MissSMcc Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 did anything happen that could've st off a change in her? outside the relationship i mean, losing a job, a family member, something like that? i have much of the same questions as you regarding my own break up.. why did he agree we should start planning our wedding, why did he plan days out, tell me he loved me, encourage me to buy a wedding dress etc if he was already checking out of the relationship. the truth is, i dont know why he did any of those things, and i may never get the answers. like your ex, mine changed massively in a short space of time. you may not get all the answers you want/need either. the fact is she has changed, and if she wont be forthcoming with her reasons, and try to get her old self back, theres nothing you can do. i know how much that sucks, believe me. but it has to be something she works on, and if she isn't willing to its a dead end. i'm sorry i can't offer you any more constructive advice, if i could my own situation would be better than it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I am afraid that the truth is that he girl you fell in love with never existed. People don't turn that nasty, selfish and vindictive out of nowhere - it was always part of her character, it's just that she is a good enough actress to hide it when it is to her advantage. . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BirdOnAWire Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Well she can't con me any more. We weren't married and don't have any children. We have zero ties. She's seriously conning me out of my happiness though which is unacceptable on my part. She used me. She was as warm as she could be until she was completely ready to cut the rope. Once she got there, she flipped a switch and turned into Satans daughter. Maybe I can't comprehend it because I'm not like her. Hell, I will always love this girl. Now she wants to be friends with me and wants to hang out every now and then but doesn't want to if I still have ANY feelings for her, in fear of being unfair to whose she seeing? Is she serious? What happened to me in all of this? I WAS HIM. He doesn't know it but Her and I would email like they do now. It's the same pattern she followed when she left her husband and got with me. OMFG! Ya know, I'm wise enough to know and accept that people fall out of love. If that happens though, you move on. If she was done and she's been talking/courting this new man for months as I suspect, why in the world drag an innocent person who did nothing but give you his heart, soul, his world and everything in it, through hell for months until you were ready to be done? I'm baffled. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BirdOnAWire Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 My question now though is what do I do? What in the world can I do? I can't sit idle as her friend while she dates this guy knowing that used me and made the transition from me to him behind my back. How can I get through to her what she did to me? How can I affect her? How can I drill some reality into her head? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shessofly Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 why on earth would you want to be friends with this person??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
22n32 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 My question now though is what do I do? What in the world can I do? I can't sit idle as her friend while she dates this guy knowing that used me and made the transition from me to him behind my back. How can I get through to her what she did to me? How can I affect her? How can I drill some reality into her head? best thing u can do is move on.. dont give her the satisfaction of giving her reality.. let her find it out the hard way.. she will be in misery and u will be doing good.. best revenge u can have life ur life postively Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiz4tggr Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Speaking from a womans point of view....it sounds as if she still had unresolved stuff she needed to get off of her chest. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to call my ex up and invite him out to dinner and lunch or drinks. I know in my heart of hearts that I would ultimatly end up bringing stuff up that I never got to say to him......or that dawned on my only after we broke up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BirdOnAWire Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 why on earth would you want to be friends with this person??? The way she is now? I don't want to be friends with her. How do I go about breaking that to her in the most meaningful way I can? If I just drop off the planet will that suffice or will her behavior and way of thinking not allow her to even think twice about it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BirdOnAWire Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Speaking from a womans point of view....it sounds as if she still had unresolved stuff she needed to get off of her chest. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to call my ex up and invite him out to dinner and lunch or drinks. I know in my heart of hearts that I would ultimatly end up bringing stuff up that I never got to say to him......or that dawned on my only after we broke up. Shouldn't I have been the one wanting to do that though? What right does she have to do that? She dumped me damn it and then drug it out for months. If she's sooooo 100% moved on and doing soooo good in her life, why the hell does she have unresolved issues with ME of all people? Apparently I wasn't special at all. What's the point of it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shessofly Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 i would totally disappear out of her life. i would not even respond - ever - to anything she does/says. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
