Whatever happened to...

[3boys]

All of these "friend isn't speaking to me" threads (well, not that there are TONS, but the ones that there are) made me start thinking....

 

What happened to "talking things out like mature adults"? Why are so many adults acting like immature, spoiled brats lately? It's almost as if they don't get their way or don't like something you do, they're going to act like my 9 year old and pout? I mean, seriously!!!!

 

IRL, I am dealing with 2 such people....1 is my "former" (?) best friend...I say "former (?)" because I have no clue what is going on. The last time we actually spoke was on Christmas and it seemed like things were o.k. Since then, she has completely blown me off....won't answer either of her phones or respond to texts/voicemails/Facebook messages. It's all because I dared to point out a few things she was doing that I wasn't completely happy with. Maybe it's just me, but if I'm doing something that someone else sees as a "problem", I want to know about it, particularly if what I'm doing is hurting the people around me. Not her....she saw it as a personal attack, basically told me I had no business telling her how to live her life, and proceeded to point out everything I had done wrong. I responded by admitting that I wasn't perfect, she was right that I had done X,Y,Z wrong, and I was only trying to help her mend some of the fences she had broken in the past year or so....if she didn't agree with me and was hurt by what I had said, I was sorry because I never meant to hurt her, but I was entitled to my feelings and would always love her and be there if she wanted to talk. That was basically where we left things....and now it looks like our 30+ year friendship has been flushed down the drain, but I'm not going to stress about it because I feel in my heart that I did the right thing and maybe some day she will come around and see that I was only trying to help her.

 

The other person is refusing to even be in the same room as me for some unknown reason. A friend who moved out of town was back at Christmas and wanted to get a group of us together for dinner/drinks. She flat out told my friend that she would not go if I was going....no explanation. The same group (without the friend) is planning another get-together in a couple of weeks and the same person is refusing to go again if I'm invited...although, now her explanation is to "ask *me*". Now, I have all of the other women asking ME what I did to HER?!?! I have no clue!!!

 

It's almost like people are acting like they're back in high school or something! We want our kids to grow up to be "mature, well-adjusted adults" but I don't see that happening if this is the "model" we're giving them to learn from! We've become such a "throw-away society", it seems like people are applying that to relationships as well, be it relationships/friendships, whatever. Nobody wants to actually WORK out a problem, it's better to just walk away from it and pretend it never happened.

 

Is it just me or are others noticing this trend too?

[Cheetarah]

I find it rare to meet someone with whom I can express something that I'm not understanding of/unhappy with without them jumping on the defense. Granted - Not one person out there enjoys hearing that they may have hurt someone's feelings or even that they may have made a mistake. I don't like it, shoot. But I will hear it and once I get past the initial sting, I'll consider whether or not what they said had merit.

 

Recently I was talking to a friend about how little we get together these days. I said his work schedule could be silly sometimes(he's on call). He immediately took offense and felt I called his job stupid, and in turn, he was stupid. All I said was...Yeah, it didn't matter which way I explained it or apologized for inadvertently hurting his feelings. He had his mind made up and quit talking to me(momentary, I hope). But since I know him, I know where it roots from. He's incredibly insecure and doesn't feel good about where he's at right now.

 

I think that's a solid thing to keep in mind about people who can be difficult to talk things out with. Insecurity can and will overrule reason. So will an extreme attitude of "Take me as I am" - If you can't, then toss out the baby with the bathwater. I don't know if it's self-righteousness, or what. I'm just as frustrated as you are.

 

But I also believe that we need to know when to pull back, and polish our finesse. When someone gets very angry at me for expressing an opinion, I do look at myself and my style of communication. Is it possible I was rude? Abrasive? Overstepping my boundaries? A little self-righteous myself?

 

Ah, but with all that said - I'm with you. Tired of the baby being tossed out with the bathwater.

[phasegirl]

All of these "friend isn't speaking to me" threads (well, not that there are TONS, but the ones that there are) made me start thinking....

