In relationships what matters most, what to look for

[jackp]

I don't have much experience with women. I know this one girl since two years. I am gonna ask her about marriage soon.

 

I know many couples who are always in love, even after 25 years of marriage for them they always miss each other, love each other same way that they used to do. Also I know some couples who are more like rival than lover, always try to outwit the other, always try to win whatever they both participating, always competing, threatening the relation, than one gives up and again together and some others who are stick with each other because divorce is just too costly or now they not gonna find someone, so cannot leave either.

 

My question is what this successful couples have in common. What to look for in relation when you choosing someone as your life partner. What to do people look when they choose life partner

[The_Seeker]

If you want the best of me, you can have that.

 

If you have the best of me, you have to see my worst.

 

If you see my worst, find a way to make me become and be better.

 

That's what I look for in a partner.

 

And respect as well.

 

Having all those, makes me feel willing to marry that person.

[Jd1983]

If you're looking for a long-term partner, you have to find someone compatible to you.

 

- You should have respect for your partner

- Trust is definitely key

- Communication is a must

- Sex (varies depending on person)

- Same goals in life

- Sense of humor (important to me at least).

- You have to be willing to accept your partner flaws and all.

 

There's a lot more, but those are the ones that go through my mind at the moment.

[Circe]

I won't really feel entitled to answer this until another 20 years passes.. but I do sometimes find myself reflecting on why my marriage feels as great as it does to me and I think that it really does come down to compatibility. We have the same relevant values - in particular, we both think divorce is the last resort. I know there was one point where I think many people would have walked.. and I said to him "what if I can never resolve this?" (at that point, what had been "our" problem became solely my problem) and he said "then we keep trying till the end of our lives" - he said it without missing a beat, with such conviction - and i know he meant it. I think a high level of commitment is necessary - not just to physically keep the relationship together - but to also make each party in the relationship feel emotionally safe enough to truly give all of themselves, be be vulnerable at times, selfless at times, assertive at times, insist on their needs at times and make sacrifices at times.

 

And having similar values in general is important so that you don't lose respect for your partner. For instance, I had a very close friendship with a female friend that ended because I lost respect for her over a clash in values. By values: do you care about others? Do you take what isn't yours? Do you respect others' rights including their right to privacy? Do you believe that its important to be honest? (now we all slip up in living up to our own values.. but allowing for people to be human.. do you in general believe in the same things and share your values? Because that will guide how you generally behave)

 

And then there are other ways you need to be compatible:

- Do you believe in putting family first or career first? If you both agree on career, you'll be understanding of each other and as long as you stay connected, things should be ok. If one of you believes in putting career first and the other believes in putting family first - you might risk a situation where one person starts to feel taken for granted and not understood and emotionally unspported.

 

- Do you have similar views about the work/play/rest balance? I mean housework, time spent doing stuff together (movies, dinner, travel, exhibitions, bike rides etc), and time spent doing your own thing. It doesn't matter what your ideal ratio of these things is - what matters is that your ratios are the same or similar.

 

- Do you agree about what is a non-hurtful way of resolving conflict and what is below the belt for your relationship? For instance.. swearing would be off bounds for us - but not necessarily everyone may find swearing hurtful. Raising your voice too loud hits a boundary for us (and the other always reminds the other that this is happening during a major fight) .. but for others - that may be completely fine. Treating the other coldly or giving the silent treatment is also "not allowed" in our r'ship. That's something I had to learn quickly. For me - disconnecting emotionally and going silent was how I dealt. But I quickly discovered this was enormously hurt for him because his needs, when there is conflict, is for us to be close. He needs reassurance. He needs to know he's still loved. So silent treatment or being cold is out. However - "time outs" - very limited periods of time, which we signal as a 'time out' - in order to cool down - is ok. It's limited and its understood that the purpose is not to be cold but to cool down.

 

I think working out a way of fighting, when you do fight, that does minimum damage to each others feelings is necessary. It's one thing to deal with the issue - its another thing to fling around insults or hurt the other person just because you are angry. That shouldnt happen and its usually incompatible fighting/arguing styles that leads to all that extra hurt.

 

- compatibility in terms of the big issues: kids, travel (are you done or do you want a lot more?), how to spend money, debt (e.g. how much should you ever get into in order to finance a house etc), how to raise kids, time spent with family post-marriage, how you relate to each others family and your own family post marriage, career (will someone be angry if the other stops working or downsizes their income earning potential?) ... being similar in all of that helps too.

 

- compatible sense of humour. You need to have fun every day and a sense of humour that is compatible with your spouses will go a long way in ensuring that. My H makes me burst out laughing several times a day. I think he's really funny

 

- being able to take it easy with the little things (it doesnt bother me when he leaves the toilet seat up, for instance. Its just not that hard to put it down. He doesnt get mad at me for leaving my hair in the shower. There are a number of little things in which we arent perfectly compatible - but we know these things are little and so we don't make an issue out of them and we don't get upset about them).

 

And then there's the good old personality characteristics and qualities. Pick someone who, as a general rule (understanding that in life there are always exceptions to behaviour and character) is:

- loyal (to friends and family)

- conscientious

- honest

- trustworthy

- respectful

- intelligent

- kind

- warm and loving and, if you enjoy affection, affectionate

- compassionate

- open to and able to respect different points of views

 

> Oh - and a reeeaaallllly important one (for me) - is that I have someone who is happy and comfortable mucking around and playing with me. I mean "play" in the kiddy sense of the word. Literally teasing like 4 yr olds, making silly sounds to annoy the other .. squeeting the butt .. tickling.. jumping all over the other .. picking the other up .. massive whale hugs on the bed. This might annoy another person to tears - but its one of the things I love the most.

 

However.. these are not qualities I was looking for, because the truth was, I wasn't looking out for anything. I just got lucky - but looking back and reflecting now - I can see that all of the above are qualities that I think contribute to things feeling as good as they do - and for our ability to get through more than one incredibly difficult time in our lives as well as we did.

[OptomisticGirl]

Someone who takes me for who I am (good and bad) and who can make me laugh.

[thejigsup]

You have to know, understand, and forgive each other. To do that, you have to be very much alike. I can overlook a lot of things in my bf, and he in me, because we are very much alike in how we react to things and how we think. We are both adult survivors of an alcoholic parent who was abusive. We react to things, and think of things, in a very unique way. Other people would probably find us hard to live with, we are perfectionists who are very hard on ourselves and others, but we understand where it is coming from and don't let it bother us. We are both very career driven and I know that many people would not be attracted to somone who worked 50 -60 hours per week, but we embrace that and admire it. So.....just be similar enough so that you understand each other. That is the key to it all.

[newwave]

I am looking for a mate and my requirements of what I wanted then and now have changed. Back then it was all about the looks. Now it's shared goals, values, and morals, not to mention interests.