generaldiscord Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I didn't read the whole thread, but I agree with what most of the posters seem to be recommending, which is no contact. Still, you might want to consider the following: She offers that she's dating, and immediately tells you that she's not sleeping with him. She's obviously bitter, but our lady doth protest too much. She sees you acting cool and calm and immediately feels it's necessary to share that she's 'checked out' emotionally months ago. Doesn't it sound like she's trying to keep the door open? Back in my infantile dating days, I had a huge breakup fight with my boyfriend and immediately didn't want to 'loose' the breakup. The most important thing to me was that I get a boyfriend before he gets a girlfriend, and that I get over him faster than he gets over me, and that I make it clear to him that the breakup was my choice and not his (he did the breaking up). If he had actually chased me, I would have shot him down for sure. If he hadn't moved, I probably would have chased him though. (although it's MUCH better that we broke up. that relationship was a BAD idea.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BirdOnAWire Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Oh trust me, I read her games like a book. Tell tale sign? She pryed about who I was sleeping with and even threw out names of girls that she knew always liked me and how I should be happy now that I'm free to be with them. She asked how I was moving on and everything. That was before offering up the info about only talking/dating someone. It literally felt like an interrogation...the more she poked, prodded and dug at me the calmer I stayed and the more personal and intentionally hurtful her remarks became. I never, not one time during our meeting let her see ANY show of emotion, whats so ever. One of the last thing I said to her though, and she brought this up by the way...was that I do believe that the proverbial rope had been cut but I believe that with time and effort that two people could take those two pieces of rope and tie em back together. I told her while I was moving on successfully and that I could live without her with no problem, there haven't been too many times where I've wanted to and that years from now, because of all she taught me and all we went through together, there will always be a sliver of my heart waiting. That's when she left with, "Well, like I said, I'm JUST dating. I'm not sleeping with anyone and I'm not settling down any time soon. See ya Sunday, right?" That's not my concern though. This bridge is burning and fast. I want to figuratively throw her in the flames that she ignited. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Best way to proceed is to ignore her. If she wants you back strongly enough she will say so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BirdOnAWire Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Best way to proceed is to ignore her. If she wants you back strongly enough she will say so. Yeah man...I guess you're right. If I seek to be vindictive then, well, I guess I'm no better than her. People that go around doing what she's doing will pay for it one day. I pray that she wakes up but I'd be lying if I said that I hope she's happy with the new guy or anyone else. If she wakes up, I want it to be with me. She has problems stemming from infancy man and she, for lack of a better term, seeks to destroy the human part of her in order to not feel anything. I noticed it within 20 minutes of meeting her and I can still see it in her eyes. I worked hard, very hard to help her over come that and change that. She did too...she made such great and astounding changes and even broke away from the toxic people controlling her life. She ran from them right into the shelter of love I had waiting for her. When she switched jobs though...working under for those same people ironically, she fell back into that rut. Nothing I can do man, she's got to want to change. I just can't get over feeling that it was all a waste of time. AND, what stings the most is I don't think she's even privy to what the hell she is doing by living her life this way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Glowguy Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Speaking from a womans point of view....it sounds as if she still had unresolved stuff she needed to get off of her chest. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to call my ex up and invite him out to dinner and lunch or drinks. I know in my heart of hearts that I would ultimatly end up bringing stuff up that I never got to say to him......or that dawned on my only after we broke up. Ok but there is huge difference between doing this and intentionally trying to hurt someone which is clearly what she was doing. Mature people will discuss relationship problems constructively even if there is some bitterness. She was acting like a spoiled whiny brat. People who conduct themselves like that shouldn't be in a relationship. I've had discussions with my ex, and we argued about things but we never kicked each other when we were down. She insulted him and used him for selfish reasons. Bird, you ignored a very clear red flag at the beginning of the relationship. She was showing you her true colors even then, but you got roped in. I hope you don't get involved with someone in the future who is latching on to you while still in a relationship. It never turns out well and you just set yourself up for the same treatment. Her offer of friendship is phony and it will only be on her terms and you will continue to be used. