ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 The new guy wanted to see if I was available tonight. When I told him I was available Friday and Saturday, he said that he may not be around this weekend. I know he is attending a party on Saturday, but he did not invite me or tell me about it, even though it is an event that was posted on Facebook, which is open to everyone on the list, including me. Anyway, it looks like I will be seeing him on Sunday. That seems to be the only day that we both have open. I hate having to negotiate like this, but it makes me see that it really is just about sex and nothing else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatsMeeoow Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 All the signs have been there for some time. Time for you to decide what it is you want yourself. If you are truly looking for a good relationship then be forewarned that this type of situation where you settle for what he feels your worth is going to erode your self esteem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkelephant Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Why would you say "I'm just a booty call". You're not *just* a booty call. You chose to be one. Now if you don't like the arrangement, there's always the door. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 All the signs have been there for some time. Time for you to decide what it is you want yourself. If you are truly looking for a good relationship then be forewarned that this type of situation where you settle for what he feels your worth is going to erode your self esteem. Yeah, it is starting to happen already. At first it was all very flattering to be involved with a younger, good looking, hot guy, but now he is treating me with no repsect and it is starting to bother me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Why would you say "I'm just a booty call". You're not *just* a booty call. You chose to be one. Now if you don't like the arrangement, there's always the door. Yes, I can say NO and that is why I did not agree to see him tonight. I will see how I feel about it on Sunday. I do not need to see him at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 I hate feeling like this. It really plays into my fear of abandonment and I keep repeating the cycle by getting involved with men who tell me that they are not available for relationships. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy to date a guy who I know will leave. I am not sure when/how I will meet someone who wants to be with me and get to know me, without wanting just sex. I went on a date last night with a link removed guy. We had things in common and for the first couple of hours things went well, but when he asked me what I like to do for fun, I started yelling at him about how much I hate being asked that question, so the guy decided to end the date right there and then. I basically sabotaged the entire date by getting upset at someone who did not mean anything offensive. I just do not know how to calm down and just enjoy getting to know someone new. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForumGuy Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I could not understand why a woman did that to me once. First time I ever talked to her was on the phone while at work, I was walking around work talking to her for a good half hour. When I said I needed to go, she yelled at me....yes yelled!........"SURE, JUST BLOW ME OFF LIKE THAT!!!". I was completely dumbfounded. I wish I had some answers for you, but this is out of my realm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 I could not understand why a woman did that to me once. First time I ever talked to her was on the phone while at work, I was walking around work talking to her for a good half hour. When I said I needed to go, she yelled at me....yes yelled!........"SURE, JUST BLOW ME OFF LIKE THAT!!!". I was completely dumbfounded. I wish I had some answers for you, but this is out of my realm. Yeah, it is a very random thing and had nothing to do with you. It was her own insecurities and baggage that carried over to that moment in time. I have been accused in the past of not having any serious interests, of only wanting to have fun, or not being fun enough...so when someone asks me what I do for fun, I feel it is a ver loaded question and they are evaluating me based on my hobbies, so I do not want to answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rapunzel Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Unfortunately, when we women agree to casual sex, our value often (usually) plummets in the eyes of the man we agreed to this arrangement with. Yes, perhaps it works the other way around as well (women thinking less of men who agree to casual sex). It's a tricky balance as woman also have strong sex drives but we have to hold back our drive and essentially control the pace of the relationship. This is NOT always the case and of course, there are couples who have long lasting relationships who slept together right away, and there are relationships where BOTH the male and female agree to go slow to assure that the relationship does not crash and burn. This is of course, just my opinion. If you are blowing up at being asked a simple question on a date, then it appears you are not ready for dating. The poor guy was just trying to make small talk and he probably had no idea that his question was annoying. Yeah, maybe it's a dumb question but one can be polite and smile, and gently turn the conversation around. OR - even better - make a joke about it so that you both end up laughing. It's weird that things went well for a couple of hours but then you lost it. If it were me and I blew up at a guy on a date after TWO hours of having a good time, I would stop dating completely, and get my head together through counseling, regular exercise with a yoga/meditation element, get plenty of rest, improve my diet, take a vacation somewhere and perhaps start a gratitude journal to remind myself of how lucky I am compared to most people on the planet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I hated that question too, VC! Especially if it was after I described my work and volunteer work (which were in part, fun). Sometimes I would rattle off a laundry list in a somewhat monotone voice. It showed a lack of creativity -and fun! -on the part of the asker. But yes I think you overreacted. You are not just a booty call and this man is treating you with respect- since you agreed to keep seeing him even after he told you he didn't want a relationship and after he told you of his plans to hook up with other women, he is entitled to make time for you when he has time to meet up - and if that's not on a traditional "date night" that's ok - maybe he's the type who only goes on traditional dates if there is potential for a relationship and he doesn't want to lead you on by taking you to a party as his date. Yes, you can look at it as disrespectful but you let him know it was ok to treat you how he is treating you- making plans on non-date nights and focusing on meeting up for sex. You