so upset!!! this happened AGAIN.

[ut804]

so I was dating this guy for over a month. he acted sooo into me, and then he just disappears. and on top of all that, my grandmother just died a few days ago. he knows this and decided to dump me right after anyway.

 

i don't get it. once again I was lied to. He seemed REALLY into me. he would say:

"Oh it's getting late and I have work early tomorrow, but I like you so much I don't care about losing sleep"

"We have so much in common"

"I miss you!"

"I had such a good time"

"Can't wait to see you again"

"You are such a beautiful person inside and out"

"Do you think your parents will like me?"

"I can't wait to see you again!"

"Look forward to seeing you again!"

"You have such a nice smile and eyes"

"You must of been so popular in highschool"

 

 

And then he would hug me, and kiss me, and hold my hand, and take me out, and cuddle with me, etc.

 

NO RED FLAGS. well, excpet when I would hint around that we should be exclusive he would get quiet. and he never asked for my facebook.

 

he just disappeared. Don't I deserve a "break-up"? I know we weren't official (neither one of use were seeing other people though) but still. You are going to go from all of that to just disappearing???

 

So I texted him after 4 days of him not calling. I said "hey, havn't heard from you in a while, assuming it's over?" NO ANSWER.

So I texted him again, "You know you could have the courtesy to at least say soemthing"

 

and then he said he didn't want a relationship at this point in his life and he wasn't ready for a commitment. SO WHY DID YOU TELL ME ON THE FIRST DATE AND IN YOUR MESSAGE ON THE DATING SITE THAT YOU WANTED A RELATIONSHIP????

I think it's just an excuse that he doesn't like me.

 

BUT IF HE DIDN'T LIKE ME THEN WHY SAY AND DO ALL THOSE THINGS??????

 

I would NEVER say or do those things to a guy i didn't like. I asked him if there was another girl and he said no.

 

He got out of a long term relationship over the summer (maybe because he moved here from CA). he went back to CA during the holidays to visit, maybe this had something to do with his ex-g/f? maybe he's not over her? or maybe he just doesn't like me??

 

and all of this after my grandmother just died. wow. and he knows my grandmother just died. he didn't even call me to see how I was feeling, he just disappears then dumps me. wow. i can't stop crying.

 

and this happened to me a few times before. guys come on all strong and show interest, and then just disappear. and this happens whether i have sex with them or not.

 

so now back to the dating site. back to talking to 100 guys and going on all these first dates.

 

 

Isn't what he did so wrong???

[The_Seeker]

It's call acting.

 

When you say kissing, you mean french kiss right? Yea that's why I avoid kissing people out of relationship. LOL Yea I'm a troublemaker that way. I know a majority of people would disagree with me I should kiss while going on a date just to know "how someone feels about you." But whatever.

 

Also he might of been a player.

 

Gotta take off those rose-colored glasses when you date. LOL That's what I've been doing.

[ut804]

but with my ex-boyfriend, he showed me he wasn't interested and then ended it. with this guy, he seemed like he cared!!! why??? i mean he treated me like a girlfriend, not just some casual fling.

[Karma20]

He did handle ending things wrong. However getting involved with someone you run the risk of getting lead on and that's what happened to you. Its unfair and horrible but learn from it. Take things slow next time. For only being together a month it seems you both moved too fast.

[CatsMeeoow]

How long were you dating???

 

I think the biggest mistake people make is thinking that dating = relationship. Dating is getting out there and learning about people and finding someone you really feel good with BUT that feeling has to be mutual to continue toward a relationship. I would suggest that if you noticed he withdrew when you mentioned being exclusive then the two of you were not on the same page. He was having fun while dating and you were looking for Mr Longterm.

 

I'm very sorry to hear about your Grandmother but it shows he wasn't looking at being your go to guy. He liked dating you and clearly you liked dating him but that was all he wanted.

 

So go out and find some other people to socialize and date. And, remember that a date isn't a commitment to anything more - that takes time.

 

Hugs

[Growl1971]

It's dating.

 

When it comes to dating most people are used car salesman. It doesn't make his disappearing act right, it just is. Be thankful that it happened after a month.

 

Don't make excuses for him. Don't think that this relationship that ended last summer (long while ago) had anything to do with it. He revealed his character to you, that he doesn't regard your feelings in high regard.

 

Keep your dignity intact. Don't message, don't text, and don't do anything that you think will 'get him back'. Walk away, lick your wounds, and move on.