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BirdOnAWire Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Oh, no doubt. I had my guard up high back then but over months and months of being her friend I fell in love with her and she assured me she felt the same way. In fact, she professed it before I did. I see it for what it was now...I was someone who was strong and full of positivity. She was in a negative situation. She fed off of me in order to get the strength she needed to break away from that situation. By doing this, we ended up being very close. I looked at it as casually dating and even my own mother warned me but there I went...thinking that if I seen something in her, it was worth the risk of a thousand heart breaks. Honestly, she says she checked out in June. Guess when all of her problems went away. Around May. So, after I helped her solve all of her emotional problems and she used me for every bit of positivity she could suck from me to finalize the divorce, to help her break away from the psuedo parents she was living with that were trying to, in essence, adpot her son and control her entire life; to build her up until she had the confidence to believe in her self enough to take a chance on a better career and get off of her anti-depressants...BOOM! All out of love. That wasn't love. That was, ''What can he do for me? Oh, boy, I do believe I've sucked this one dry. Guess I'm out of love." I see it for what it is, I do. That doesn't make me feel any better though and there's a side of me that wants to say I KNOW she was in love with me. None of that really matters now eh? lol...she meant so much to me dude. I even have every single email conversation...ever. Including the one titled, ''100 Reasons I love You'' in which she listed all the ways she loved me and would never, ever leave and thanked God for me while praying I'd always love her. Wow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BirdOnAWire Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Oh, and she has all of the emails and letters too...in a filing box with my name on it. I asked for all the stuff back one of the last times I was over her place and she was ADAMENT that I couldn't take them...she'd have them forever. She wouldn't even let me copy em. You ask why I wanted to see them or copy them? Part of me wanted to look for clues...part of me wanted to remotivate myself and go back and take my own advice. After all, during that time period I was boosting her out of the darkest period in her life. I figured that maybe the gems I gave her would help me out a bit? : ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissSMcc Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 it sounds like she really did a number on you, and sometimes sitting back and doing nothing can be the hardest thing of all. but you said it yourself, she has to want to change her behaviour. i hope you sort it out, you seem like a decent guy and you don't deserve to be treated this way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BirdOnAWire Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 it sounds like she really did a number on you, and sometimes sitting back and doing nothing can be the hardest thing of all. but you said it yourself, she has to want to change her behaviour. i hope you sort it out, you seem like a decent guy and you don't deserve to be treated this way. I want to say that she ruined my outlook on love and life in general. I remember being so full of optimism with such a spice for life and everything in it. The good and the bad, the challenges, the successes and the failures. I loved it all, I woke up every day eager just to see what would happen. Then she happened and it only contributed to it. There was like a period of months where the only reason I showed up for work (I was unhappy; could've gotten a better job and we worked for the same company) was to email her. I got there an hour early just to talk to her. Then when we started dating it was ALL new to me because I had never been in a relationship. I stopped being a ''player'' by time I was like 20 as I realized that it was an unhealthy phase and I was hurting people and it just wasn't me. So, two years went by and I thought I found ''the one'' and every date we went on...was my first. It was amazing. Now, although I thought I was heart broken earlier in life by two girls in particular...that was NOTHING. It was merely a let down because the girls couldn't live up to my standards when I wanted them to...that and I walked away from a girl who wanted to be with me and vice versa because a friend was with her. They're married now so that's awesome and they're both some of my best friends. My ex HATED her because of our past too...which was 7 freakin years ago. I digress...what this has done is completely RUIN my hope for love and my faith in the fact that there is someone out there for me. She stole my love from me and I want it back damn it. Her ex husband is doing really good though. He's got a new girl he's in love with and she did me the EXACT same way she did him...only he's now in the position of having a child with her. My god...the way he must have felt when she did that to him...to marry the man knowing she wasn't gonna stick around. She told me so many things to pit me against him too so I can imagine she's doing that to this new guy. THIS is the girl I fell for? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
