Mind = Blown

[DannyC]

In any case it will help you get over her. Do not make my mistake and go back to an ex who has had sex witn another Man. It will never be the same again.

[BirdOnAWire]

Oh I know. I'm not dumb...even if she hasn't had sex with him yet she undoubtedly will. The finality of that kills me. I couldn't take her back after that dude. I couldn't.

[DannyC]

Sorry for your pain but I can say 90 percent she already has. Be honest with yourself, you know what guys are like and Women come to that. If she has seen him for a while they will be doing it. I don't mean to cause you pain just to tell you to process that and I know it is a killer but it could be the thing to move you on.

[BirdOnAWire]

Sorry for your pain but I can say 90 percent she already has. Be honest with yourself, you know what guys are like and Women come to that. If she has seen him for a while they will be doing it. I don't mean to cause you pain just to tell you to process that and I know it is a killer but it could be the thing to move you on.

 

Honestly man and being completely unbiased here...I just don't know. It wouldn't follow her pattern. Her and I didn't have sex until she completely let go of her other vine, her ex husband. And also, I was with her almost daily. I didn't see any signs of it dude. I honestly believe that she was courting him for months and when she had him secured, she let me go.

 

I just don't know though because she felt the need to tell me several times that they haven't had sex and she straight up told him that if that's what he's looking for, he's not going to find it with her. If they've only been talking for three weeks...how the F would something like that even come up?

 

Maybe man. Who knows.

[MissSMcc]

to be honest i wouldnt even think of ur ex having sex with another man, it will only cause u more pain. u know she has emotionally detached from u, that is enough without burning images of them 'doing it' into ur imagination.

[johnm3]

look at the positive: you have found your own closure, as you realize you will never be able to have what you had with her, after she is tainted by another man. nothing will change that.

 

I know danny's comment is hurtful, but he's just trying to make you see the reality of the situation, you can't assume the best; her just going to the movies with this guy, shaking his hand and going home by herself. you need to assume the worst for full closure, you need to lose all hope to move on.

 

for me, imagining my ex sleeping with another guy just fuels me to achieve more and more in life, so I can pity them instead of idolize them.

[Talulah]

I've typed up a seriously blunt and nasty email. I mean, it's honest but if she's in any way shape or form open to feeling anything at all, this letter could really hurt.

 

Should I send it? I want to make her hurt like she hurt me damn it.

 

I agree with the seeker, dont' send it, it will just give her fuel to come back at you to hurt you even more. Sorry to hear you're going through this, it is very painful, but it will go away and you'll meet someone else eventually and in time you will wonder what you ever saw in her. Go NC, its the best thing.

[MissSMcc]

maybe its just a guy thing, but as a female the idea of my ex sleeping with another woman (as devestating as that would be) is nothing compared to the thought of him really conecting with someone emotionally. from what u have said ur ex kinda down played her new relationship though, 'its only dating' etc. like he doesn't really mean much, he's just someone to go about with for now.

[BirdOnAWire]

maybe its just a guy thing, but as a female the idea of my ex sleeping with another woman (as devestating as that would be) is nothing compared to the thought of him really conecting with someone emotionally. from what u have said ur ex kinda down played her new relationship though, 'its only dating' etc. like he doesn't really mean much, he's just someone to go about with for now.

 

Definitely a guy thing. The thought of another man holding this girls hand makes me want to vomit. She was MINE. Now she's not. I'm of sound mental health so I know I obviously have to and will get over that notion but jeez...at this point, if I came accross them I might swing.

[Tiff13]

Just leave her alone. ALTOGETHER. i know its hard, but she is using you as an Ego-booster. She knows you still love her, and she is taking advantage of the flattery (very twisted way for her to think). Find an activity you always wanted to do, or something you love doing and submerge yourself in it, meet other women just to enjoy their company(nothing serious). Also, spend time with yourself..I tried this cool breathing technique that would allow me to calm down COMPLETELY whenever she starts to consume your thoughts or pisses you off. hope this helps

[johnm3]

maybe its just a guy thing, but as a female the idea of my ex sleeping with another woman (as devestating as that would be) is nothing compared to the thought of him really conecting with someone emotionally. from what u have said ur ex kinda down played her new relationship though, 'its only dating' etc. like he doesn't really mean much, he's just someone to go about with for now.