 

I'm sorry he acted this way, very immature. I'd at least have the courtesy to tell you that I wasn't interested anymore, or that I didn't think it was going to work. But to up and vanish without and argument is puzzling, but it's not up to you to figure it out.

 

Keep on keepin on. Good luck.

[marilyn25]

wow i just got out of something like that not too long ago. same situation the guy acting all into you to the point where it feels like a ligit relationship. the guy i'm talking about had just gotten out of a relationship but acted like he was totally over it and for some reason i bought into it. he stopped talking to me at work that much and stopped texting. I tried to say hi like 2 times then gave up on it. I tried to be nice to him even though I was really hurt, I would never admit it though. Then last week he was talking to this girl about 3 other chicks. I got played and was lead to believe it meant a lot more than it did. Sounds like a similar situation I would try and write this one off.

[Karma20]

wow i just got out of something like that not too long ago. same situation the guy acting all into you to the point where it feels like a ligit relationship. the guy i'm talking about had just gotten out of a relationship but acted like he was totally over it and for some reason i bought into it. he stopped talking to me at work that much and stopped texting. I tried to say hi like 2 times then gave up on it. I tried to be nice to him even though I was really hurt, I would never admit it though. Then last week he was talking to this girl about 3 other chicks. I got played and was lead to believe it meant a lot more than it did. Sounds like a similar situation I would try and write this one off.

 

Your situation sounds more like a rebound. Be weary of people who are right out of a relationship. They may seem over it but a lot of times they are far from over it.

[The_Seeker]

In that case, when dating, date more people and have options.

 

When ask for exclusivity, consider?

[lana111]

Im sorry this happened. It sucks to get your hopes up and be disappointed. Hence, why my advice would be, take it slow next time. The kind of guy you want WONT say all those things so soon. Sure, he his words and actions will tell you he's interested, but he wont go nuts with it. Time will show you he cares, not all the sappy words coming out of his mouth.

 

What he did wasnt the greatest thing, but honestly, you guys were hanging out for a month +. I wouldnt expect anything from someone I was hanging out with/dating for a month or two. Understand A) People may tell you things they think you want to hear B) Sometimes people have ulterior motives and C) Sometime peoples feelings change.

 

DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. That is the best advice I can tell you. This is no relfection on you.

[ut804]

This is all i want. All i want is honesty and respect. that's all. If you don't like me, fine. But be honest. don't say what you don't mean, don't lead me on, and don't just disappear without having the respect and courtesy of letting me know.

 

and i will NOT under any circumstances text or call him. I told him to have a nice life and see ya. I deleted his number off my phone.

[ut804]

i tried to be smart but i guess this guy really fooled me. like with my ex, I could tell something was wrong. my ex wouldn't kiss me or hold my hand or any of those things. but this new guy actually seemed to like me.

 

so the next time I date a guy, I feel like i can't trust anyone now. if a guy tells me he misses me, i feel like saying "do you really miss me or are you just saying that to be nice?" how can i trust anyone

[nutbrownhare]

People who are commitment-phobes (as well as those who will turn out to be abusers) will be really-over-the-top romantic in the early days, before they could possibly know what you're like. It's nothing to do with you, your attractiveness or your lovability, and you need to appreciate that his behaviour is a reflection of who HE is, not who you are. When you say there were no red flags - this kind of stuff IS a red flag.

 

I know it's hard, but don't take it personally. You will be one of many that get treated in this way by this guy. What they're looking for is the thrill of the chase, the courtship, and once they realise they've got your affections they'll be off looking for their next conquest. Whether it's right or wrong, I'm not prepared to judge. Suffice to say that anyone who continues this behaviour throughout life is going to end up very lonely.

 

If you find you get treated like this a lot, then look at your own behaviour. Hold back to protect yourself in the early days, and even if you enjoy all the attention, let yourself know that it's a fantasy and will disappear as quickly as it arrived. Or, to put it another way, you know those wedding bells you could hear? It was actually the alarm bells sounding.

[lana111]

People who are commitment-phobes (as well as those who will turn out to be abusers) will be really-over-the-top romantic in the early days, before they could possibly know what you're like.

 

exactly........

[The_Seeker]

i tried to be smart but i guess this guy really fooled me. like with my ex, I could tell something was wrong. my ex wouldn't kiss me or hold my hand or any of those things. but this new guy actually seemed to like me.

 

so the next time I date a guy, I feel like i can't trust anyone now. if a guy tells me he misses me, i feel like saying "do you really miss me or are you just saying that to be nice?" how can i trust anyone

 

take it at your own pace not at their own pace

 

I learned that.

