Anonymous 6 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 This is my first time posting to one of these thingies, so bear with me please... First of all my boyfriend and I have been living together for 2 years, I love him very much and as far as I know he loves me too. We have built a fairly stable life together, and are both very happy with our circumstances; we have the home that we always wanted, both have jobs, cars etc. I brought up the discussion of marriage after a year or so, he wound up going to jail for 2 days (it was ridiculously stupid) and made the statement that "when I get out of here I swear to God I'm going to marry you"... He got me a ring 3 months later and we were "engaged", series of events and him acting strange after that he admitted a few months later that he wasn't ready and that he was sorry. Naturally this broke my heart but I can understand somewhat; It's now been almost a year since then and I've really been pushing for an explanation and what his thoughts are on the matter, he's still "not ready" I have never been unfaithful and I've always been open and honest with him, but being honest and open about this situation is really starting to hurt my feelings more than it is doing any good. He always drops the conversation when I bring it up, or says "yeah, well get married; someday". I love my boyfriend and I don't want to leave him, but I have been trying to get the "wedding bells" out of my head, first I thought that I might need to get used to the idea of not getting married, even if it never happens I don't want to leave him, but I'm at a point where I'm continuously feeling rejected and not worthy of a commitment, is he stringing me along? should I leave? What would be a better way of talking to him about it? what can I do? does "not ready" code for "Don't want to"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 It never fails to amaze me how readily people move in together. To me moving in with someone is committing yourself long-term to that person and one would assume the next step would eventually be engagement and marriage. It should be a proper commitment not something that is done so flippantly. Your boyfriend brushes all talk of marriage aside because things are plodding along nicely as they are. I'm not against people living together at all but I think it happens all too easily and is a lazy way of facing the future. As for your boyfriend, no-one can know for sure how he is thinking. The only one who knows is your boyfriend and the only way you will find out is to talk to him. Can you not just ask him if you can talk about the future as you are unsure of where things are heading? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Talulah Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Anonymous.. He's a commitment phobe.. and nothing wrong with that, but you both want different things... start filling your life with things that make you happy... I would say that he will suddenly come your way.. but why would you want that it would only be for a short time until he hooked you again and then you'd be back where you are now.. don't break up with him.. change your attitude and start moving towards what you want.. which is commitment... and he'll either wake up or you or he will move on.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 No, there is nothing wrong with being a commitment phobe. We are all different and want different things from life but, if that is the case or even it is just simply that he isn't ready for marriage, should he have moved in with her in the first place? Its like half a commitment but going no further forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidehop Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Do you actually see yourself being with him and having a family? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VixiT Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 if i'm in your shoes i'd ask him when he is going to marry you. He obiviously needs some time and that's ok. But how much time does he need? A month? half of a year? a year? maybe 10 years more?? That's important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ForumGuy Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 When he was in jail, he was feeling very lonely and uncomfortable. In his "desperation" to relieve this feeling, he said he wanted to marry you. This grand gesture boosted his self-esteem while he was in a low spot. Once he was out and comfortable again, he backed off but still felt somewhat obligated because of what he said....hence the ring. He is afraid of commitment and when he is once again uncomfortable (i.e. feeling he may lose you for some reason) he will bound forward with the marriage thing again and probably back off again once he is comfortable. It's a cycle with commitment-phobes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anonymous 6 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Do you actually see yourself being with him and having a family? To answer your question yes I do, and I always have; hes actually more opt to talking about children and future than marriage, and I'm dumb founded. I have a lot of big decisions to make in the next 6 months.. I got accepted to a really good school and have the opportunity to move (he said before he would come with me but now he doesn't want to anymore to stay close to family) I just wish I had a better picture of what was REALLY going on, I wouldn't be surprised for a guy lying his but off on this matter because it is a touchy subject Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I think the fact that he said he would move with you and then changed his mind saying he wanted to stay close to his family says a lot as to how he is viewing the relationship. If he wanted to get married and have children with you, you are essentially his future family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petite Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 How old are you both if you don't mind answering? You mentioned school it could be that he thinks you're both too young for marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anonymous 6 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 How old are you both if you don't mind answering? You mentioned school it could be that he thinks you're both too young for marriage. I'm 22 and he's about to be 24, I just finished up with my BA degree and I got accepted to one of the best business departments in NE for my MBA.