tiz4tggr Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I have been dating a narcissist for the last 20 months. I guess I realized he was a narci about six months ago but I decided it was worth it to say. I'm a single Mom and he has been good to my Son. He isn't abusive physically and never says things to put me down or make me feel bad about myself. All I keep thinking about is the beginning....constantly being showered with affection and love...surprises and gifts. He made me feel like the most important woman in the world. Last night we got into an argument on the phone ( things have slowly deteriorated over the last year ) and he told me he wasn't in love with me any more. Half of me was hoping this man would be " the one " and that he was just going through a phase. He loved me but had personal things to deal with. The other half of me knew in my heart that he could never love someone else like they deserved to be loved. If you have broken up with a narcissist ....how did you move on? I'm so scared and feel along and sad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BirdOnAWire Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Good question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 You can attach a label to someone and people come with all kinds of different personalities and problems, but breaking up with someone requires you to do the hard work of separating from them as quickly and efficiently as possible, regardless of the issues involved. So if he has told you he doesn't love you anymore, then you have to accept that and work on letting go and healing. It doesn't matter what it felt like in the beginning, what it ended up like is the reality of the situation, and now your task is to stop being in contact with him entirely and focus on the future rather than the past. So break contact with him, settle any joint business you have left with him. Enroll your son in fun activities to keep him busy rather than focusing on the ex who is not either of yours anymore. Spend time with friends, and don't dwell on the 'what might have been's' because they don't exist. You need to protect your heart and your son's heart, and the best way to do that is to recognize that you can and will meet someone who is right for you, if you immediately start putting behind you someone who was wrong for you, and don't waste a lot of time ruminating on what might have been (but didn't turn out that way). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 remember a narisscist only has one love: himself. This man never really loved you. He kept you around because it was a benefit to him. He does not care about you. I want you to repeat the above again and again until you're fully healed. Of course, have NC and keep yourself busy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiz4tggr Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Thanks guys. One of the things that makes this hard is that we work at the same place, on the same floor. A narcissist is someone who will literally sweep you off of your feet and whatever rules you had before ( I'll never date someone I work with ) go out the window. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Yeah, they just don't care. Just remember that. I've dealt with a couple narisscists and I found it was a waste of my time to even be friends with them. Why be with someone who doesn't really care about you? Yes they are charismatic, but the feelings aren't there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmotionalCreature Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Start by doing whatever the hell you want? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiz4tggr Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 I think if you have dated a narccisist you would know exactly what I'm talking about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaintWithLight Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 You are giving this guy superhuman powers, it not that he is such a great person. He is just great at manipulation. A narisscist is actually kind of a jerk to be around. You made compromises with your value and he saw you as a single mother who was ripe for manipulation. Even when you were aware of his behavior, you weighed the options and decided it was still "worth it" and chose to focus on the early days. You assisted him in this step by step. You share the responsibility. Now you have hard work to do. Do not give him so much credit, it was the easy solution for you as well. It is too easy to say: I got trapped by a narisscist!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Being in love with an N is the worst. solution that works - No contact.!! Since you work near him; try to think of HIM as an object (as you are to him - nothing more than Narc Supply). Do not give him any space in your head. I heard a great phrase about what we do when we keep thinking about how it was or how it could be.. if only... - it's called "Living in the Promise." In o rder to empower ourselves to move up and out and forward - we absolutely have to live in the NOW of REALITY. Take it from one who has been there - too too too many times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiz4tggr Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 I think that is the hardest and the most painful part. Being put up on a pedestal and being told that I was the most important person in the world....that he had never been in love like this.....that I was beautiful and smart and his better half. I have never had someone care about me, my feelings and my needs ( or so I thought he cared ) that much from any man I have ever dated. It's a feeling of elation...almost a drug. If only they made a pill for that! LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 This is exactly what master manipulators do....they put you on a pedestal and make you feel so GOOD. But you need to remember, HE DIDN'T REALLY MEAN IT. That's why it's called "manipulating". By making you feel wonderful, he benefited from the relationship because you did stuff for him. The second it turns out not to be working for him (ie not getting what he wants anymore), he dumps you like a piece of garbage. Love is not about that. Your feelings are valid but you must keep in mind that he did not feel the same for you. You were simply a rock in his path. Nothing special, nothing worth anything to him. He said all those things to get what he wanted, and now he's gone. You were used. I know that's very, very difficult to realize this and I'm not sugarcoating anything. But once you realize that you really didn't mean very much to him, it makes it easier to move on. There is "what ifs" - he's a narcissist! He's messed up in the head and NOTHING can change that. It didn't matter if things could change completely because with the very nature of who he is, he would never really love you. You can do it. You will move on from this and find love with someone who truly cares about you, not this pathetic excuse of a man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiz4tggr Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Ouch! That stings. I hear you. All this just happened yesterday so it's going to take time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fudgie Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Ouch! That stings. I hear you. All this just happened yesterday so it's going to take time. I know it stings, it really does. I had to go through this once with a good friend who was a N. It was hard to see that she was taking advantage of me and didn't really care. But you know what? You're strong. You will get through this. Just read when I wrote above until you believe it and it doesn't string because you've accepted it. Just give yourself time and remember to go NC!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 search online for "Malignant Self Love - Sam Vankin. It's an eye opener. Remember this Narc is an empty vessel. The vessel has a hole in it. The more you pour in, the more it spills all over the ground - useless. so sorry. They are so totally damaging. Rip yourself out of there. he is toxic. I can promise you there is no alternative. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiz4tggr Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 That looks like a great book.....however $42 is a little steep for me. Maybe I'll try half priced books after work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiz4tggr Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Guess what I found? I love this quote...thanks for posting it!!! No man is worth your tears... and the one who is, wouldn’t make you cry... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fwdthinker Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I never bought the book either; there was a lot of q and a on the vankin website that explained how Ns behave in romantic relationships. Click around Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiz4tggr Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Good Idea...Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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