Blue Spiral Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I am mad. I really am insane. When something makes me miserable, I have a fairly basic response--I consider why it's making me miserable, and whether it's worth putting up with. What you're going through doesn't sound worth it, to me, even considering the sex. I have to believe that there are sexually-driven guys that eventually want monogamy, out there...you should start from a point of point of potential, instead of a point where you've already surrendered (a guy who doesn't want anything serious). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capuccino83 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Why don't you just buy a vibrator? But seriously, if you can't hold out until the 3rd date because you are so horny and get do depressed without sex, maybe you should go to a doctor to check your hormones, because seriously, this is not normal behavior. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Why don't you just buy a vibrator? But seriously, if you can't hold out until the 3rd date because you are so horny and get do depressed without sex, maybe you should go to a doctor to check your hormones, because seriously, this is not normal behavior. I have. It is a psychological need more than physical. I need the attention and the phsyical intimacy for lack of emotional intimacy....which takes a lot longer to develop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capuccino83 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I have. It is a psychological need more than physical. I need the attention and the phsyical intimacy for lack of emotional intimacy....which takes a lot longer to develop. I mean, we all have that need. We just say no. You kind of remind me a friend that I had in college. She grew up in a rich and spoiled family and was never told no. As a result, even at 24 and 25 she was very overweight because she had never said "NO" to herself. I and another friend had to teach her how to refuse her desires and control her urges. It sounds like you have to do the same thing. Unless there is a physical disorder that you have, you can absolutely say no. Whether you chose to do that is up to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I really appreciate your advice and I hope that I can make these changes in my behavior. I think the small step of saying NO to him meeting me tonight is a step in the right direction. Perhaps I can just talk to him on Sunday, but I have a feeling I will still want to have sex with him that day. There is another guy that I have been seeing for more than a month now, and there is no sex involved at all, but as you guys mentioned, I am not attracted to that guy very much. He is short and going bald, and I am having a hard time with that but I do not want to be shallow, so I keep talking to him and going on dates with him. You are leading on the path of feeling disgusting hurt and alone again. Don't do it. Practice self control! Instead of meeting him having sex - do something else that makes you feel sexy. Pamper yourself all day (maybe go to a beauty spa or do it all yourself at home with your favorite relaxing music and exotic scents of candles, incents etc) and at night dress sexy and beautiful and either go out with friends or by yourself somewhere - maybe a show or a concert or theater, dance SOMETHING where other people socialize. Feel beautiful, self confident and CELEBRATE yourself. Instead of getting a rush out of your drug and satisfying someone else, make YOURSELF happy. You CAN do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 I do those things all the time. I go out dancing by myself all the time. I pamper myself, etc. It is not enough. I am so tense and frustrated like I am about to explode. I am losing my mind. I just have to wait it out. It passes eventually. I wish I could just tell him that I never want to see him again because it is not making me happy. But I know that on Sunday I will feel good for a few hours if I do see him and that alone keeps me going in this vicious cycle. It is a horrible way to be and I want more but I cannot do it. I am not strong enough. I am not kidding when I say that I am crying at my desk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capuccino83 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I do those things all the time. I go out dancing by myself all the time. I pamper myself, etc. It is not enough. I am so tense and frustrated like I am about to explode. I am losing my mind. I just have to wait it out. It passes eventually. I wish I could just tell him that I never want to see him again because it is not making me happy. But I know that on Sunday I will feel good for a few hours if I do see him and that alone keeps me going in this vicious cycle. It is a horrible way to be and I want more but I cannot do it. I am not strong enough. I am not kidding when I say that I am crying at my desk. The first time you say no, will be the hardest. It's like we said before, change in uncomfortable, the tension that you will feel on sunday when you said no will be the uncomfort coming on with the change. Unfortunately, there is no way around it, but it will pass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 You've convinced yourself with false 'facts' that you stick to and make decisions based on them despite KNOWING it will end up in disaster for you. How can we convince you to change your mind when your mind is so made up already? STOP this cycle - it is clearly not working for you!