say you are addicted to sex and find him hot so on one level the arrangement works well for you. On your self-honesty level, it doesn't, I get that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kitty1223 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I hate that question too. Maybe the next time someone asks you that, keep it short and to the point. "I have a successful career, senjoy pending time with my family and friends, and working out...how about you?" You wouldn't be lying (based on how you described yourself in your posts). What would really give you a boost is to lose this guy's number and never, ever answer him again or anyone else ;that makes you feel used. I had a problem being home alone for more than a day or two when I was in my 20's. The thought of having no plans or not having someone be into me and want to see me sent me into a panic. I knew it was a problem so one day I forced myself to be alone for a few days. It was unconfortable but I had to prove to myself that it was not the end of the world. Hope this helps. Yu sound like an awesome person Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 I did that in 2008, for a year, but I was miserable, even though my self-esteem was better than it is now. Then I met my ex in Aug. 2009 and thought he was great, until he proved to be even more messed up than anyone else I dated before him. I am afraid to just stop it all again. I am losing my mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 That is why I did not get angry with him, but got angry at myself for agreeing to stay in this situation. I miss the sex and I want to see him for that. I just do not want to get emotionally attached, which I am. I doubt he knows how affected I am by this because I do not tell him. I want to seem stronger than I am, but that seems to have the opposite effect. I just do not know what to do at this point. I want to see him and I want to not feel anything for him, so that I do not get hurt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Thank you. I really hope I start to make wiser choices sooner rather than later. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capuccino83 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I did that in 2008, for a year, but I was miserable, even though my self-esteem was better than it is now. Then I met my ex in Aug. 2009 and thought he was great, until he proved to be even more messed up than anyone else I dated before him. I am afraid to just stop it all again. I am losing my mind. I bet that what happened is that you only worked to improve your self esteem but did not make a conscious effort to analyze your choices and change them. This happened to me as well before. Getting emotionally well involves two parts - your self esteem, this is the easy party and a change in behavior, this is the hard part. It's hard because a lot of the choices we make and feelings we feel we've been making and feeling for 20, 30+ years. Change feels VERY uncomfortable. If you are use to emotionally unavailable men, and especially if you were raised in such a home, emotionally available men will feel strange to you. You will not be attracted to them. You will find them needy, clingy, etc. You will find the emotionally unavailable men exciting, passionate, explosive chemistry, etc. All the ways you've described your current guy. You have to realize that these are the qualities that YOU are giving these men, and you change which men you find attractive. When you learn to say no, are willing to feel the uncomfortable and unsettled and make the right choices (even though they feel wrong) then you will really start to make a change. Someone who has been eating junk food all of their life will find healthy food and salads repulsive at first. They will walk around feeling hungry all the time because they have less empty calories (or maybe sex, for you). But after a while, they get use to the new diet, they see a change in their body, how people perceive them, and they are happier, even though initially, they are more miserable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diamond78 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Well, why don't you try something new? You don't have to hold off on intimacy for a year, but maybe do it on a smaller scale. For example, maybe the next guy you find that you are truly interested in...Just date him without sex for let's say 3 months. That'll give time for both parties to get to know each other without the pressure of sex. And if he's still seeing you after 3 months consistently, then he most likely wants YOU as a person and not just for some sexual escapade. Also, 3 months isn't a very long time, so hopefully it won't make you feel miserable as you did when waiting for a year. I have noticed that when a relationship forms without sex involved during the beginning stages of development and it sustains for months without full intimacy, it can lead to a strong emotional bond between the couple that oftentimes lasts a long time because let's face it....sex can cloud the mind and the decision-making process. lol How can you ever know if a guy only wants you for sex if all you do is have sex with them? Try giving the relationship time to develop first before adding in the sex. I think that way it'll be easier for you to determine if the guy is sincere aout being with you if you hold off on that level of intimacy just for a bit. I also think it's a great thing that you are trying to figure out what you want and also how to stop self-sabotaging your relationships. Self-sabotaging is a very difficult behavior to overcome. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 I really appreciate your advice and I hope that I can make these changes in my behavior. I think the small step of saying NO to him meeting me tonight is a step in the right direction. Perhaps I can just talk to him on Sunday, but I have a feeling I will still want to have sex with him that day. There is another guy that I have been seeing for more than a month now, and there is no sex involved at all, but as you guys mentioned, I am not attracted to that guy very much. He is short and going bald, and I am having a hard time with that but I do not want to be shallow, so I keep talking to him and going on dates with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diamond78 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I really appreciate your advice and I hope that I can make these changes in my behavior. I think the small step of saying NO to him meeting me tonight is a step in the right direction. Perhaps I can just talk to him on Sunday, but I have a feeling I will still want to have sex with him that day. There is another guy that I have been seeing for more than a month now, and there is no sex involved at all, but as you guys mentioned, I am not attracted to that guy very much. He is short and going bald, and I am having a hard time with that but I do not want to be shallow, so I keep talking to him and going on dates with him. Well, the reality is that it's very hard to change a behavior that you have grown accustomed to for a good part