lancelot873 Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 So this is Lance again, my story is here: showthread.php?368034-break-up-help I basically don't know what went wrong, and she won't tell me why other than "it's what you said" and i don't know what i said. she's 20, i'm 23. i think she's a bit immature. and i shouldn't have taken it seriously. it was only for two months anyway and she didn't wanna label it as a relationship. I met her yesterday at a friends b-day party, and she completely ignored me. avoiding interactions, some confusing eye contact, but i acted completely normal and mature about it. but in reality i'm dying inside. she really broke my heart. this is my first break up i suppose. few questions i have: 1. how can i speed up the healing process? 2. should i remove her from facebook? 3. should i let her know that what she did was wrong? breaking up with someone without telling them why.. 4. what can i do to forget about her? thanks for taking the time to read. much appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lancelot873 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 5. should i write a long message on facebook telling her how i interpreted what happened? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
infinitesigma Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 I'm sorry Lance that you are going through this situation. Even worse is that she refuses to give you an answer. I'm going to assume you treated her greatly during the two months you had. So for her to display this lack of respect for you validates even more her immaturity as you had mentioned. My advice to you is this: 1 - Initiate no contact with her. This may not make the healing process become instant, but it does help. You need to use this time to find your self worth and realize that you are a great person. You'll soon find that she lost you, you didn't lose her. 2 - Yes. Facebook will do nothing but hinder your healing and cause resentment as you read her life playing out. Like I mentioned above, she didn't give you the respect you deserve so why show her any consideration. 3 - If you think that it will bring you closure, then yes. But you need to remember that she may not reply. Would you be okay and find that closure with a one-sided response to this? Most likely not, it'll just start a snowball down a hill and then you'll wonder why she didn't reply. 4 - Time and keep yourself busy. 5 - Do not interpret to her what you think happened. She has her own view of it and this will do nothing to change that. Again, I'm sorry you are going through this hurt. But remember, she is young and although over 18, did not handle this like an adult. Don't contact her, don't acknowledge her at parties. Become a ghost. Maybe she'll realize what she did and come back, maybe she won't. But this is her lesson to learn, you can not teach it to her. For now, accept that your self worth deserves better. Take this time to realize it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TidalWave Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 1. Realize that you're supposed to learn from the past, not live in it. That's what the present is for. People who are having hard time moving on, are not willing to learn anything. They stuck themselves in the past and try to relive it again. They think about all the good times, all the bad times, instead of taking a step back and seeing what the true colors of the other person really were. (hint, it's the actions at the end of relationship that tell you most) 2. yes. 3. Don't initiate the contact yourself. If she does, just raise above what happened and tell her she's pathetic. (or don't, the choice is yours) 4. follow advice in step 1. Then the skies will clear and you'll see a lot of opportunities around yourself on how to spend your time, eventually some of them will catch your interest. 5. no. She doesn't care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lancelot873 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 Thanks guys for the replies, they are somewhat of a relief. it just really hurts to be a ghost around someone you started to REALLY like towards the end of "it". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lancelot873 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 and i just wanted to send her a message on facebook explaining how i feel after what happened. i wake up in the middle of every night waiting for a text from her, because she used to send me late night text messages everyday. it just really sucks. i'm in my last year of university and i'm having trouble focusing on school because of this. last time we went NC she texted me after about a week saying she misses my texts. and i can't help but think the same MIGHT happen again. i'm really lost right now. i'm trying my best to stay focused on me, but it's just too damn hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TidalWave Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 and i just wanted to send her a message on facebook explaining how i feel after what happened. i wake up in the middle of every night waiting for a text from her, because she used to send me late night text messages everyday. it just really sucks. i'm in my last year of university and i'm having trouble focusing on school because of this. last time we went NC she texted me after about a week saying she misses my texts. and i can't help but think the same MIGHT happen again. i'm really lost right now. i'm trying my best to stay focused on me, but it's just too damn hard. The world is a wonderful place. It's just people who are sick and twisted in all shapes and sizes. Your happiness should always come first, whatever you do, whoever you're with, wherever you are. It takes a lot of work on your personality not to switch preferences, once you get closer to someone. If say you go to gym everyday at 5pm, and she asks you out at 5 pm then you refuse and suggest 6pm instead. If you ever get so busy that your schedule will be really tight, don't ever do compromises, your things come first and most of the girls you meet will in no way be just as busy as you, so they should adapt to you. You have to be a bit self-centered and selfish in this, and really strong about not compromising yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lancelot873 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 The world is a wonderful place. It's just people who are sick and twisted in all shapes and sizes. Your happiness should always come first, whatever you do, whoever you're with, wherever you are. It takes a lot of work on your personality not to switch preferences, once you get closer to someone. If say you go to gym everyday at 5pm, and she asks you out at 5 pm then you refuse and suggest 6pm instead. If you ever get so busy that your schedule will be really tight, don't ever do compromises, your things come first and most of the girls you meet will in no way be just as busy as you, so they should adapt to you. You have to be a bit self-centered and selfish in this, and really strong about not compromising yourself. but being self-centered