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Just saying NO today is bad enough. I cannot even begin to imagine how saying NO on Sunday would be. I cannot do it at this point. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capuccino83 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Just saying NO today is bad enough. I cannot even begin to imagine how saying NO on Sunday would be. I cannot do it at this point. Then we wish you luck in your endeavors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Thanks but I need strength and confidence and some divine intervention at this point, so I can walk away from this situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 You are just making excuses for your behavior and lack of effort in fixing the situation. 'I said no once I can't say no for Sunday' is childish and pitiful to be honest with you. If you feel that way then go ahead with Sunday and feel disgusting afterwards. If you have no intention of helping yourself then I don't think we can help you. Sorry - good luck. I really think I should stop reading your threads from now on. As much as I'd like to help you (I really would, since like I said I was in your shoes once!) I really don't think I can. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newwave Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Agreed. Many people make too much about the sex in a relationship, but the reality is guys who want a relationship will wait to have sex, and some actually make the decision themselves. The best relationship I ever had was with a guy I never slept with. He was sweet and believed sex was for marriage. OP, if you are fine being a booty call then that's different than just accepting it. Years ago I had several FWB where we both knew the score. This worked, but the situations where I slept with a guy thinking he'd be with me didn't. I'd get angry finding out a guy I thought was my boyfriend (and whom I was sleeping with) was in fact sleeping with other women, even dating others and I was never more than a bed partner. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitty1223 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 ask a friend or a close coworker to type up a text from your phone and hit send: "sorry i'm not feelin this anymore. met someone special" Remove battery from phone. cry, eat, take a long shower, watch a movie, etc. In time, you will feel relieved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldenoughtoknow Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I could not understand why a woman did that to me once. First time I ever talked to her was on the phone while at work, I was walking around work talking to her for a good half hour. When I said I needed to go, she yelled at me....yes yelled!........"SURE, JUST BLOW ME OFF LIKE THAT!!!". I was completely dumbfounded. Wow! You didn't dodge a bullet there....you dodged a nuclear warhead! OP, there are plenty of posters here all telling you the same thing. All I have to say is that I agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TakingtheBlame Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 OP, if you take as long as it's taken for this thread to grow to move on from every guy who hurts you and can't make you happy for whatever reason, of course you aren't going to find a great guy! I used to lament that I couldn't find a great guy until I realized that was because it took me months (and sometimes years!) to leave guys who weren't making me happy and even longer to move on emotionally. I've since learned to make a conscious decision to cut ties with any guy who makes it clear that he can't provide me with the things that make me happy (for me, this now includes an exclusive relationship within a reasonable amount of time.) It sucks and it hurts but it shortens the amount of time it takes for me to move on emotionally and "try out" the next guy. I'm currently thanking the powers that be that I finally moved on from the last guy I dated (completely emotionally unavailable and still single today, over a year after we dated) because as soon as I made that conscious decision to cut ties with him in every possible way, I met the guy I'm currently dating...and though it's early to tell he's literally everything I've ever wanted in a man and he treats me right to boot. If I hadn't moved on from the last guy (who I really really liked and with whom the sex and conversation was great, but who just couldn't love me like I wanted to love him) I'd never have found this amazing guy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Just say NO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tiredofvampires Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 OP, have you considered therapy specifically geared towards sex addiction? Because that's what I believe you're dealing with -- which apparently you're quoted as saying (that you're "addicted" to sex -- there it is, in black and white.) Sex for some people works exactly like a drug -- it gives you a "high" of feeling good for that short period of time, and for this, you know it's only a matter of time before you need your next "hit." This entire thread reads like a group of friends begging someone not to go on their next binge, be that food, gambling, alcohol or heroin. (For example, see poster directly above me.) And the person is "intellectually" aware that they hate their behavior but feels powerless against the urge to indulge, knowing it's only a