 

for me it's definitely worse to imagine my ex connecting to someone in a deep way like we did... physical is still very devastating, though.

 

I think it's natural to imagine them getting physical with others, but the sting from that image definitely lessens as you improve yourself and achieve goals.

 

when she first told me about the other guy, all I thought about for the next week was how lovely it would have been to have caught her betraying me and beat the * * * * out of that guy and spit on her... but as time goes on you realize the best revenge is the regret she'll eventually feel for losing someone so awesome.

[BirdOnAWire]

for me it's definitely worse to imagine my ex connecting to someone in a deep way like we did... physical is still very devastating, though.

 

I think it's natural to imagine them getting physical with others, but the sting from that image definitely lessens as you improve yourself and achieve goals.

 

when she first told me about the other guy, all I thought about for the next week was how lovely it would have been to have caught her betraying me and beat the * * * * out of that guy and spit on her... but as time goes on you realize the best revenge is the regret she'll eventually feel for losing someone so awesome.

 

Agreed. Problem is, her words are daggers man and she sounds like she truly resents me for things I didn't have control over. Yes, my sex drive was high. So was hers. She stopped becuz she stopped wanting me. Woulda been fine had she told me, instead she put up a front. So, when I asked for it every day...becuz I had to as she was longer jumping on me...I had no clue that she "checked out". I thought there was something wrong with me! Now, she tells me that because I wanted to have sex so much, it made her never want to have sex again for the rest of her life. Really? Someone walking by would've thought I forced myself on her or something! She's making me out to be a monster! And thats just ONE of the things that she resents me for. She places 100% blame on me for everything that lead to us not working out when if she was just honest we could've worked on things or she could've walked back then.

 

How will she regret her decisions if she seems to hate me? And hate me for things that I truly, never did.

[johnm3]

dude, all she's doing is trying to make you feel guilty; she doesn't like any of the blame to be on her for the relationship failing so she's trying to transfer the blame on you. don't give her any indication what-so-ever that her plan is working. not only are her excuses pathetic, they're absurd and completely unbelievable. the sex problem could have easily have been worked through if she was so willing; instead, she bailed.

 

don't analyze the reasons she gave you for leaving... the real reasons are embedded deep in her, she probably doesn't even know. my ex gave me about 5 different reasons why she wanted to reduce me to a friend, and had a new reason each time we spoke. it's so empowering to choose yourself over some devilish woman.

 

you were very good to her -- she won't forget it, I think she's putting on nothing but a front right now by acting cruel, she's defending her emotions, just as you did by acting cool/calm. there's absolutely no need to act cruel to someone who did nothing to hurt you, she just doesn't have enough class to treat you with the respect you deserve.

 

you need to send her a final message detailing you don't want to be friends, I held out for a week post-breakup to send it (I thought she'd get the message I didn't want to be friends by ignoring her contact, she didn't get the message) and all it did was delay my healing for a week

 

I'd suggest:

"Ex,

I don't want to waste my time or your's by continuing this toxic friendship. I respect your decision to explore other venues of life. You have my best wishes and my most sincere love.

BirdOnAWire"

[BirdOnAWire]

I was good to her...I even gave her and her son a place to live. How's she view that though? She views that as me trapping her and I did nothing but take her for granted cuz she was there. Lies. She cried and told me she had no where to go.

 

She actually brought that up too...she, out of no where, blurted out the date she moved in and said it was all downhill from there. Really? You say that out of no where? Ok, you moved in back in April...if it was downhill from that very day, why didn't you call rich daddy and have him wire you a down payment for a place? Why didn't you take the thousands and thousands of dollars he gave you when we left NY to move out then, since it was that trip that made you realize u were done.

