Worried about ex

[tiredteddy]

Hi everyone

I am new to this forum and would really appreciate some advice. My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago.He is 35,I am 31.The break up happened after 18 months because I wanted some form of commitment from him but he felt unable to commit.The break up really upset both of us, and he said so many times afterwards that maybe it was a mistake to break up.We stayed in constant contact (which, in hindsight, may have been a bad idea) and I kept thinking we would get back together.We haven't.A couple of times, when I was finding things very difficult, I suggested we not see each other anymore.He did NOT like that idea and insisted he wants to stay friends.We have slept together a couple of times,most recently 2 weeks ago.When we are together it is lovely and comfortable and as if nothing has changed.2 weeks ago when he came over we talked for ages and he told me how stressed he is.He is doing a very difficult job and is away from home Mon-Fri.Also his mum, who is quite elderly, has been very sick in recent years and he is worried that the illness has come back.Before we broke up he told me he was afraid about the future because of his parents being so old and that sometimes he stops himself thinking about his future.He implied recently that this contributed to our break up and that he stil misses me.I have had very little contact in the last 2 weeks and I am very worried about him.He suffers from some depression and handles stress very badly.I dont know what is happening with his mum.I would like to be there for him but dont want to make a nuisance of myself.But i know that he doesnt open up to his friends or family,the only person he ever felt he could really talk to was me Its not that Im trying to ingratiate myself so that he will want me back (although I am still crazy about him), I just care about him a lot and he has been there for me since our break up.I would like to do the same for him.Any suggestions on what I should do?Thanks very much..

[watergirl10]

I think it is nice you are so worried. It seems to be the breakup is over him having too much too handle. But if the both of you are to ever recouperate from it, you need to go no contact. he is an adult and it is not up to you to help him handle stress. He needs to learn to turn to friends and family. If you become his therapist, that is the role you will always take, whether you are together or not.

Trust me, I know. And sharing such intimacy, will never help you two over the relationship.

[kuteknish]

It seems to be the breakup is over him having too much too handle. But if the both of you are to ever recouperate from it, you need to go no contact. he is an adult and it is not up to you to help him handle stress.

 

I agree with this... my ex was the same.. seemed like he had som uch going on and was falling into a depression.. I wanted to save/help/fix him and be there for him, but you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves... you will be dragged and put yourself on a back burner... I think it's best to go NC as watergirl suggests.

 

I have been broken up with my ex for over 3 months and I know he is still not happy, with or without me, but it's not my problem anymore.. I have to think about ME and you should put you first too.

[tiredteddy]

Watergirl10 and kuteknish, thank you. I have started to realise that I can't be responsible for this guys happiness,as you have both said.I guess I feel a bit guilty that he is going through so much on his own.But that is his own fault really.He has been so good to me since we broke up and insisted on helping me out at every opportunity...But you are right,I have nothing to gain from this situation.I have not contacted him in over a week (which is the longest we have gone without contact since the break up) and I have no intention of contacting him again.I need to start moving on properly.Thank you both for taking the time to read my story xx