someone on AND lying to do it, i would hope a decent human being would know better Of course he is not going to say "yes you are just a booty call". People don't typically acknowledge that outright especially when they are horny..they will say anything not to ruin the moment. Also, you said in your response to my post that doing it the way I suggested takes away all the passion, magic and spontaneous fun..so maybe he sees it that way as well but doesn't see it any more than passion, magic and spontaneous fun. If you don't want to wait until there is a solid relationship and want the passion, magic and spontaneous fun even if you don't know if it will lead to a real relationship, then you have to accept the risks involved. By saying you want the passion, magic and spontaneous fun, you are agreeing to casual sex with no strings attached, just like he is. You can't condemn him for giving in to the moment no matter what the future holds, just like you are doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LillyLooWho Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Next time he calls you to come over, just say "no thanks, I'm not in the mood but maybe we can go out to the movies on Thursday (or whatever night). I'd love to go out with you somewhere." That way you make the point without having some big, serious, heavy conversation about the relationship. The difficulty with my approach is that you have to deny yourself the instant gratification of seeing him right away when he calls and instead, wait to see him on your terms. Once you do that a few times, he will start to change his behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I think your mistake is that you lack clarity. You haven't reached a clear agreement in your own mind between what you want and what you believe you deserve--so you're willing to settle for crumbs from someone who hides behind charm and is only willing to offer you crumbs. Once you gain clarity about the kind of relationship you want AND deserve, you won't be susceptible to the charms of someone who offers anything less. You'll hold out for however long it takes to meet someone who is genuinely interested in getting to know you--and with the same clear intentions you hold for getting to know him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Its hard though... Doing this just seems to take all the passion and magic and spontaneous fun away from the process, and it becomes just that: a process of follow up interviews. I wish people could just ginuenly like each other without ulterior/selfish motives... It really brings me down sometimes I think if you keep doing that, you are going to be unhappy with men for a long time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blitzkrieged Posted January 17, 2011 Author Share Posted January 17, 2011 Next time he calls you to come over, just say "no thanks, I'm not in the mood but maybe we can go out to the movies on Thursday (or whatever night). I'd love to go out with you somewhere." not a bad idea at all... thanks I think your mistake is that you lack clarity. Yeah, definetly. I jsut dont want to come on too strong since guys are suposed to go after you, if you're gonna be follwing some rules anyway. I was innocent for a long time, but its just come to be (over this past week) that I've started to know better. Really its just been 3 times that I've felt this way. 1. The first time was the day he got back, he came over straight from the airport after we had PLANNED this, him saying he wanted to spend time with me as soon as he got back.. but he he got back at night and well.. you know the rest. 2.The next time, he called, I came over and he tried to make a move but I said no. 3.Then the last time was yesterday night in which he actually tried to tag along with me and my friends early in the evening but didn't in the end because he had no way to get there. After the party I stopped by his house again cause I missed him and ended sleeping over. He took me out to eat like at 1am if that counts?? lol. He was even texting me when I was at the party saying, "so who were those guys last nite...." to test my reaction because I had a girls night out the day before (and ignored him). It made me think he cared. My point is his stupid crumbs give me hope and confuse me. anyway, I REALLY appreciate all the feedback. its enlightening to see non objective points of view. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 He doesn't sound like a FWB, to me. Given how much he contacted you, and his jealous/possessive statements, he sounds more like someone that quickly falls for someone, and then quickly loses interest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cursedgirl Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 from what i read,he used to actually talk to OP but now he just has sex with her.i think it's more of his fault,not OP's. if i were you OP.i'd take initiative. instead of waiting to be called,i'd call him only to come over to sleep with me.and not talk to him at all till the next time i ask him over again. although,however..i dont think you can make him your bf.he doesnt love you. sounds to me he lost interests as well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Its hard though... Doing this just seems to take all the passion and magic and spontaneous fun away from the process, and it becomes just that: a process of follow up interviews. I wish people could just ginuenly like each other without ulterior/selfish motives... It really brings me down sometimes Hmmm. My husband and I reconnected after 8 years apart. We felt sparks- lots of passion and magic in the air. We spent three platonic evenings together until he asked me if I wanted to get back together. Um-what's not romantic about that? Is it more romantic to say "um, I'm not going to be used for sex!" (seems pretty negative to me and gives TMI to the man -that obviously you've been used before and are bitter). Anyway, I said yes I did. We discussed how this would work since we'd be partly long distance. A week later he sent me a dozen roses for my birthday and a week after that on the date he planned two weeks in advance we shared our first kiss- major fireworks. We laughed, we had fun, we went for walks, hung out -whatever we wanted to do -but with the underpinning of understanding that we had mutual goals (to be seriously involved and see if we should marry). Interviews? Ugh -who wants that. But we did want to get to know each other of course and that included getting to know each other's values and goals and dreams. Conversation just flowed. If this sounds boring and passionless to you that's fine -but then I don't think you're ready for a relationship - you want the instant gratification of sex with a guy you find hot but can't be bothered to put in the effort to communicate clearly your intentions beforehand. I was 38 when my husband and I reconnected. I'd been dating on and off for over 20 years (and had had several LTRs). Because I was willing to express how I felt and willing to have those sometimes hard conversations, I was treated with respect and like a lady. And I had oodles of passion, romance,spontaneity and fun. Not the kind of spontaneity of "I'll be right over to give you an orgasm but I can't tell you when I'll call again" - that kind of spontaneity sounds nauseating to me. How about you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day_Walker Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I think that you have to notice the difference between a guy wanting to hook up with you and a guy who is interested in you more than in a sexual manner. Ultimately you have control over what you say and do. If you wanted something more than being a FWB with this guy then you needed to establish that you were looking for more than that early on. If you gave in to him because of his looks or whatever else then you cannot blame anyone but yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 It is is so much where you went wrong. You haven't done anything wrong. It is more about how things are panning out. A pattern is forming and no matter how much you try to make yourself come accross as this fun person to hang out with, there is no spontaneity and things could plod on like this for as long as you allow it. If I were you I would throw a spanner in the works and say "no" next time he calls you and see if that makes him sit up and take notice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaintWithLight Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Do not ask him questions like "Am I just a booty call to you?", of course, he will deny. He wants to keep this train rolling as long as he can. Instead, next time he calls, politely decline the sex and instead ask him to go to the movies with you the next weekend. This will force him to show his true colors. He will say something like, ah, well, sure.... Then as the day approaches, he will cancel due to some "emergency". He is only down for the free ice cream. No matter how you dress it up that the two of you have great chemistry and time together, if you take the sex off the table, he will disappear. How do you prevent this from happening? Realize that the whole FWB concept was invented by men to use a passive-aggressive approach to getting no strings sex. Their famous line is: "Hey, I never promised you...." or "Hey, I thought we had an understanding..." It is just an invitation for manipulation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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