BostonMA Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 For years, my wife has been telling me that I am verbally and emotionally abusive. I never once took her seriously. I always justified my angry outbursts and fits of rage by saying that I'm just a moody guy with a bad temper. I would tell her that if she didn't want me to lose control, then just don't provoke me. I felt like it was okay to treat her any way I wanted to because she knew what I was like when I got angry, and that she deserved what she got if she "pushed my buttons". Well, two months ago we got into an argument that escalated to the point where I pushed her out of the way because she was screaming in my face. She called the police and had me arrested. The next day she threw me out of the house and told me she wanted a divorce. Since this incident, I have finally come to the conclusion that I AM an abuser. I have been in denial for our entire 13 year relationship. For whatever reason, I felt like my verbally abusive behavior was justifiable. I felt if she said something I didn't agree with, or if she used a certain tone of voice that I didn't like, that she deserved to be put down or called every name in the book. I would blow up over stupid little things and make her fear me by throwing and braking stuff. When she'd claim that this type of behavior was abusive and I would tell her that she was crazy. Basically, I was manipulating her or certain situations by frightening her to no end. Until now, I never realized that my behavior was ABSOLUTELY abusive. My inability to cope with emotions like guilt, fear or shame caused me to become angry and explode, only to make her feel my wrath. She would constantly have to tiptoe around me for fear that she would "set me off". I held her captive in her own home by instilling her with fear. I was abusing her daily and never even realized it. Long story short, my marriage is over and I have no one to blame but myself. I wasn't man enough to acknowledge that the problem with our relationship was ME, not her. I've lost my family because I abused my wife for years and refused to admit it, much less change. If there's even just one guy reading this who has a wife or gf who is crying abuse, listen to her. She's for real. The abuse is real. Look at yourself and man up before it's too late, because I guarantee you're gonna wake up one day and realize that you lost it all because you're an abuser and failed to admit it. Trust me... you don't know what you've got til it's gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Not very many people can admit they are abusive. Are you in any kind of anger management or therapy right now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Aside from the braking things which my ex didn't do, you sound a lot like my ex. Thankfully, I got away. The cops who came didn't arrest him. Just told him to leave for a night or two. To this day though, he still blames me. He still says that "he is sorry he got angry BUT...." He actually wrote me a letter that I burned. It was still all my fault. everything. I am so glad that you are realizing what you have done because that is the first step towards getting real help. I would keep a journal.I would go to a support group, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BostonMA Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Yes, I started therapy the week after my wife left. It only took 2 sessions before I realized that all of our problems stemmed from the fact that I am an abuser. Therapy has helped me immensely. I really feel that if I continue with it, I can change, but the statistics are stacked against me. I think I read somewhere that 95% of abusers never change. That fact scares the hell out of me, but I'm trying not to let that stop me from recovering from this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mgirl Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Good on you for being honest and kudos for being honest, but you can't blame yourself 100% for the breakdown of your marriage. She stayed in it for that long. She didn't put up boundaries at the start and that's why this cycle of abuse continued. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WockaWocka Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Good for you for acknowledging it and seeking help. It takes strength to face your weaknesses especially when you've caused others to suffer. About the 95% statistic: try to put it out of your mind. Very few abusers ever seek counseling. Sometimes they go to court-mandated anger management classes and it just makes them more angry. Also some types of abuse (sexual) have higher recidivism rates, so I don't think you should take that statistic as a reflection on your individual chances of recovery. It's possible to change, you just have to be conscious and keep working at it. My Dad grew up in a very abusive household and somehow managed to be a loving and kind father. Sometimes he'd leave the house when he was upset and go work somewhere which made me kind of sad but in retrospect I've come to understand he was trying to protect us from himself. It's a long road, but give yourself credit for having taken the first few steps. Most people never get that far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BostonMA Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 Yeah, that's the ironic part of it all... I grew up with an extremely abusive stepfather. He was awful to my mother, brother and me. I vowed I would never be like him when I grew up... so much for that. I am just like him. My therapist called it "identifying with the aggressor". Basically, I subconsciously learned from him how to deal with adversity in a marriage. It's like a defense mechanism, I guess. I can't cope with my real, underlying emotions so I divert the situation by getting angry and blowing up. Funny how