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anonymous 6 Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 How old are you both if you don't mind answering? You mentioned school it could be that he thinks you're both too young for marriage. No, I do not mind at all; I am 22 and He will be 24 soon, I just finished up with my BA degree and got accepted to one of the best business departments in the country for my MBA.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 It never fails to amaze me how readily people move in together. To me moving in with someone is committing yourself long-term to that person and one would assume the next step would eventually be engagement and marriage. It should be a proper commitment not something that is done so flippantly. Your boyfriend brushes all talk of marriage aside because things are plodding along nicely as they are. I'm not against people living together at all but I think it happens all too easily and is a lazy way of facing the future. I agree that people move in together rather flippantly. I personally would not live with someone I wasn't engaged to (with a set wedding date) .... cause then this stuff happens. I just wish I had a better picture of what was REALLY going on, I wouldn't be surprised for a guy lying his but off on this matter because it is a touchy subject I think you have the bigger picture, you just don't want to admit it. He may or may not be "commitment phobic" in general, but he certainly fears committing to you. Three reasons for this may be: -Perhaps his youth and that he does not feel like he has the life experience to get married. -Perhaps he's comfortable with things as they are. -Perhaps he doesn't want to marry you, but he doesn't want the relationship to end. As a side note, I happen to think that you both are young and your liklihood of divorce is much higher at your age than if you waited another three years. However, I know that's not what you want. Also, your life is changing in 6months for school. I suspect that you going off to school will be an easy way for him to end it, cause he'll just stay where he is. My advice to you would be to tell him that in X amount of time, you need a firm decision so you can make your life plans with or without him. Sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ks240030 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 No, I do not mind at all; I am 22 and He will be 24 soon, I just finished up with my BA degree and got accepted to one of the best business departments in the country for my MBA.. I am sorry you are in such pain but in my opinion, both of you are way too young. Finish all your schooling, find a career path, be financially secure and then think about marriage. There is sooo many things that both of you need to learn and experience. See the world and find yourself first before you commit to someone. Learn how to live on your own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 I agree that people move in together rather flippantly. I personally would not live with someone I wasn't engaged to (with a set wedding date) .... cause then this stuff happens. Exactly my point! I'm not tutting at the Anonymous here because it is evident that she wants to spend the rest of her life with this man, hence why he shouldn't have moved in with her until he was sure himself. It leads to confusion and insecurity. Both my boyfriend and I have spoken about marriage and moving in together. We are in no rush, however, and decided that until we are both 100% sure that we want to spend the rest of our lives together to the point of getting engaged we won't be moving in together. I'm not saying that everyone should be engaged before the move in together but I think both parties need to know where their future is headed together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petite Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 You are both still very young, he's probably not ready yet because he might think he is still too young for marriage or might want to wait until you finish the MBA. I wouldn't go as far as calling him a commitment phobe at 24. If he was 34 and if you were together for some 8-10 years and still not engaged then I'd be questioning his commitment to the relationship and the future. Give it some time or ask him when exactly he thinks he would want to get married. I personally think it's silly that he doesn't want to even talk about it, but that could be due to various other reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I am sorry you are in such pain but in my opinion, both of you are way too young. Finish all your schooling, find a career path, be financially secure and then think about marriage. There is sooo many things that both of you need to learn and experience. See the world and find yourself first before you commit to someone. Learn how to live on your own. I absolutely agree with this. I am older than you and after college, things REALLY start to change. It's also harder to maintain a marriage if you are not financially ready AND you're in school for a masters. Also, if a guy took back a wedding proposal and I still lived with him, I would be packing my bags and living elsewhere. The saying, "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free" outlines this situation perfectly; he's comfortable about you only living with him and will not want to go the next step when he's still got you around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.