 

I honestly don't think she's over her problems from the relationship. She's still bitter and holding on to problems that she never let me in on. This is becoming laughable.

 

Thanks for allowing me to vent so much everyone. Reading my posts, it seems like I already have everything I need to move on. Discussing it with people of no bias is more helpful to me than i imagined though so again, thank you all.

[BirdOnAWire]

I'd suggest:

"Ex,

I don't want to waste my time or your's by continuing this toxic friendship. I respect your decision to explore other venues of life. You have my best wishes and my most sincere love.

BirdOnAWire"

 

Im torn though here dude. Why let her walk away scott free and send her my love and best wishes while she's at it? Isn't that letting her get the best of me? Part of me wants to engage in these sick mind games and try my best to turn the tables...shes damned good though, i might not be able to hang. Another part of me wants to "push the red button" just to see what happens by going along with her plan...she wants me to bring her the same stuff she told me to burn because it was useless and she didn't need it. She wants me to do that Sunday...when I said she can meet me to get it, she insisted I come to her house. Then, a big part of me wants to just completely forget about her in every way. Then, the smallest part of me wants to empathize and save her...again. Too far gone for that though i think.

[johnm3]

trust me bro, I've been there. my sisters INSISTED I send a message similar to what I typed to my ex, and I was absolutely terrified because I was afraid of never talking to her again... I manned up and sent it though, and after she read it and she got the message I wasn't gonna be her doormat, I felt much, MUCH better.

 

if you're thinking of being her friend, let me tell you, I agreed to be her friend for 1 night, after she cried on the phone to me that she had no one to talk to, and I felt like such absolute * * * * I was ready to pull my hair out. It's so much better to deal with the heartbreak and moving on than it is to constantly wonder if her feelings are regenerating, what she's doing, is she lying, why is she cold, who's that in the background, omg shes being sweet does that mean she wants me back?... it was absolute hell, and the next day I sent the closure message.

 

she will lose ALL respect for you because she'll look at you as her boy-toy she can abuse and you'll still be there for her.

 

I don't think it's letting her go scott-free, really, what can you do to her to hurt her? nothing... it will just make you look weak and obsessed. the best thing you can do for her and yourself is to disappear from her life so she can feel the weight of losing a good partner and amazing friend. good friends are extremely hard to come by and good partners are even harder, she needs to learn this on her own.

 

it's a very hard decision to send that message, but in reality, with the intentions of maintaining your self-respect and building a healthy life, it's your only decision

 

you can change the message up of course, ask around for the most suitable for this situation. I personally would avoid insults, however. anger = you care = weakness.

[BirdOnAWire]

John, I really appreciate your wisdom.

 

I've over analyzed this situation to death and last night I went out and did my best to not think about it for hours. Well, with a groggy and half way refreshed mentality, here's what I gather and here's what I'm going to do...I think.

 

 

Her behavior Thursday screamed of her not being over the issues she had in our relationship. She is severely and quickly detaching herself from our relationship and latching onto a poor, poor man whose shoes I was in way back in early 2009. Lord only knows how long they've been establishing a connection...one that she could use to transition from me to him. Much like she used her ex husband to transition from a haunting past after moving 1000 miles away. Much like she used me to transition from her ex husband to me. Much like she's going to use him to transition to the next man. She's been doing this her whole life...it probably stems from not feeling accepted in her community or even by her own mother, whom she hates. She's from a TINY upstate NY town, she's asian and adopted and NEVER felt accepted, any where. This lead to dangerous behavior in college that got her really hurt. That lead to her life here which lead to what she did to me. Am I victim? No...I mean, if I know all of this now, I surely must've been aware of it when I took the chance of being with her. It's killing me to know she's someone elses baby now but realistically, it's so evident what she's doing, this relationship won't last long at all and the next one won't either.

