Overwhelmed after cruel breakup

[peacetree29]

I am posting because the grief and pain is so overwhelming that I'm feeling at a loss. I'm trying to move on, but the pain is so intense at times that I start to think about ways to escape it...

 

After an 8-month relationship, I was dumped right before Christmas, in a weekend-long, passive-aggressive, out-of-the-blue way, in which the person I loved placed all their issues onto me, repeatedly set me up to fail, called me names, and then broke up with me over the phone. It should be easy to move on after being treated so badly, but I haven't been able to overcome the hurt (I still burst into tears several times a day).

 

Does anyone have good advice for getting through this kind of pain? I'm desperate and I feel like I can't handle it.

[Oneironaut]

I am so very sorry...I understand completely, having been dumped in a very cruel and ugly way myself, and via AIM. I was set up to fail, blamed for everything, called names...so I truly understand what you're going through.

 

In fact, I just got done posting on my thread, if you want an idea of how angry he had made me with all the emotional abuse I have dealt with for the last year:

 

...

 

My only advice would be to keep in mind that someone who TRULY respects you could NOT DO THESE THINGS. I've broken up with guys before, but as kindly as possible. Never have I resorted to the kind of crap they put us through, because I am a better person than that.

 

Allow yourself to grieve right now, because there's no avoiding it. Try not to think of the good times, they are memories that you can hold forever, but they are in the past. This person obviously has issues, and you are much better off without having to deal with them. And don't let ANYONE tell you that you have to "get over it" in a set amount of time. Everyone has their own schedule.

 

And most of all, continue coming to this forum and reading the threads. You'll see how many people are in similar positions, and for some bizarre reason, that is truly comforting for many of us. Read on how others are dealing with their heartache, you'll get some good ideas.

 

Hang in there, sweetie...you'll get through it, I promise. *Hugs*

[kalikat]

...Allow yourself to grieve right now, because there's no avoiding it. Try not to think of the good times, they are memories that you can hold forever, but they are in the past. This person obviously has issues, and you are much better off without having to deal with them. And don't let ANYONE tell you that you have to "get over it" in a set amount of time. Everyone has their own schedule.

 

And most of all, continue coming to this forum and reading the threads. You'll see how many people are in similar positions, and for some bizarre reason, that is truly comforting for many of us. Read on how others are dealing with their heartache, you'll get some good ideas.

 

Hang in there, sweetie...you'll get through it, I promise. *Hugs*

 

Truer words were never spoken. So many of us have gone so deeply into that black hole. I didn't think I'd ever find my way out. But I did - and you will, too. Give your self all the time you need to heal. Be good to yourself. Try to remember to eat something healthy every once in awhile. And sleep as often as you can. And, yes, continue to visit this forum. Everyone here has been so helpful & kind. It's like they help you carry the burden. It made such a huge difference for me. I think it will help you as well.

Take a deep, cleansing breath in. Push all the bad stuff out. And give yourself a hug from me, too.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am posting because the grief and pain is so overwhelming that I'm feeling at a loss. I'm trying to move on, but the pain is so intense at times that I start to think about ways to escape it...

 

After an 8-month relationship, I was dumped right before Christmas, in a weekend-long, passive-aggressive, out-of-the-blue way, in which the person I loved placed all their issues onto me, repeatedly set me up to fail, called me names, and then broke up with me over the phone. It should be easy to move on after being treated so badly, but I haven't been able to overcome the hurt (I still burst into tears several times a day).

 

Does anyone have good advice for getting through this kind of pain? I'm desperate and I feel like I can't handle it.

 

The pain comes more from having been disrespected rather than from the actual loss of the person. It takes longer to get over the sense of betrayal than it does to get over the actual person. It is easy to get over someone who has shown themself to be nasty and inconsiderate..but it is not as easy to get over their actions towards you. What you need to focus on is that if he did this to you then chances are he was not the decent guy you thought him to be and likely this is how he operates in life in general. So this is really not about you, this is about how he deals with things and how he interacts with people. In other words, to let go of the pain you have to realize that this is really his problem not yours.

[peacetree29]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I appreciate your kind (and sensible!) words very, very much. I was crying for hours, having another night of insomnia, and finally calmed down and slept after reading these posts.

 

After the good advice, I decided to add one healthy thing into my daily routine... I am starting small, but I think taking care of myself even just a little bit more is feeling good. I decided to drink a green smoothie everyday. It is really good: 2 large handfuls of green chard, 1 banana, 1 apple, a little lemon juice, and some water in the blender. I made plans with friends and joined a swing dance group. I think that this breakup is going to teach me about loving myself.

 

Thank you again, all, I was really lost and you helped me get through a really rough night.

[DaveTrump]

I remember the sudden outbursts of tears. Really terrible feelings but they do stop in time. Just let them out. It's your mind coming to terms with the initial shock. Well, I hope you are feeling better with each day that passes. Look after yourself.

[Mustachio]

I think you will find a lot of us here who were broken up with in cruel ways, myself included. I had been with my ex for almost 7 years (she was my first love, and all that jazz). We had a rough year after I found out she cheated on me (again) and finally she left me for someone else, only to get back together with me saying things like you are the only one I want to be with etc etc with promises that we would work on communication, etc. I planned (and payed for) a nice weekend getaway as sort of a fresh start for the two of us. She broke up with me that weekend the whole time lying about her reasons. Turns out it was for a guy who she had barely known a month and had already cheated on me with him.

 

As crazyaboutdogs said, a lot of it is about dealing with the pain from the betrayal and not as much from the loss of the person. I am still coming to terms with that.

 

But for advice, let the pain come, feel it, and dont dwell on the good that is lost. Start to focus on yourself, channel your pain into something productive. I rekindled friendships that had dwindled, started working out and started doing things for myself for the fun of it (bought a tv, bought a new car, moved, etc). In terms of doing stuff for yourself make sure you dont go out of your means and do anything destructive, but its all about you now. So the best advice I can give you is... live, live your life, and do it for yourself and no one else.