allsunny Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 My ex dumped me, and I feel like I'm waiting for him to tell me he made a mistake. I don't have a lot of ex's, but most of them, if not all, came back. Usually not until a few years later. I feel like this one will not regret his decision, but I'm so used to having them come back that I feel stuck. I need to get over that mental block. I think I'm left waiting, because a month after the break up, he contacted me again saying he missed me and hoped I was doing okay. He never asked me back or said he regretted what he did. He seems to be moving on just fine though. That little taste of possible remorse made me think he truly misses me and wants me back. I can't see us together again though. I can't trust him. And he's been out dating other women and living like a single man again. He's not going to regret the break up anytime soon. I don't want him, but I want validation. I need to get pass this, because it's holding me back from recovering. Anyone have any advice or wise words to snap me out of this way of thinking? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 If you don't want him back then stop worrying if he will want to come back - that is somewhat self-absorbed thinking as if you are annoyed someone may be able to live without you after all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjbinks Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 I agree with DN and I think that maybe you need to take some time to get to know your own needs and wants better so you can feel more secure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allsunny Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 If you don't want him back then stop worrying if he will want to come back - that is somewhat self-absorbed thinking as if you are annoyed someone may be able to live without you after all. I know it's self absorbed and that's why I'm asking for help to get pass this. I don't really want him to come back to me, but more to say he was sorry for what he did (cheating) and regrets taking me for granted. I was so good to him. We got into a car accident, and I broke my arm. When I was recovering, he went out to strip clubs with his buddies. When I was still in the process of recovering, I still catered to him. I served him his food, even with one arm. I feel used and abused, and I want him to admit that he treated me terribly. But I know I can't wait for that to happen, and I need to move one. But some days, I feel so much pain, and I feel like one way to feel better is for him to admit he took me for granted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justaglimmer Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 Yes, I understand what you are saying. You were deeply hurt by the way he treated you and broke up with you, and basically you think that if he comes to you with an apology and true remorse, you will get some sort of closure, or feel like you didn't completely waste your time in the relationship. I'm very sorry for this tough time you're going through. But honestly, if you feel that you wouldn't want to be with him again anyway, just keep telling yourself "it doesn't matter." - because it doesn't. Every time you start wondering if he regrets anything, just keep repeating "it doesn't matter." The reason it doesn't matter is because he has already broken your heart, and now you must move on from someone who could treat you so poorly. Don't worry, this will pass. Eventually you'll have moved on with your life and it truly won't matter to you anymore. You'll be worrying about more important things soon enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allsunny Posted January 16, 2011 Author Share Posted January 16, 2011 This just made me cry, but I feel stronger in a way. The painful memories are still vivid and sometimes I feel like he tossed me aside yesterday. I keep forgetting that it doesn't matter anymore... He doesn't matter. Saying it out loud actually helps, because I need to remind myself that it's over and life goes on. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Validate yourself. I have found it helpful if I validate my own feelings. Example - When I have a thought about something painful, I say to myself (and often out loud).."Yes, I know this hurts a lot. You feel so betrayed. I am so sorry." Although I am a Christian, I learned this from a CD called "the Art of Mindfulness" by a buddhist monk called Thich Nhat Hanh. It is amazing how as soon as I do that - the feeling loses some of its intensity. I feel calmer. I feel I have respected myself on a deep level. I have acknowledged my own struggle. Hope this is helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seymore Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 I was going to say validate yourself, but fwdthinker beat me to it. Another thing is convince yourself that you WILL NOT get that apology, because it's almost for certain you won't. Then realize that he is not worth the energy you've spent on obsessing over this. I could sit here waiting on apologies from people from my past, but it's a hard fact of life: The entire world goes on after you're gone, and it doesn't apologize either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
90_hour_sleep Posted January 17, 2011 Share Posted January 17, 2011 Validate yourself. I have found it helpful if I validate my own feelings. Example - When I have a thought about something painful, I say to myself (and often out loud).."Yes, I know this hurts a lot. You feel so betrayed. I am so sorry." Although I am a Christian, I learned this from a CD called "the Art of Mindfulness" by a buddhist monk called Thich Nhat Hanh. It is amazing how as soon as I do that - the feeling loses some of its intensity. I feel calmer. I feel I have respected myself on a deep level. I have acknowledged my own struggle. Hope this is helpful. this is great! can definitely second this. validate your feelings. it could be the one thing you really can do in this situation. it's the doorway to liberation. truly feeling what you feel...acknowledging...accepting...even embracing! the feelings don't disappear...but like fwdthinker says...the intensity of it all is definitely a bit softer. soon enough...the pain just kind of loses it's energy. there's a tenderness there...but it doesn't really hurt anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nothisdoormat Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Fwdthinker, I wish I had come accross this validation self-talk immediately post-breakup. I would be further along my healing path than I already am. I'm going to incorporate this into my routine starting today. Validate yourself. I have found it helpful if I validate my own feelings. Example - When I have a thought about something painful, I say to myself (and often out loud).."Yes, I know this hurts a lot. You feel so betrayed. I am so sorry." Although I am a Christian, I learned this from a CD called "the Art of Mindfulness" by a buddhist monk called Thich Nhat Hanh. It is amazing how as soon as I do that - the feeling loses some of its intensity. I feel calmer. I feel I have respected myself on a deep level. I have acknowledged my own struggle. Hope this is helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allsunny Posted March 12, 2011 Author Share Posted March 12, 2011 I had to come back, because feelings of betrayal are starting to resurface. I've been doing pretty good by staying busy, however, these past few weeks have been horrible. I hate that he's happy, but it's wrong for me to not with nothing but happiness for him. I'm trying to find ways to get over this "self-pitty" and the need for validation. *sigh* I think I'm just nervous, because the day of the "traumatic" event before the break up is coming up in a few weeks. It would have been a year since the incident. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 That is called "anniversary grief" and is quite normal. I am sorry you are hurting. It will get better. For both of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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