 

I wasn't worthless...I gave this woman my heart and soul and showed her every single day that no matter what happened in this life, there was one thing she could depend on...I'd always be there. She took me and that fact for granted and because of her under lying mental issues, she would tell me all the time how I took her for granted. She felt guilt for the way she was thinking about me and treating me and I guess, tried to transfer that over to me. She had me convinced for so long that I was taking her for granted too but the more I look back...the more I see how loving I was and how hard I had to work to keep her even keeled or ok. I took the role of the protector and it's hard to let that go. In reality, I believe that it was just the fact that I had so much love for her, it was enough to carry the realtionship by itself. I had the whole thing on my back for so long...of course I broke down.

 

I had a surgery in July that didn't go well and she came to see me in the hospital...once. Then, as I laid at home in bed for two weeks with nothing to do and no one to talk to, she was out running around. My own mother became inqusitive about this and my ex's reply was that she had to take care of her self and her son. Oh, but wait, she said that as she was going out to go shopping...not spend time with her son. All I wanted was her to hug me and sit with me. She didn't though...so I played video games and watched movies all day. She then yelled at me for that and made sure to tell me that I was placing video games above her. How? I was so afraid of losing the love that I lost myself in her.

 

Ok, enough digging up the past. On to my plan.

 

I'm going to confront her. I can't stand for this. I am not another face in the crowd. I am not another victim on her list. I can not and will not sit idle while she smiles and walks away thinking she can string me along as a safe house. What we had may not mean anything to her now...or so she'd like to convince her self...but it was real to me. I can see it in her eyes too, I can feel it. I'm extremely perceptive...it's freaked her out several times how I could literally just ''feel'' what's hiding under the label. In hindsight, I even seen it a year ago!! I was just so afraid to lose someone I cared so much for that I didn't do what was right back then. Here's the kicker though...with the way her mind is and the fact that she's already moved on from me to another man...my words may not land with the force that I would like. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that she will remember though. She will hear me and remember every word I say and when her life has fallen victim to her own selfish patterns, she will look back and remember those words and they will shake her to her core and I will not be there to pick her up again. I'm not going to be hurtful and I'm not going to throw in her face what she's done but I will remind her to look at the signs of her own behavior. I'm someone who talked her through and taught her how to deal with her demons. She remembers conversations we had almost two years ago. She listens when I speak and now I'm done speaking on behalf of my selfish ''need'' to have her.

 

I don't know what exactly I'll say and when I see her I know my heart will race and I'll second guess it all. I know the real person she is now and it's the same person she was before I pulled her out of the shallow grave she dug. I know who she became for a time and she was beautiful and I honestly would take that person back in a heart beat, even after all of this...if she could ever get back to that. I would help her but she'd have to be 1000% willing to help herself. If she's content with her life and how she lives it then my words will fall on deaf ears. My heart can't break any more though so that rejection does not scare me in any way. Every conversation we've had for the last two months has been focused on her. What I can do for her, to be with her, how life's treating her, who's dating her, if I'm going to be a friend to her, if I could ever be good enough for her. Her feelings of resentment and bitterness! Her, her, her!

 

This just became about me.

[johnm3]

I know you want to confront her, I'd love to confront my ex too and tell her how badly she used, abused and threw me away too... but this will have the opposite effect of what you are looking for. you're trying to find some comfort in someone who doesn't have any comfort to offer to you anymore, it will only make matters worse.

 

she cheated on you and used you, nothing will ever change this, but you don't have to deal someone who does that, and the first step to get that person out of your life is a mature closure letter.

 

no amount of words in the universe could cause her to change; she NEEDS to experience failures before she ever even considers changing for the better. after you say whatever you want to say, you'll most likely have the urge to do it again.

 

again, I highly recommend wishing her well in her new life and disappearing

[BirdOnAWire]

Very sound advice. Thanks a lot for following this ten page rant dude. I'm sorry that you can relate to this but it is good to know that someone has been in my position before and has the same thoughts and emotions on the subject.

 

Respect.