 

We've become such a "throw-away society", it seems like people are applying that to relationships as well, be it relationships/friendships, whatever. Nobody wants to actually WORK out a problem, it's better to just walk away from it and pretend it never happened.

 

Is it just me or are others noticing this trend too?

 

 

You have taken the words right out of my mouth. I just "broke up" with a girlfriend of 5 years. We haven't spoken to each other in 3 months. The reason?: Because she stood me up at a meeting place, and when I confronted her about it, she got defensive. Later, her friends dropped me from facebook, and when I asked her why, she pretty much told me she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. Then when I logged in facebook, I saw that she herself unfriended me immediately.

 

 

The truth of the matter is that I don't think that we were blindsided by these people, although this is how it feels like. I think that we must have been doing something that had been grating on their nerves for a while, and they (without confronting us about it) decided at one point - waay before we found out about it - to unfriend us. That is how they were able to move on emotionally. For some reason or another, they feel like they just don't need the friendship.

 

You are right - we've become such a throw-away society.

[InvisibleWound]

Sadly this is true. I am seeing more and more adult friendships ending and people just walking away. For the most part I have lost 2 friends because of differences I suppose.

 

However I was the one always making contact so I stopped for a good 4 months but then had to write them again on facebook. Its the same old they reply if they want to or don't bother. As far I am concered those people are not worth dealing with, that is not how friends treat friends.

 

The longest friendship I have had is with a friend of 14 years almost now. We have a decent friendship but there is some messy spots as well. We ussually get through it all though.

 

It seems like more and more people would rather the drama for they can gossip to other friends in some cases, because COMPLAINING to some people is something to do...

 

It is a sad, sad truth...

 

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through with yiour friend, ex friend. That is ridicules.

 

Well if they are not willing to talk and work it out, I'd forget about them for a now. In this day and age people don't need friends who are like that. It seems to me if their communication is poor then they probably are not worth saving a friendship with. Just my thoughts...

[3boys]

It just gets better....I just found out from a mutual "friend" that the exBFF told her (a while ago) "I can't believe she has the audacity to tell ME what I'M doing wrong when SHE'S *effed* up HER life so badly!!!" HUH??? I don't get where she gets off saying that I'VE *effed* up MY life....I'm the one who's never been divorced, has healthy and happy kids who aren't constantly in trouble (and in DESPERATE need of counseling), and I won't even go into the rest... I guess the mutual friend logged on to Facebook this morning and realized that the exBFF wasn't on her "friends" list so she called her up to ask what was going on...the exBFF said it was because the mutual friend hadn't unfriended her soon-to-be ex. The mutual friend said she had no plans to unfriend him because she's RELATED to him and the exBFF said "then I can't be friends with you, on Facebook or otherwise" and hung up!

 

I've just come to the conclusion that there's nothing I can do to help her at this point. She's just at a place where nothing ANYONE says or does is going to help. I'm washing my hands of the whole thing, I have no other choice....

[Galaxo]

At times adults decide it is over on their part and walk away and get over it. However some ex friends just cant leave it be and keep trying anyway (which doesn't help the situation get better!).

[3boys]

Well, I just wanted to update....

Came accross a Facebook post that she wrote very recently that was REALLY passive-aggressive that I hadn't seen. It was thinly veiled in song lyrics and obviously directed towards me because it had to do with a friend who has abandoned you and not wanting to hear what they have to say anymore and basically telling them to leave you alone. She had obviously written a comment about the person it was being dedicated to knowing the song (then deleted it) after the lyrics because a few people referred to it and she commented after theirs and said "nevermind...pretend I didn't say anything." I decided I really don't need the drama in my life so I blocked her. Maybe that's passive-aggressive of me, but I'm tired of dealing with her bs....I've tried to contact her plenty and SHE'S the one who never responds....SHE'S the one who blew me off when we were supposed to go out last month....and then she has the nerve to post something implying that I'M the one who has abandoned her (since I'm the only one she is fighting with who would know the song)?