of your life. So, some changes you may have to make on a smaller scale before building up to all around change. Maybe you should tell the guy NO on Sunday since you are still having mixed feelings about it? He won't take you seriously if you still eventually give in to this situation with no strings attached. Believe it or not, good men love women who respect themselves and stand up for themselves. Show a man that you value your body and he will value it as well. And about the bald guy...This is definitely good practice, but don't settle down for someone who you know you don't really want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaintWithLight Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I really appreciate your advice and I hope that I can make these changes in my behavior. I think the small step of saying NO to him meeting me tonight is a step in the right direction. Perhaps I can just talk to him on Sunday, but I have a feeling I will still want to have sex with him that day. There is another guy that I have been seeing for more than a month now, and there is no sex involved at all, but as you guys mentioned, I am not attracted to that guy very much. He is short and going bald, and I am having a hard time with that but I do not want to be shallow, so I keep talking to him and going on dates with him. Wow. So you are putting your life into compartments. One guy who is hot and young is acceptable as a BF but this will never happen, so you allow him to treat you like a booty call. A poindexter that you have zero attraction for is acceptable for you to use for dates and companionship. How about finding a guy who fits all the criteria and stop wasting your time and energy on guys who give you 1/2 of what you want? I am shocked after all the good advice here and even your own admissions that the booty call situation is not what you want, you virtually admit that you are going to probably give in on Sunday. You have wired sex and male attention into some kind of rating on your desirability and market value. You can't have great sex so you settle for casual sex, you can't have casual sex so you settle for booty call sex....because... at least it is sex and this means you have value. You need to take time off from male attention and figure out who you are as a person. You have value beyond whether someone wants to bed you or not. You will never find the happiness you seek if you continue on this road. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capuccino83 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I really appreciate your advice and I hope that I can make these changes in my behavior. I think the small step of saying NO to him meeting me tonight is a step in the right direction. Perhaps I can just talk to him on Sunday, but I have a feeling I will still want to have sex with him that day. There is another guy that I have been seeing for more than a month now, and there is no sex involved at all, but as you guys mentioned, I am not attracted to that guy very much. He is short and going bald, and I am having a hard time with that but I do not want to be shallow, so I keep talking to him and going on dates with him. Good decision making doesn't come naturally, it's a habit that's developed over time. The first small step is saying no to this guy forever. Just make a decision and commit yourself. Your feelings are indifferent at this point and you should know by now that you can't trust them. You are a grown woman and should have enough discipline not to give into every urge that you feel. So make that decision, and even if you change your mind on Sunday, you still stick to your decision. Buy yourself a vibrator if you have to. Until you learn to commit to yourself unconditionally, you cannot expect a man to commit to you unconditionally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 It all makes sense intellectually, every single thing that you guys say makes perfect sense, but I do not know if I can do it and stick to it. I tried it last year when my ex broke up with me and for about 3 months I was able to stick to it, but then I just felt so lonely and horny that I agreed to see him again and we tried for another 6 months, but of course, the same problems were there and it did not work out. If it was easy for me to walk away, I would not need to come here and agonize so much about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I did that in 2008, for a year, but I was miserable, even though my self-esteem was better than it is now. Then I met my ex in Aug. 2009 and thought he was great, until he proved to be even more messed up than anyone else I dated before him. I am afraid to just stop it all again. I am losing my mind. But didn't your ex tell you early on he wanted an open relationship which first you said you wanted too but then you changed your mind? It sounds like from the beginning things weren't great in the sense of stable with potential. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 But didn't your ex tell you early on he wanted an open relationship which first you said you wanted too but then you changed your mind? It sounds like from the beginning things weren't great in the sense of stable with potential. It was about 3 months into the relationship when he told me those things and at the time I was more impressed by his honesty than anything else and it seemed like something I could handle, which it turned out...was not the case. He was not actually honest, and quite perverted and odd. It does take a long time to get to know someone and the more people I meet, the more I see that perhaps I am not supposed to be in a relationship with anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Spiral Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Well, why don't you try something new? You don't have to hold off on intimacy for a year, but maybe do it on a smaller scale. For example, maybe the next guy you find that you are truly interested in...Just date him without sex for let's say 3 months. I once had a woman say something similar to me. My response was that I was fine with her withholding sex, as long as I could withhold emotion for the same period of time, to make sure she wasn't using me for emotional stuff. As it turned out, she was totally using me for emotional stuff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ycmanvs Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 I once had a woman say something similar to me. My response was that I was fine with her withholding sex, as long as I could withhold emotion for the same period of time, to make sure she wasn't using me for emotional stuff. As it turned out, she was totally using me for emotional stuff. HA, HA...that is the first time I laughed today. Seriously, people actually say this stuff? I think for me just holding out until the 3rd date would be an improvement at this point. I am losing my mind over this. I want to send an email to the guy and tell him I cannot do this, but then I know how much I will miss the sex, so I refuse to send it. I am mad. I really am insane. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.