matter of time that they "cave." Not knowing "if you can hold out" are the words of someone addicted. The one common denominator in all these behaviors is a feeling of emptiness inside, of needing to fill it with something and that behavior taking the place of other healthy behaviors that will bring more lasting, real happiness and fulfillment. Unlike heroin or alcohol, intimacy/relationships and food are things that all humans need to survive and thrive (which in my opinion makes their addiction even more challenging, because one can't simply cut those things out of life like drugs and "go clean.") You have to learn how to seek real relationships without fear of abandonment and self-sabotage but I think it'll be very hard to do this without a lot of support and professional help. Your brain is so habituated to this behavior and means of gratification, it literally doesn't KNOW any different at this point. I would strongly suggest you seek out a 12-step program for Sex and Love Addiction (most states have chapters), as well as a therapist who does a lot of work with addictions (and examining your past as well as doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy would be recommended). Your addiction just manifests this way, but its roots are common to all the addictions. In a 12-step group you'll be amongst peers who have come through this and can mentor you, and support your goals one-on-one by examining your feelings on bad days, through your progress, and encourage you. You'll get a "sponsor" who has been there and recovered. I've been very impressed with these programs because there is a tight feeling of group support and sharing. And you won't feel "insane" -- you'll see how others feel exactly as you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 ABSOLUTELY, I have looked into it. It is hard to find groups for women only though and the co-ed ones are, of course, scary since, chances are the people there will end up involved. I've read tons of books and I did DBT and CBT for a few years. I basically fall off the wagon from time to time and I crave that intimacy, so sometimes I just go for it, but then the emotions take over and I cannot deal with the casual aspect of the sex. It is a very long road and what seems so simple to most of the posters, is incredibly difficult for me to "just do it!" I am happy that I managed to say NO at least once and not contact the guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capuccino83 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 ABSOLUTELY, I have looked into it. It is hard to find groups for women only though and the co-ed ones are, of course, scary since, chances are the people there will end up involved. I've read tons of books and I did DBT and CBT for a few years. I basically fall off the wagon from time to time and I crave that intimacy, so sometimes I just go for it, but then the emotions take over and I cannot deal with the casual aspect of the sex. It is a very long road and what seems so simple to most of the posters, is incredibly difficult for me to "just do it!" I am happy that I managed to say NO at least once and not contact the guy. IMO, you just keep making excuses to keep your life the same. Think about your future... one.. five.. ten years down the road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 ^ I COMPLETELY agree with the users saying you keep making excuses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Excuses or no excuses. I am telling you how I feel from moment to moment. If it was easy, I would be able to do it and I would not need to come here, every single day to talk about it. I do not know why you guys feel the need to be insulting when someone comes here to talk. It is like I need someone to listen and care, not judge me. But I do not think that is possible. Sure, it is easy to say, just stop what you are doing. But you do not know how hard it is for me to do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I never thought it was easy -but you seem to try to ignore again and again that you have a choice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 This board is for support and advice and can't be substituted for therapy with a professional. If you are addicted to sex with a guy where you know it just ends up making you feel lonely and not getting what you want from life, and blow up at people who ask simple social questions like what do you do for fun, then you have some emotional issues going on here that require professional help. Just venting endlessly about the same feelings won't fix the problem. You need to meet with a professional and get on a program to make progress with improving your life rather than just 'tolerating' it while repeating the same negative behavior and feelings over and over again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Applewhite Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 So what do you think about lavenderdove's suggestion to make an appointment with a professional (or professionalS in this case since you could see a therapist + a doctor for the chemical imbalances). No one is trying to insult you I think. We are just making suggestions on how yo improve your situation, but I admit that I am (and I suspect others are too) a little frustrated that you claim you are taking our advice when you indeed aren't. It seems you brush all the advice aside and yet keep complaining. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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