 

LOL Oh my current guy decides to hold my hand and want to kiss me but I said no to the kiss.

 

My first ex, wanted to how my hand but wasn't sure because he wasn't sure how i would react.

 

So yeah take it slow is what i learned so far.

[law1204]

how can i trust anyone

 

Short answer - you don't. Not until they earn that trust. That takes time.

 

A guy who really does want a long term relationship WITH YOU will not do what this guy just did, he won't go nuts with terms of endearment and jump right in, and he won't disappear. His behavior will be very consistent. A disappearing act is a cowardly way of saying "It's over." Guys hate drama and will avoid any kind of confrontation, including having the "Sorry but I have to move on" talk. It sucks but it's a fact, learn that, accept it, keep it in mind for future reference.

 

Dating is a fact-finding mission and the trip is the point - and a disappearing act is a relevant fact that you found out that indicates this relationship is a no-go. Just because a guy goes all affectionate and attach-y doesn't mean YOU have to. And it doesn't mean he wants to have a relationship with you, it means he is enjoying you in that moment. Don't ask about the future, just enjoy the present.

 

if a guy tells me he misses me, i feel like saying "do you really miss me or are you just saying that to be nice?"

 

That comes accross as jaded and needy. Just say "Thanks, that's nice. See ya later!" Instead of wondering whether he means what he says, remember that he'll show it if he does, and concentrate on how YOU feel about HIM, not how he feels about you.

[ut804]

well, my ex-boyfriend who i dated for 4 years gave me a lot of attention in the beginning, and he meant it.

 

i do hold back. i do have a wall up. i even continued to date other guys in the beginning while seeing him (yes, i just tried multi-dating for the first time). i still kept up my dating profiles, and i did watch his behavior.

[ut804]

and i do try to take things slow. we kissed on the second date, not the first, and sex on the 4th date (that might have been a little early though...)

he was consistent with his behavior until the very end when he disappeared.

 

i had a guy who would tell me that he missed me and then never wanted to see me. but this guy said he missed me and wanted to see me. so in other words, his words matched up with his behavior. and because of that, i thought he was sincere and meant i.

[nutbrownhare]

so the next time I date a guy, I feel like i can't trust anyone now. if a guy tells me he misses me, i feel like saying "do you really miss me or are you just saying that to be nice?" how can i trust anyone

It's a pity that you think you can't trust people. In the early days, there's nothing wrong with smiling and saying 'That's nice!'; there's no need to be cynical or bitter - just learn to reserve your judgement until, and if, the relationship is more established.

[ut804]

thank you all so much for your time and advice

 

i just need to someohow distance myself with a guy until it becomes serious, but's hard to do.

 

more opinions are welcome..

[mfan]

So I texted him after 4 days of him not calling. I said "hey, havn't heard from you in a while, assuming it's over?"

 

I feel that the fact that the relationship would be deemed to be over upon 4 days without contact should have been communicated to him upfront immediately. Did you?

[ut804]

I feel that the fact that the relationship would be deemed to be over upon 4 days without contact should have been communicated to him upfront immediately. Did you?

 

what do you mean? the longest he would go without calling is 3 days, so i thought something might be wrong. I HATE waiting by my phone for a guy to call. now if it had only been 1-3 dates, i wouldn't make such a move. but since it was over a month i figured i could initiate contact to see what was up. I hate now knowing what's going on. i need answers for closure.

After a month of dating someone you should at least be talking every other day. Communication is important and when there is such lack of communication I get frustrated.

[HeartGoesOn]

This is why it's more important to listen very closely to their actions, as opposed to their words. It's impossible to trust someone when you barely know them, and especially when you see the red flags from the very beginning. A healthy relationship takes time to develop, and many people feel the need to rush into it head first, and set their expectations way too high at that time.

[ut804]

This is why it's more important to listen very closely to their actions, as opposed to their words. It's impossible to trust someone when you barely know them, and especially when you see the red flags from the very beginning. A healthy relationship takes time to develop, and many people feel the need to rush into it head first, and set their expectations way too high at that time.

 

i did watch his actions. He said he missed me then actually wanted to see me. he held my hand, kissed me, walked me to the subway, paid for my dinners, didn't make a move right away, said he wanted to see me and actually made the plans, etc. he wasn't just saying sweet things, he was doing sweet things.

[thejigsup]

Lesson No. 1: NEVER make assumptions about anyone you are dating for at least three months. Don't assume they like you or dislike you. Do NOT assume you guys are serious for at least 6 months! If you do this, the dissappearing act will happen much less often, and when it does, it won't really bother you.