is against my philosophy of who i see myself as, irregardless of what happened with this girl. i can't see myself as putting my priorities before someone i care about and like. i just want to be with them. be there for them. that's just how i am. how am i supposed to change that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TidalWave Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 but being self-centered is against my philosophy of who i see myself as, irregardless of what happened with this girl. i can't see myself as putting my priorities before someone i care about and like. i just want to be with them. be there for them. that's just how i am. You can always be with them and there for them, but realize that you have your life, they have theirs. You ought to live your life for yourself, not turn it into a mere participation in lives of others. Otherwise you'd giving away the greatest gift you've been given. how am i supposed to change that? Wanting to change is really all you need to do. The path will reveal itself afterward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poweroflove Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 1. Realize that you're supposed to learn from the past, not live in it. That's what the present is for. People who are having hard time moving on, are not willing to learn anything. They stuck themselves in the past and try to relive it again. They think about all the good times, all the bad times, instead of taking a step back and seeing what the true colors of the other person really were. (hint, it's the actions at the end of relationship that tell you most) I think this is one of the best well put advise. Usually i will hear things like don't think about the good times but focus on the bad times. That itself didnt sound reasonable because every relationship no matter how great has it's own share of good times and bad times, so focusing on one side only specially when it wasn't that many did not rhyme well with me. But what you said about focusing on how the person behaved at the end, how the person you loved the most selfishly chose to give up on you and put all the precious memories and bond behind is something i never thought about and i think might help during bad day. Thank you very much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lancelot873 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 You can always be with them and there for them, but realize that you have your life, they have theirs. You ought to live your life for yourself, not turn it into a mere participation in lives of others. Otherwise you'd giving away the greatest gift you've been given. Wanting to change is really all you need to do. The path will reveal itself afterward. but changing after something happened will show how much that person had an impact on me. i like to change WITH the person i'm with. if i do something wrong, i expect them to tell me, and i'll be willing to change then. but then again, she did say in the beginning that she doesn't give second chances due to her last relationship. i messed up once with her, asked her to reconsider and she did. this time i didn't beg as much. should i have begged more? as bad as that sounds... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lancelot873 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 my emotions are all over the place. i'm sorry for sounding like i'm not taking in your advice, but i'm really lost and this is still fresh. but i do need your thoughts on this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lancelot873 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 i guess i'm still in the denial stage. and it physically hurts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lancelot873 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 and now i started crying. great. i need to be some place alone. but can't find it. i feel like crying more but i live with my mom and sister. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WockaWocka Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 i guess i'm still in the denial stage. and it physically hurts. That sounds about right. Remember this was a woman who forbid you from asking her for a kiss during the entire 2 months you were together. Then after umpteen dates you broke her silly 'rule' and asked her for a kiss anyway. When she turned you down you started to protest and then she broke up with you right away. Unfortunately there's not much to salvage, because someone who wouldn't even let you try to kiss her was not on the same page to begin with (I mean saving oneself for marriage is one thing, but not accepting a kiss after 2 months??? It's highly unusual). It sounds like maybe you got your hopes up wayyyyy too much over this one girl and it's difficult to swallow how easily she cut you off. Unfortunately I think her willingness to end the relationship so quickly was a sign of how detached she was from the very beginning. You deserve someone who is more into you than that. When you fantasize about having her back, try imagining yourself dating her for a year and still never getting a kiss, maybe even having her break up with you a year into things for even asking. It's kind of a splash of cold water, yes?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lancelot873 Posted January 15, 2011 Author Share Posted January 15, 2011 i guess i did get my hopes up. i tend to do that. and like i said, i don't think she was detached from the beginning. she was very into me in the beginning. she got my number from some one, i didn't give it to her. i was cautious in the beginning. but eventually gave in. i guess i asked her out too early...i should have gotten to know her first. and for the record, i would be fine without a kiss even after a year, because i respect others wishes and comfort. i guess some people don't appreciate that. and when i think about asking her to come back to me, i think of how low i would be in the relationship. i'm so divided. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TidalWave Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 i like to change WITH the person i'm with. if i do something wrong, i expect them to tell me, and i'll be willing to change then. Who can really say what's right and what's wrong. That is only a matter of perspective. If you're willing to change according to what other person tells you, then you are consciously accepting their definition of what's right. You should come up with your own definition. Your thoughts should be leading force of your life, not thoughts of others. Furthermore, when doing anything, you should be doing it, because you believe it's right thing to do. but then again, she did say in the beginning that she doesn't give second chances due to her last relationship. i messed up once with her, asked her to reconsider and she did. this time i didn't beg as much. should i have begged more? as bad as that sounds... No. You shouldn't have begged more. Learn from your mistakes and keep going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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