life works. Apparently there are some things you can't avoid inheriting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jooj Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Istead of putting in your mind that 95% of abusers never change, think of it that 5% of abusers will change and you will be one of them. If you have strong will then you can do whatever you want. I've been emotionally abused by my ex for 8 years and this relationship has scarred me forever. I do have a boyfriend now who is so sweet and kind to me but I still fear men because of my past 8 year relationship and because my dad abuses my mom. Whenever my ex emotionally abused me and I started to cry he would tell me that I'm being a drama queen and that women are supposed to be patient with men when they get angry because women are less worthy than men. He made me feel so unworthy and that I didn't deserve to be loved which is why I couldn't leave, he brainwashed me that I will never find someone who will love me if I left him and that I should thank God that I have him. One time he asked me to do something and I told him I didn't want to, he burst in anger and told me that I am a * * * * and that I am the dirtiest girl he has ever known and that I deserve to burn in hell. I got fed up and I told him it was over between us, he told me that if I dared to leave him he will destroy my life by exposing my secrets to everyone. Anyways I finally had the courage to leave him 6 months ago and it feels so good to feel free. I wouldnt have been able to leave him if it wasnt for the help of my best friend back then who is now my current boyfriend. He made me realize that I am worthy of being loved and that I deserve a better life. I am happy with my boyfriend now because he is so sweet and he never hurts my feelings but I still have times when I feel insecure and unworthy again because that's what I have been told for 8 years. BostonMa your marriage is over but you still need to apologize to your wife because it's not easy to recover from being emotionally abused for years. Tell her that she is worthy and deserves someone who loves her and that all the bad things that you've told her were not true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Now that you understand that you are an abuser and you are actively seeking help for your anger, what are your thoughts on relationships? Do you ever think you will be ready for another relationship? Are you fearful that you will lash out again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oneironaut Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Well, I'm going to prepare you in advance for something you will run into on a board where most of those who post are in the "Abused" group...people like me, who are having such a hard time recovering from the scars of the emotional abuse I endured that I read posts like yours, and totally doubt your sincerity. I'm sorry...I know that's awful of me. I don't know you, and am in no position to judge you in any way, shape or form...but damn, it's so hard to believe anything that comes out of his mouth anymore, at all, because I do not understand what on earth would possess you all to do that sort of thing in the first place. I don't know how to explain it, exactly...the words escape me. But apparently, I do need to work on learning to trust again, because this rather proves I have massive trust issues, lol... So in that sense, I'm glad I read your post. Apparently, that's a weak point that I need to work on. Best of luck to you, seriously. I hope you keep posting here, as I would be interested in reading about your progress. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 There is a really good book called 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans that you might want to read to help you. i think the 95% statistic more applies to men who physically abuse their wives by beating them. Verbal abusers can learn techniques to express their anger in positive ways, and it a matter of education to learn to fight fair rather than use negative words during fights, so you do have lots of hope to change if you work thru the various negative patterns and learn to avoid them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheetarah Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Yes, I started therapy the week after my wife left. It only took 2 sessions before I realized that all of our problems stemmed from the fact that I am an abuser. Therapy has helped me immensely. I really feel that if I continue with it, I can change, but the statistics are stacked against me. I think I read somewhere that 95% of abusers never change. That fact scares the hell out of me, but I'm trying not to let that stop me from recovering from this. Don't allow statistics to rule or intimidate you. I have a mental illness that statistically, most people do not get better from. I was also very abusive in my past(as well as spent time in abusive relationships, too). If your mindset is strong as well as your will, you can change. It will not be easy or overnight. It took me a long time to fully comprehend my actions, the consequences, and empathy. Dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors are learned over time, like a habit. Habits can be broken. There is a lot of help out there for folks to seize, if they only dedicate themselves to it. Most abusers never seek help, let alone admit that they are abusers and take full responsibility for their actions. You're already one step ahead of the game. You are not doomed. You are, in fact, the opposite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ClaraBlue Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 Most abusers do this. First of all, I want to commend you for seeing that you are abusive. Most abusers do not since they think that whatever they are doing is ok since someone "made them" act a certain way. I left a husband like how you describe you were to your wife. To this day though he has never admitted or seen his ways were abusive. He doesn't think anything he did was wrong. My advice to you is to get some counselling for yourself STAT. It's a good thing you realize you have a problem. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 Hi Boston, Thank you for the honesty of your posts. Two sessions is all it took you to figure out that you were an abuser? What sort of things went through your mind when that process was going on - from abusive and clueless to introspective and aware? Is there any specific type of therapy you're doing? Good luck to you. Spotti Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I understand where you are coming from. The reason you don't believe is because many abusers go through a mean and sweet cycle. They do something really horribly awful but the abused person stays because they swing the other way enough to give them a glimmer of hope that the person will change. And then it happens again. I have a friend who had an abusive relationship where it would be so terrible she would call just to have someone on the phone so he wouldn't do anything worse with a witness. Then a few days later he would have tears in his eyes and come with flowers or alternately just act like nothing happened at all and start another pretty normal day with no mention of anything at all. Hopefully, Boston is not just saying these things out of hurt pride and really is looking to change. It takes courage to do so, but the first step is to admit that things are out of control and reach out for help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN-Walker Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I'm sorry you had to lose your family to see what the problem in yourself is. But facing your behavior and admitting your problem is a great start toward healing. Please, if you're not already, get some professional help. Good luck, and I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TN-Walker Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Most abusers do this. I left a husband like how you describe you were to your wife. To this day though he has never admitted or seen his ways were abusive. He doesn't think anything he did was wrong. I left the same type of man last January. Like your's, he doesn't think he did anything wrong. In fact, he even says that his family sees (after he brainwashed them) that there was more I could have done in our marriage to make it better, so in essence, it was all my fault. (I'm also being selfish, according to him.) I tried to be the best wife I could possibly be. I loved him and cooked and cleaned and took care of his every need, in spite of the fact that I also worked full time to provide for us. (He's "disabled" so didn't work at all.) Whatever. I'm just glad to be away from him. Life's been good on my own, and I'm definitely not looking for anyone else to replace him with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BostonMA Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 Yeah, only two sessions, but two sessions with a therapist who deals primarily with abuse in relationships. Somehow he was able to get me to see that my reaction to certain situations was the problem. For whatever reason, my initial reaction to a conflict or uncomfortable situation was to get angry rather than to explore the way I was really feeling. Instead of coping with how I really felt about a conflict, ie embarrassed, hurt, guilty, I would immediately turn to anger because it was comfortable and familiar to me. It is what I witnessed growing up and it was "normal" to me, which is why I felt justified acting that way. I was basically recreating my childhood family life without even being aware of it. As for not believing me that I've "seen the light", I can't blame you one bit. I wouldn't believe me either. All I can do is look forward and walk the walk for once, rather than talk the talk. As much as I want my wife to believe me that I'm changing, it's unrealistic for me to expect that she ever will. I have caused so much damage and cried wolf so many times, it's probably in her best interest to walk away and never look back. And as for my hopes of having healthy relationships in the future, it's way too soon for me to tell. As much as I'd like to think it's possible, I'm far too preoccupied with repairing the damage I caused in the last relationship than I am with starting a new one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpottiOtti Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 So now that you've identified your tendency to get angry because it is familiar, where do you go from here? Did your therapist give you any sort of exercises or anything you can do to reduce it once you've recognized it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarolsGirl Posted January 23, 2011 Share Posted January 23, 2011 Dear BostonMA: Thank you so much for your honesty! I know exactly how you feel. Your situation is almost exactly a mirror image of my own. I've had a 13 year marriage that is ending for the very same reason. However, I am the abuser and I am a woman. Just about everything you did to your wife, I did to my husband. And he's finally had enough. Although we haven't had a physical altercation in almost 8 months, I kept up with the emotional abuse. Now I am seeking help and desperately want to change because I can't stand myself anymore. I know I have destroyed my marriage and it is beyond repair. I regret what I have done. I have sought counseling and am taking medication that makes me feel much better. I want to beat the odds. I don't want to be just another statistic. I wish you the best in your recovery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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