Anxiety controlling my life

[Rozzy85]

I've been having problems with anxiety over the past year and ever so often it brings me to my knees. Before I sometimes had trouble with anxiety but is was never a serious problem.

 

I've posted here a few times before about this. I have since had a few counselling sessions but decided not to carry on after that. They offered my cognitive therapy but I said I was OK and refused. I didn't really understand what it involved too.

 

I know my anxiety is triggered when ever something is demanded from me such as going to work, simply meeting with someone the next day or having to go somewhere with others. Tasks that cause more stress will make it worst. I then start thinking of everything that could go wrong and the consequences. This then cycles in my head and makes it worst.

 

I've gotten a little better at controlling it but it still effects my everyday life enough to cause problems. The main issue is it effecting my sleep. When this happens it can make it much worst as if I don't get enough sleep I know I won't have the strength to carry out said tasks the next day.

 

I was hoping that it'd just be phase I'd eventfully grow out of but not much has changed. It all really started when a girl I really liked at work left and making me feeling hopeless and starting to question my future. It was never about her specifically but just the feeling of love in general. This was probably the first significant event.

 

The next was when I had to take on a role at work which I found stressful and couldn't handle it mentally. This was when I had what I can only described as a panic attack and probably the worst day of my life. I felt utter dread and just couldn't think of anything else apart from work. I told my manager I didn't want to do it anymore and returned to my previous role.

 

For about 6-8 months after that I was generally OK with only a few bouts of anxiety causing any real problems. Christmas that year was ruined by work again as I had to cover the person for the role I did before again briefly. All I could think about was the work I'd have to do when I went back and just didn't feel happy at all.

 

My previous job role was then made redundant due to company restructuring and I was moved to another part of the company. This didn't have any negative effects on me and I had worked there for 2 months already. Then one night I ate some food with cause some digestive discomfort that night and I never went into work. This then started causing me to worry again.

 

I returned to work the next day and everything seemed OK. Then a few nights later I was working on something and ended up going to sleep real late (4-5AM) and couldn't fail asleep. My shift was 2-10 so it didn't seem a problem but then I started worrying about whether I wouldn't make it to work and thus the cycle starting again. I was feeling constant gilt of having days of work and this only made it worst. After 3 days I couldn't take it anymore and called work to tell them that I decided to resign. The job payed quite well for what it was and I feel stupid for letting it go but the stress was just overwhelming.

 

Now jobless for about 4 months the pressure of looking for other work started to cause more anxiety although not as bad. My parents putting pressure on me hasn't helped. It's not having to work that worries me but the demands of it by other people. I have now found a temporary role in delivering catalogs and collecting orders but even this seems to much for me to bare and again I feel the onset of anxiety again.

 

I'm at a point where I really don't know where I go from here. I feel trapped and helpless with no one to turn to for support. I've lost any friends I had and I'm essentially lonely now. I just see my life as having to go to work and that's it. This job I do now I don't really like but I like I have no choice but to carry on with it. The only thing that really has kept me going is personal projects that I aspire to complete but I can't work on these when I'm feeling down like now. My days just seem to be dominated by my problems.

 

Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock and cease the many opportunities I've had but let go in the past. I've always been too scared to socialize and usually avoided such situations. There's been many opportunities where I could have asked a girl out who seemed interested but was always too scared to go through with it. I'd most likely be a much happier person anyway. I've let too much time past thinking everything was OK.

 

My days are now just spent on the computer either playing games or doing something else. I never have anxiety problems here as it's probably my comfort zone I've gotten use too. Now that I feel threatened by needing to get and maintain a job it was worked my up and got me worried. I know that if I just quit this job right now I'd go back to feeling better. I guess the anxiety is coming from the fear of not being able to cope. I'm just so feed up with it ruining my days.