johnm3 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 this sounds so much like me and my ex... she had such a low self-esteem going around basically being an e-wh0re; after she met me she never went back to that because I showed her healthy love and affection and was a positive influence in her life. there was a million warning signs I chose to ignore. she used to tell me 20x a day she loves me, will never leave me, wants to be with me forever, get married, have kids, the whole nine... but now I realize that when people say these things it is a huge sign of emotional immaturity and you should look at these statements in contrast of what they mean. because people who are emotionally immature and who are happiest in that honeymoon/infatuation stage will never be there for the long-haul. my ex left me in the exact same way... she started talking to some guy and eventually developed romantic interests and emotionally and possibly physically cheated. she also wanted to remain friends, desperately... she was trying to manipulate me into being friends for about a month and a half, and seems to have given up in the beginning of december. to top it all off, the guy she left me for dumped her soon after, probably because he didn't ignore the warning signs I did. these girls hurt like hell because everything is dandy until they find someone else, then after they know they can securely dump you without having to stay single, they drop the bomb on you. and of course, it's always the girls who preach morality and loyalty while with you, as my ex did. the main thing you need to know with these girls is they have an extremely low self-esteem, that's why they constantly need partners, they cannot stand themselves enough to be alone. people don't change and you should take this as an extremely valuable lesson not to get involved with someone who cheated on their husband with you, as your fate will be the same, as this experience proves. I think it's very important that you take as much time as you heal on your own, love yourself way more than you love your ex. because as she's finding happiness from external sources, you will be finding it from internal sources, which obviously is much better and it will show in your next relationship. I, too, over-exposed myself, I gave myself 10% attention and gave her 90% of my mental energy... I did too much for her, her schoolwork, always being there to talk to her (shes very emotionally needy, used to send like 100 texts a day), I spoiled her getting something cheap at restaurants so she could get lobster. every penny I earned was with the interests of making her happy, never thinking of myself. of course, she ultimately used the * * * * out of me, and like your ex, once she was happy and confident with herself, she gave me the boot. for whatever reason, these girls exploit the good guys. my ex even told me our relationship was 'too safe' she said 'i knew you would never end it'... i just don't know what to say to that... sorry for being a secure/loyal guy? time is the only single thing that will change them, and a lot of time. in years when they realize how the way they treat people and their lack of love for themselves has only left them feeling like crap will they make an effort to change. and hopefully when that happens they'll remember the ones who treated them right, which is why it's important for you to leave her life with respect and class. I think your ex went to lunch hoping that you'd be sad, depressed and pinning for her; preferably even to ask her to come back... once she saw you as being strong and in control, her defense mechanisms kicked in and thats where you saw her cruel manifestations. when she said she just wanted lunch I think that was just a statement of stupidity... the real reason would leave her too emotionally exposed, whatever it was, and that was the first thing that came to her mind. you're in a good position, you didn't do anything regrettable, as long as you depart from her life with class, you will feel much better about the situation, perhaps not now, but in the future. I can totally relate to what you're going through. these girls make you think you're their world, and you love it... then when they're gone you're left with the memories of the times you were the most important person in the world to them and it's natural to feel like you did something wrong for it to come to this; but you didn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aether Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I find this part interesting simply because I believed that our breakup was mutual, yet since then he has claimed that he broke up with me and I haven't been able to work out why he would do that, could you clarify for me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DannyC Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Sorry Buddy but she was/is definitely having sex with him. My ex gave me that line whilst she wanted to get back with me but it turned out to be lies. I can almost guarantee your situation is the same. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BirdOnAWire Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Sorry Buddy but she was/is definitely having sex with him. My ex gave me that line whilst she wanted to get back with me but it turned out to be lies. I can almost guarantee your situation is the same. Not cool bro. Thanks for ruining my afternoon. Do you think I want to think about this? It tears me up enough knowing that he's touching her in any way and he's learning all the secrets that I did. Now, I have the image of them having sex. Dude... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DannyC Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Sorry mate but I am only being honest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BirdOnAWire Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 And I don't even know who he is or what he looks like!! All I know is he's 28...she won't even tell me where they met but I KNOW they met at work. She met her ex husband at work. She met me at work. She had to have met him at work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.